Virgin on the chopping block

[CeriseNoire]

Hi everyone,

First, if you were expecting to be redirected to a virgin sacrifice story, I apologize. It's just that as I write this I am feeling like the poor cliché virgin.
I just posted my first submission and although I've already noticed some flaws, I would like to get some feedback from others here. Whether you liked it or hated it, your telling my why would really help.

Here it is: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292535

Thanks a lot.

 

[kbate]

Ok,

Your opening two lines are weak and could be deleted without detriment. The entire first paragraph could be whittled down to:

Dog tired, I stepped into the den and said, "Hi Honey".

You use the term "headed to" three times - try changing up your terms in future stories, lest they become boring.

Watch your use of 'then' and 'next' to begin sentences. You can write a sequence of actions without using these words to indicate the order of events - the order of writing is usually enough.

Watch your use of adverbs - lasciviously, questioningly, etc.. especially when describing looks, glances or in dialogue attribution - they rarely add to the power of the story. (I did not mind 'the water was delightfully soothing' - that line worked well.)

**

Overall, the story wasn't truly a story - it was a chapter of a story, the sex chapter. The characters are unknowns who have sex. I know nothing of them when the story ends other than they are capable of orgasm and need to order a pizza.

Written well enough, minor punctuation errors, one or two improper sentences, but nothing bad enough to put me in a tizzy.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thank you

Ok,

Your opening two lines are weak and could be deleted without detriment. The entire first paragraph could be whittled down to:

Dog tired, I stepped into the den and said, "Hi Honey".

You use the term "headed to" three times - try changing up your terms in future stories, lest they become boring.

Watch your use of 'then' and 'next' to begin sentences. You can write a sequence of actions without using these words to indicate the order of events - the order of writing is usually enough.

Watch your use of adverbs - lasciviously, questioningly, etc.. especially when describing looks, glances or in dialogue attribution - they rarely add to the power of the story. (I did not mind 'the water was delightfully soothing' - that line worked well.)

**

Overall, the story wasn't truly a story - it was a chapter of a story, the sex chapter. The characters are unknowns who have sex. I know nothing of them when the story ends other than they are capable of orgasm and need to order a pizza.

Written well enough, minor punctuation errors, one or two improper sentences, but nothing bad enough to put me in a tizzy.

Thank you so much for giving me feedback I can actually use. Regarding the characters, I originally had much more about them, but lately I have noticed a lot of stories getting low votes because people felt there was too much non-sex material, so I took it out. Thanks also for reminding me to mind my adverbs; that's always been a weakness of mine.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think, overall, you did pretty well. The over-riding thing for me was the length. Your story is only 1169 words. You never really get to know who these people are. The plot, I guess, is she comes home from work, takes a shower, begins to masturbate, he catches her and joins in. I think that's pretty thin.

Your writing style is not bad, but you need to spend more time developing your characters and plots if you want to gain readers.

 

[CeriseNoire]

I think, overall, you did pretty well. The over-riding thing for me was the length. Your story is only 1169 words. You never really get to know who these people are. The plot, I guess, is she comes home from work, takes a shower, begins to masturbate, he catches her and joins in. I think that's pretty thin.

Your writing style is not bad, but you need to spend more time developing your characters and plots if you want to gain readers.

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't exactly sure people wanted to know much about them; as I mentioned above, I've often read comments where people complained that they wanted the writer to "get to the sex already". Now that I know that there are people who care to get a little more, I'll keep that in mind.

 

[age_matters]

actually i think non-sex material aren't that bad... but they have to lead the story into an erotic mood...

at times when i write a story (i haven't done alot really) i start to type alot of non-sex material but i end up deleting them and chucking the whole story one side...

lately i wrote one story (submitted and pending) and went straight into the mood... felt comfortable with it and so submitted...

maybe something like... "my tired legs could do with a massage" or something like these would click the story well...

IMO your first para isn't that bad because it shows you are a teacher and a very normal woman and wife... trust me some guys (like me) fantasize on a very basic and normal woman...

 

[CeriseNoire]

actually i think non-sex material aren't that bad... but they have to lead the story into an erotic mood...

at times when i write a story (i haven't done alot really) i start to type alot of non-sex material but i end up deleting them and chucking the whole story one side...

lately i wrote one story (submitted and pending) and went straight into the mood... felt comfortable with it and so submitted...

maybe something like... "my tired legs could do with a massage" or something like these would click the story well...

IMO your first para isn't that bad because it shows you are a teacher and a very normal woman and wife... trust me some guys (like me) fantasize on a very basic and normal woman...

Thanks for your feedback. The more of it I get, the better a writer I'll become (hopefully).
It seems it's really a matter of taste then. I know sometimes I'm in the mood for the story equivalent of a quickie, and others times I need slow seduction. I'm hoping my new story (which I submitted last night) will be an improvement.

 

[age_matters]

Thanks for your feedback. The more of it I get, the better a writer I'll become (hopefully).
It seems it's really a matter of taste then. I know sometimes I'm in the mood for the story equivalent of a quickie, and others times I need slow seduction. I'm hoping my new story (which I submitted last night) will be an improvement.

pm me when it's up

 

[CeriseNoire]

pm me when it's up

I will. And I'll be looking out for your story as well.

 

[kayandsteve69]

Good descriptives

We liked the story alot. Maybe it was because we were in the mood already, but we kind of enjoyed the fact that you got right into the action. We like to masturbate for each other, too, so we could easily envision ourselves doing the same thing. Thanks for sharing and we look forward to more stories.

Kay and Steve

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't exactly sure people wanted to know much about them; as I mentioned above, I've often read comments where people complained that they wanted the writer to "get to the sex already". Now that I know that there are people who care to get a little more, I'll keep that in mind.

You will find all kinds of people on Lit. Many of them are here only for the quick wank. Many more are here to read good, well written stories.

Lit is a learning place. It's a great place to fall, learn and try again without all the hate. Quite a few have graduated from where you are to print and ebooks for money. Just keep at it. Write the best you can for yourself. And don't try and please everyone.
JJ

 

[slyc_willie]

The length of a story, in my experience, does very little to affect readership. I have some stories that are as long as 40+ Lit pages (spread across 6 chapters) and they still get high views and votes.

As Shakespeare said, 'the play's the thing.'

I echo both Jenny's and DK's comments on your writing. Take the time to build up your characters. Show us who they are, what they want, invest them with a few quirks and foibles. When I write, I always think of the characters in Ivan Reitman's and Carl Reiner's movies. Their characters always stick with you because there was something quirky and real about them.

Literotica isn't just a site for stroke stories. They belong here, of course, but so do 'magnum opus' stories that detail a character's life. And so does everything in between.

Basically, write what you want, and how you want it. Clean up your grammar a bit and maybe seek out an editor. You've got talent and promise. I'll look out for more of your work in the future.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thanks for the encouragement and support everyone. My second posting seems to be an improvement, and I know the suggestions I have received have a lot to do with it.

I am working with an editor for my next submission, and I plan on using one too once I get the second part of "Reunion" written. Well that is if state testing season ever ends.

 

[DonFox]

Posted some comments, Cerise. I think some of the basic criticisms posted in this thread by others have some merit, but ultimately I think your story achieves its goal nicely. I found your protagonist to be quite appealing and believable, and I think you deftly avoided the common mistake of switching viewpoints during key moments in a first-person narrative. When your heroine is performing fellatio on her husband, she is still very much focused on her own needs, allowing both male and female readers to fully enjoy the moment.

Very good first story!

 

[CeriseNoire]

Posted some comments, Cerise. I think some of the basic criticisms posted in this thread by others have some merit, but ultimately I think your story achieves its goal nicely. I found your protagonist to be quite appealing and believable, and I think you deftly avoided the common mistake of switching viewpoints during key moments in a first-person narrative. When your heroine is performing fellatio on her husband, she is still very much focused on her own needs, allowing both male and female readers to fully enjoy the moment.

Very good first story!

Thanks for your feedback on both of my stories. I am working very hard at improving my writing, and specific feedback really helps me focus.