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[Stella_Omega]

Is it the size issue? Have you tried prunes? They're pretty accomodating, or so I've heard.

 

[NoJo]

Is it the size issue? Have you tried prunes? They're pretty accomodating, or so I've heard.

Look, if you want to fuck me up the ass, just ask, for christ sake

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I think I've grown out of my submissive phase (during which I gave myself my sobriquet). I got it out of my system through various foul means a few years back.

I'm quite into rape right now, particulary date-rape, although of course it's not really date season yet.

There you go again, Joe, clearing my sinuses the hard way.

There's a lot to say about this topic, and it certainly gets muddy when the topics get mixed - task delineation in a household, wage earning, sexual habits, and personality types...

I'll speak to one aspect only - the issue of control and trust. I am a bi - everything. Bisexual, bipolar, and a true Switch; that is, I like to play both roles in dom/sub activities, which are by no means my only focus in the bedroom but which are fun ways to play. I am late, and mostly an outsider, to the BDSM life, and it's an occasional playground for me, not a way of life.

In trying to explain to one of my lifemates about the appeal that the submissive role was having for me when I first began to explore it, I babbled a lot, and he distilled it for me nicely. I'm in charge of a lot of stuff in my daily life; I'm in several group leadership roles, I run my own business, I teach, I am matron of my household, own my property, and so on. I'm also someone who has struggled with trying too hard to please people, being dependent on their approval. Leading groups will do that; you have to learn that as an alpha, you're going to get challenged a lot because that's just how monkeys are.

Doesn't help that I don't really enjoy the alpha role in most respects, but think of these roles as forms of service to a group. If I'm good at something, I offer that skill to the people I love. Primate conflict weirds me out and I have had to learn artificial ways to be "dominant" within these contexts just to keep groups functional. So the appeal of the sub role for me is that I don't have to think at all about whether or not I'm doing the right thing; I'm not in charge and can just let go of all the directorial parts of me; all the control freak tendencies.

My beloved said, "I get it. You need to be Off Duty." Very incisive of him.

This applies to the larger context of relationships, in my opinion, in at least this way: we do like to know we're doing the right things, that our beloveds are pleased with us, that we are successful. The BDSM community has many very valuable things to teach, and one of them is this idea of giving one another clear signals and clear boundaries. Another is the aspect of trust. Educated trust. We need to know our lovers well enough to know what sort of creatures they are; if you trust a skunk to be a cat, you're going to be very disappointed, and it's not the skunk's fault. To understand, without judgment, the Nature of the creature you're dealing with, makes the whole "I can't trust you anymore" riff unnecessary. We end up saying, well, I have just learned something about your nature, and now I understand you better.

Round my house we use this test, and it helps: Instead of "do you trust ME" we say, "do you trust my a) intent, my b) knowledge and c) my affection for you." It solves many conflicts, and I think could be applied nicely to sexual situations as well as relationship dynamics.

So dom/sub, whatever. Each of us has skills and talents, as well as things we're capable of but hate, (my one mate doesn't have to wash dishes, because he actively, violently HATES it. He does other tasks instead. We make exchanges.) Perhaps that's a good way to examine it: what tasks, from wage earning to housework, are you capable of doing in true affection, with an eye for service to the household, and with at least a certain amount of enjoyment? THOSE are the ones to volunteer for. And the despicable tasks, the ones that NO ONE wants? Well, one can always do them out of basic affection, as a gift to the beloved. As a zen exercise, as a method of walking toward enlightenment.

So far it's working, and we've been a triadic marriage for nearly 8 years now. My one mate, the really long-suffering one, has managed to put up with me for about 16 years at this point. Can't imagine how he does it, but I walk in gratitude for it every day. And if he doesn't want to do the dishes, cool. I believe a task is more powerful, more of a good spell for a household, when it's done in affection than when it's done in bitter snarkiness.

I LOVE washing dishes.

bijou

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Look, if you want to fuck me up the ass, just ask, for christ sake

Hey Joe...

bijou

 

[Stella_Omega]

Look, if you want to fuck me up the ass, just ask, for christ sake

Do you still have that really cute blond wig?