Very very quick question:

[raphy]

Excerpt:

Cain and the other guy, the hacker called Salveno, wanted to put her under again. Unei hadn’t been convinced, but Kristen told them what Unei had told her, all that stuff about seeing images, fragments, transitions and that had swung it. So she’d sat back down in the green plastic chair and waited patiently.

Is it obvious that the 'she' that I have highlighted refers to Unei, or is there some ambiguity over whether it refers to Unei or Kristen?

 

[minsue]

I would have guessed you were referring to Unei, but I wouldn't have been positive. There is a bit of ambiguity, yes.

 

[yui]

Excerpt:

Cain and the other guy, the hacker called Salveno, wanted to put her under again. Unei hadn’t been convinced, but Kristen told them what Unei had told her, all that stuff about seeing images, fragments, transitions and that had swung it. So she’d sat back down in the green plastic chair and waited patiently.

Is it obvious that the 'she' that I have highlighted refers to Unei, or is there some ambiguity over whether it refers to Unei or Kristen?

Umm, no, to me it is not clear who you're referring to. Even after you tell me, reading it a second time, it still isn't clear to me. Sorry. There are a great number of people in your sentence and the names are gender neutral enough that I was a bit confused.

Yui

 

[Guest]

It's a bit ambiguous, Raph.

I have to admit, I had a bit of trouble comprehending the entire quote, but then again, that could be because it was out of context.

Lou

 

[Liar]

Hmm. It WAS clear to me that it was Unei, until I read the question part, and started thinking about it too much. :rolleues:

 

[minsue]

Hmm. It WAS clear to me that it was Unei, until I read the question part, and started thinking about it too much. :rolleues:

Ack! I hate it when I roll my eues! That hurts.

 

[MathGirl]

Dear Raphy,
I hope you will take this in the helpful way it is intended: Did anyone ever tell you how ridiculous your AV looks?
Altruistically,
MG
Ps. Did someone mention rolling ewes?

 

[Liar]

Ack! I hate it when I roll my eues! That hurts.

http://freewebdesign.be/smileys/images/smile21.gif

 

[minsue]

Originally posted by Liar

My long lost brother! You've found me at last! http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/mix/ibf_x.gif

Ps Don't listen to the big assed baby, Raphy. I love your AV.

 

[Edward Teach]

Excerpt:

Cain and the other guy, the hacker called Salveno, wanted to put her under again. Unei hadn’t been convinced, but Kristen told them what Unei had told her, all that stuff about seeing images, fragments, transitions and that had swung it. So she’d sat back down in the green plastic chair and waited patiently.

Is it obvious that the 'she' that I have highlighted refers to Unei, or is there some ambiguity over whether it refers to Unei or Kristen?

Raphy, I thought it referred to Kristen. The prior "her" referred to Kristen, so I thought the "she'd" referred to Kristen also. FWIW, I think replacing "she'd" with "Unei" would be better.

Ed

 

[Lou Nuttick]

Excerpt:

Cain and the other guy, the hacker called Salveno, wanted to put her under again. Unei hadn’t been convinced, but Kristen told them what Unei had told her, all that stuff about seeing images, fragments, transitions and that had swung it. So she’d sat back down in the green plastic chair and waited patiently.

Is it obvious that the 'she' that I have highlighted refers to Unei, or is there some ambiguity over whether it refers to Unei or Kristen?

I didn't find it overly confusing. Sure, if you try to parse the paragraph, it may seem ambiguous, but from the information presented, the action of sitting back and waiting patiently only makes sense for Unei.

 

[raphy]

Wow, thanks for all the responses, everyone. As you might have guessed I myself thought the paragraph was ambiguous when I wrote it - Otherwise I would not have asked here.

It seems to be that some find it completely clear and some find it ambiguous - In that case, I'll rewrite

I was leaning that way myself. Just looking for confirmation.

p.s. MG, you are, as ever, eternally helpful. Thing is, I've been informed by entirely too many attractive women that my AV is just fine. But thanks for your opinion.

 

[raphy]

Rewritten

(And reworked too, got Kristen objecting instead of Unei. Don'tcha just love the way fiction is so malleable?)

Cain and the other guy, the console jockey called Salveno, wanted to put her under again. They wanted to hook her back up to Salveno’s deck and do something inside her head again, but Kristen hadn’t been convinced.

“Give the girl a break, guys. She’s just been shot, half drowned and concussed. Haven’t you done enough poking and prodding yet?”

“No, it’s okay, Kristen.” All eyes turned to Unei. “I need to do this. I need to find out what’s wrong. And I need to know what those fragments were I saw before.”

“Fragments?” Salveno looked at Unei curiously. She felt somehow smaller under his gaze. She looked at Kristen who sighed, shrugged, rolled her eyes and made a helpless gesture.

“You might as well tell them what you told me,” Kristen said.

“Tell us what? What fragments?” Salveno’s voice was quiet, reassuring, but his manner was poised, coiled tight.

Unei them what she’d told Kristen earlier, all the stuff about seeing images, fragments, transitions and that had swung it. So she’d sat back down in the green plastic chair and waited patiently while Salveno had reattached all the electrodes and things to her head.

Thanks for all your comments and help, guys. I appreciate it. I'd find it a much harder road to becoming a better writer if it weren't for the people on this site.

That's why I like the AH. Regardless of how much we may bicker and fight on political threads, religious threads, or whatever - At a request for help, everyone comes running. I hope I give something back in turn

Love ya guys

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

“Fragments?” Salveno looked at Unei curiously. She felt somehow smaller under his gaze. She looked at Kristen who sighed, shrugged, rolled her eyes and made a helpless gesture.

raphy,

For what it's worth, I think the revision is much better. However and IMHO, due to the dialogue tag, you've got a POV shift (from Salverio to Unei) in the paragraph I quoted. My advice would be to re-write the tag w/o the adverb, "curiously." (Might also get rid of the "looked" to avoid having "Salvverio looked..." followed by "She looked....")

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

I like the change -

raphy -

The rewrite is much easier to understand.

(Oh, and the AV thing? Maybe it's because the zipper on your jeans is only partially undone?)

 

[raphy]

raphy,

For what it's worth, I think the revision is much better. However and IMHO, due to the dialogue tag, you've got a POV shift (from Salverio to Unei) in the paragraph I quoted. My advice would be to re-write the tag w/o the adverb, "curiously." (Might also get rid of the "looked" to avoid having "Salvverio looked..." followed by "She looked....")

Rumple Foreskin

Maybe I should just started the 'She felt' as a new paragraph?

Like..

“Fragments?” Salveno studied Unei curiously.

She felt somehow smaller under his gaze. She looked at Kristen who sighed, shrugged, rolled her eyes and made a helpless gesture.

I don't mind starting that paragraph without her name. The story is written in 3PL perspective from Unei's point of view, and by this point, I think the reader's pretty used to thoughts coming from her.

Thanks for the suggestion, Rumple

 

[raphy]

Re: I like the change -

raphy -

The rewrite is much easier to understand.

(Oh, and the AV thing? Maybe it's because the zipper on your jeans is only partially undone?)

Does that make it silly?

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: I like the change -

Does that make it silly?

Nope.

Makes me want to reach out and slowly unzip it the rest of the way . . .

 

[raphy]

Re: Re: Re: I like the change -

Nope.

Makes me want to reach out and slowly unzip it the rest of the way . . .

Sarah, you bad girl! Acting all slutty like that!

Raph, cross-threading.

 

[sybilrose]

The Zipper Doesnt ...bother me

Bother me...


So where is the rest of this story? Looks like it is going to be good.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I like the change -

Sarah, you bad girl! Acting all slutty like that!

Raph, cross-threading.

 

[raphy]

Re: The Zipper Doesnt ...bother me

Bother me...


So where is the rest of this story? Looks like it is going to be good.

It's a follow up to my NaNo novel - A prequel, set 13 years earlier.

Basic plot:

A woman wakes up with amnesia, hunted by some unknown agency. During neural investigation it's discovered that her amnesia is not of the common-or-garden variety. (It's set in the future, neural technology has advanced considerably). That's chapter 1, basically.

The plot of the novel then revolves around the woman (and her new-found allies) searching for what happened to her, how to recover her memory and how to stop the people who hunt her from hunting her. (Obviously, one is connected to the other)

Our gallant heros (and heroines) will need to find out:

a) what caused the amnesia
b) who caused the amnesia
c) what the people who caused it hoped to gain from it
d) why they're still hunting her
e) how to stop them from hunting her anymore

etc etc

And no, I haven't figured out the answers to those questions yet. I write without a pre-planned outline, remember

 

[minsue]

Re: Re: The Zipper Doesnt ...bother me

And no, I haven't figured out the answers to those questions yet. I write without a pre-planned outline, remember

Heathen

 

[raphy]

Re: Re: Re: The Zipper Doesnt ...bother me

Heathen

I prefer to think of it as devout. After all, I am taking it on faith that the story is going to work all those things out

And if that ain't faith, I don't know what is...