Very new, looking for feedback

[MissFroggy]

Hello, all

Despite my lurker status for ages now, I am finally starting to get quite a few stories under my belt and I'm looking to start posting them on a more regular basis. Thus far I have 3 stories submitted here (the link is in the sig), and I would very much love feedback on all three. They are kind of rough around the edges at the moment, so I welcome all critiques and suggestions for making my writing better before I submit any other stories.

I thank you kindly in advance for taking the time to review.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I read the two that weren't BDSM and really liked them. (From these, I'd guess I probably wouldn't mind even your BDSM either.) They're well done, and very sexy, and I find it hard to think of any particular criticism. Not much help, I know.

And congratulations on making someone British, and having it be part of their charm, without over-egging it and having them flip between Cockney barrow-boy and Burberry'd landowner.

Okay, you feel they're rough around the edges, and I don't think they're perfect: there should be something I can say that they need. But I didn't spot any weaknesses as I was reading them. Some quirk or tic that I can say you do too much -- or some lack of attention to this or that detail. Hmm...

I'm always impressed by someone who seems to quite effortlessly write a sentence as grammatically intricate as And, as I fell asleep, I realized how happy I was that I met someone that I felt comfortable enough with to share that part of myself. and get it right. Yet time and again you have these interestingly involved and balanced sentences, differing in focus and size, and all quite unobtrusive.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Right, I've read the third one now, and very enjoyable it was too. The only quirks I can see are stylistic choice, not faults -- that is, I wouldn't write it quite like that, but there's no reason you shouldn't.

You use the dash for punctuation where I, being more traditional, would use a colon. This imparts a certain colloquial or more immediate flavour to it.

You use pronouns a lot. He and his are usually 'he', 'him', 'his', quite seldom 'Simon' and 'Simon's'. There is a very slight monotony because of this: he did this, I did that, he did another thing.

You use plain words for clit, cock, dick, ass, cum; and repeat them. There is no good solution to the naming of parts. I don't advise euphemisms, nor the biological names I favour, but perhaps you could sometimes find a way of just omitting mention of the part. Three or more uses of 'clit' within a couple of paragraphs has a bit of a desensitizing effect.

 

[MissFroggy]

Thank you so much, RainbowSkin for the feedback. The things you touched upon in that second post were things that I already knew (more or less), but needed help specifying. The only thing I was coming up with was a vague "feeling" that something wasn't quite right - putting your finger right on it will REALLY help me out on the next story.

I did make me laugh that the BDSM category sort of put you off. I originally classified it as "Anal" simply because I don't particularly think of it as BDSM. Apparently, I was wrong, hehe

As far as dashes go: Yes, I use them a lot. I does bother me how often I use them at times and have actually been trying to wean myself off of them entirely. It's a nasty habit I picked up ages ago, and it's very hard for me to shake. I can't say I'd ever stop using them altogether, but I will make a concerted effort to make them less noticeable.

Again, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to both critique and compliment my work.

 

[Sunnie]

Nice to see you here, Froggy...are you still working for Michael?