Very difficult situation. Help!

[UKJake]

I hope some of you will take some time out and read this as I know for certain that there will be people here who will be able to understand this and perhaps give me some words of advice.

In the late 90’s when I was 18 I met my first serious girlfriend who I was with for about a year. We split up despite me really loving her when she told me that she didn’t want to settle down and wanted to have freedom etc which at the time was hard to swallow but now when I look back was the right thing to do.

She moved down South with work, met a guy and had two children with him. During these 4 years or so we didn’t speak of course because she had her own life. She came back up here and I found out and I was told that the guy turn out to be nasty piece of work. He was on drugs, attacked her and sold her stuff and she felt trapped and couldn’t leave.

After a while of her being up here I got in touch with her which she expected and we saw each other for about 6 months but then we stopped because she didn’t feel she was ready for another relationship and had to consider her children first. Again I understood despite falling for her again.

In March she got back in touch again and we discussed everything, put our cards on the table and discussed everything that ‘could’ happen and that I had to seriously think thinks through before getting involved with her. She was offering me the chance to leave her alone but I didn’t want to and me taking on her children far down the line isn’t something I was worried about and I like children having just qualified as a teacher. We are taking things easy but she trusts me with her family and her parents have always liked me although my parents haven’t really known her well.

Anyway, yesterday I got my first job and during the delight of it all mentioned that I may be seeing her again and mentioned that she had two children. My mum is one of those people who worries about what other people think, thinks about money all the time and always seems to think about the bad things first before the good in people.

She was annoyed with me saying she couldn’t sleep and saying that she was only here for my money and that I wouldn’t be able to afford children myself if I took on hers etc and that men usually leave women well alone when they find out they already have children. This all despite the fact my sister has a young daughter and isn’t with her partner and my own dad took on my mums first child! My mum says ‘this is different though’. My dad is fine with everything it seems and trusts the decisions I make.

My relationship with her isn’t massively serious yet as I’ve kept a bit of distance just in case things don’t work out even though I want them to be a success. I even said to my mum that it wasn’t very serious (although of course it could well become that way). My girl isn’t like what my mum thinks she is. She won’t even take any money off me because everything she makes she wants to be able to say is hers and he daughter. She gets cross if I pay for things on nights out! She is strong minded, determined and independent and has even said that the thing that worries her most is what my family would say about her and her intentions.

Now that I have got my first professional job I don’t want to have to worry about anything else! I regret mentioning it now as it kind of spoiled yesterday but my mum would have had to know at some point but now says that she should never come to this house.

Thanks!

 

[Recidiva]

The more stress you put on figuring out an entire relationship at the beginning of it, the easier it is for the relationship to snap under that level of stress.

Don't let other people tell you what to do or what to think. Follow your heart. If it doesn't work out, that's fine. You'll learn something along the way. It's okay to make choices and even mistakes and have fun making them until you decide to do things differently.

 

[Guest]

 

[UKJake]

Thanks for the replies.

I wasn't worried about the situation after having a massive heart to heart with my lady but now that my mum is involved i'm sure she'll make it horrible.

I do live with my parents but i can't really afford to move out right now. After a year or two teaching i'll be able to move out (and i'd want to) but right now i'm stuck here. I get on well with them in regards to most things so i wasn't in a rush to move out anyway.

 

[Recidiva]

Thanks for the replies.

I wasn't worried about the situation after having a massive heart to heart with my lady but now that my mum is involved i'm sure she'll make it horrible.

I do live with my parents but i can't really afford to move out right now. After a year or two teaching i'll be able to move out (and i'd want to) but right now i'm stuck here. I get on well with them in regards to most things so i wasn't in a rush to move out anyway.

Well, if you're under their roof, they're going to want control.

You're going to have to get out before you get any measure of that.

 

[M's girl]

Sounds like typical mum-stuff to me.

I have not checked your profile... I don't know what age you are. In the end it also does not matter since the level of maturity does not always match with age anyway (especially with men, haha).

Anyway.... it sounds to me like you know what you're getting in to. Keep that sense of reality no matter what and you'll be fine. It does not help that you're living with your parents but basically when you're old enough and earn your own money you should be telling your mum (in a nice and polite way!) that your life is now your own business. Tell her you appreciate it she is worrying for you but that you will have to make your own decisions and maybe faults as well at some point in life.

I was listening (and minding) to what my mum said for too long and never dared talking back. At one point I decided to stand up for myself and tell her that some things are just none of her business anymore. It was hard for her to hear but strangely enough it worked out very well and she respects me for it and respects (most of) my decisons now.

Of course it means also that you can't run back to mum to solve your problems for you anymore after that. If you are truelly ready to stand on your own two feet you tell her and accept the consequenses.

Good luck.

 

[UKJake]

Thanks. I'm 26 soon by the way. She is 25 soon.

I can understand why my mum feels like this but if she could understand how i feel then and the way i am being cautious about all of this then she would have nothing to worry about.

I also don't want her to think that this is definately going to result in me and her getting together because of course it may not work out. At the same time though, i would like her to understand that it could work out.

As i said in the original post, my mum is strange about things such as what people would think of HER and others peoples real intentions, especially when it comes to money. This is just her personality though and my girl is the complete opposite of the people she fears.

 

[Recidiva]

Thanks. I'm 26 soon by the way. She is 25 soon.

I can understand why my mum feels like this but if she could understand how i feel then and the way i am being cautious about all of this then she would have nothing to worry about.

I also don't want her to think that this is definately going to result in me and her getting together because of course it may not work out. At the same time though, i would like her to understand that it could work out.

As i said in the original post, my mum is strange about things such as what people would think of HER and others peoples real intentions, especially when it comes to money. This is just her personality though and my girl is the complete opposite of the people she fears.

Well, you're catching your mom's weird by association. You can't possibly know the answers to these questions. It's okay to say "I don't know"

 

[juicywet21]

I hope some of you will take some time out and read this as I know for certain that there will be people here who will be able to understand this and perhaps give me some words of advice.

In the late 90’s when I was 18 I met my first serious girlfriend who I was with for about a year. We split up despite me really loving her when she told me that she didn’t want to settle down and wanted to have freedom etc which at the time was hard to swallow but now when I look back was the right thing to do.

She moved down South with work, met a guy and had two children with him. During these 4 years or so we didn’t speak of course because she had her own life. She came back up here and I found out and I was told that the guy turn out to be nasty piece of work. He was on drugs, attacked her and sold her stuff and she felt trapped and couldn’t leave.

After a while of her being up here I got in touch with her which she expected and we saw each other for about 6 months but then we stopped because she didn’t feel she was ready for another relationship and had to consider her children first. Again I understood despite falling for her again.

In March she got back in touch again and we discussed everything, put our cards on the table and discussed everything that ‘could’ happen and that I had to seriously think thinks through before getting involved with her. She was offering me the chance to leave her alone but I didn’t want to and me taking on her children far down the line isn’t something I was worried about and I like children having just qualified as a teacher. We are taking things easy but she trusts me with her family and her parents have always liked me although my parents haven’t really known her well.

Anyway, yesterday I got my first job and during the delight of it all mentioned that I may be seeing her again and mentioned that she had two children. My mum is one of those people who worries about what other people think, thinks about money all the time and always seems to think about the bad things first before the good in people.

She was annoyed with me saying she couldn’t sleep and saying that she was only here for my money and that I wouldn’t be able to afford children myself if I took on hers etc and that men usually leave women well alone when they find out they already have children. This all despite the fact my sister has a young daughter and isn’t with her partner and my own dad took on my mums first child! My mum says ‘this is different though’. My dad is fine with everything it seems and trusts the decisions I make.

My relationship with her isn’t massively serious yet as I’ve kept a bit of distance just in case things don’t work out even though I want them to be a success. I even said to my mum that it wasn’t very serious (although of course it could well become that way). My girl isn’t like what my mum thinks she is. She won’t even take any money off me because everything she makes she wants to be able to say is hers and he daughter. She gets cross if I pay for things on nights out! She is strong minded, determined and independent and has even said that the thing that worries her most is what my family would say about her and her intentions.

Now that I have got my first professional job I don’t want to have to worry about anything else! I regret mentioning it now as it kind of spoiled yesterday but my mum would have had to know at some point but now says that she should never come to this house.

Thanks!

A few questions for you:
* You said she was your first girlfriend, have you been in a relationship with anyone else or dated since her?

* Would you say you consciously or subconsciously compare every girl you see/meet/have a relationship with with her?

* "we discussed everything, put our cards on the table and discussed everything that ‘could’ happen and that I had to seriously think thinks through before getting involved with her. She was offering me the chance to leave her alone but I didn’t want to "
So she told you to think hard about it because she could hurt you??

* Does she feel the same way about you?

If I knew these I would have a better understanding of where you are coming from and give you some hopefully relevant and useful advice.

 

[UKJake]

Thanks for the good questions.

I've had short times with girls yes, nothing serious and it wasn't because i was waiting for her because i never expected her to come back but since she did return we know how much we care for each other. Other girls just didn't have 'something' that i liked.

Originally i did compare other girls to her during the time i was upset about splitting up with her but after that i wanted a girl who was very different to her. When i found 'different', i wasn't as keen!

Well she told me to think about it for a number of reasons. Probably more that i could hurt her than her hurt me i.e. we got so close and then all of a sudden i felt that her having the children was too much for me. I think the things she wanted me to think about were:-

A) It's a big commitment taking on another persons children.

B) My biggest concern was the fact that should we have a child in the future, it wouldn't be her first time and we'd miss out on all that first time excitement but as we talked about this i began to understand that every time a woman gives birth, the feelings are still the same! I'm not worried about it at all now.

C) She wanted to know that if we became serious and became a family, i'd have more responsibilites than i would have done in a 'normal' relationship. She is a strong believer in teamwork and creating a strong family.

I'm VERY sure about how she feels about me and i feel we are closer to each other than we have ever been, mainly because we talk things through and are much more grown up. She is so happy when i have a success, accepts my faults and has really tried hard to get me to trust her. She has been out with me and my friends and tried to get to know them too and doesn't want me to pay for things because again she believes in equality etc and probably is trying to show that money isn't important to her.

I said that one of my biggest worries was that she would leave me like she has done in the past (for decent enough reasons) and she said she would work hard to convince me that she wasn't going anywhere.

Feel free to ask me anything else. I'd love to hear any advice.

 

[Eilan]

A) It's a big commitment taking on another persons children.

Yes, it is. And it's not something that every person is cut out to do. Some people feel really strongly about not raising another man/woman's children. Those who do have issues with it should stay far, far away from single mothers/fathers.

B) My biggest concern was the fact that should we have a child in the future, it wouldn't be her first time and we'd miss out on all that first time excitement but as we talked about this i began to understand that every time a woman gives birth, the feelings are still the same! I'm not worried about it at all now.

Glad you're not worrying about that now. Every pregnancy and childbirth experience is different. And if/when you have children together, you'll still get to experience all the first-time stuff--and she'll likely enjoy your reactions.

I have two children from my first marriage and two children with my husband. Our two children are my husband's only biological children (he had infertility issues that I've mentioned in other threads). When I was pregnant with our 3 1/2-year-old, it was really amazing to watch his reactions to all of my body's changes, even though I'd "been there, done that" two times already. The first time he was able to feel the baby move, he was so happy that he burst into tears; I was proud to be the one to share that with him.

C) She wanted to know that if we became serious and became a family, i'd have more responsibilites than i would have done in a 'normal' relationship. She is a strong believer in teamwork and creating a strong family.

What's "normal," really?

I said that one of my biggest worries was that she would leave me like she has done in the past (for decent enough reasons) and she said she would work hard to convince me that she wasn't going anywhere.

Sure, it's possible, but it's also possible that she's not the same person that you dated several years ago.

It sounds like the two of you have been communicating pretty openly about this. Keep it up!

Good luck to both of you.

 

[UKJake]

Glad you're not worrying about that now. Every pregnancy and childbirth experience is different. And if/when you have children together, you'll still get to experience all the first-time stuff--and she'll likely enjoy your reactions.

It sounds like the two of you have been communicating pretty openly about this. Keep it up!

Good luck to both of you.

Yes i thought that too. She'd look at me with the baby and i wouldn't be thinking about anything else. During the pregnancy i'd be happy and excited so i stopped worrying about it not being her first time.

That was probably my biggest issue but once i spat it out and spoke about it, everything else was easier and now we talk about everything very easily.

However, i won't tell her what my mums reaction was as this would probably upset her as that was one of her worries anyway. It shouldn't be something she has to deal with right now.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I'm gonna start off with the bad stuff here and get it out of the way. I hope this doesn't make me come off like some big asshole here.

There's only one negative here that I see, and that is your mom's attitude. Now I know she's your mom, but it sounds to me like she's acting pretty shallow about this whole thing. Your mom is worrying so much about what other people might think that she's missing the fact that anyone who might think bad of the situation is being shallow and should just mind their own business. Who gives a shit what other people think? Either your mother is being shallow about how this might make people look at her, or she's just being over protective and jealous that someone might be swaying your attentions away from her. Either way that's a selfish attitude and it's not at all fair to you, let alone this woman you are dating.

I understand this situation because I've dealt with it from your girlfriend's side of things. My mother in law is very judgemental, very opinionated, and very shallow. She's gotten better and after a decade, finally realized that I'm not the next incarnation of Satan himself, but that was a long hard road. You are going to have to confront and deal with this problem early on if you decide to get serious, because it can destroy your relationship. The answer isn't getting your girlfriend to accept it, it's getting your mother to pull her head out and see things for what they really are, once you figure out what that might be.

Now, sorry for ragging on your mother like that, but I'm trying to be totally honest and give you the straight poop from someone who has had to go through that.

As for the rest, it sounds to me like you are approaching this with an open mind, a level head, and keen eyes. Sit down and talk through all the pitfalls of an "untraditional" relationship? If only everyone did that before diving in. IMNSHO you couldn't be approaching this any better. Keep talking about these issues and they won't become issues.

She's so open for a couple reasons. I'm sure that first she is bound and determined not to get suckered in and hurt again. I'm sure she wants to make damned sure she doesn't maek a bad decision this time, not just for herself, but for her children. That's a sign of responsibility and maturity. She's also probably trying to make sure that you are for real. There aren't many guys who will sit down and talk through the issues of dating a single mother, they'll just go for it.

Dating a single mother is tough because you do have a responsibility. No matter how serious it may be, you don't just date the woman, you date her kids too. You have to be willing to accept that you'll walk right into being a father figure and that there are certain responsibilities that have to be taken on. Tough, no not always, and not for every person. Me, I know I could handle that, but then I'm a little older than you are, though I'm not sure I'm any more mature. The point is, if you have truly considered that issue, then you understand what that responsibility means. If you get it, you'll do fine.

Seriously bud, the only problem I see here is your mother. It'll be tough, but you can bring her through it. I think you've just got to get her to give this girl a chance. Oh and tell her it's a safe bet this isn't about the money. You said you're a teacher, right? Well, while I applaud all those willing to be teachers, I don't think anyone would place them on the golddiggers' top ten hit list.

Good luck and keep talking. That's the absolute best thing you could do.

 

[emap]

Tell you the truth, you have everything well in hand, besides your mother of course.

Your mum, well tell you the truth give her time, let her get used to the idea of maybe having two new grandchildren and she will warm up to the idea, though I would strongly recommend moving out before you let your girlfriend move in with you. If you move in with her no biggie but if she moves in to your parents house your mum will likely flip. Mainly because suddenly there are three more mouths to feed (It's not easy to cook for 3 let alone 6 daily) and she will have the horror stories of my son got married had kids and moved in with us and I have to take care of their kids all the time in her head.

Based off what you have said so far that won't be an issue but it will pop right into your mum's head.

Oh yeah, keep talking to your girl, go out have fun be young and in love with kids and stop worrying about anything beyond living through the drives or walks, seriously everything works out eventually, not always well but they do.

 

[M's girl]

I don't think he was even considering have her (and her kids) moving in with him and his parents....

Listen.... your mother has seen situations like this before and knows what pain it can bring sometimes. She has seen you hurt by this girl when she decided she was not ready for a relationship. She probably mainly wants to protect you although I also recognize something of the "how will it damage my image" thing your mother is probably worried about.

When you say she (your mother) should not worry because you don't even know yourself where this is all going, thát might be the exact reason she worries. Hey, I understand you but there are young children involved here who already sort of lost their dad (and although you and her might think that's not a big loss, a dad always is a dad to young children - no matter what an asshole he is). They are now getting attached to you and risk to lose you too if you (and her) are not serious about this relationship. I know you can't look into the future and can only do the best you can at this moment but maybe your mother takes your statements about "this might not even be a serious thing" as a sign of trouble ahead, which might become a reality when you two decide not to continue after all.

If I were you I would tell her that as far as you can see now this woman ánd her two kids are the ones you want to be with. You can show your mum you are not just sitting on this pink cloud by also telling her you simply cannot ensure ANYONE you will be together in 5 years, because that's not how it works. You two, and the children, will change because life changes you and your relationship will effect all 4 of you. The changes will effect your relationship; if all goes well ... for the better. Take it easy, go with your heart and decide with your mind. Think about how every thing you decide will effect the two of you ánd the kids and you will do fine. Really.

 

[UKJake]

Thankyou there are some very good words of advice from all of you above.

As has been stated, i'd agree that the only real problem here is my mother so i don't blame you for saying things about her.

I'm happy how my relationship with my girl and her children is but i always thought that my mother would be the biggest problem. She can be very snobby.

My girls biggest concern when we first met up again was that her girls would lose another father figure but she now believes how much i love her and enjoy being around her children and the fact that we sat down and had a massive chat and i was so honest were comforted her a lot too.

I wouldn't even consider moving in with my girl so soon. That will be way down the line if things between me and her stay strong. I'm not even in a rush to move out of this house despite my age as i now have an important career to get to grips with and i think i need some familiarity around me to do a good job in the first few years of being a teacher.


My girl is training to become a teacher too but won't finish for another 3 years and as i've said she doesn't ever want to rely on other people for her money. She always pays rent to her parents and buys things for her children with her own money and insists that i don't always pay for things when we are out with my money. Trying to get this across to my mother was/would be like talking to a brick wall because she can't understand that not everybody is like that.


M's girl, i told my mum that this may not develop into something serious and she seemed to show relief on her face but then i said it could become serious. I also said that i've never and wouldn't restrict myself to just focusing on this girl although as it stands that isn't true because i'm 100% focussed on her and don't want anybody else!

 

[Cockyfox]

You seem to be somewhat of a Momma's boy. Maybe you should distance yourself from your mother's influence for a time. Any potential girlfriend/wife will appreciate the space.

 

[UKJake]

I wouldn't say i'm that exactly. I get on well with her most of the time and i am her youngest so of course i'll be the final one of three to fly the nest.

I have no problem moving out (i'd miss the pets more!) but now isn't a suitable time to leave.

 

[M's girl]

..... i am her youngest so of course i'll be the final one of three to fly the nest.

That "helps" too.... in the way she is reacting to this whole situation I mean...