untitled

[she_is_my_addiction]

I need opinions on the following story start...thought, improvements, etc.


The apartment was still and quiet. Hot breezes whispered through the windows into the non-airconditioned rooms. It was late, or early depending on how you looked at it, as I stood in the kitchen sipping ice water, one hand resting on the cool granite counter top. Nothing seemed to be working against the extreme heat, and in a moment of desperation I stretched my upper body across the counter.

Suddenly, almost immediately, I felt the light stroke of your fingers exploring my hips with a calm intensity. I raised my body off the cool stone and your voice caught me.

"Keep still, little one."

Already my breathing was heavy. You knew all the right words and tones of voice to use to bring my senses to an all time high and send my arousal spiraling faster and faster.

Your body pressed against my back, trapping me between you and the counter. My bare legs kissed the cool woodwork of the cabinets and I shivered, goosebumps raising on my skin. I inhaled sharply at the sudden sensation.

"Shhhh," you intoned. "Were you hot, baby? Are you still?"

Your voice, having dropped to a husky, low octave by now, is working me. I squirmed slightly, feeling the wetness between my legs. My heart pounded, and I was certain you could hear it, like a solid, frantic drumbeat. Quickly, I put my hands flat on the counter to steady myself, though I know you would catch me if I lost my balance.

My eyes are closed now and I feel fingertips and nails lightly travel up my abdomen to the undersides of my breasts, where you let your fingers play thoughtfully for a few seconds. Your other hand is flat against my skin, fingers splayed, just above my cunt. I am whimpering softly. You're teasing right now, I know that. Seeing how far you can push me before I fall over the edge. Then, suddenly, like tiny whispers, your fingers, cool and ready, stroke my left nipple gently under my shirt. How, I wonder, are your hands so cool in this weather?

Before I have time to wonder about my own private inquiry, your other hand, still flat, caresses a path downward and cups my pussy, gently massaging. I want to arch against your hands, I think about it too, then your voice reminds me, low...husky...

"Keep still."

 

[cloudy]

I need opinions on the following story start...thought, improvements, etc.


The apartment was still and quiet. Hot breezes whispered through the windows into the non-airconditioned rooms. It was late, or early depending on how you looked at it, as I stood in the kitchen sipping ice water, one hand resting on the cool granite counter top. Nothing seemed to be working against the extreme heat, and in a moment of desperation I stretched my upper body across the counter.

Suddenly, almost immediately, I felt the light stroke of your fingers exploring my hips with a calm intensity. I raised my body off the cool stone and your voice caught me.

"Keep still, little one."

Already my breathing was heavy. You knew all the right words and tones of voice to use to bring my senses to an all time high and send my arousal spiraling faster and faster.

Your body pressed against my back, trapping me between you and the counter. My bare legs kissed the cool woodwork of the cabinets and I shivered, goosebumps raising on my skin. I inhaled sharply at the sudden sensation.

"Shhhh," you intoned. "Were you hot, baby? Are you still?"

Your voice, dropped to a husky, low octave by now, is working me. I squirmed slightly, feeling the wetness between my legs. My heart pounded, and I was certain you could hear it, like a solid, frantic drumbeat. Quickly, I put my hands flat on the counter to steady myself, though I know you would catch me if I lost my balance.

My closed, and I felt fingertips and nails lightly travel up my abdomen to the undersides of my breasts, where you let your fingers play thoughtfully for a few seconds. Your other hand was flat against my skin, fingers splayed, just above my cunt. I whimpered softly. You're teasing right now, I know that. Seeing how far you can push me before I fall over the edge. Then, suddenly, like tiny whispers, your fingers, cool and ready, stroked my left nipple gently under my shirt. How, I wonder, are your hands so cool in this weather?

Before I had time to wonder about my own private inquiry, your other hand, still flat, caressed a path downward and cupped my pussy, gently massaging. I wanted to arch against your hands, I thought about it too, then your voice reminded me, low...husky...

"Keep still."

I like it, but you change tense a couple of times, back and forth between past and present. I would change it all to past (made the changes above).

It's good, keep going!

 

[kbate]

I do not like the "non-airconditioned".

I am not fond of the first/second person mix in stories. The story is narrated by "I" to "you". The dialogue becomes clumsy: "shhh," you intoned, "xxxxxx"

There is nothing absolutely wrong with this type of tale, but I always have difficulty wondering exactly who would sit down and describe or write to someone in such a manner... you did this, then you did that... (does she not know she did it?)

I am half on the assumption from the second person and the "little one" that this is for Shanglan's AH thread

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I know...my tenses are really bad...I started writing this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I have to go back when I'm completely through and edit grammer, tense, etc.

kbate...thanks for your feedback. I don't know why, but I tend to just kind of fall into second person storytelling from time to time. I know it's not a very common or "English appropriate" tense to use...but I guess I feel like it puts the reader right there...