Untitled Poem

[Instant_Star]

Look at the moon,
Look at her!
So, so pale;
So Perfect...

She mocks me. Serenely.

I want to ruin her.
Scribble her rudely.
Demand.Force.Corner.
her into mirroring myself.

But...
I couldn't
not to her,
Not. Ever.

Look at her!
So beautiful,
so very strange...
Like all mothers,
she has a face
we never see.

_____________

I'd love whatever feedback y'all can give me

 

[bronzeage]

When I read a poem that starts with an imperative, I want to ask why. In this case, the writer wants us to see something in the moon which only he has seen. The burden is on him to tell us what it is, since we weren't there.

If not, it will remain a mystery.

 

[BooMerengue]

Look at the moon,
Look at her!
So, so pale;
So Perfect...

She mocks me. Serenely.

I want to ruin her.
Scribble her rudely.
Demand.Force.Corner.
her into mirroring myself.

But...
I couldn't
not to her,
Not. Ever.

Look at her!
So beautiful,
so very strange...
Like all mothers,
she has a face
we never see.

_____________

I'd love whatever feedback y'all can give me

I think I hear you but way too much punctuation. Punctuation commands you to do something; in this case to start and stop and yell too many times. Let go of the grass. freefall. You'll love it!

 

[bronzeage]

I think I hear you but way too much punctuation. Punctuation commands you to do something; in this case to start and stop and yell too many times. Let go of the grass. freefall. You'll love it!

Young poets are always too timid to speak plainly as if there is some perverse rule of poetry that forces feelings into code words to hide the meaning.

 

[BooMerengue]

Young poets are always too timid to speak plainly as if there is some perverse rule of poetry that forces feelings into code words to hide the meaning.

I know I'm exceptionally tired tonight but that went way over my head. And I'm not that short.