Unsure of my sexuality. Please help?

[White_Horse]

Hi there,

I apologise if there have been previos threads on this, I'm sure there have been. I would just like some advice and would be very grateful if anyone could let me know what their thoughts are, I'm a bit mixed up and unsure of things right now.

To give background: I'm an 18 year old female, I've had a couple of boyfriends although not "serious" relationships (I'm still a virgin). I've always formed very close (physically, and emotionally) friendships with my female friends. My best friend at the moment is 8, almost 9, years older than me. She lives about 500 miles away but it's easy for me to visit often due to my job and things. We've been the best of friends for 2-and-a-bit years now.

We've always been very, very close - she is sadly quite ill with an auto-immune disease, so whenever I visit I take over for a bit to let her relax and take the pressure off. At night we sleep in the same bed, I kiss her on the head/neck and so on (it's reciprocated) and hold hands, play with each other's hair, etc. I'm pretty much her carer, I give her her painkillers/water/whatever when it's too painful for her to get to them...

Anyway, to the point. For the last few months I've been very tempted to kiss her properly. I have never mentioned this to her or done anything about it, but I'm just wondering if I could actually be bisexual - I wouldn't say I feel an attraction towards other women, only her (though I have fixated on a couple of celebrities for a short while!)

Anyway, I'm honestly not sure if all I want is to protect her and look after her - we've always joked that we'll marry each other, etc, but she has had several boyfriends (although has been abused in the past, so she has been single for quite some time due to trust issues with men etc). I'm worried that, should I explain how I am feeling, it will really freak her out as she may well think we're 'just' friends.

I don't know, I am just confused and mixed up. I hope that someone here might be able to give some guidance?? I'd appreciate any comments, I realise I've just jumped in without introducing myself and it's kinda rude, but I'm a bit lost, and Lit is the first place I thought of for guidance on this topic.

Please help if you can, I'd appreciate it.

 

[Wolfman1982]

White_Horse: Hmmm is it to extreme to say, this ... how about Go for it ? and maybe just ask casual before you do anything about. If she has ever had bisexual / biamorous relationships etc. ...

Since I think of what you have told, then I think , if you are bisexual, or lesbian, it doesn´t matter. I just think you should just take easy steps. But perhaps somebody else could give a better advice. But it is of course, your own choice.

And I take my hat off for you, since what you are doing is something I really admire

Anyway good luck

 

[sseg]

Hi there,

I apologise if there have been previos threads on this, I'm sure there have been. I would just like some advice and would be very grateful if anyone could let me know what their thoughts are, I'm a bit mixed up and unsure of things right now.

To give background: I'm an 18 year old female, I've had a couple of boyfriends although not "serious" relationships (I'm still a virgin). I've always formed very close (physically, and emotionally) friendships with my female friends. My best friend at the moment is 8, almost 9, years older than me. She lives about 500 miles away but it's easy for me to visit often due to my job and things. We've been the best of friends for 2-and-a-bit years now.

We've always been very, very close - she is sadly quite ill with an auto-immune disease, so whenever I visit I take over for a bit to let her relax and take the pressure off. At night we sleep in the same bed, I kiss her on the head/neck and so on (it's reciprocated) and hold hands, play with each other's hair, etc. I'm pretty much her carer, I give her her painkillers/water/whatever when it's too painful for her to get to them...

Anyway, to the point. For the last few months I've been very tempted to kiss her properly. I have never mentioned this to her or done anything about it, but I'm just wondering if I could actually be bisexual - I wouldn't say I feel an attraction towards other women, only her (though I have fixated on a couple of celebrities for a short while!)

Anyway, I'm honestly not sure if all I want is to protect her and look after her - we've always joked that we'll marry each other, etc, but she has had several boyfriends (although has been abused in the past, so she has been single for quite some time due to trust issues with men etc). I'm worried that, should I explain how I am feeling, it will really freak her out as she may well think we're 'just' friends.

I don't know, I am just confused and mixed up. I hope that someone here might be able to give some guidance?? I'd appreciate any comments, I realise I've just jumped in without introducing myself and it's kinda rude, but I'm a bit lost, and Lit is the first place I thought of for guidance on this topic.

Please help if you can, I'd appreciate it.

It is not unusual to feel attraction towards someone who you feel protective of and close to. You can start this discussion with her slowly. Find out how she feels about same sex relations, has she ever been attracted to another woman, that sort of thing. Talk about yourself without mentioning that it may be her to whom you are attracted, use generalities. Don't do this all at once, work it into normal conversations over a period of time. If at any time it seems to freak her out, back off. This way you'll have a better idea of whether or not it's ok for you to express those feelings towards her, and who knows, maybe she'll take the initiative once you put the idea into her head that you're ok with such things.

 

[LoboBoy]

Due to the nature of your friendship/relationship, I certainly do not think you should just go for it.

Take time to think about where she is right now with the Auto immune disease...knowing these things are life long...can you open up that side of the relationship and offer her more? The kind of "more" that comes with being some one's significant other?

You guys already share a special kind of bond and affection...I don't think she's going to knock you back. But are you ready for what it means when she accepts your advances? You know it won’t be “just sex”.

 

[White_Horse]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. Just posting about it took a weight off my mind

Due to the nature of your friendship/relationship, I certainly do not think you should just go for it.

I'm not sure I would - just go for it, I mean. I think that's more likely to freak her out than if I was to approach it sympathetically. I know she's never had a same sex relationship before, but I asked in a subtle way last time I saw her what she thought a kiss with another woman would be like, and she said she imagined it'd be pretty much the same as a guy's kiss (I know it isn't ), but she didn't seem put off by it, or whatever. So perhaps there's a chance - but, me being me, have to go through everything at LEAST 75987 times to think about what I'd say, how I'd bring it up - or indeed if I would.

sseg - thank you for your comments. I have a suspicion that she did hold an attraction towards one of her friends when she was about the age I am now, but I think maybe she repressed that (her father in particular is staunchly anti-gay people, which obviously will contribute to the way she thinks about it. Because of this also, I'm not sure how to proceed...)

can you open up that side of the relationship and offer her more? The kind of "more" that comes with being some one's significant other?

To be honest, aside from the no sex part, we're pretty much already like SOs. She does refer to me as her other half, which did make me laugh. But I do take on board what you're saying, and it's something I'll think about - the other thing that crossed my mind is that once the transition has been made from friends to more than that, and it doesn't work out, it's nigh on impossible to go back to how it was.....

I always tend to doubt myself, so what I think I'll do is wait until I see her next (I'm not sure when this will be as I have a lot on at work at the moment) and see if those feelings are still there (I'm sure they will be, but just to make sure!). I want to see what happens now I'm not trying to hide them from myself, perhaps my mind will be thinking in a different way; I don't know.

Thanks again for your comments, I really do appreciate it. Any other comments are more than welcome.

 

[Little Bird]

Two years ago I fell in love with my best friend, who was four years older than me. I told her, she freaked not out but said no, things where fine (then some fraking out from my side but I got over it), and we where best friends again. That we lost contact half a year later had different reasons.

But what I really had never even thought of, was If I would like to become part of her life. That she would leave her friends and family behind was out of question, while I had really no strong bonds that would have held me where I lived. At the end of all, I realized: No, I'd really like to be with her, but I could never have felt at home living with her. This live was really nothing I wanted. Realizing that, I loved her even more for not starting anything with me.

I don't want to say you should not try, but I was in a similar situation and really never thought of maybe the most important question of all. Just think about it, and if the answer is yes, go on.


I think the most dificult part is not what happens if she shares your feelings, but what if not. Changing from friends to lovers is something that can be only done together. What I would do is to first get to know what she thinks of it and then dealing with everthing that comes after that. The week before I got the courage to ask my friend my sex drive went down to zero, mostly in fearing that I could not again see her as a friend after thinking of in sexual ways.
It's really not an easy thing, but maybe things get less dificult if you tell her how much you care for her, not necicarily wanting a sexual relationship.
After being in a similar situation and doing almost everything wrong (but not regreting it) I don't really want to give advice, but I think at least thinking if these things could make the decisions a litte less difficult.

 

[double_X]

Labels

Hello,
Without delving into your dillema in great depth I think you should stop trying to define yourself by sexual orientation. Lets get rid of labels and just be! hurrah

 

[ezervet]

Hello,
Without delving into your dillema in great depth I think you should stop trying to define yourself by sexual orientation. Lets get rid of labels and just be! hurrah

Hehe, well, i totally get where you're coming from with regards to the whole "labels are idiotic" sentiment, i think it is helpful to people to be able to figure out some sort of broad label to fit into. It can be a real release for people (i.e. me in recent months!) to be able to figure out where they are in the scheme of things.

Now, people who let themselves be controlled entirely by that label..lame, yeah.

 

[double_X]

Hehe, well, i totally get where you're coming from with regards to the whole "labels are idiotic" sentiment, i think it is helpful to people to be able to figure out some sort of broad label to fit into. It can be a real release for people (i.e. me in recent months!) to be able to figure out where they are in the scheme of things.

Now, people who let themselves be controlled entirely by that label..lame, yeah.

I get where your coming from but hey, im an idealist. be nice to one day be known simply by your name. as if! lol