Unsent Messages to Him/Her

[ethereal~minx]

so much to express

so much to say

the time that we have

just goes away

i have so much in my heart to say to you, so much i just want you to hear



independent & tenacious

interdependent yet attached

the moon & the sun

eternal the dance




the reality of this
i must look hard to see
the illusion of love created
is only visible to me
i love you with all my heart
you know all of me is true
nothing I have ever said
has been a lie to you

today must be independence day
he asked what is it that you have to do
the subtle way you have been
is simply not making it through
yet you see i'm not asking for your arm
or your hand or your body or your leg
i'm asking for your heart as a friend
and for this friendship i will beg
i have grown with you
in so many more ways than one
the truth i saw in your eyes
reflected the most beautiful sun

 

[ethereal~minx]

the problem between us will exist until we know the reason for it
the reason for the problem between us is
the tenacious hold
and the attachment
regardless of what we both say
it is there~~~~ and you cannot deny it


Randy helped me realize I gave you alot of power
and from talking with him I could certainly see that...
and from reading about my sign, I can see it is my nature
(and from reading about your sign, I can see it is in your nature to hold/keep that power)
especially when trust is involved, and truth
and because I see truth in you~ and all that I admire
and want to be~~ the Divine Masculine me (as I've said before)
how could I not submit all of me to you without even realizing ???

the power I so innately gave, and for all the reasons one would...
that I did not realize I GAVE because it is my nature! when circumstances are rightfully aligned *wink*
I was fighting to get it back~ and I didn't realize that either
~~~ as if you tooook it from me like a thief

attached, as if divinely ordered to attach
and tenacious ~~ holding fast to rightful possession
jedi & lightsaber~~ meant to go together but not skilled in the arts of cooperation

so, I guess, all I'm saying is~~ the confusion sucked! but the experience was useful
my power is mine~ your power is yours
this connection you choose to sever
and I hope you will learn from this too~~~ deepening intimacy with someone you trust is... these personal relationships are the fertile soil from which ALL advancement, ALL success, ALL achievement in REAL LIFE grows~~~
I've grown so much with you through the deep intimacy I shared with you because of the trust and truth I found between us
thank you for being in my life, I love you

 

[ethereal~minx]

I'll always be the lightsaber with innate latent power
activated by~~ honesty, integrity, tenderness & trust~~ (I know it was there)
attached to the jedi until cut off

oops, I meant to call you Luke *batting lashes*

that's what I felt like~~

like you had this hold on me, whether i made it up or not

yeah, I want to believe you held on ... because you could see what I see~ the power we have together

but...fuck, I digress.....

 

[ethereal~minx]

i have to get you
out-of-my-mind
i don't know how to do it
but i am blind
by my tears
they continue to fall
they wont stop
after all
i want to say I hate you
i know it'll only hurt me
then I'll say I'm sorry
then where will I be
i just wish
you were in love
with me
i have to do something~ I don't know what to do
I'm out of my mind in tears I can't forget you

 

[ethereal~minx]

Circling your, circling your, circling your head
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth
I got a doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out
See you later
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads, yeah
Well now that's over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Back off we'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're Headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
And this is not where you belong

I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away

Conclusions manifest
Your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you're full of shit and that's alright
That's how you play I guess you get through every night
Well now that's over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads, yeah
Well now that's over I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Back off we'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're Headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
And this is not where you belong

Where you belong
I can't give everything away
This is not where you belong
I won't give everything away

I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about your motives inside and your decision to hide

Back off we'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're Headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
And this is not where you belong

Where you belong
This is not where you belong
I can't give everything away
This is not where you belong
I won't give everything away
This is not where you belong

 

[ethereal~minx]

for this-morning's call~
for upsetting you~
for upsetting me...

my intent was to prevent it from happening & free my day of thoughts of well- angst
I have to make this my last correspondence! this is pulling me down to my lowest..
and dragging me under.. it's killing me slowly

I love you. as always. I want to be with you. always. In my heart, All of me believes we are meant to be~~~ the Sun and the Moon~ together~ eternally~ for reasons seasons lifetimes you know~~~ together we have the power to go through this life and all the frozen spots that seem too frozen I need not remind you of the moments that were seemingly filled with more hours than just the 30 mins that they were... or the joys that neither of us wanted to end, I know they are in your heart & mind, hidden but for reasons not known

it is your choice to put me down~ it is your choice to pick me up
it is my choice to stop my pain

I have to because it is literally killing me this way~~~ back to today. I do want the movie, I'm afraid that it will not be returned because of this back and forth we go~~~ I don't know what to believe anymore and I need my own peace of mind back...
I do want to speak w/ your dad about Jake, maybe he can call me? the thought of just giving him away without even speaking to your dad is hurting me and for you to be the one to tell yoru dad that's the way it happened ~~ I can only imagine the heartless spin you would put on it... I'm not heartless. you know this. it kills me.

but I can't come to your house with this pain~ just to talk to your dad.

I wish....

 

[ethereal~minx]

after about 5 mins of trying to get the htm attachments open, I decided to give up and click on the other attachments & this is what I found~~~~ I'm thinking this is the *tears* actual message!

Thanks ~~~ this is truly what life is all about!


what I know is this though...
until you allow yourself to be this child~~ to smile & cry
to step over the laundry
to play & leave the dishes in the sink
to blow bubbles & not second guess decisions
to hold love in your arms & express love openly w/o fear or vulnerability
to sit on the porch & see the beauty of the stars
to thank god for the blessings and gifts in your life instead of worrying and fearing for every day

until you allow yourself to become the child
you'll live with one foot on the gas & one on the brake~~~
if you're so busy working to live, you forget what you're living for~~~ and that's JOY
and I'm learning to live for joy every single day... practice makes ..well, a little less brakes to the joy and alot more steady on it : )
I wanna keep on truckin!
thanks again.



Subject: To My Child (dont delete ~ its being tracked)

Be sure and read to the bottom portion.....

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.............

 

[ethereal~minx]

I found that when I feeel there is truth, when I feeeel integrity in your eyes~ when I feel a connection with you~ I am not only submissive as in~ you drive, you lead, you first this or that

it's much much deeper~~
it's values deeper
it's big decisions deeper~~~

and that's where my fight begins-- I didn't realize this level of my submission~~~~ and I would fight to regain this control that I so innately gave

what I require of myself? discernment. to get involved with someone, I have to 'get to know' them...there has to be a mutual desire to learn eachother...
from learning you know
and then there will be trust

feeling is not equal to truth
boy this is a tough lesson to learn

 

[ethereal~minx]

inside
reflection pain
knife stabbing
bleeding drained
thrashing heart
tearing apart
inside out

where to go
to who
only you
hurt you
blame you
hate you
want you
love you
for you
~for me!

 

[ethereal~minx]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dom/me that does not understand Her/His self will be unable to be consistent, fair minded, honest, sincere, and in control.

A submissive without the depth of self knowledge or the sincere quest to be taken into the CARING control of a Dominant they feel is worthy of molding their future will continually question the obvious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T.J.Jackson quoting Shadowsdream
in "all this topping from the bottom..."

 

[ethereal~minx]

i feel so
like i can't look in your eyes
i smile an embarrassed smile
i truly want to hide
i feel your eyes watching
i know really not what you do
i feel my breathing slow & trembling
i'm enveloped in you




i didn't know what was going on
except that You let me stay
a joyous little escapade of time
to get me on my way
through tears & fears & unmet eyes
Your hand waved me to sit
shocked as i was
i sat
for a moment forgetting myself
this is just a comfortable seat
believing You just --i couldn't
then i waited for Your request
i knew it'd be subtle
i don't remember just how it began
but in just a moment i was on my knees
following this unspoken command
i didn't second guess myself
i rather enjoyed every bit
You touched me
and smiled
i felt soo good
like a prized, well-mannered pet

 

[ethereal~minx]

more soul-searching!!!

/through soul-searching & such, I feel at times that I got a pretty good handle on who I am~~ (I've been at this point before & it just makes me laugh because it constantly changes)

I'm submissive
I know what that means
then *POW*

my life is changed dramatically and it's NOT MY FAULT!!!!! of course it's not~~~ (this is all self-talk by theway)
but through the devastation! pain & reflection I find the reasons for it all-- up to that very moment anyway...

the giving was realized only to a certain level
~this is even difficult for me to admit~ *embarrassed*
I was not intentionally willful or headstrong, I didn't realize I was fighting for control~~~ I thought I was fighting only to be heard.. it gets so convoluted in my mind

but my point is~~ *stomach turning*
I think I am reaching a deeper level of awarenss that scares me~


to be aware that you consciously choose to [it's difficult for me to even think the words, let alone write them] *tears, fears...* submit ~ to become aware that you are placing your control, your power, your faith in another's hands~

the thought alone stops my words, nearly ceases my breathing... it's a choice that I've never consciously made~ that I am scared to death of... that ---

it really brings EVERYTHING to the NOW and from the decision to go forward with submitting, every move, action, thought must be a conscious one... (am i right?)

 

[ethereal~minx]

I guess I am just realizing what it means to be~ me.

I think the fear that I speak of is a result of what I've recently experienced in this ---relationship

*squeezing eyes tight* I don't think I would have came to this realization had I not went through this excruciating experience
and perhaps it's a topic for another thread but ..it would seem the question is~

now that I'm at this point, is this relationship what I want?

could this be the reason for what I call 'the MINDFUCK'?
so that I realize the depth of what I am doing? to realize exactly what it means to submit to You.. to know & be consciously aware of the choice I am making... and to do so with my eyes wide open, before You, with You knowing I know...

 

[ethereal~minx]

i can't continue to wonder
though is it presumptuous of me to ask
exactly what this is called
do i step back to May past
keeping You informed
~that waas at my request
when i was plaaying with You
or was that also a test?

my head is just spinning
too many questions i need not ask


or do i

 

[ethereal~minx]

the drive home was wrought
w/ redness in my cheeks
all the thoughts i could have said
the words i didn't speak

how do i form the words
& voice them from my lips
or first even think them
before my mouth spews forth the quip

~for allowing the moments
of trepidation spent with You
though my eyes barely met Yours
and i knew not what to do
to be rewarded with Your lenience
with Your tolerance and Your care
for the boundaries i am finding
~realizing they've been there

thank You

 

[ethereal~minx]

miscellanea

to take one into this world
is a blessing
a strong undertaking to be sure

i want to speak to You heart
WOW the power the gift of life
the unlocking
You've given me the keys
now I must unlock the door
You've made me realize I hold the
power to go

where no one has ever gone before
unleashing the divine fem within

it will only be...

the impetus of which...

 

[ethereal~minx]

the path You've led me down
i've found so much along the way
from the moment i laid eyes on You
i couldn't turn away

the path that i had started
the truth i saw in Your eyes
from the very first moments of truth
no longer could i hide


the path i was walking
it came as a surprise
the moment You turned around
i saw myself in Your eyes

i knew not yet the depth
a quick lesson i did learn
overnight a transformation
black widow did not return


the moment You turned around
i saw truth in Your eyes
i was compelled to get to know You
the how was a surprise

 

[ethereal~minx]

from the moment You turned around
& i saw truth in Your eyes
i knew i had to know You
i had no where left to hide
out of the darkness
you brought more truths to light
the flirty black widow transformed
revelation came overnight
that began my journey of truth
the path i set out to walk
the mirror walking beside me
divine reflection no longer sought

 

[ethereal~minx]

impetuous by nature
burning desire to know more
fitful hunger for learning
keeps me knocking on Your door

 

[ethereal~minx]

if You call i will come
i know not what i do
this hold You have on me
is invisible only to You

 

[ethereal~minx]

impetuous by nature
burning desire to know more
this fitfull hunger for learning
keeps me knocking at Your door

from the first look in Your eyes
and You showed me the me You saw
transforming spider to a fly
You revealed this diamond in the rough

i'd never seen this picture
i was offended at first glance
GOD! i was only flirting
no intent for Your pants!!!

but that's the image presented
by using my womanly ways
"I mean no harm in these words"
i believe in these words today

i fall back on that as remembrance
as the first truth i found in You
the one that keeps me hungry for more
the reason i do what i do

to this day there have been so many
i know more about me than ever before
through this reflection of me in Your eyes
i hold the key to unlock the door

i have a greater understanding
of what it means to be me
i am innately submissive to truth
an my eyes are now open to see
NOW in every breathe i take
my world is colored anew
i am conscious of my choices
and i ask should they include You

what is it that i want
is this? the question You ask of me
the door could be there to open
and now I hold the key

still i search for the answers
to the questions i have inside
will i ever know the answers
in faith i must abide

no longer blind but still searching
there are questions that still remain
like, is there a mutual desire
to create a temple for us to reign

 

[ethereal~minx]

i have placed You in a position
by asking for Your help
without Your permission
by Your side i have knelt
i've seen Jesus in Your eyes
i've felt the church inside of me
this communion holds me to You
the Divine is all i see
i believe i'm asking for nothing
i want to know more of me through You
the reflection i see in Your eyes
is the Divine Masculine Truth
i now know i was wrong
i have learned through my pain
i have learned i am learning
through You i have gained
i know the struggles we went through
my fight for control
i didn't know the depth i unconciously gave
now i am awake & conscious in the depths of my SOUL

 

[ethereal~minx]

i had a dream that that Tom Bishop person posted in this thread...
and i think it was indicative of many answers i am searching for

dream
implying all sorts of things
as if... *shivering*

hiding behind the name/computer~
if it were true
i replied i would believe/accept
if i knew

 

[ethereal~minx]

emails in the morning
emails at night
*do others respond
..care if she's alive*

i gotta go

 

[ethereal~minx]

my god so many thoughts
i should be doing this
and i cannot
question this question that
not about this
a response i got

my thoughts don't stop
twisted and tangled
my house
her
this competition
him
these questions
not about this
-----screaming----
:::::::::::::running away:::::::::::::::
running nowhere
:::::::::::::::::::::: silent :::::::::::::::::::::::