Unrequited Lust!

[Chimney Sweep]

Unrequited Lust! - Now with a link!

I finally polished off another story. I don't know why I have such a terrible time finishing these things. I have 3 or 4 that only need a little more work but it's like pulling teeth to finish them sometimes.

It's been soooooooo long since I had any feedback -I'm beggin you, pleading with you! I'm down on my knees....wiataminute, that's probably a bad way to go with this group......

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you might have on my newest story, "Sometimes you have to wait for it."

Sometimes you have to wait for it

Thanks!

CS

 

[kbate]

Para 1 - minor punctuation problems, use a semi-colon or a comma to separate the independent clauses rather than beginning a sentence with a conjunction.

para 2 - Not sure the bit about "beginning a new school" helps the paragraph, I would leave that out and squeeze the rest a bit.

para 3 - One spanking for the 36DD business.

para 4 - Just to nitpick, the relationship should come before the breakup. Almost 2 more years, drop "more", redundant.

para 5.- not her type (semi-colon) I was too buttoned...

para 6 - Second spanking for use of the word burgeoning.

para 7 - different word choices would help.. her breaks occurred while I had to attend classes... (or some such)

para 8 - Without fake IDs or connections to frat houses.....

The dialogue during her review of the porn is good.

Their encounter is good, no physical impossibilities, no overdone description.


Typo at end of first paragrapn on page 2. (bit it did no good).

---------

Overall, quite a good story. I enjoyed the sassy play between the two characters. I think you could rewrite the first part of the story and make it much better. The first few paragraphs were much weaker than the last 2 thirds of the story, the attitudes of the characters did not develop at all until the dialogue started, you only gave a tiny taste of his mind in para 3 and nothing about her at all. I would like to see it with a stronger opening.

Gave you a 5 anyway, although "burgeoning" nearly dropped you to a 3. *smile*

 

[Chimney Sweep]

"Post the link," the bitch said petulantly, "I am too lazy to search for myself."

"No," replied the writer.

"Very well," she said, "I shall not read your story."

*smile*


(to be edited when the link appears)

Sorry, should have specified. I have a link to all my stories at the bottom of each post - "Chimney's Sweepings." It's the one with the pretty yellow "N" next to it.

 

[Unsung Muse]

I finally polished off another story... It's been soooooooo long since I had any feedback -I'm beggin you, pleading with you! I'm down on my knees....wiataminute, that's probably a bad way to go with this group......I would greatly appreciate any feedback you might have on my newest story...

Sometimes you have to wait for it
Thanks! CS

Good to see you! Nice job!

 

[PacifistKitty]

Hey

I like your story alot i wish i could get more feedback for my two stories just go to my thing were you can post comments or whatever and i am number 10 and 11 on the post board..

Thanx

 

[daylady]

Thesis editor

I'm new here, but I'm wondering if I might find an editor for a thesis...please email me privately if possible. Thanks.

 

[Unsung Muse]

I'm new here, but I'm wondering if I might find an editor for a thesis...please email me privately if possible. Thanks.

Hi,
I'd recommend you post in here =
Editors Forum

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Good to see you! Nice job!

Thanks, Muse! You are a schweety!

And thanks to kbate for the in-depth analysis. I beg forgiveness for "burgeoning." I just love to burgeon, though.....it's a sickness.

This story sat on the shelf for over a year just as the good stuff started. That may be a reason for some choppiness at the beginning. Silvia is a real person and this scene almost atually happened - if she read the story, she would recognize the event - so it took me a while to decide to let it go public. She probably doesnt read smut, so I should be safe.

Thanks to all for your advice/response/critique!

 

[australwind]

Thanks, Muse! You are a schweety!

And thanks to kbate for the in-depth analysis. I beg forgiveness for "burgeoning." I just love to burgeon, though.....it's a sickness.

This story sat on the shelf for over a year just as the good stuff started. That may be a reason for some choppiness at the beginning. Silvia is a real person and this scene almost atually happened - if she read the story, she would recognize the event - so it took me a while to decide to let it go public. She probably doesnt read smut, so I should be safe.

Thanks to all for your advice/response/critique!

I have a similar quandry over a story I want post...based on a real event and real people.......I know one of my protagonists does read smut....

Will I tell him first? At this stage I don't know; but I have ensured I have artfully disguised my characters.

One on other occasion when I have posted a story containing real events and real people, both parties were fully apprised....and he was delighted!

I guess I'm not likely to receive a lawsuit for defamation from that one .... but it raises an ethical question, doesn't it?

Now I'm off to read your offerings.......

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sweep,

As vignettes go, "Sometimes you have to wait for it" is better than most. I enjoyed the interaction after the characters met but before that I almost gave up reading it.

Sometimes you have to wait for it. The urgency of a youthful crush can make time stand still and the slow death of those powerful yearnings can be extremely painful. But sometimes, if you are lucky, time gives you a second chance. I seem to have a recurring theme in my life where platonic or unrequited relationships from my past return at unexpected times and in very non-platonic ways. The first time this happened was one of the best and still one of my most satisfying encounters.

The opening lacks action and doesn't provide much in the way of information. Who hasn't had a crush that lingers? What does the recurring theme in the narrator's life matter, especially since this is the first recurrence? In short, what does this first paragraph tell me? For the most part, it tells me the characters will have sex. Not that I didn't expect that anyway, but still, wouldn't it have been better to leave me with that one tenth of one percent chance that the couple wouldn't get together?

I fell deeply in lust with Silvia the moment I saw her in high school. I did a serious double take when I saw her the first day of school. I was starting a new school at the beginning of 10th grade and her locker was in the next bank over from mine.

With three consecutive sentences containing 'school' and two in a row with 'saw', this paragraph is something of a clunker- especially considering how smooth most of the story is.

I have since learned that they are 36 double-D cups, but on a 95-pound woman who is just under 5 feet tall they look huge.

The cup size thing is a major turnoff on its own, but especially so when the cup size and stature combination defies belief. I'd find it less offensive, and far more credible, if the narrator just said something vague like, "I've always loved large breasts and no pair ever looked better than hers, especially when combined with her petite frame."

Normally, I'd have quite reading the story right there, but I'm glad I didn't because the scene clicks as soon as the characters get together.

In time the crush died...

I beg to differ.

"Shame about the dick."

"That's the last time you'll say those words tonight."

"I doubt it."

The banter between the characters carries this scene. Don't take this short comment to be me looking for something nice to say. I'm not. This is really well done.

We had been fucking for nearly an hour!

The way I read the scene, it was more like fifteen minutes. With the rest of the action described so well, this minor discrepancy jarred me right out of the moment.

Even so, it's a pretty good moment. The characters continuing to exchange barbs during sex adds that little special ingredient that raises this scene above the ordinary.

Considering how well the character interaction works, my intuition is you'd have been better served to have skipped the history lesson opening and just started with the couple meeting again. They could have flirted, joked, and in the process covered anything important from their past. Have a look and see how much they cover again anyway. With a longer lead-in I might have learned the one thing I really wanted to know: why she's changed her mind about him, aside from it's a sex story and it doesn't work otherwise.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Chimney Sweep]

In reply to Penny -

Firstly - thanks very much for your comments! I know that took you some time and I appreciate your efforts.

Secondly - I cand believe I did that "school/saw' thing. That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves! I'll flog myself mercilessly about that. I guess that happens when you keep coming back to it and tweeking, then not re-reading with a clear head.

Thirdly - I wrote the beginning over a year ago, long before I discovered the tabboo nature of measurements. I did put that there for a reason - some guys read "great big tits" and start thinking of these enormous distended inflate-a-boobs. I guess I just need to find a better way to broach the subject. Oh - and it's accurate. She is one of my oldest and best friends and it's probably best that we didn't do the nasty, but she is 4' 11" and her breasts are 36DD. I kid you not. Well, in her mid 20's thery were. Now at 35 I'll bet time and gravity are having their way with her.

Fourthly - Thanks foo the comment about the banter. If I had to crow about myself I think I would put my dialogue at the top of the "things I think I'm good at" list.

Fifthly - I did miss the "why now?" connection, didn't I? it was only the defining thread of the story.....doh!

Finally - I had to push this one out a little. Some of my stories flow right out and are easy to complete but most of them bog down at some point and I have to grunt them out by force of will in the end. I need to learn to sit on them for a little while before I post them so I can review them with a more objective mind.

Thanks again for your input! This is enormously helpful.