NoJo
Happily Marred
- Joined
- May 19, 2002
- Posts
- 15,398
I started this Seinfeld spoof story ages ago, and then left it. Is it worth continuing?
Unplugged and Unfunny
The following is an unexpurgated transcript of Joey Scheissfeld’s stint at the famous ‘Unplugged’ club in beautiful Shadyside, Pittsburgh. Here’s a chance to witness his dry, subtle observational humor as though you yourself were among the glittering audience of losers, sitting in the plush red imitation leather upholstery, munching delicious sorensborgen and throwing bottles of finest imported beer in appreciation of this master of stand-up comedy.
Hey, didja ever notice how as kids we were so small, about yea high, but the older we got, the bigger we seemed to grow? I mean what’s with that?
<laughs, but nobody in audience does>
Hey, c’mon, my humor isn’t infantile. Anybody who thinks so is just a poopy-pants.
<audience still silent, almost tumbleweed-level>
No but seriously people, I was on the “Internet” the other day, reading “Email.” Oh yeah… Email. It’s the new thing. I’m there. Oh yeah. <does jive movement > Know what I mean?
So I’m on the “Internet” round at my parents’, trying to get them online. Now my parents, no matter what I do, they think of me as their dumb kid who flunked college and couldn’t swim ‘til he was twenty-five. No matter that I get a million bucks an episode for my Emmy-winning show. I’m still never gonna make it as a Bathroom accessory salesman, so I’m no good. So they’re standing behind me at the computer making comments about how my cousin Albie makes over a hundred grand a year as a software whizzkid.
I get angry, and I decide to SHOW them what a big-shot they have for a son and
I type in my own name into the search engine.. And sure enough, a shit-load of links come up. Now my Pop, he sees the list, and brings his spectacles down from his forehead, and he starts to read the links. Now the first two are those same two links that no matter WHAT you’re searching for, they always come out on top of the list:
One is “CLICK HERE FOR HOT GIRLS LICKING MEN’S JOEY SCHEISSFELD”, and the other is “CUM-SHOTS OF ASIAN WOMEN BLOWING OFF BIG JOEY SCHEISSFELD ASSES”.
Pop looks at me, horrified. I try to explain to him that If I’d stuck in ANYTHING, say “Potato salad”, those same links would be there, right at the top, but they’d say “CLICK HERE FOR HOT GIRLS LICKING MEN’S POTATO SALAD”, etcetera.
But all this is lost on Pop, who goes into a rant:
“Hey, Joey, is that YOU? Are you so broke? You need to make PORNOGRAPHY now? What, you didn’t invest? I told you, Joey, a job is dreck. Bricks and mortar, Joey. Put your money in Bricks and Mortar. People always need a house.” He turns to my Mom. “See what happens Lucille, when you don’t invest? You end up dealing in PORNOGRAPHY!”
Then, he grabs the mouse to click the link. Luckily he has no idea what he’s doing, and waves the mouse around in the air like a flashlight, wondering why nothing’s happening. But Mom, who’s a little younger, snatches it off him and clicks the damn link.
Unplugged and Unfunny
The following is an unexpurgated transcript of Joey Scheissfeld’s stint at the famous ‘Unplugged’ club in beautiful Shadyside, Pittsburgh. Here’s a chance to witness his dry, subtle observational humor as though you yourself were among the glittering audience of losers, sitting in the plush red imitation leather upholstery, munching delicious sorensborgen and throwing bottles of finest imported beer in appreciation of this master of stand-up comedy.
Hey, didja ever notice how as kids we were so small, about yea high, but the older we got, the bigger we seemed to grow? I mean what’s with that?
<laughs, but nobody in audience does>
Hey, c’mon, my humor isn’t infantile. Anybody who thinks so is just a poopy-pants.
<audience still silent, almost tumbleweed-level>
No but seriously people, I was on the “Internet” the other day, reading “Email.” Oh yeah… Email. It’s the new thing. I’m there. Oh yeah. <does jive movement > Know what I mean?
So I’m on the “Internet” round at my parents’, trying to get them online. Now my parents, no matter what I do, they think of me as their dumb kid who flunked college and couldn’t swim ‘til he was twenty-five. No matter that I get a million bucks an episode for my Emmy-winning show. I’m still never gonna make it as a Bathroom accessory salesman, so I’m no good. So they’re standing behind me at the computer making comments about how my cousin Albie makes over a hundred grand a year as a software whizzkid.
I get angry, and I decide to SHOW them what a big-shot they have for a son and
I type in my own name into the search engine.. And sure enough, a shit-load of links come up. Now my Pop, he sees the list, and brings his spectacles down from his forehead, and he starts to read the links. Now the first two are those same two links that no matter WHAT you’re searching for, they always come out on top of the list:
One is “CLICK HERE FOR HOT GIRLS LICKING MEN’S JOEY SCHEISSFELD”, and the other is “CUM-SHOTS OF ASIAN WOMEN BLOWING OFF BIG JOEY SCHEISSFELD ASSES”.
Pop looks at me, horrified. I try to explain to him that If I’d stuck in ANYTHING, say “Potato salad”, those same links would be there, right at the top, but they’d say “CLICK HERE FOR HOT GIRLS LICKING MEN’S POTATO SALAD”, etcetera.
But all this is lost on Pop, who goes into a rant:
“Hey, Joey, is that YOU? Are you so broke? You need to make PORNOGRAPHY now? What, you didn’t invest? I told you, Joey, a job is dreck. Bricks and mortar, Joey. Put your money in Bricks and Mortar. People always need a house.” He turns to my Mom. “See what happens Lucille, when you don’t invest? You end up dealing in PORNOGRAPHY!”
Then, he grabs the mouse to click the link. Luckily he has no idea what he’s doing, and waves the mouse around in the air like a flashlight, wondering why nothing’s happening. But Mom, who’s a little younger, snatches it off him and clicks the damn link.
