unfinished story (please reply with feedback)

[romanticTurtle]

here it is, please note i do realise some bits i say "you" then others i say "her"...bear with that..


"I sit next to you on the couch, shes wearing a nice blue skirt, a red t-shirt, and a bra underneath, She smiles at me, and I smile back, I go to hold her hand, she smile and turn away shyly, I run my fingers over her hand holding it, enjoying the touch of her soft skin, I smile at her and whisper “your so beautiful to me you know that” she giggle softly and deny it but I said its true.
I lift her hand up and kiss it, smiling at her, she blushes and smiles back, her face lighting up, so beautiful I cant help looking into her beautiful eyes.
I run my fingers up your hand, running them so gently over your silky tanned skin admiring your beauty, my hands sliding up your elbow, up to your shoulder, rubbing around your shoulder, my eyes never leaving yours. You smile, turning your head kissing my hand as I corress your shoulder softly, I slide off your shoulder strap leaning in, kissing your shoulder softly. My hands slowly sliding back down your arm, and around your waist, you enjoy it letting out sweet soft little moans, you stop me from going further, I look at you in surprise as you smile and stretch your arms up, sliding your t-shirt off and place it on the lounge arm,
She soflty smiles taking my arm and placing them around her waist, the touch of my hands on her warm skin made her jump a little bit, but she got used to the feel, and leaned in close to me as I kissed her shoulders, slowly moving my lips up to your neck, kissing her softly, the soft moans made me continue, further, till I got to her beautiful soft ruby coloured lips, I kissed her softly, she returned the kiss, her hands sliding up my chest, rubbing me her hands so smooth on my hot body
Her fingers crawled up my chest, she loved the feel of my firm stomach, she kisses my neck and whispers softly ‘lie down’ I smile and do as she says lying my back onto the couch.
Shes grins mischeiviously, ideas running through her mind. She sits up looking at me, teasing me in a way, making me lie down and just looking at me with her beautiful eyes, I began to want her more and more, the anticipating running through my body, fueling my desire for her.
She finally takes off my pants..i lie there with my boxers on, she could tell I was already at my peak but she wanted to tease me some more, her fingers tip toed over my legs..it tickled and at the same time turned me on, her smile, beaming she enjoyed this, I laid back and hoped she would get to her present soon, she reached my thighs and began kissing them, her tender kisses were so succulent on my thighs, I told her she was so good, that I just wanted her now, but she didn’t want to give in to me this quickly. She kissed up and up my thighs, I became increasingly excited, she managed to turn me on more and more. Her fingers followed her kisses, the sensation rippled through my body like a wave. Just as she reached my boxers, she slide past them and laid on top of me, she looked into my eyes and whispers ‘do you want me to make you happy?” I simply nodded as I was too overwhelmed with an indescribable feelings to answer her. She’d smiled and simply said ‘could you make me happy first, then I will repay you more then you can dream of’
I understood her and smiled at her, I kissed her soft lips again and let her down on the couch…I starts to kiss her neck softly..running my fingers over her shoulders and neck, she closed her eyes and smiled, she was in a trance of bliss, I smiled looking at her and kissed her collarbone, as my hands slowly run down her left arm with my fingers, she let out a soft little moan.
i slowly move myself down her sweet stunning body, as I start to kiss her breasts, her breasts were firm, supple and amazing, I ran my fingers down to her stomach drawing little circles around her bellybutton with my fingers as I kiss her nipple, gently nibble on it, swirling the tip of my tongue around it
She let out a soft moan of ‘oh yes’ this encouraged me to continue, I do the same to her other nipple, kissing it, nibbling it softly, making it nice and erect. It was as if she was in a dream with her eyes closed, softly moaning, she seemed so innocent and beautiful. I ran my fingers up and down her stomach, massaging her, kissing down her stomach. I reach her panties by now her moans have become increasingly louder, her head rocking side to side. I smile and blow softly over her panties, this felt good as her waist thrusts upwards, her head rock back and she moans loudly, I brush my fingertips ever so gently over her panties, the sensation gushes through her body. I begin to run my hands up and down her thighs massaging her over, while gently blowing and kissing her sensitive area, I kiss her thighs, but she wants me to kiss her panties again, I tease her and kiss her thighs some more, I decide to really make her happy, so I lift her up and slide off her panties trying not to give her too much pleasure by touching her now moist vagina. Now with her naked, I admire her beautiful body, she writhes in agony wanting more, I blow over her now exposed vagina, her moan startles me, but I keep blowing, I kiss her clit, and blow it dry, the sensation was almost too much for her to handle.

I get up and move into the kitchen, she got up and looked at me in disbelief and couldn’t believe I left her, but I came back with an ice tray full of ice, her frown turned into a grin as she laid back down. I lay between her thighs, running an ice cube up her thighs, the coldness reacted with her warm body, she shakes as the sensation reached her nerves. I run the edge of the ice, up her stomach, swirling it around her belly button, then lightly breathing over the trail, kissing it. Her moans make me want to do more, so I slowly run the ice down her stomach, to her now hard clit, I make little circles around her clit with the ice. As the ice melts over her clit, I breath some air over it, the hot against cold drives her wild as I start to kiss her clit, and lick it with my warm tongue. I take the ice cube and slowly suck on it a bit, getting my tongue and mouth nice and cold, then I slowly slide my tongue over her pussy slowly, using my ice cold tongue to massager her warm wet sides so slowly letting the cold water slide off my tongue onto her.

She starts to thrust her waist up, moaning my name softly, she says to me “please just stick it in my I need you so bad, you’ve made me happy ” I smile, and stop what im doing, I get up and she sits up on the couch, she pats the couch, motioning for me to sit down, I do so, spreading my legs, I still have my boxers on but she unbuttons them and lets out my 17 cms erect cock out, she admires it and says ‘hmmm’ at it with a grin, certainly pleased with size. She starts to gently stroke my shaft as I lean back and enjoy the experience, she just uses her fingers which feel even better, she softly kissing my inner thighs gently rubbing my hard cock slowly, kissing my stomach, going a bit faster, her beautiful eyes looking right into mine, I softly moan enjoying the experience, she licks her soft red lips and smiles at me, she opens wide and licks the tip of my hard cock slowly, savouring the taste, her supple tongue sliding down the head of my throbbing cock down its long shaft, gradually making her way to my balls, her tender fingers massagin up and down my thighs, the way I did to her, her fingers lightly touching my balls, as her tongue makes her way back up to my tip, making sure she licks every part of my throbbing shaft, she reaches my tip which is now seeping with pre-cum, she grins little a happy little girl as she slides my hard cock in her wet suculant mouth, the sensation is unbelievable as I let out a moan of happiness "

 

[janiexx]

sweet, but...

Hello romantic turtle,

I thought your story was a sweet fantasy but I found it very difficult to read. The paragraphs were too long and to me it was just a huge block of writing which put me off.

The constant change of she and you and the change in tenses made it difficult to read and didn't help with the flow.

You could also do with a little help with the dialogue.

Having said that I loved your descriptions and it has the makings of a good erotic story.

Is there any background you can include? Why they are both there, is this their first time together, what happens next?

Good luck
janiexx

 

[janiexx]

I hope you don't mind, but...

I've reworked your story a little as I think you have a good beginning here.

Here it is:

I sit next to her on the couch and notice she's wearing a pretty blue skirt and a red t-shirt. I can see the outline of her bra underneath, She smiles at me and I smile back. I go to hold her hand and she turns away shyly. I run my fingers over her hand, holding it, enjoying the touch of her soft skin. I look at her and whisper,“You're so beautiful to me. You know that?”

She giggles softly and denies it but I insist it's true.

I lift her hand up and kiss it. She blushes and smiles back, her face lighting up. She's so beautiful, I can't help looking into her gorgeous eyes. I run my fingers up her hand, running them gently over her silky tanned skin admiring her beauty. My hands slide up to her elbow and along to her shoulders where they caress her skin, my eyes never leaving hers. She turns her head and kisses my hand as I continue to stroke her. I slide the strap of her tee-shirt off and lean in, kissing her shoulder softly. My hands slide slowly back down her arm and around her waist. She shows her enjoyement with sweet, soft little moans, but stops me from going further. I look at her in surprise as she smiles and stretches her arms up, sliding off her t-shirt and placing it on the lounge arm.

She takes my arm and places it around her waist, the touch of my hands on her warm skin making her jump. But she gets used to the feel and leans in close to me as I touch her shoulders with my lips, slowly moving up to her neck, kissing her tenderly. Her soft moans make me continue further until I get to her beautiful soft ruby coloured lips. I kiss her and she returns my embrace, her hands sliding up my chest and rubbing my hot body.

Her fingers move slowly up to my chest fondling my firm stomach on the way while she kisses my neck. She whispers and asks me to lie down and I do as she says, relaxing back on the couch. She grins mischeiviously and I can almost see the ideas running through her mind. She sits up and looks at me, teasing me almost, making me lie down and just looking at me with her beautiful eyes. I begin to want her more and more, the anticipation running through my body and fueling my desire for her.

She finally takes off my pants. I lie there in just my boxers and she can tell I'm already at my peak but she wants to tease me some more, her fingers tip-toeing over my legs. Although it tickles, it turns me on at the same time, her beaming face showing her own enjoyment. I lie back and hope she gets her present soon. By now she has reached my thighs and she begins to kiss them, her tender lips feeling succulent on my exposed skin. I tell her how good she is, that I want her now, but she doesn't want to give in to me this quickly. She carries on kissing along my thighs, her lips moving higher and higher. I become increasingly excited at how she manages to keep turning me on. Her fingers follow her kisses and the sensation ripples through my body like a wave. Just as she reaches my boxers, she slides past them and lies on top of me, looking into my eyes and whispering, "Do you want me to make you happy?”

I nod as I am too overwhelmed with indescribable feelings to answer her. She smiles and asks, "Could you make me happy first? I'll repay you more then you can imagine..."

I understand what she is saying and smile. I kiss her soft lips again and let her down on the couch. I start to kiss her neck, running my fingers over her shoulders and she closes her eyes, her face a picture of bliss. I kiss her collarbone as my hands slowly run down her left arm and she lets out a soft little moan.

I slowly move down her sweet, stunning body. As I start to kiss her firm and supple breasts my fingers draw little circles around her bellybutton.I kiss one of her nipples then gently nibble on it, swirling the tip of my tongue around her aroused peak.

She lets out a soft moan which encourages me to continue. I do the same to her other nipple, kissing it, nibbling it tenderly, making it nice and erect. With her eyes closed she seems to be in a dream and she looks so innocent and beautiful. I run my fingers up and down her stomach, massaging her skin, my lips trailing over her tummy

I reach her panties and by now her moans have become increasingly louder, her head rocking side to side. I smile and blow softly over her panties. This must feel good as her body thrusts upwards while her head rocks back and she moans loudly. I brush my fingertips over her panties and imagine the sensations gushing through her body. I begin to run my hands up and down her thighs massaging them while gently blowing and kissing her sensitive area, I continue to kiss her thighs, but she wants me to kiss her panties again, I tease her and kiss her thighs some more. I decide to really make her happy, so I lift her up and slide her panties off trying not to give her too much pleasure by touching her moist vagina. Now, with her naked, I admire her beautiful body and she writhes in agony wanting more. My breath caresses her exposed vagina and her moan startles me, but I keep blowing. I kiss her clit and blow it dry, and it seems the sensation is almost too much for her to handle.

I get up and make my way into the kitchen. She gets up and looks at me in confusion as if she can't believe I have left her. But I came back with a full ice tray and her frown turns to a grin as she relaxes back down. I lie between her thighs and run an ice cube along them, the coldness reacting with her warm body and making her shake as the sensation reaches her nerves. I run the edge of the ice up her stomach, swirling it around her belly button, then lightly breathing over the trail and kissing the wet river. Her moans make me want to do more so I slowly run the ice down her stomach to her hard clit and then make little circles around her bud. As the ice melts over her clit, I breathe some air over it, her warmth against the cold drives her wild. I start to kiss her clit and lap at it with my warm tongue. I take the ice cube and slowly suck, making my mouth cold and then I slide my tongue over her pussy, massaging her warm, wet folds and letting the cold water slide onto her skin.

She starts to thrust her body up, moaning my name softly. "Please, I need you so badly. This feels wonderful." I smile but stop what I'm doing and raise myself up as she sits and pats the couch, inviting me to sit down. I obey and spread my legs. I'm still wearing my boxers but she unbuttons them and frees my hard cock, admiring its size and length. She grins, obviously impressed with my erection. She starts to gently stroke my shaft as I lean back and enjoy the experience. She just uses her fingers which feels fantastic, softly kissing my inner thighs and gently rubbing my cock with slow movements.

Now she is kissing my stomach and moving a little faster, her beautiful eyes looking right into mine. I moan, enjoying this experience, and she licks her soft red lips and smiles at me before opening her mouth wide and taking the tip of my hard cock inside and savouring the taste. Her supple tongue slides down the head of my throbbing cock and along its long shaft, gradually making its way to my balls, her tender fingers massaging my thighs in the same way I did to her. Her fingers start to lightly touch my balls as her tongue moves back up to my tip and she makes sure she licks every part of my throbbing shaft. She reaches my tip which is now wet with pre-cum and grins like a happy little girl as she slides my hard cock into her wet succulent mouth. The sensation is unbelievable and I let out a moan of happiness.


I hope you liked it and continue with the story.

janiexx

 

[Kev H]

janiexx did an admirable job with your beginning. While I am no grammar nazi, I strongly feel that writing bad erotica is even worse than being an inconsiderate lover (for it offends on several levels). If you do not love the language enough to dedicate yourself to learning its basic rules, then I'd respectfully submit that you are on the wrong website.

I know it is anything but sexy, but some serious groundwork (homework and practice) is necessary before you develop a fan base to hang on your every word. Try reading some of the helpful articles from other writers. A good example of where to start: http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/stories/guide.shtml

As for the more advanced concepts that seperate "just another smut piece" from a "holy shit that's great," you will need to spend alot of time figuring out what works for you as well as your audience, for they mostly deal in style and other communication techniques. For example, being creative and clever are important ways to grab a reader's attention. (In a perfect world, there would be some catch-all way to seperate the great storylines from the quick whackjobs.)

Welcome to the "glamorous" world of writing erotica. *smirks*

 

[janiexx]

Thanks Kev H!

Hello!

I now have the greatest admiration for the volunteer editors on Literotica who give up their time to edit stories.

I hope Romantic Turtle didn't mind me editing his work a little and I did enjoy doing it but it was hard work!

But I have to agree, erotic fiction is just as important as any other work of fiction and I think a well-written story shows respect for the reader.

janiexx

 

[romanticTurtle]

i dont mind at all, actually thankyou i appreciate it alot. yes i know i am very bad at grammer and puncuation, i did advanced english but im still pretty bad at it..go figure. thanks though

 

[janiexx]

You're Welcome

I enjoyed it.

janiexx

 

[melbournewoman]

Actually I liked the way you wrote the original story. It showed tenderness and your style betrays your youth and inexperience in writing and I find this sexy. I tended to look past the writing itself to the story you were trying to convey and I liked it, well done. Don't stop writing.