unfinished dream

[dreamangel_4980]

this is a poem i wrote this morning about a dream i had
and didnt finish last nite..would appreciate any and all feedback
Unfinished Dream
I scream out your name
I'm wanting you near
Driving me insane
Oh why can't you hear?
Needing to touch you
Longing to hold
Without your warm whispers
My body grows cold
Our bodies reacting ..
Our movements become fluid
Your eyes are on fire
I am burning with desire
My tongue has found you
My lips welcome you
I lick my lips to give them moisture
Your tip I take in...the heat..
oh the heat..
I feel the beat
the beat of passion between us
My mouth engulfs you
My tongue entrances you
Movements so deliberate
Tongue flickering softly
Your leg muscles tighten
Your hands on my back..
rubbing me softly
moaning increases..
I awaken




well there ya go folks..a newbies 2nd attempt at some erotica ..please
give feedback..i need it and i DO appreciate it.....Angel

 

[SA Storm]

Nice effort

There is a lot wrong with this poem and some nice things also. Since it is your second poem I do not know what to say. There are many mistakes you need to make over and over to improve. Save every one of your poems. The first thing I would work on is a device or two. Learn and practice them try metaphor and simile first. (Okay one of you teacher poets need to step in) I would also suggest using stanzas in your poetry.

Good luck and keep at it.

S.A.

 

[Senna Jawa]

This is no poem. But as rock'n'roll lyrics it can work well. Just forget the title (have another one, like "baby, oooh!" , and
remove the last line.

Regards,

 

[dreamangel_4980]

thank you S A and Senna for your comments..i agree about the use of simile and metaphor thank-you dont think it's too terribly awful for only my 2nd attempt.{wink}..as for rock n roll lyrics?/ i think tthat's stretching it a bit...
I love to sing rock n roll i dont know about writing lyrics ..he he wouldnt mind dreaming about doing a rock guy..yeah that would incorporate both now wouldn't it?/ ....Angel

 

[Sweetwood]

rythms

You should read this poem aloud to yourself.

Some of the images you have used are colorful and rouse the emotion of the reader. I find however, that the rythm of the lines when read out aloud is fragmented, it does not flow. Now, maybe I haven't read it right.

As an example:

"I scream out your name
I'm wanting you near
Driving me insane
Oh why can't you hear?
Needing to touch you
Longing to hold
Without your warm whispers
My body grows cold "

I would edit as follows:

I scream out your name
Wanting you near
You drive me insane
Oh, why can't you hear?

In need of your touch
I long to hold
Without your warm whispers
My body grows cold!

I do not think the last line should be left out. In fact it is the clincher, in that it draws the reader strongly back from the edge, and imparts a sense of sadness, that sets the counterpoint, now resigned, to the violent emotional theme at the beginning of the poem. I believe you should work this piece over. It is a wonderful effort.

Sweetwood