Understanding & Coping

[Lightning]

As a shout out to Harrowborg, this is NOT a thread on <insert explicit sexual act>, and I'm wondering if I'm <insert sexual preference>?

In fact, I'm just trying to come to grips with some of my own mental challenges, and I'm honestly interested in feedback. The deal is as follows:

I enjoy wearing women's underwear (see Harrowborg's thread), and I'm bi-curious, although I haven't been with a man yet. My wife enjoys the fantasy nature of all of this, and fully supports my clothing preferences. My quandary is based on how I identify myself. Not merely as a label though.

I find that I enjoy being the "man" of the house, and being a strong & supportive partner for my wife. At the same time, I crave the submissive part of me that wants to be "guided" as it were, in sexual experience, and part of why I like to feel "pretty" in panties.

The part that I've had a hard time dealing with is how these two personalities can co-exist. How can I feel like the man, yet still submit to the feminine side without feeling like a sissy, etc.?

I'm not sure if this making a load of sense or not, but I just know that's it's something that I struggle with on a regular basis, and outside of counseling that I'd like to get (and pursuing to help with LOADS of parental divorce issues), I'd like to try & come to grips with it.

Granted, I understand that it's only advice I'll be receiving & that it's up to me to deal with the realities of it, but I thought there might be some here that have actually gone through something similar to this. At the same time, if I'm just starting another boring thread, please feel free to verbally flog me.

Awaiting your verdict or advice.

Kindly,
–Lightning.

 

[sxylegs]

As a shout out to Harrowborg, this is NOT a thread on <insert explicit sexual act>, and I'm wondering if I'm <insert sexual preference>?

In fact, I'm just trying to come to grips with some of my own mental challenges, and I'm honestly interested in feedback. The deal is as follows:

I enjoy wearing women's underwear (see Harrowborg's thread), and I'm bi-curious, although I haven't been with a man yet. My wife enjoys the fantasy nature of all of this, and fully supports my clothing preferences. My quandary is based on how I identify myself. Not merely as a label though.

I find that I enjoy being the "man" of the house, and being a strong & supportive partner for my wife. At the same time, I crave the submissive part of me that wants to be "guided" as it were, in sexual experience, and part of why I like to feel "pretty" in panties.

The part that I've had a hard time dealing with is how these two personalities can co-exist. How can I feel like the man, yet still submit to the feminine side without feeling like a sissy, etc.?

I'm not sure if this making a load of sense or not, but I just know that's it's something that I struggle with on a regular basis, and outside of counseling that I'd like to get (and pursuing to help with LOADS of parental divorce issues), I'd like to try & come to grips with it.

Granted, I understand that it's only advice I'll be receiving & that it's up to me to deal with the realities of it, but I thought there might be some here that have actually gone through something similar to this. At the same time, if I'm just starting another boring thread, please feel free to verbally flog me.

Awaiting your verdict or advice.

Kindly,
–Lightning.

Hi...
I have a friend that is a dominatrix.....and you sound like a lot of the guys that she has appointments with. If you have ever watched the comedy movie with Dana Delany and Rosie O'donnel....I think it was Exit to Eden...it showed a guy that wore womans undies and liked to be extremely submissive and he was a CEO for a very large company......My friend says that she doesnt get very many guys that are just regular guys.....most are powerful and important....and love being flogged or doing things where they dont have to make any decisions.......I think it is a natural thing with some guys....Maybe you need to try being tied up or go to a Dom and see what she has in store for you or have your wife read about it or take classes......I think it is fantastic....you have to really trust your partner.......And you can get as mild or ask kinky as you want.....

good luck

 

[Lightning]

Re: Re: Understanding & Coping

Hi...
I have a friend that is a dominatrix.....and you sound like a lot of the guys that she has appointments with. If you have ever watched the comedy movie with Dana Delany and Rosie O'donnel....I think it was Exit to Eden...it showed a guy that wore womans undies and liked to be extremely submissive and he was a CEO for a very large company......My friend says that she doesnt get very many guys that are just regular guys.....most are powerful and important....and love being flogged or doing things where they dont have to make any decisions.......I think it is a natural thing with some guys....Maybe you need to try being tied up or go to a Dom and see what she has in store for you or have your wife read about it or take classes......I think it is fantastic....you have to really trust your partner.......And you can get as mild or ask kinky as you want.....

good luck

Thank you for your response. And I have considered the Dom route. And would like to look into that at some point. I guess, I'm more interested in mentally dealing with some of these conflicting emotions. I'm by no means, incapicitated due to them, but I find their different sensibilities warring with one another occasionally. And maybe it's just because we all grow up with "concepts" of how boys/men should act versus women. I don't know.

I appreciate you responding though.

 

[deezire1900]

The mental route can be very difficult. Can you try and find some help in your area. You wife sounds very supportive, maybe she is just as lost, and doesn't know what to do to help you, and would also like to find help. The hardest part is finding someone who actualy understands, or is trained to understand. Try you closest GLBT center for a referral. My thought are with you.

 

[Lightning]

The mental route can be very difficult. Can you try and find some help in your area. You wife sounds very supportive, maybe she is just as lost, and doesn't know what to do to help you, and would also like to find help. The hardest part is finding someone who actualy understands, or is trained to understand. Try you closest GLBT center for a referral. My thought are with you.

Some very good points, Deezire. Thank you. I know that I'll work through it just fine, especially with such an understanding mate. She really is incredible.

I was hoping that more on here might share common experiences similar to this as well, but I'm guessing that many are already very comfortable with themselves & who they are. That's great, and makes this place even more special due to that.

Thank you again!

 

[sxylegs]

Some very good points, Deezire. Thank you. I know that I'll work through it just fine, especially with such an understanding mate. She really is incredible.

I was hoping that more on here might share common experiences similar to this as well, but I'm guessing that many are already very comfortable with themselves & who they are. That's great, and makes this place even more special due to that.

Thank you again!

you might not be in the right area or maybe change the title,,,,,you would be surprised how may people just pass over the threads because they dont know what it is about......i had one that didnt do well the a few weeks later it was picked up and got very busy....

But lots of luck in whatever you do!!!!

 

[DirkPryde]

The part that I've had a hard time dealing with is how these two personalities can co-exist. How can I feel like the man, yet still submit to the feminine side without feeling like a sissy, etc.?

Feeling like a sissy ? sounds like social training has the better of you on that one. The only reason you equate feminine and sissy is because that's all you have been taught. If you can truley let go of that "training" then you would, hopefully feel as one.

I am a very sexually confident take charge kinda guy, when it comes to women, I like the idea of being guided too. And that's how I am with men. I want a guy that can guide me, teach me, to know what he wants etc.

I am getting to the point now where if my wife starts to take charge, I let her, it's such a turn on. There was a time where I could not for even 5 minutes, lay there and recieve someone's attentions ... I would have to be doing something. My wife has been teaching me to accept it and now I love it.

Anyway enough about me. I think acceptance of those two (seemingly) opposites is the first step to feeling in balance good luck with it Lightning

 

[tronada]

I don't think I can help much.........

... but I think it's commendable that you came on here seeking opinions/advice. Unfortunately, I don't have any to give. Not that's worth saying anyway, as I am kinda in a similar situation with my husband. Only, he refuses to even acknowledge anything or talk about it at all.
Might I ask, Lightning, without ruining your thread hopefully, a question or two? If so, please pm me. Thank you! I am only searching for help and understanding, not judging!


tronada

 

[John Doe]

I'm not sure if this will make sense or help...

But you might want to reconsider how you're approaching it. For one, you've said that you enjoy being the man of the house, but being more submissive sexually.

You feel this is a conflict, but maybe (part of) the reason that you're interested in exploring these new aspects of your sexuality is because it's a contrast? It's sort of a change of pace, something different from your day-to-day life. Maybe it serves a purpose similar to non-sexual recreation, as a diversion. And sex of any kind is a proven stress reliever.

 

[Lightning]

DirkPryde: Thank you. You had some great points in there, and that was the way that I was already leaning. I think if I can get rid of those perceived conceptions, I will get closer to realizing what I require. In fact, my wife has already helped that along. Once again, thank you for responding.

tronada: I've sent you a PM. You can ask anything you like, and I'll do my best to help. I'm not sure that I'll clarify anything, but I'll try.

Stuponfucious: Another excellent suggestion, and a great point regarding the sexual nature of it all. And in fact, I think that's why I enjoy it. I just find that I struggle with my inner-self on getting all the feelings to mesh. Right back to what DirkPryde was saying.

Thank you all. I really appreciate you taking the time to lend your views to me. It's what I was looking for. Take care!

 

[Etoile]

Following along with what DirkPryde and Stuponfucious have said, I'd like to point out that sexuality doesn't have to be black and white. There are gray areas for gender, orientation, and dom/sub. There's absolutely no reason you can't be both a masculine guy and a feminine sub. I think the important part is accepting for yourself (and not just believing us when we tell you) that it is okay to have that dichotomy.

 

[DirkPryde]

DirkPryde: Thank you. You had some great points in there, and that was the way that I was already leaning. I think if I can get rid of those perceived conceptions, I will get closer to realizing what I require. In fact, my wife has already helped that along. Once again, thank you for responding.

tronada: I've sent you a PM. You can ask anything you like, and I'll do my best to help. I'm not sure that I'll clarify anything, but I'll try.

Stuponfucious: Another excellent suggestion, and a great point regarding the sexual nature of it all. And in fact, I think that's why I enjoy it. I just find that I struggle with my inner-self on getting all the feelings to mesh. Right back to what DirkPryde was saying.

Thank you all. I really appreciate you taking the time to lend your views to me. It's what I was looking for. Take care!

Hey no problem. Etoile makes an excellent point about things not being black and white, people (as in humans) love this whole "us and them" polarity. I know of people that, sexually enjoy something yet because they enjoy it they shy away from it because it does not fit thier perceived idea on how they should behave / react or feel about it.

(did that make sense?) Anyway, we are complex beings capable of many thoughts and feelings that will change from day to day. And trying something different may be the best thing for you. I am glad your wife has helped you out. Does she know that she has ? if not I recommend telling her, my wife felt very happy, even proud perhaps, that she was able to have such an influence on me. Also she appreciated the trust I had given her in making myself vulnerable to her.

Good Luck.

 

[Lightning]

Following along with what DirkPryde and Stuponfucious have said, I'd like to point out that sexuality doesn't have to be black and white. There are gray areas for gender, orientation, and dom/sub. There's absolutely no reason you can't be both a masculine guy and a feminine sub. I think the important part is accepting for yourself (and not just believing us when we tell you) that it is okay to have that dichotomy.

And I totally agree with your statement. Just have had a hard time coming to terms with it on my own.

I know I'm not the first, and probably not the last. It just helps to have a healthy perspective on this from somewhere that I feel others understand. It's not like I can talk to anyone about these kind of feelings, and I appreciate the support that everyone gives each other here.

Thank you, Etoile. You're an inspiration on these boards, and I always enjoy your perspective on things.

 

[Lightning]

Hey no problem. Etoile makes an excellent point about things not being black and white, people (as in humans) love this whole "us and them" polarity. I know of people that, sexually enjoy something yet because they enjoy it they shy away from it because it does not fit thier perceived idea on how they should behave / react or feel about it.

(did that make sense?) Anyway, we are complex beings capable of many thoughts and feelings that will change from day to day. And trying something different may be the best thing for you. I am glad your wife has helped you out. Does she know that she has ? if not I recommend telling her, my wife felt very happy, even proud perhaps, that she was able to have such an influence on me. Also she appreciated the trust I had given her in making myself vulnerable to her.

Good Luck.

It made perfect sense. Thank you.

And yes, she knows that she's helped me, and in many ways, has helped to guide me in finding my own path in all of this. I'm truly blessed with her in my life.

 

[Etoile]

Thank you, Etoile. You're an inspiration on these boards, and I always enjoy your perspective on things.

Aw jeez, wow. Thank you!
http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/youloveme.gif

 

[CyberChatter]

Wow! That is so exactly the way I used to feel sometimes that I cannot believe it wasn't me that posted it. Just know that you aren't alone out there and not only do you have people here on Lit to talk to but you are lucky enough (like I was) to have an understanding, supportive, and willing wife to help you out.

I think that I eventually came to the point where I just realized what some others have said already: You can be both and the don't have to conflict. In my situation it was almost a clean split between "every day life" and "in the bedroom." In other words, I am totally a "man's man" but as soon as I get aroused, I am a totally "girlie man" and it has been great so far.

Good luck coming to terms with this in your own head and keep enjoying yourself.

 

[Lightning]

Etoile: You're welcome, and it's deserved. The time you put in here is always evident.

CyberChatter: Thank you for your input, and I appreciate you giving your insights.

To All: I think that I am starting to come to terms with it, and having posted it in writing here has helped me to start dealing with it mentally. I'm by no means "beyond it", but I've placed emphasis on it, and I'm coming to terms. And the greatest thing is that "yes", my wife has been very supportive & understanding.

Once again, thank you all for your insights & comments. We can now officially consider this thread closed... unless of course you still have comments to share.

Take care all, and see you on the boards!