Ultimatum

[Coyness]

This is long, I'm sorry. I just need some outside opinions on the situation.

Last fall I started dating this guy I met at school. We’ve had our ups and downs; he’s had a few tiffs with my friends while we all lived near each other. [* not too important, but if you want additional info, I'll post about this below] He’s extremely opinionated and my friends sometimes ask me how I could be with someone who is such an ass, but he treats me differently than everyone else. (I realize that sounds like I’m making excuses, but others notice that he’s different around me as well). He’s always treated me with respect and has been sweet and caring throughout most of our relationship.

Anyhow, he left school at semester due to financial reasons, so our relationship quickly became long distance. Things were going ok, he came to visit, we had sex (an important first for both of us), and then things started going bad. He had had an ex-girlfriend in his life that he dated in high school, whom he realized he was in love with after they had broken up, and had a realization that he wasn’t over her, and it wasn’t fair to me, blah blah, so we broke up (she’s been the reason why none of his relationships in the past 5 years have worked).

We continued talking, he hated himself for hurting me and letting his ex control him as she does, he completely stopped talking to her in an effort to get over her, and he thought he was making progress so we got back together. Things had never been better this time around. We were handling the long distance issues better, we were visiting each other a lot, and it was great, until the ex emails him an apology and he starts talking to her again. We break up for the second time and I tell myself, and him, that I can’t do it again. I can’t stand being in a relationship where I have to fight for his attention and worry about who he cares about more today.

So I accept it as it is, become lonely and depressed because I feel like I’ll be alone forever, so I agree to meet this older man (he’s 51, I’m 19) that I’ve been talking to online for a couple years who pays me a lot of attention, which feels good at this time. We have a great time hanging out, so I go back down there for a weekend. We end up having sex. Upon returning home I realize how uncut I am for casual sex. I find that this guy only ever talks about sex with me hereafter, and whenever he mentions meeting up again, sex is always involved. I feel slightly used, but at the same time ok with that, because physical intimacy feels better than loneliness.

On a whim, I stopped by to visit my ex about a week after this happens. It made me realize how much I still cared for him and wanted to be with him, so I started to regret the older man situation because I felt used. My ex and I start talking a little bit more, then he tells me he’s been trying to change because he wants to come back to school in the fall a changed man and ultimately wants to spend the rest of his life with me as soon as he gets himself sorted out. So I admit to having sex with this other guy and he gets horribly upset. He’s crying and throwing up, so I become upset and he starts yelling at me about how much scum this guy is and how I was victimized by a predator who knew I was lonely. He basically gave me an ultimatum of telling him this guys name and address so he can call the authorities because he’s convinced that this guy does this all the time, and may even go for younger girls. Or, I can “do the wrong thing”, in which case he will think I have no respect for myself. And if that’s the case, he can’t be with me because if people don’t have respect for themselves then they can never love someone else.

I promised him I wouldn’t talk to the guy anymore, but I think he’s overreacting by wanting to call the police over it. I don’t think it’s fair that he’s putting me in this position. It’s my problem to deal with, and I do regret it, but I think it was wrong for different reasons than him. I think casual sex, for me, is a bad idea; I don't regret it because of the age difference. I just think he’s being too controlling of the situation. I didn’t mean to hurt him… but we weren’t even together, or talking about getting back together or anything… He keeps saying “I don’t know if I can get past this”. I feel like the bad guy when he’s also hurt me in the past. Do I even want to be with someone who is reacting this way over this? Is he overreacting or am I under reacting? My ex makes me so happy, and I really would like to be with him again, but I don't know if that a pointless goal to have because of his past. And I really don't want to give him this guys name, but I don't want to lose him...

* [He’s pretty far left, politically, and got into an argument with my very republican friend who never seems to have reasons for her beliefs, and seems to hold them just because her parents do; she refuses to be in the same room with him because of this argument they had, but I forgave him for creating an enemy with her because I agree that she can be ignorant and close-minded and it can be frustrating to me as well. My other girl friend enjoys going out, getting trashed, and having one night stands. He, feeling that sex should only happen in committed relationships, and that alcohol makes people do stupid things, called her a whore and insulted her judgment. They’re on better terms now but some tension still arises when he makes comments to me about her.]

 

[EJFan]

i'll make this short and sweet... though you may not like it much...

first, we always realize (or at least think) we're in love with someone when they're gone. this is true for you and your ex as well as your ex and HIS ex.

second, my friends grant a lot of weight to each others' opinions when it comes to relationships. if our SO's don't like us or we don't like one of the SO's, there's a good chance somethings amiss. it's not that we base decisions SOLELY on these opinions, but we've known each other longer than anyone we've dated and know each other better. we trust our opinions and each other... listen to your friends.

third, the 51 year old guy may be purely interested in a physical relationship. there are people like that of all ages. i'm like you, i can't do a casual sex relationship either... if i don't love someone i can't be physical with them. it's just the way i am. i don't make any apologies for it and i don't suggest you do either. it's a self respect thing.

bottom line, i'd say ditch 'em both and get out of the way. neither is doing you any good. you need solid friendships and family... learn what you have within you and learn to respect and honor yourself. then use that as a basis for your decisions.

you haven't done anything wrong or irreperable... i think you just need to move beyond it at this point.

 

[oxphocker]

Heh...college...

Anyway, I can understand the situation you are in...a girl did *sort of* the same thing to me and it is a pain in the rear because YOU haven't done anything wrong. People have to make decisions in their life as to what they plan to do and personally I have learned that there are many people out there that cannot make that decision. Based on what you have said so far, it sounds like your the fall back for this guy, whenever something goes wrong he looks you up...your seen as stable and when you went out with that older guy, it shattered his outlook on you as someone stable (in his perception). I've learned that dealing with someone with emotional baggage is terribly hard to do and most of the time I avoid it. As for what advice I can offer...it depends on what you want to do; if you actually want this guy back, it is time to turn a few ground rules on him. Ex: 1. "I don't care if you talk to that ex-gf or not, but this is the LAST time I am taking you back...understand?" 2. "I know you have your own opinions on things, but as frustrating as it is, please be tolerant of my friends...or go find something else to do when I hang out with them." etc... If you don't want him back, sit him down and explain..."look, I can't play second fiddle to your relationship whims anymore...I think you need to spend some time alone (from everybody) and figure out what it is you want. Maybe in a few years we might meet again, but for now I don't see it happening."

It not a perfect solution, but then...what is? Good luck...

 

[silverwhisper]

coyness: nobody who issues an ultimatum is worth it, IMX. i say ditch 'em both and find someone who lives on the same planet. :>

both EJ & exophocker made some good points. don't be a doormat b/c that isn't what you are: you're a person. and i'd be very, very scared by the fact that this older guy (how old is he relative to your parents?) is into someone your age. your ex should STFU about this ultimatum crap: it was consensual based on what you said. there was nothing illegal that happened AFAICT.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Tough situation, but it sounds like you're already pretty clear on what you should do, even if you can't quite see it.

You're not the bad guy. You weren't together, were trying to do the right thing by being honest, and you learned a very important lesson about yourself. There's nothing to feel guilty about, and I'd question anyone who can't see those aspects/positives.

Do not give him the man's information. That's really not yours to give, and it sounds like you know that. It was consentual, you're both adults, there's probably no evidence he's going for underage girls, and if there was, it'd be YOUR job to report it. Your ex wants revenge for some imaginary wrong, and is making up reasons to get it. He may also be deflecting attention from himself...perhaps he's done some things that are hard to get past and/or doesn't want to really face giving things up to make a relationship work.

On his point of you not respecting yourself if you don't tell him...BULLSHIT. I'm getting the impression you respect yourself very much and have made lots of great decisions. Not respecting yourself would be continuing the sex with the other man just because he wanted you to or to spite your ex. You tried something, figured out it wasn't for you, and have decided you're probably not going to do it again...learning like that takes a lot of respect and maturity, and you should be proud of it. Really, you're disrespecting yourself by telling him because you'd be compromising your integrity.

EJFan has excellent points about the friends, etc. I'd take his advice and ditch them both. You haven't been with your ex long, but it seems like you two are probably not a good match. This is a perfect opportunity for you to see what's out there, learn about yourself, others, and what you (don't) want, really. Perhaps you could take a break from your ex, and who knows...you might be great friends or even come back together in the future. But don't cheat yourself by jumping back into this relationship.

Best of luck to you!

 

[LadyJeanne]

He keeps saying “I don’t know if I can get past this”. I feel like the bad guy when he’s also hurt me in the past. Do I even want to be with someone who is reacting this way over this? Is he overreacting or am I under reacting? My ex makes me so happy...

Sounds like your ex was dumbfounded to discover that you might actually be interested in other men, and that it's possible you might not hang around waiting for him to get over his other ex-girlfriend, and that he's royally pissed off that you, shockingly, had sex with another man.

That's what your ex can't get over: that you had sex with another man, not that the man was significantly older than you. He's jealous and wants revenge - that's the only reason he want to turn this guy into the police, who, BTW, would laugh at him since nothing illegal happened.

Your ex is jealous and controlling and still hung up on his ex. He's afraid now that you won't be around for him to turn to every time his ex yanks his chain and then drops him. He's not treating you with respect, and he's making you feel like the bad guy when none of that would have happened if he'd valued your relationship with each other in the first place.

Whatever it is about him that makes you happy, he's not making you feel loved and treasured or secure in the relationship. I'd recommend spending more time going out and with your friends so you can meet someone who values you more.

 

[SummerMorning]

That's what your ex can't get over: that you had sex with another man, not that the man was significantly older than you. He's jealous and wants revenge - that's the only reason he want to turn this guy into the police, who, BTW, would laugh at him since nothing illegal happened.

Agree perfectly with what LadyJeanne said. I've been on both sides of the issue you're talking about, so I can say I'm speaking from ex(perience)

I say ditch your ex, because quite frankly he's got too many issues to sort out right now. Trust me, relations can and will come along that will be better.

As to the older guy, if you're not into having sex with him, don't. There's really no issue there.

 

[LunarKitten]

Everyone else said most of what I felt when reading your post, so I will skip over those to go straight to what really hit me most at the end of your post.

Why call the cops? You're 19, over the age of consent in all states and legally an adult. There is nothing to charge this guy with. Even if there were the slightest inclination that this guy was also after younger girls, there is no probable cause to issue a warrent for his computer or to search anything else of his.

I think this ultimatium is about his controlling you. Just because he treats you different than your friends doesn't mean he won't - or hasn't - begin to treat you the same way. Abusers start in stages - emotional and physical ones. It starts small and then spreads out into a wider and more easily recognized pattern. Get out before it starts to spread.

 

[leanoir]

I would agree with everyone else and say go ahead and ditch the guy, but I know sometimes that's just not going to happen. You're not a doormat, but you sound like you've realized that already.

If he's giving you an ultimatum, give him one back. They're not a good way to continue a relationship, but maybe then he'll see the difficult spot he's put you in. (I don't mean actually give him an ultimatum, just ask him how it would make him feel if you said something like "I will not get back together with you if you do not cut off all ties with your ex-girlfriend.")

As for the older guy, forget him. You're legal, you made your own decision, and it wasn't for you. Move on. If your ex can't, move on without him. It sounds like he's just trying to make you feel guilty when he's the one who should be feeling the guilt.

 

[fgarvb1]

Do the words " Feet don't fell me now!" mean anything to you?

Yes, get out of both situations and look into how you got into them to start with and why.

If you don't you will do it over and over again.

Life is to short for that bullshit.

You were meant to be happy... Go for it.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Nothing really to add here, just another voice in the chorus that's telling you to move on. It does sound like the old guy is just interested in sex. As for your ex, I'm not clear on whether he is currently involved with his ex at the time this "ultimatum" discussion happened. If he is, then I'm inclined to think he just wants a fall back relationship for if and when his current one goes sour. If not, then I still say move on. He had no right to demand anything of you, especially since you weren't even together.

 

[JRaven]

He’s extremely opinionated and my friends sometimes ask me how I could be with someone who is such an ass, but he treats me differently than everyone else.

Well, now he's treating you like he does your friends. Here's a simple list of my thoughts.

1) Your on again off again boyfriend is showing you his true personality. The one you'll live with forever if you do get back together with him.

2) Don't give in to his ultimatum. Besides the fact that there's nothing the cops can do, even if they did just visit him, what would that do to this guy's life?

3) Use the ultimatum as a convienient way to ditch the boyfriend permanently!

4) Chalk all this up to experience, learn from it, and enjoy life.

Jenny

 

[Coyness]

Everyone's comments were much appreciated. Thanks guys.

I vented everything that's been on my mind earlier today. Basically that I didn't think it was fair that he wasn't being supportive and listening to what I had to say, when that's all I ever did for him the two times he left me for someone else. He said I made him sick and that he wants nothing to do with me.

I've never felt so hurt. After all I've done for him I hate that he's doing this to me.

It may be better in the long run, but it sure isn't now.

 

[SweetErika]

Everyone's comments were much appreciated. Thanks guys.

I vented everything that's been on my mind earlier today. Basically that I didn't think it was fair that he wasn't being supportive and listening to what I had to say, when that's all I ever did for him the two times he left me for someone else. He said I made him sick and that he wants nothing to do with me.

I've never felt so hurt. After all I've done for him I hate that he's doing this to me.

It may be better in the long run, but it sure isn't now.

Good for you, Coyness. His reaction really told you everything you needed to know about him, didn't it? Thank your lucky stars he showed some of his true colors now, and that you are wise and strong enough to recognize them and get out now. You WILL get over the shock and pain. You WILL be better off in the long run.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Everyone's comments were much appreciated. Thanks guys.

I vented everything that's been on my mind earlier today. Basically that I didn't think it was fair that he wasn't being supportive and listening to what I had to say, when that's all I ever did for him the two times he left me for someone else. He said I made him sick and that he wants nothing to do with me.

I've never felt so hurt. After all I've done for him I hate that he's doing this to me.

It may be better in the long run, but it sure isn't now.

Good for you, sweets. You'll get beyond this and feel better, though I'm sorry you're hurting now.

 

[leanoir]

Good for you for being strong enough to do what's right for you, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. My roommate and I have been trying to get our friend to open her eyes about her boyfriend, but she refuses to see that he's an abusive bastard.

It takes guts to leave someone you care for. Show him that you're too strong for him.

 

[Private_Label]

Hugs

Everyone's comments were much appreciated. Thanks guys.

I vented everything that's been on my mind earlier today. Basically that I didn't think it was fair that he wasn't being supportive and listening to what I had to say, when that's all I ever did for him the two times he left me for someone else. He said I made him sick and that he wants nothing to do with me.

I've never felt so hurt. After all I've done for him I hate that he's doing this to me.

It may be better in the long run, but it sure isn't now.

Coyness, it sounds like you have a lot going for you and more self confidence than this ex of yours. Regardeless of what your ex thinks of the older man, you are old enough to do what you did, and since your ex was X at the time of the event, there is no room for him to verbally beat you up over it. All he can do is cause a lot of ruckus over something that the police will turn around and tell him to put a cork in it since it was consentual and you are legal.

If he throws up just because you are honest with him, about something that happened when you were not a couple... I'd say he needs serious help.

I agree with the advice you got about the ultimatum ~ any guy who makes that type of demand is not worthy of you.

 

[JRaven]

{Hugs}

Coyness,
The heartache hurts now. But you've handled this well and with more maturity that he has. In the long run, you will be able to look back on this as a lesson learned. You will grow from it. He will just continue to wither.

Jenny