PaulGerard
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2010
- Posts
- 4
Hi there!
So nice of you to take a look into this thread.
Well, let's get the important things right out in the open:
1) Story environment: Fantasy, the medieval type. Everything takes place in an alternate-universe setting roughly similar to the 12th century (or thereabout). An incarcerated traveling witch meets up with a strong-but-not-too-bright maid, and the maid gets supercharged on one of the witch's "special" potions. Or, to quote myself from the introductory blurb:
"What starts out as a chance meeting of two women in a castle dungeon, only hours from their scheduled execution, soon balloons into a tale of golden-hearted whores, an exiled warrior queen, a mysterious living statue, a traveling bard, wolves in winter forests, a mischievous wizard, an upstarting vizier and a deserted throne. Can Yrba, the curvy dark-skinned traveling witch and castaway of the Southern Islands, bring a happy-ever-after to Mirca, her hapless six feet six and growing Amazon look-alike protege who’s blessed with much more muscle than experience?"
2) Kind of sexual content: About 90% lesbian sex, and for the fetish component, it's all about big breasts, and especially the growth and/or transformation of said assets. In other words, it's one of those weird "breast expansion" fetish stories. If you didn't laugh or felt vaguely aroused when you watched Woody Allen's "Giant Breast" skit in "Everything you always wanted to know about sex", then feel free to balk now. Hey, as I said, it's fantasy, and while the world mechanics and rules are pretty consistent with "conventional" settings until the magic kicks in, there are quite a lot of things that happen during the sexual interactions that are very, very far out there.
So far, the only place I've uploaded stories to is The Overflowing Bra, which, as you might've guessed, is a rather "niche" hangout. So it's difficult to find proofers with enough free time. I wrote this story with a lot of it geared to this fetish audience, yet with the intention of writing a "heroic fantasy" story first and fetish fodder second. So I'm uploading it to Lit to get a different set of opinions on my writing.
The first part was approved rather quickly, find it here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=462394
(The witch goes about things pretty roughly in this part, but then, she doesn't have much time to save both herself and her new girl-toy... they'll treat each other much more gentle in the later parts.
)
3) What I'm looking for:
I'm an English-as-second-language amateur writer ("Ugh, even *I* could write better than that. Hey, why not give it a spin." Here I am.), and there are things that I tend to stumble over. Like, appropriate placement of commas. Words where I'm absolutely sure I know what they mean, only to find out after the fact that I was wrong. Grammar, the right use thereof.
Basically, I'm looking for someone who reads it through with a native reader's eye and underlines/highlights all those pesky things I did wrong.
The twelve parts of this story have partially been proof-read (pts. 1,2,3,5), but for the most part of it, I just sorta, kinda tried to get it out the door on a roughly monthly schedule over the course of 2009, and finding a proofer wasn't quite as easy as I’d hoped.
4) Technicalities:
File format: Open Office .odt, or Word, if all else fails - the "record changes" mode very much appreciated, since the original file is in a special software geared at authors, and it doesn't do "re-import", so I'll need to manually transfer your edits into the original environment.
Structure: Three "books" (or "location superwrappers") divided into 5/4/3 = 12 parts, approx. 2/3 of which have not been proofread yet.
Size: In total 184,700 words = 1,028,000 chars = 800 pages in paperback style.
No, I don't expect anyone to read all of that in one go, especially not on a voluntary basis. One part at a time, don't dig too deep, and I'll be a very, very happy writer
5) What my writing looks like without external interference: (see below)
Yours, Paul G.
This is the introduction to the fourth part, which has not been proofread except by myself. It also lacks the /italics/ which I use for "sound f/x" and, more importantly, for thoughts (no quotations around these) and inside quotations for emphasis. Yes, there's no sex in that excerpt.
---
The diminutive, barely four-and-a-half feet woman with the boyish figure and decidedly eastern features beamed up to the towering, bulky, six-feet-six giantess in front of her. There was not a single wrinkle in her face’s ivory skin to give away that she was the tall blonde’s elder by more than a decade. And her giddy cheerfulness made the shy, twentysomething hulk seem the somber one instead.
She raised a folded piece of cloth up to the amazon who actually was the very opposite of /a/-mazon, /no/-breast. The tightly-wrapped, makeshift toga strained and showed the swaying motions of very respectable amounts of mammary mass underneath as the girl picked up the package and started to unfold her present. The dwarfish woman in the colorful kimono bounced impatiently in place, like she wished her giantess’ chest would.
"Go, try on! Mirca try on new dress! Is from gift of Lady Mayor! I sew nights and nights to make fit. Want see now!"
"Uh, Li, should I, like, right now?" Mirca frowned. The dark green silk flowed over her hands. She held it up with two fingers and turned the long, sleek dress left and right. "It’s so beautiful, but it looks so, so flimsy — I don’t know, I don’t want to tear it."
Li put her arms akimbo and leaned forward. An angry frown wrinkled the smooth skin of her forehead.
"You say I not good sewing?! I not measure right?! Li work long hours for you! Li put in extra strong seams! You wear now!"
Mirca lowered her eyes and stared to her feet as the dwarfish bundle of energy with the bun of black hair glared up at her. She mumbled, "Okay, okay. I just —"
"Not yet wearing my present?!" Li twittered angrily, prodded Mirca in the yielding chest with her forefinger, leaned backwards and crossed her arms over her flat chest.
With a sigh, the tall blonde began to unwrap the assortment of veils around her body.
Li’s face brightened into an obsessed grin as the veils dropped down and revealed inch by inch the bulging muscles and the enormous, flawless breasts on the golden-haired giantess, and the eastern woman exhaled in a raunchy sigh. /You are incredible, Mirca. My goddess of female strength. Not even the best of jade sculptors of my homeland could create a body like yours. I praise whoever brought you here. You are all I’ll never be./
Of course she knew who had brought her favorite embodiment of her brawny-and-busty fetish to the brothel: Yrba, the bawd’s old-time girlfriend. The voluptuous southern islands refugee with the chocolate-colored skin was a witch to the bone — a flirty, hot-momma kind of witch with her thirty-five years. The unexpected stowaway had shaken up the routine at "Madame Red’s cozy house of bathing" ever since she showed up in the dark of night after her escape from the castle’s death row. In her tow she brought Mirca, the bulky-yet-timid serf freshly filled with a year’s undiluted harvest of Yrba’s "Tincture for the Mesdames" originally meant for more than a hundred clients — with the inevitable result of a capricious, hard-to-control boob line capable of bust–ing stone and metal.
Lucky for all of the girls at Red’s house, the ethereal magic needed to fuel Mirca’s erratic transformations wasn’t unlimited, and after her last mishap, the depleted resources would need weeks to grow back.
So nice of you to take a look into this thread.
Well, let's get the important things right out in the open:
1) Story environment: Fantasy, the medieval type. Everything takes place in an alternate-universe setting roughly similar to the 12th century (or thereabout). An incarcerated traveling witch meets up with a strong-but-not-too-bright maid, and the maid gets supercharged on one of the witch's "special" potions. Or, to quote myself from the introductory blurb:
"What starts out as a chance meeting of two women in a castle dungeon, only hours from their scheduled execution, soon balloons into a tale of golden-hearted whores, an exiled warrior queen, a mysterious living statue, a traveling bard, wolves in winter forests, a mischievous wizard, an upstarting vizier and a deserted throne. Can Yrba, the curvy dark-skinned traveling witch and castaway of the Southern Islands, bring a happy-ever-after to Mirca, her hapless six feet six and growing Amazon look-alike protege who’s blessed with much more muscle than experience?"
2) Kind of sexual content: About 90% lesbian sex, and for the fetish component, it's all about big breasts, and especially the growth and/or transformation of said assets. In other words, it's one of those weird "breast expansion" fetish stories. If you didn't laugh or felt vaguely aroused when you watched Woody Allen's "Giant Breast" skit in "Everything you always wanted to know about sex", then feel free to balk now. Hey, as I said, it's fantasy, and while the world mechanics and rules are pretty consistent with "conventional" settings until the magic kicks in, there are quite a lot of things that happen during the sexual interactions that are very, very far out there.
So far, the only place I've uploaded stories to is The Overflowing Bra, which, as you might've guessed, is a rather "niche" hangout. So it's difficult to find proofers with enough free time. I wrote this story with a lot of it geared to this fetish audience, yet with the intention of writing a "heroic fantasy" story first and fetish fodder second. So I'm uploading it to Lit to get a different set of opinions on my writing.
The first part was approved rather quickly, find it here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=462394
(The witch goes about things pretty roughly in this part, but then, she doesn't have much time to save both herself and her new girl-toy... they'll treat each other much more gentle in the later parts.
)3) What I'm looking for:
I'm an English-as-second-language amateur writer ("Ugh, even *I* could write better than that. Hey, why not give it a spin." Here I am.), and there are things that I tend to stumble over. Like, appropriate placement of commas. Words where I'm absolutely sure I know what they mean, only to find out after the fact that I was wrong. Grammar, the right use thereof.
Basically, I'm looking for someone who reads it through with a native reader's eye and underlines/highlights all those pesky things I did wrong.
The twelve parts of this story have partially been proof-read (pts. 1,2,3,5), but for the most part of it, I just sorta, kinda tried to get it out the door on a roughly monthly schedule over the course of 2009, and finding a proofer wasn't quite as easy as I’d hoped.
4) Technicalities:
File format: Open Office .odt, or Word, if all else fails - the "record changes" mode very much appreciated, since the original file is in a special software geared at authors, and it doesn't do "re-import", so I'll need to manually transfer your edits into the original environment.
Structure: Three "books" (or "location superwrappers") divided into 5/4/3 = 12 parts, approx. 2/3 of which have not been proofread yet.
Size: In total 184,700 words = 1,028,000 chars = 800 pages in paperback style.
No, I don't expect anyone to read all of that in one go, especially not on a voluntary basis. One part at a time, don't dig too deep, and I'll be a very, very happy writer
5) What my writing looks like without external interference: (see below)
Yours, Paul G.
This is the introduction to the fourth part, which has not been proofread except by myself. It also lacks the /italics/ which I use for "sound f/x" and, more importantly, for thoughts (no quotations around these) and inside quotations for emphasis. Yes, there's no sex in that excerpt.
---
The diminutive, barely four-and-a-half feet woman with the boyish figure and decidedly eastern features beamed up to the towering, bulky, six-feet-six giantess in front of her. There was not a single wrinkle in her face’s ivory skin to give away that she was the tall blonde’s elder by more than a decade. And her giddy cheerfulness made the shy, twentysomething hulk seem the somber one instead.
She raised a folded piece of cloth up to the amazon who actually was the very opposite of /a/-mazon, /no/-breast. The tightly-wrapped, makeshift toga strained and showed the swaying motions of very respectable amounts of mammary mass underneath as the girl picked up the package and started to unfold her present. The dwarfish woman in the colorful kimono bounced impatiently in place, like she wished her giantess’ chest would.
"Go, try on! Mirca try on new dress! Is from gift of Lady Mayor! I sew nights and nights to make fit. Want see now!"
"Uh, Li, should I, like, right now?" Mirca frowned. The dark green silk flowed over her hands. She held it up with two fingers and turned the long, sleek dress left and right. "It’s so beautiful, but it looks so, so flimsy — I don’t know, I don’t want to tear it."
Li put her arms akimbo and leaned forward. An angry frown wrinkled the smooth skin of her forehead.
"You say I not good sewing?! I not measure right?! Li work long hours for you! Li put in extra strong seams! You wear now!"
Mirca lowered her eyes and stared to her feet as the dwarfish bundle of energy with the bun of black hair glared up at her. She mumbled, "Okay, okay. I just —"
"Not yet wearing my present?!" Li twittered angrily, prodded Mirca in the yielding chest with her forefinger, leaned backwards and crossed her arms over her flat chest.
With a sigh, the tall blonde began to unwrap the assortment of veils around her body.
Li’s face brightened into an obsessed grin as the veils dropped down and revealed inch by inch the bulging muscles and the enormous, flawless breasts on the golden-haired giantess, and the eastern woman exhaled in a raunchy sigh. /You are incredible, Mirca. My goddess of female strength. Not even the best of jade sculptors of my homeland could create a body like yours. I praise whoever brought you here. You are all I’ll never be./
Of course she knew who had brought her favorite embodiment of her brawny-and-busty fetish to the brothel: Yrba, the bawd’s old-time girlfriend. The voluptuous southern islands refugee with the chocolate-colored skin was a witch to the bone — a flirty, hot-momma kind of witch with her thirty-five years. The unexpected stowaway had shaken up the routine at "Madame Red’s cozy house of bathing" ever since she showed up in the dark of night after her escape from the castle’s death row. In her tow she brought Mirca, the bulky-yet-timid serf freshly filled with a year’s undiluted harvest of Yrba’s "Tincture for the Mesdames" originally meant for more than a hundred clients — with the inevitable result of a capricious, hard-to-control boob line capable of bust–ing stone and metal.
Lucky for all of the girls at Red’s house, the ethereal magic needed to fuel Mirca’s erratic transformations wasn’t unlimited, and after her last mishap, the depleted resources would need weeks to grow back.
