udnerstanding myself

SheDevilShay

Really Experienced
Joined
Jul 30, 2007
Posts
269
I am still learning to understand myself.. it took me ALONG time to realize I enjoy being hurt.. and I still feel as if its wrong and I feel guilty.. not afraid.. I LOVE when he hurts me and I trust my dom will respect my safe word.. the trust is there... My inherent need to be hurt... scares me though.. when I am scared or sad, I want him to hurt me... sometimes.. even when I am happy.. I just want him to spank me or hurt me... I don't understand this...

I was hoping someone would have some input into this and help me understand it so I can fully embrace it with out guilt.
 
This is just my opinion. Like you I thought my desires were wrong for many years and I was ashamed.

Now I just think it is what it is. It hurts no one, not even me, because I like it, I need it. For me it's less hurt than sensation. It's also very theraputic feeling to me not to mention sexy as hell.

It helps me feel better and happier. That being said, I see nothing wrong with it at this time in my life. I'm so much more at peace with myself now.

*hug*

That's what I call the "is-ness" of it. I don't know where it comes from but I accept it and I accept me.
 
I agree with what Furry says. It makes me feel better, releases stress, and giving me the warm fuzzies I've come to crave. The desire to be hurt or experience intense sensations from my Joe has only gotten stronger the longer I've been doing this sort of play.

I don't understand why I feel this need for pain either, and I don't really care as long as he gives it to me. Well, that isn't exactly true. I do like self analysis, and I think it's a good thing to learn all I can about who I am. I just know that it isn't going to change the feelings once I ever do understand them. ;)

If you like it and he likes it then why have guilt? Give yourself permission to enjoy what you enjoy. Makes life a whole lot more fun when you do that. :)
 
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His_pita said:
If you like it and he likes it then why have guilt? Give yourself permission to enjoy what you enjoy. Makes life a whole lot more fun when you do that. :)

Absolutely! :) I remember after my first spanking wondering what the hell happened because despite the "hurtiness" I was very much aroused. I thought I must be weird because i enjoyed it so much - however Master Gil explained to me that this was how I was wired and He wouldn't want me any other way ;) :D

i think we sometimes tend to over analyse ourselves....just learn to BE, and enjoy! :devil: :nana: :D
 
My dom told me yesterday (after I asked this question) That over 65% of households spank their significant others on some level physically...

(the whole curbing anxiety and depression thing that its known to help with.)

It sjust people think its taboo, so they never discuss it out loud.... its more "normal" then people would thing....

I guess I was raised being taught how "independant" I had to be and how "successful" I had to be on my own..

So alot of my guilt comes from not knowing whats acceptable of me as a kid and having to relearn whats okay in "my" household.

(I am very independant when it comes to everyone else except my Dom. I KNOW I could survive with out him, I have... I jsut don't "want" to.. and I think society and people have forgotten the difference between Want and "can't"....)
 
SheDevilShay said:
My dom told me yesterday (after I asked this question) That over 65% of households spank their significant others on some level physically...

(the whole curbing anxiety and depression thing that its known to help with.)

It sjust people think its taboo, so they never discuss it out loud.... its more "normal" then people would thing....

I guess I was raised being taught how "independant" I had to be and how "successful" I had to be on my own..

So alot of my guilt comes from not knowing whats acceptable of me as a kid and having to relearn whats okay in "my" household.

(I am very independant when it comes to everyone else except my Dom. I KNOW I could survive with out him, I have... I jsut don't "want" to.. and I think society and people have forgotten the difference between Want and "can't"....)

My husband isn't my Dom but I feel the exact same way. I also know from being married before that feeling like you literally can't survive without him isn't healthy at all for me.

Knowing we don't want to live without each other but could is a wonderful thing for both of us, and so freeing. It also means we are together because we choose to be, not because we think we have no other choice.
 
FurryFury said:
My husband isn't my Dom but I feel the exact same way. I also know from being married before that feeling like you literally can't survive without him isn't healthy at all for me.

Knowing we don't want to live without each other but could is a wonderful thing for both of us, and so freeing. It also means we are together because we choose to be, not because we think we have no other choice.


Yes, and im a posting whore.. I have no other way to "talk" about the stuff in my mind so I apologize in advance to everyone if these issue's have already been discussed previously... (shrugs)

I survived, and I can survive, but survival isn't enough for me.. I want true happiness... and my husband gives me that... you can live, cope and survive, but it doesn't mean your happy.
 
SheDevilShay said:
I survived, and I can survive, but survival isn't enough for me.. I want true happiness... and my husband gives me that... you can live, cope and survive, but it doesn't mean your happy.

True happiness is akin to the Holy Grail. However, I like to believe you make your own happiness. :rose:
 
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