Two revised stories

[gunhilltrain]

I had put this on AwkwardMD's threat, but then I considered having other people comment on it too. So here goes, with the original quote from the thread.

"I think some of my earlier stories haven't held up that well. I decided to recently revise these two in regards to some background details. When I reread them, they seemed to have been better than expected even before the revisions.

Although they are written in the third person, they are from the point-of-view of a young woman - probably the only times I've tried that. The events are only a few weeks apart. If it seems to be a bit disjointed, it's because they were supposed to be part of a larger work I never did. Eventually, I will write a series about Judy and Michelle that takes them to the end of 1975.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-hot-day-in-december

https://www.literotica.com/s/west-side-gun-moll"

I think for the first fifteen stories or so I did here in 2018, I asked for feedback. After that, I just published them and took whatever happened (sometimes no comments at all). I did ask for feedback once last summer for a chapter in a series.

 

[Emirus]

These two stories, if I’ve got it right, are part of five stories concerning the same characters. I haven’t read the other three so my comments only relate to these two.

My initial thought is have you ever considered combining them as one story?

By my reckoning as one story it would still be less than four pages. I think most people would agree a one page story has to be really good to achieve a decent rating. I actually liked the premise and could imagine the 1970’s setting but that may be because at that time I was in my late 20’s/early 30’s so I may be biased. Someone born after 1980 might not be able to envisage that period.

Please bear in mind the following are my personal opinion, and may not be shared by others, and they are intended to be helpful and most importantly constructive, which many reviewers don’t seem to think is necessary.

My first comment is you have published an amazing number of stories in less than three years. I haven’t checked but I would imagine they are all short which would have something to do with the rating. Quantity over quality is the phrase which comes to mind. It’s as if you have an idea, can’t wait to write it, and submit it without thinking if you’d spent more time on it perhaps you could have written something longer and better.

Another thing to bear in mind, and many American writers fall in to this trap, is failing to appreciate you are writing for an international readership, not just the USA. So you have to think when you use a phrase or saying will it be understood by a reader outside of America? Or will it be understood by a reader whose first language is not English? As an example you use ‘stick shift’ in one story and ‘manual transmission’ in another. Which one would be best understood by all of your readers?

You used the word ‘schadenfreude,’ one of my favourite words because it’s meaning is so true, but did you consider how many readers would have to look it up? There are other examples as well.

I found myself reading A Hot Day in December as if it was a shopping list. Quickly and very staccato. West Side Gun Moll wasn’t quite as bad. Both stories would read better if the writing was more relaxed and thought given to the length, and type of, sentences.

It seemed as if you were giving blocks of information rather than bringing them into the story naturally.

Finally, and this is the most personal opinion which I know will not be shared by many others. I appreciate that and if you, or anyone else, want to continue doing it then it’s up to you, and them. It’s not something I intend getting into a conversation about because it’s a very personal opinion.

I have never yet come across a story in which : or ; have been necessary, let alone used correctly. I also cannot recall, although there probably are exceptions, when ( ) have been needed.

As I’ve said, my opinions are personal, as are everyone’s and they are intended to be helpful and constructive. I think you will take them that way because of the comments you make in the AH.

I’m surprised no one else has come forward with comments with it being two days since you posted.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Thank you for your comments. As I mentioned, these were intended to be part of a larger work, but when I joined Literotica I broke them into smaller pieces which is why it probably seems disjointed. They weren't even published in chronological order. That was a decision I made in 2018 because the original idea - a novella perhaps - was going so slowly or maybe it was too big a lift for me. Maybe if I do it as a series it will go better. But 5,000 words or so seems like enough for many stories.

As for the 1970s: even if it was contemporary, it would eventually recede in time. If one reads The Day of the Locust, one has to go back to the 1930s; for Madame Bovery, it's the 1850s. Of course, I doubt anybody will be reading my stuff in eighty years, much less one-hundred and fifty!

I don't think schadenfreude, stick-stick, or manual transmission are that obscure. In any case, I can't know what every reader will know or do all of the work for them. I've had to look up things myself at times. (I've used the British term "lorries" once so I wouldn't have to say "trucks" again.)

Thank you again for your time and effort.

P.S.: Writing for an international audience can be tough. It's even worse when it has to be translated into a different language, which I suspect doesn't happen often with material from this site.