Two new stories submitted and live on the site

[jazzysoul]

#4 and #5 on my list in my sig were just approved overnight. Part 2 of the Morris one should be approved any day now. Maybe tomorrow!

Let me know whatcha think!

 

[Guest]

#4 and #5 on my list in my sig were just approved overnight. Part 2 of the Morris one should be approved any day now. Maybe tomorrow!

Let me know whatcha think!

I enjoyed it immensely. Very nice job - creative and interesting.

 

[jazzysoul]

thank you very much. Hopefully these get better reviews than "Unconventional Plans" has. lol

edit: Morris part 2 has been posted. That's the final part of that piece.

 

[jazzysoul]

thank you to those who have reviewed and offered suggestions. Many thanks.

 

[writelove]

I read story # 4 - Vegas Baby.

It was a well written first person, present tense tale.

A few things I did notice:

The following paragraph taken from your story told me too much. I would simply delete it. It broke the tension of curiousity in my mind.

No matter what the tourism department wanted her to think, she would never be able to rid herself of the memories of what happened. A hundred and fifty years would not erase 24 hours.

I would simply remove the statement below. Again it kills the excellent tension you have developed. Just a note, never use the word "very" unless in a conversation. Adverbs should always be scarce anyway and "very" is the least powerful and boring of all of them. Instead of saying "very being" say something else such as "core." Another example: Instead of saying "he ran fast" say "he raced." Use a stronger verb rather than an adverb or throw in a metaphor or simile to add strength.

She has so many questions to be answered, and they eat at her very being.

At the point in the story starting with the following paragraph, I thought the story took a downward turn. Too much discussing everything.

Now she never wanted to remember Vegas again. Nine months of happiness and anticipation all went to hell during three hours on the operating table. They hadn't said that drugs or alcohol played a part in her baby having been still born, but she would never be able to separate that thought from her mind. Every waking hour, of every day that she lived she would know in her heart that she had killed her child. What kind of forgiveness was there for that? What kind of absolution could she possibly receive for such a heinous crime?

If what happens here is important to women all over the world then make this powerful. I don't need to be reminded of women all over the world. I want to care about this woman. I am resisting the cliche that is wrapped around my words above -- show don't tell. There I said it.

Women all over the world are suffering because they can't have children, and now she gets one and what happens? She kills it through excess and self medication. Always being selfish, even to a fault. All her life she had followed a certain path of self-destruction, and now it had reached it's destructive grip out to that which was most precious.

I am making the suggestions above not because I think this story not good or flawed, but because I think it has tremendous potential. I think it can be great with a few improvements.

I seem to recall reading something else that you wrote that isn't even close to this in quality. I am not sure though. The decadent life of my youth has killed too many brain cells.