Two Couples & One Hotel Room

twilight47b

Virgin
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May 25, 2006
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A while back, I went away for a weekend ski trip with my girlfriend and another couple. We were all pretty broke at the time and decided to share a two bed hotel room. We brought a tie with us to leave on the doorknob in case one of the couples was inside and wanted privacy.

The vacation was great. We skied all day and into the night. We didn’t stay together the entire time and my girlfriend and I slipped back to the hotel every afternoon for a quickie. I’m sure Jackie and Eric did also.

One night, we packed up our skiis early and went back to the hotel room. We ordered a pizza and a case of beer and had a great night talking and joking together. After a few drinks, we were all nice and relaxed and started to joke around about the tie.

Eric laughed that, if Jackie has one more beer, he’d have to kick me and my girlfriend out of the room – tie or no tie! Jackie laughed and admitted she gets pretty horny when drinking. So does my girlfriend, she just wasn’t ready to admit it to them.

A little while later, I noticed how snuggly Jackie and Eric got and I thought about what he said. I looked over and noticed this sly grin on my girlfriends face. I recognized that grin. That’s her “I’m drunk and want sex” grin.

I put my arm around my girlfriend and asked Jackie and Eric if they’d like to walk around and check out the great outdoors for a little while. Jackie scoffed. She was the only person that noticed how bad it was snowing outside. No one would be standing outside that night.

We all kind of looked at each other at a loss. We were young, on vacation, drinking, talking about sex and very very horny. But there was no privacy. Eric said what we were all thinking. “We’ve got to work this out”. I proposed blindfolds. Either both girls or both guys would wear blind folds. Problem solved.

I couldn’t believe it but everyone agreed. The girls decided that the guys would wear the blind folds and ABSOLUTELY couldn’t removed them until the girls said so. I guess they’d rather see then be seen. Niether Eric nor I cared.

We decided to have one more drink. We toasted and promised to never tell anyone about this. Then we clicked our freshly opened beers together and chugged. Then Eric and I sat on opposite beds facing eachother. The girls grabbed a t shirt for each of us and soon we were in the dark.

The alarm clock radio was playing softly in the background and the girls turned it up, giggling. I could hear the rustling of clothing, moving around and more giggling. Suddenly, I felt that familiar feeling of lips on my penis. I was getting a blow job. I could hear Eric moaning and knew he was getting one too. The only thing was, this felt different.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but this blowjob felt different then the ones I my girlfriend usually gives me. It was more aggressive, definitely. Maybe it was all in my head. The situation was so unusual that I could have been imagining things.

Suddenly, the sucking stopped. A moment later, my girlfriends voice whispered to me to lay down on my back, with my hands under my butt. “They’re switching!” I thought. The different blow job. The sudden stoppage. The no touching. I think the girls were playing a game. I was too into it to care, though.

I laid on my back and enjoyed a very sexy ride from either my girlfriend or Jackie. Whoever it was was moving so sexy I just wanted to reach up and spank her ass, but I didn’t want to ruin anything. I just let her work her magic on me.

The room got noisier with some moaning and panting and finally you could hear people cumming. It was incredible. Immediately after finished, my ‘girlfriend’ got off the bed. When I heard her voice tell me I could take off the blindfold, she was laying next to me wearing her bra and panties.

Her and Jackie had huge smiles on their faces, like they were up to something. To this day, I don’t know if they switched around on us or just had great sex.

If you want to send me some feedback directly, my email is twilight47c@yahoo.com. If you've sent me email before, I look forward to hearing from you again.
 
The basic idea for a good story is there.

Setting, opportunity, action.

The problem is that there is absolutely no character development - the girls are just bodies, the men are just objects, the action is mere sex. If you wish this to become a story, you need make me care about the characters, show me the men's excitement; don't just tell me they got a blowjob - show me their excitement, describe his feelings, not only the events.

As written - It is just a penthouse letter, not erotica.
 
The alarm clock radio was playing softly in the background and the girls turned it up, giggling. I could hear the rustling of clothing, moving around and more giggling. Suddenly, I felt that familiar feeling of lips on my penis. I was getting a blow job. I could hear Eric moaning and knew he was getting one too. The only thing was, this felt different.

How would suggest having this paragraph be written?
 
twilight47b said:
The alarm clock radio was playing softly in the background and the girls turned it up, giggling. I could hear the rustling of clothing, moving around and more giggling. Suddenly, I felt that familiar feeling of lips on my penis. I was getting a blow job. I could hear Eric moaning and knew he was getting one too. The only thing was, this felt different.

How would suggest writing this paragraph?

I heard the rustle of clothing over the quiet noise of the radio. I heard giggling and then suddenly, soft wet lips wrapped my penis. I heard Eric's intake of breath and realised he was also getting a blowjob...

***
Afterward, you need to go into what he feels - he can't see so you have to describe the blowjob as he feels it... the sense you write from has to be "the touch" if you want us to join with your narrator.
 
I would recommend rewriting - from the viewpoint of the senses, touch, hearing and smell - once the blindfolds go on.

The beginning 5 paragraphs - as we won't be seeing the women or eric after the sex starts - are a place to give us images of them... We have to have pictures in our head.

Finally - as the sex goes onward, we have to know what he feels - what he hears from his friend. telling us what is happening to him doesn't work as we aren't in his position.

Why are the men silent - they don't groan, they don't talk, they don't express anything.


****

The lips withdrew from my penis and again I heard giggling. I strained to hear the whispers as the girls..... Fingernails traces a line over my hard cock and I nearly exploded right then... was it Jackie, was it my girlfriend. "OH God, whose hand was on me..." I wanted to tear the blindfold off, but would that end the game? would that end the sex?


****


I probably do not have time right now to help flesh out a story -- I am caring for a newborn and trying to write two stories of my own. Someone you could ask is asylumseeker, he is an excellent writer and was looking for writers looking for mentoring.
 
The room got noisier with some moaning and panting and finally you could hear people cumming.
The thing I think of when I read this is that even if blindfolded, wouldn't you be able to tell your own girlfreinds voice and be able to tell the difference between the two? Unless all the sounds were from the guys, which the story doesn't state.

A very fun scenario.
 
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