'Twas The Summer Of Their Discontent

[BiBunny]

I don't know what's going on, but all my married friends are divorcing. Some have been married for years and years, but one couple hasn't even been married a year yet. What the hell?

Is it just that summer makes people restless and antsy? Is the moon in some kind of weird phase? Are the planets and the stars lined up just so? Or did the futility of marrying for stupid reasons (she was pregnant, or they thought that getting married is what you're "supposed" to do when you've been dating for awhile, or whatever) finally dawn on all of them and make them realize that a rash decision when you're young can make you miserable for years to come?

It makes me glad I managed to get out of the relationships I was in that were headed to the altar when I knew perfectly well it wasn't what I truly wanted. It also further cements my decision to never marry unless I truly can't live without the other person.

God knows, I hear it all the time. "You're 24, and you aren't married yet? When are you getting married? When are you having kids?" Um, hello. I haven't even finished school yet. What's the hurry? Luckily, I've heard it for so long that it pretty much just rolls right off my back nowadays.

Why the big push for the altar when it's not even the right thing for a person to do? And it's not just women. I've been with two different men who were hurrying me there, even when it was obvious I was unhappy. You'd think the fact that most marriages crash and burn spectacularly because the people in them were miserable would make people stop and think. And, let's face it, your early and mid-twenties (which is either where most of these people are now or were when they got married) usually aren't the best times to make such a commitment when you're in such a transitional period in your life, even though society as a whole certainly pushes you toward it.

This isn't meant as a rant against marriage or as a jab at those who are married or even to inspire any kind of serious conversation. It's more bewilderment than anything. It's just...WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND ME GETTING DIVORCED ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

 

[EmpressFi]

been there...

I find it mildly ironic that out of all our friend Malin and I are the only ones who are still with the same spouse they were with when we started dating. Every single couple is now divorced, except for us.. the poly kinky ones..

 

[TerragonSix]

You're bad luck.

I don't see how marriage has to be done for two people to be together. For example, I know of a couple that has been together for 12 years, but not married. They tried getting married once, and the closer to the wedding date, the more they were at each others throats.

Finally, they canceled the wedding, and they are more happy in 12 years being together than most people are married. They let each other do their own thing, and that's pretty cool.

While marriage can most certainly be a beautiful thing, there are a lot more cases where everyone gets hurt bad.

It depends on the two people involved. That's all I can say.

 

[BiBunny]

been there...

I find it mildly ironic that out of all our friend Malin and I are the only ones who are still with the same spouse they were with when we started dating. Every single couple is now divorced, except for us.. the poly kinky ones..

Not ironic. Marriage tends to work better when both parties are true to themselves.

But then what the hell do I know? I never saw an example of a truly happy marriage until I was in Jr. High, I think. I'm probably biased.

You're bad luck.

I'm kinda starting to think so.

I don't see how marriage has to be done for two people to be together. For example, I know of a couple that has been together for 12 years, but not married. They tried getting married once, and the closer to the wedding date, the more they were at each others throats.

Finally, they canceled the wedding, and they are more happy in 12 years being together than most people are married. They let each other do their own thing, and that's pretty cool.

While marriage can most certainly be a beautiful thing, there are a lot more cases where everyone gets hurt bad.

It depends on the two people involved. That's all I can say.

I agree with all this.

 

[the captians wench]

Does seem to be the year for it.

You know, I've never understood the push either. I've been married, and now devorced, and I still get the "so when are you getting married and having kids" speach. I got married young, not because I was pushed, I was happy to, I wanted to. He, however, admits now that he thought it was the right thing to do and didn't want to end up alone. *shrug* wish I would have known that sooner.

Over the past two years I've really been searching myself and what I want. Especially this past year. I've dated around now, had casual flings, been in commited poly relationship, all the while madly inlove with a man an 8 hour flight away. It's helped me see a lot of things. I'm still not sure if I want to get married again or not, but I do know I'm really not a poly girl and don't want to live my life that way. I know I need a lot of attention, and I want to focas mine on one person. I'm not sure if I still want kids or not. I see my neice and some times it makes me long for it, but I'm not sure if I want that kind of responcibility. Maybe I'll know better once I'm in a relationship that doesn't involve long distance travel.

Oh, and having a SO in Ireland while I'm in Ohio doesn't help the "when are you having kids" speach any.

 

[EmpressFi]

you are NOT bad luck ... dont make me /whap you

 

[BiBunny]

Does seem to be the year for it.

You know, I've never understood the push either. I've been married, and now devorced, and I still get the "so when are you getting married and having kids" speach. I got married young, not because I was pushed, I was happy to, I wanted to. He, however, admits now that he thought it was the right thing to do and didn't want to end up alone. *shrug* wish I would have known that sooner.

Over the past two years I've really been searching myself and what I want. Especially this past year. I've dated around now, had casual flings, been in commited poly relationship, all the while madly inlove with a man an 8 hour flight away. It's helped me see a lot of things. I'm still not sure if I want to get married again or not, but I do know I'm really not a poly girl and don't want to live my life that way. I know I need a lot of attention, and I want to focas mine on one person. I'm not sure if I still want kids or not. I see my neice and some times it makes me long for it, but I'm not sure if I want that kind of responcibility. Maybe I'll know better once I'm in a relationship that doesn't involve long distance travel.

Oh, and having a SO in Ireland while I'm in Ohio doesn't help the "when are you having kids" speach any.

Oh, God, I can imagine a long-distance relationship would make the questioning even worse! And I don't understand the push to settle down. I mean, I can understand younger folks thinking "This is what I'm supposed to do," but why do older folks push them so much, knowing they've seen marriage after marriage fall apart for that very reason? I suppose we don't learn from our mistakes.

Wenchie, I think if/when you ever do decide to get married again, it'll be for good this time because you've spent a lot of time "finding yourself," so to speak, and figuring out exactly what it is that you want and need.

you are NOT bad luck ... dont make me /whap you

*Rubs hands together evilly* "She's falling right into line with my evil plan." Hehehehe.

 

[TerragonSix]

Oh, God, I can imagine a long-distance relationship would make the questioning even worse! And I don't understand the push to settle down. I mean, I can understand younger folks thinking "This is what I'm supposed to do," but why do older folks push them so much, knowing they've seen marriage after marriage fall apart for that very reason? I suppose we don't learn from our mistakes.

Wenchie, I think if/when you ever do decide to get married again, it'll be for good this time because you've spent a lot of time "finding yourself," so to speak, and figuring out exactly what it is that you want and need.

You would think that younger kids know better. This generation, with a 52% divorce rate, you would think younger people would realize marriage is not something to nonchalantly bring up.

Even with marriage itself, people change. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it seems to change people. It's almost like flipping a switch.

Personally, I'm going to wait a long time before I ever bring up the 'M' word.

A long time.

A long, long, long, time.

 

[kinkyknickers]

They're all getting divorced because their sex lives are boring and they only have one partner (I'm assuming they do anyway).

Bunny, it's not that you're bad luck, as previously mentioned, it's that they are fucking-green-with-envy style jealous of you and your critters. You are the reason, but only because you're making them see the very green grass on the other side.

Normal sucks. BDSM rocks (we're all too busy with our ever consuming life styles to think about divorce).

The man says, "I'm just too busy, with you two full stop". (Tough life).

As for me, I'll get married when they legalise polygamy. I can't see that happening until the next comet hits the earth, so I'm just happy to remain girlfriend......... Very fucking happy, actually.

KK

 

[EmpressFi]

*Rubs hands together evilly* "She's falling right into line with my evil plan." Hehehehe.

*spits her drink laughing*

oh great..you've turned me into a Switch...

 

[EmpressFi]

They're all getting divorced because their sex lives are boring and they only have one partner (I'm assuming they do anyway).

Bunny, it's not that you're bad luck, as previously mentioned, it's that they are fucking-green-with-envy style jealous of you and your critters. You are the reason, but only because you're making them see the very green grass on the other side.

Normal sucks. BDSM rocks (we're all too busy with our ever consuming life styles to think about divorce).

The man says, "I'm just too busy, with you two full stop". (Tough life).

As for me, I'll get married when they legalise polygamy. I can't see that happening until the next comet hits the earth, so I'm just happy to remain girlfriend......... Very fucking happy, actually.

KK

I tell Master all the time that I wish they'd legalize polygamy..because then I'd marry him in a heartbeat. As long as he's happy. as long as we're happy. I just hate that he's getting the whole.. when are you getting married, thing

 

[Netzach]

Uh, bi poly whoredom is fun, but it's not the panacea to happy marriage.

We make it work, but it's work, it's not easy or obvious. Of course I think that living with other humans is not really in my nature and I'm fighting uphill to do that, but it's a fight I'm glad to wage.

Sex is never the problem, everything else has to be factored and that's a lot more of my waking day.

 

[EmpressFi]

Uh, bi poly whoredom is fun, but it's not the panacea to happy marriage.

We make it work, but it's work, it's not easy or obvious. Of course I think that living with other humans is not really in my nature and I'm fighting uphill to do that, but it's a fight I'm glad to wage.

Sex is never the problem, everything else has to be factored and that's a lot more of my waking day.

*applaud*

although, as was said earlier, I think our marriage works because Malin and I talk so much about our desires, our wants, our hurts, our needs.. our marriage, that things dont have time to fester.

 

[BiBunny]

You would think that younger kids know better. This generation, with a 52% divorce rate, you would think younger people would realize marriage is not something to nonchalantly bring up.

Even with marriage itself, people change. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it seems to change people. It's almost like flipping a switch.

Personally, I'm going to wait a long time before I ever bring up the 'M' word.

A long time.

A long, long, long, time.

But with young people, I think you have this sort of invincibility, this "it'll never happen to me" idea. You'd think old folks would've grown out of that by now, LOL.

And I agree that a lot of people seem to change when they're married. It's like, "I have mine now, and I think I have free rein to be a selfish asshole." All relationships are work. You can't just sit on your ass and expect everything to be handed to you, but I think that's what a lot of people believe going in.

They're all getting divorced because their sex lives are boring and they only have one partner (I'm assuming they do anyway).

Bunny, it's not that you're bad luck, as previously mentioned, it's that they are fucking-green-with-envy style jealous of you and your critters. You are the reason, but only because you're making them see the very green grass on the other side.

Normal sucks. BDSM rocks (we're all too busy with our ever consuming life styles to think about divorce).

The man says, "I'm just too busy, with you two full stop". (Tough life).

As for me, I'll get married when they legalise polygamy. I can't see that happening until the next comet hits the earth, so I'm just happy to remain girlfriend......... Very fucking happy, actually.

KK

I wish they'd legalize poly, too. I'd be all over that.

*spits her drink laughing*

oh great..you've turned me into a Switch...

Heh.

I tell Master all the time that I wish they'd legalize polygamy..because then I'd marry him in a heartbeat. As long as he's happy. as long as we're happy. I just hate that he's getting the whole.. when are you getting married, thing

Poor guy.

Uh, bi poly whoredom is fun, but it's not the panacea to happy marriage.

We make it work, but it's work, it's not easy or obvious. Of course I think that living with other humans is not really in my nature and I'm fighting uphill to do that, but it's a fight I'm glad to wage.

Sex is never the problem, everything else has to be factored and that's a lot more of my waking day.

Relationships are work. Even sex is work, though it's an enjoyable sort of occupation. People forget this, and maybe that's where a lot of the problems come from. Or else they weren't suited to their particular relationship in the first place. Who knows?

*applaud*

although, as was said earlier, I think our marriage works because Malin and I talk so much about our desires, our wants, our hurts, our needs.. our marriage, that things dont have time to fester.

Yep, I really think that has a lot to do with it.



But, yeah, while I'm sad for my friends, it's been a bit of an ego boost for me because they keep coming to me and saying, "Ok, remind me how to do this independent woman thing again. You're so good at it, so that's why I'm asking you." I'm happy to oblige because I think everybody, male or female, needs to know how to fend for themselves and enjoy their own company.

 

[the captians wench]

Oh, God, I can imagine a long-distance relationship would make the questioning even worse! And I don't understand the push to settle down. I mean, I can understand younger folks thinking "This is what I'm supposed to do," but why do older folks push them so much, knowing they've seen marriage after marriage fall apart for that very reason? I suppose we don't learn from our mistakes.

Wenchie, I think if/when you ever do decide to get married again, it'll be for good this time because you've spent a lot of time "finding yourself," so to speak, and figuring out exactly what it is that you want and need.



*Rubs hands together evilly* "She's falling right into line with my evil plan." Hehehehe.

Thanks Bunny.

 

[the captians wench]

But, yeah, while I'm sad for my friends, it's been a bit of an ego boost for me because they keep coming to me and saying, "Ok, remind me how to do this independent woman thing again. You're so good at it, so that's why I'm asking you." I'm happy to oblige because I think everybody, male or female, needs to know how to fend for themselves and enjoy their own company.

And you know, this is the poin t my mom tried to make when I was getting married. She told me that you kind of have to know that you can do things on your own before you do them with some one else, just part of self development. Well I did it a little backwards, but she was right. The hardest thing for me to learn has been how to stand on my own two feet.

 

[intothewoods]

No, it was last summer!

I think you should get married because you want to be a family. Not necessarily have kids, but be a family and have a home. Not roomates, a home. It is work, and it has to be worth it.

 

[EmpressFi]

No, it was last summer!

I think you should get married because you want to be a family. Not necessarily have kids, but be a family and have a home. Not roomates, a home. It is work, and it has to be worth it.

I understand this.. But you dont need a "legal" marriage for that either. Right now, my "family" is my husband, my lover/Master, and Malin's lover. We dont all live in the same house, but we're family. I feel like I have two husbands and a sister. I know that Malin and Master love each other like brothers and well Master's getting to know Malin's OSO (other significant other).

Yes, we all need family, but I firmly believe that family is what you make it. These people that I let into my heart are my family.. and maybe that's another reason what we have works.

 

[intothewoods]

I understand this.. But you dont need a "legal" marriage for that either. Right now, my "family" is my husband, my lover/Master, and Malin's lover. We dont all live in the same house, but we're family. I feel like I have two husbands and a sister. I know that Malin and Master love each other like brothers and well Master's getting to know Malin's OSO (other significant other).

Yes, we all need family, but I firmly believe that family is what you make it. These people that I let into my heart are my family.. and maybe that's another reason what we have works.

Nope, you sure don't.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I don't know what's going on, but all my married friends are divorcing. Some have been married for years and years, but one couple hasn't even been married a year yet. What the hell?

Is it just that summer makes people restless and antsy? Is the moon in some kind of weird phase? Are the planets and the stars lined up just so? Or did the futility of marrying for stupid reasons (she was pregnant, or they thought that getting married is what you're "supposed" to do when you've been dating for awhile, or whatever) finally dawn on all of them and make them realize that a rash decision when you're young can make you miserable for years to come?

It makes me glad I managed to get out of the relationships I was in that were headed to the altar when I knew perfectly well it wasn't what I truly wanted. It also further cements my decision to never marry unless I truly can't live without the other person.

God knows, I hear it all the time. "You're 24, and you aren't married yet? When are you getting married? When are you having kids?" Um, hello. I haven't even finished school yet. What's the hurry? Luckily, I've heard it for so long that it pretty much just rolls right off my back nowadays.

Why the big push for the altar when it's not even the right thing for a person to do? And it's not just women. I've been with two different men who were hurrying me there, even when it was obvious I was unhappy. You'd think the fact that most marriages crash and burn spectacularly because the people in them were miserable would make people stop and think. And, let's face it, your early and mid-twenties (which is either where most of these people are now or were when they got married) usually aren't the best times to make such a commitment when you're in such a transitional period in your life, even though society as a whole certainly pushes you toward it.

This isn't meant as a rant against marriage or as a jab at those who are married or even to inspire any kind of serious conversation. It's more bewilderment than anything. It's just...WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND ME GETTING DIVORCED ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

I dont think it is just your friends Bunny, I think it is alot of people, America makes it too easy to get married and WAY too easy to divorce now days.. ALOT of people take the easy way out, When our grandparents were around it wasnt an option... I didnt want things to go the way they did with my marriage... But when you cant see eye to eye and you feel as if your own feelings dont matter at all... It is kind of impossible to fight for what you belive in against all odds... Dont rush and be yourself.. be proud of who you are....

 

[Essene]

Bunny,

Aside from trying to speculate the mindset of Americans regarding divorce, I kind of get what you mean.( I love you SK, and I agree to an extent, but I feel like I'm surrounded with it. )

Just the other day I was talking to my mother and she was telling me another woeful story about someone we know who is also splitting up.

I asked her if it was in the air - or I could just be sensitive to such things.

*shrug*

 

[catalina_francisco]

been there...

I find it mildly ironic that out of all our friend Malin and I are the only ones who are still with the same spouse they were with when we started dating. Every single couple is now divorced, except for us.. the poly kinky ones..

I think perhaps that is more a coincidence than proof positive that anything other than poly is bound to fail. Sorry Fi, and don't take it personal, but I do get tired of the prevalence here to keep claiming poly is the best and monogamy and/or traditional marriage oh so bad....and no, BB, I note you weren't doing that. To balance the books here, I heard this week of a poly relationship which blew up in the face of one of the primary partners who were planning their marriage but still and actively involved others...one of them ran off with one of the others involved in the relationship and left the primary partner they had been living with and poly based for a few years high and dry....so that seems to discount that poly will save a relationship too.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Finally, they canceled the wedding, and they are more happy in 12 years being together than most people are married. They let each other do their own thing, and that's pretty cool.

That is a good example, but what I find puzzling are there are a ton of people out there living together unhappily, as if they were married, and seemingly more committed to staying together even if it kills them than those who have married. When it comes right down to it, whether you marry, are poly, have just casual relationships, live together under the one roof, are monogamous etc., etc., the success or failure of your relationships are up to those involved, not whether they have a piece of paper linking them, or share the relationship with more than one partner.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Of course I think that living with other humans is not really in my nature and I'm fighting uphill to do that, but it's a fight I'm glad to wage.

LOL, in this we are so alike...one of the reasons I stayed single for so many years after divorce...animals can fill my house to bursting point, but humans?...another thing altogether and in no-way easy and another reason I have no desire to be poly, especially under the same roof.

Catalina

 

[minx1]

I know what you mean sometimes it does seem like everone is splitting at the same time. But then again relationships end all the time, whether you are married or not, in a traditional, monogomous, gay or poly relationship.

As others have said, relationships take work and its an unfortunate fact that some just don't want to put the work in.
Maybe people just grow apart. Perhaps because as we live longer and there is a greater period of time for people to change, its less likely for people to stay in the one relationship. Maybe in todays 'convenience' culture, its easier just to replace the broken one with another new one until that breaks.

I think divorce is much more acceptable in society these days but having been through it myself, I wouldn't say its easy to get divorced. Its a bloody painful process to go through and drains you financially and emotionally.
I didn't get married lightly. I married because I thought it would last. I intended it to be my lifelong relationship. To be fair to him, I don't think he got married on a whim either. We both believed it would last the duration. But it didn't. In our case because he took the convenience route and replaced our broken one. The problem is there are no guarantees. You can be 100% certain and committed when you walk down the isle to find yourself estranged and heading for the divorce courts a few years down the line.

Such is life,




Btw slight hijack. The thread title makes me smile.....reminds me of a camping supplies shop back home that used to have a sale sign outside saying 'this is the winter of our discount tents'. lmao