Turnabout

[NCmVoyeur]

OK. I think I've done enough yeoman's work on the feedback circuit of late that I can in good conscience throw out one of mine for critique. This is my latest, and as yet I've never really put it up for review.

[There are a few missing words, a 'he' that should be 'she' and a few other proof-reading things I discovered already in reading it aloud to someone (would that I had done that prior to submission--it really is a good way to self-proof)].

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47400

 

[Guest]

I'm jealous.
<sigh>

 

[Omni]

Since you asked here goes. Your descriptions are really good and they do flow nicely. For such an intricate piece about dancing you only lost me a few times on where each person was postioned and what movements they were making.
To me though it is hard to just read paragraph after paragraph of description without breaking it up. I think conversation would work really well and a few of your characters personal thoughts would bring the reader deeper into the story.
Also, why not name them? This helps me to become closer to the people in the story and not feel so seperated.
While visual is great there is also touch, feel, smell, and other things tactile.


One humble opinion,

Omni

<smile>

 

[Route66Girl]

NCmVoyeur,

I really love your concept. The grace and beauty of ballet can be intensely erotic, and I was pleased to see someone explore it. Also, some of the imagery was just gorgeous, particularly when you brought in light and shadow.

Omni is right that the description is somewhat hard to read through without something else to break it up. But I'm not sure you need to create dialogue, if I may so humbly disagree on that point. This story is short enough that you can probably get away without it.

If I'm not mistaken, you wanted everything to be spoken through their dance. That's the biggest challenge for you, as an author, in this piece. So, operating from that assumption, here's what I think you can do with the description to make it more engaging.

The flow was good in some places, but often the dance and progression of it was described in a series of "he did this. And then he did this. and then she did this." We need to know what their movements are, but if you could find a way to condense those things, or perhaps word them less technically, it might read better. Also, throw in more of what they're feeling in terms of touch, scent, etc., as Omni suggested.

But that seems to be the biggest problem: you need less technical, movement-by-movement description and more of how they're reacting to each other. Bring us closer to them in terms of what they're feeling.

Also, each character had their own paragraph dedicated to what they looked like. You avoided using measurements and so forth, which is good. But as visual as this story is, having the details of their physical attributes sprinkled throughout their dance together would have been more effective.

That's all I can think of for now. But I liked the piece. Good job!

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Thanks

Omni, Route66Girl, thanks for the comments.

The lack of dialogue and character thoughts was intentional: I wanted to create the effect of watching a sexual ballet. In ballet, there is no dialogue, nor is the audience privy to the thoughts of the dancers. Maybe that creates a conceptual flaw, as ballet is all about the sight and sound and the written medium can only convey that indirectly. It was difficult writing pure descripion, and the mixture of light, music, and movement that was in my head was difficult to capture on paper. But I was determined to make the attempt.

Not that I expected the readers to know this, but my prior stories had delved intensely into characters' thoughts (concluding with a Joycean stream-of-consciousness piece). 'Pirouette' was in part an attempt to swing the narrative pendulum completely in the other direction.

I thought the story had its moments, but I have to acknowledge my limitations as a ballet choreographer. It was a challenge to make it intelligible and interesting to read.

Route is right that I could have done more with facial expressions and character interaction, even while sticking to my concept.

Thanks, again.