Turn on the heat again

[KerrBear85]

How do you become sexually drawn to your spouse if that fire has pretty much sizzled out?

I do love him. We do spend time together. I love hanging out with him. But honestly, I cannot stand kissing him. I'm not very attracted to him anymore, unless he's working. . . And he's been gaining weight, which isn't helping. I don't mind a bit of a stocky man, but there is a limit. I'm pretty bias when it comes to chub. Women it's sexy and preferred. Men, not so much. . .

I have to really work hard on getting myself to want to be intimate with him. I can still orgasm with him but then I spend the rest of the sex session with him thinking about other men. . . This is because my husband doesn't like to cum. he squeezes it off again and again and then just keeps laying into me. I'm just not cut out to fucking like that anymore. I have to preoccupy my mind so that it doesn't hurt. . . Yes, I have told him this. No, he hasn't changed it. I just have to push him off and beat him off with a bat later cause he's still reved up cause he won't let himself release!

Is this why I'm not sexually charged for him anymore? Maybe it's something else. But I've even falling asleep when he's fucking me (not ramming, the slow fucking when he does it) and when he's eating me out. I dunno why I'm falling asleep. . .

Not sure what to do. Was hoping you guys had some pointers?

 

[Hypoxia]

I sometimes nearly fall asleep when performing oral. This perturbs my partner a bit. But I digress.

We had drifted apart sexually for a few years. Still great affection and loyalty and mutual need, but non-masturbatory sex dropped way off. Then, just a few months ago, a mental switch flipped. Maybe it was a realization that, unless we disastrously broke up and started over, we had better have sex with EACH OTHER if we wanted any sex at all. Since then, we suck and fuck whenever we have the strength, often a couple times a day. We are much happier.

Can you flip a mental switch so that you can "want to be intimate" with your husband? If so, can you change your husband's behavior by changing your own? If not, would your life be better with a different partner?

 

[silverwhisper]

you've already tried talking with him. did you tell him exactly how bad it is? i know yoiu want to spare his feelings--but you can't spare them too much or your point will be utterly lost.

i'm more troubled however by your saying you can't stand kissing him. most people don't change the way they kiss...so what's changed?

or is all of this ultimately really about his having let himself go? you mentioned already that you have a bias. how bad has it gotten?

ed

 

[Strawberryslip]

How do you become sexually drawn to your spouse if that fire has pretty much sizzled out?

I do love him. We do spend time together. I love hanging out with him. But honestly, I cannot stand kissing him. I'm not very attracted to him anymore, unless he's working. . . And he's been gaining weight, which isn't helping. I don't mind a bit of a stocky man, but there is a limit. I'm pretty bias when it comes to chub. Women it's sexy and preferred. Men, not so much. . .

I have to really work hard on getting myself to want to be intimate with him. I can still orgasm with him but then I spend the rest of the sex session with him thinking about other men. . . This is because my husband doesn't like to cum. he squeezes it off again and again and then just keeps laying into me. I'm just not cut out to fucking like that anymore. I have to preoccupy my mind so that it doesn't hurt. . . Yes, I have told him this. No, he hasn't changed it. I just have to push him off and beat him off with a bat later cause he's still reved up cause he won't let himself release!

Is this why I'm not sexually charged for him anymore? Maybe it's something else. But I've even falling asleep when he's fucking me (not ramming, the slow fucking when he does it) and when he's eating me out. I dunno why I'm falling asleep. . .

Not sure what to do. Was hoping you guys had some pointers?

That was my first sign that it was over with my first husband. Every time we kissed I had to control my gag reflex and I love kissing. I really hope you find a way around this if you still love him.

Do you love him as a man, or as someone you know deeply and "care" for?

 

[amofiga]

So what makes the flame die? It's one thing to have the initial "dating and fucking like bunnies" slow down. It's another thing to reach a point where kissing your partner "makes you gag" or you can't stand looking at them or that they work hard NOT to cum. Frankly, that all sounds a bit disfunctional, but that's just the opinion of someone who has no clue what's really going on in someone else's life.

It's sort of normal for the frequency of sex to slow and the "flames of passion" to subside once "familiarity" sets in. Those things might be stoked via some "out of the routine" activities like light bondage play, role play in a local motel or in a parked car behind the mall, or even watching some porn or reading erotica. However, the "you make me gag" or "I won't even cum with you" stuff might need some professional intervention. Those sorts of things might have their source in some other serious anger or mistrust issues and if not resolved, might really mean ending the relationship is for the best.

 

[KerrBear85]

That was my first sign that it was over with my first husband. Every time we kissed I had to control my gag reflex and I love kissing. I really hope you find a way around this if you still love him.

Do you love him as a man, or as someone you know deeply and "care" for?

I don't really gag or anything, it just doesn't turn me on. I try to avoid anything more than a quick peck here and there. I like it when he kisses me other places, just not on the lips. . . Like my check, neck, forehead, back. Anywhere, just not on my lips. I don't know if it's just him or not but I use to like kissing him.

And I don't know how to answer that last part. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in as it's my first marriage. I'm not sure what "old love" feels like. I know it's not the same as young love, but that's to be expected.

 

[Que]

I don't really gag or anything, it just doesn't turn me on. I try to avoid anything more than a quick peck here and there. I like it when he kisses me other places, just not on the lips. . . Like my check, neck, forehead, back. Anywhere, just not on my lips. I don't know if it's just him or not but I use to like kissing him.

And I don't know how to answer that last part. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in as it's my first marriage. I'm not sure what "old love" feels like. I know it's not the same as young love, but that's to be expected.

kissing I feel is diagnostic..

lack of sex or bad sex is usually diagnostic of underlying anger...you HAVE been open about your feelings here and are (reasonably) angry it seems about for example him letting himself go...

I don't know to what extent MMSL (married man sex life - athol kaye's marital game help site/ blog / book / forum) has expanded to help in the girl-game arena but you might steer him there if he is amenable to improving things...doesn't sound like it from your perspective..

he sounds complacent and you need to work on you to be the best you to motivate him, or be ready for your next relationship.

I was doing therapy and realized that my (then) wife and I didn't make out anymore...didn't even kiss during sex...I THOUGHT at the time that it was somehow being caused by something projected from my end. I grew up in a minimally demonstrative family, she seemed ultra huggy and kissy with the kids.

She said when I suggested we re-incorporate that..."once you start fucking, kissing becomes pointless." I should have fled then.

I had held out for marriage over her vociferous objections...I LIKED the makeout sessions when we were struggling to remain chaste. She like a dude was apparently putting in time trying to get me to weaken and fuck her.

He mom had been a sex worker. She had seen the lack of intimacy between mom and her "dates" i suspect. Kissing was something moms do with their kids, not between grown-ups who only do grownup things in the back bedroom.

So yeah...if dont want to kiss him, why bother fucking is my view.

 

[njlauren]

It sounds to me like you don't want to be intimate with him, and that isn't a good sign. Kissing, touching, are all part of intimacy, and then when you guys have sex, you basically are complaining that he simply rams it in, which means there is no intimacy there, either......and you don't like that, either.I don't think the problem is sex, I think the problem is that for some reason you don't really want to be intimate with him at ll, sexually or otherwise. It could be he physically turns you off, despite all the talk about how love is beyond skin deep, how the outside doesn't matter, it does.....and I would ask yourself a question, when did intimacy die off? Did it in fact happen when he put on some pounds, got out of shape? If so, then that is probably your answer.........

By the way, I don't think women necessarily are different in that when they put on weight, they are considered cuter or whatever, it depends on the person. I have seen guys who get turned off when their wife put on some weight (and to me were still gorgeous), others who when their wife put on weight, couldn't stop going after her, so it is all depends....


The real question here is do you still love him? Is the problem his looks, or have you really fallen out of love with him? To me it, sounds like it may be more deep than the way he looks, that there are other issues with him. There are always options, but going through a relationship miserable is not a great way to do it, I think you need to decide what you want. If you need him to work on trying to get back into shape for you, tell him that, and quite honestly you are setting yourself up for something more ugly later on if you aren't honest with him. Eventually, you either will resent him and get into a pattern of being angry, or you will go outside, which will prob lead to more ugliness down the road. If you are having trouble deciding what you want or need, a therapist or counselor can help you figure out what you need; without that, coupes counseling would be a waste of time.