Turn husband into a Dom?

[EmmaBee303]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

 

[cookiecat]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

What is it you need?

If you've had the conversation with him and he doesn't want to, then no. You can't make him be Dominant.

But you can help it along by "submitting" to him and allow him to see the benefit in "dominating" you.

I'm using quotes because this feels like role play in the bedroom - a little kinky fun when you're having sex. Which is great! It's a fun way to explore D/s.

What does he like when it comes to sex? (I realize I'm making an assumption this is about sex and not a lifestyle change). Why not serve him sexually? Kneel between his legs, serve his cock. Tell him you love it when he puts his hands in your hair. Choke yourself on his cock.

Can you watch porn you like to give him an idea of what you want? Read a story together that has elements of what turns you on? Can you ask him what turns him on?

I dated a vanilla guy I really liked. I asked him to spank me and he was horrified. Said he could never hit a girl. I knew we couldn't keep dating. Maybe that's how your guy sees "dominance"?

Anyways, I think you have a challenge ahead of you. With open communication, honest talk about your desires, listening to his needs, you might get your needs met. Good luck

 

[HappyToBeAlive]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

I got the same question... my wife will not dominate me... I am giving up already

 

[cookiecat]

I got the same question... my wife will not dominate me... I am giving up already

What have you done to get her interested in dominating you?

Have you submitted to her? Served her? Shown her how it could be beneficial for her to top / dominate you? Could you rub her feet one night and tell her you love to make her feel good?

What does being dominated mean?

How are you fulfilling her needs by getting your needs met??

Not being snarky. I'm curious how you've approached this with her?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

This is a fantastic question, and Cookie did a wonderful job of addressing many of the relevant questions.

I, myself, was on the other end of this situation nearly two decades ago when my up to then husband confessed to me that he needed me to Domme him. I tried to the best of my ability, after the shock wore off. Sadly, I was unable to be what he needed, no matter how committed I was to that marriage, I'm just not a Domme. In the process, however, I did find myself. all of the things that had never made sense about me, finally did. I found my submissive self.

The following article was originally written by jade of Castlerealm. Sadly, that site no longer exists due to jade's passing, but many of the articles are housed elsewhere. It is a fantastic place to begin, or to reground yourself in your own submission, I find.



Dom Me, Dammit!
And I REALLY Mean It This Time

A Common Problem When Vanilla Turns Kinky
Some Tips and Hints for the submissive partner.

by
jade

A Common Issue

Perhaps one of the most common complaints we get from submissives who are in marriages or relationships that are moving from vanilla to D/s is this one: "I want to be dommed and my husband/wife isn't doing what I need." The frustration level these new subs are experiencing is overwhelming and I'm sure their partner is in the same boat. For many couples, this period of uncertainty can make or break the foundation of a healthy power exchange and any hope of changing the dynamics of their relationship.

There are many factors that come into play as we begin to sort out the tangled nerves and disappointments. While every couple is different, we find many common threads in unraveling the problems of their budding Master/sub alliance. Identifying the problem is the beginning of a solution and the purpose of this article. Here are some of the most common:

Past Roles in the Relationship - Probably the biggest factor in the failures of vanilla to kink relationships. For years the wife has worn the pants in the family and suddenly she wants hubby to take over. Her intentions are great but her partner knows her all too well and isn't surprised when she barks out orders as he tries to exercise his new-found dominance. Sometimes it isn't this obvious, but the results are the same: He balks at taking the reins because of years of being the one under the whip.

Lack of Knowledge - Another prime cause of potential failure to make the transition. Both people in the relationship may want the change but neither has enough experience or knowledge about the complexities of a D/s relationship to take the first steps out of the bedroom. They find the sexual aspects very satisfying but seem to fall flat when dealing with the psychological effects of changing roles. Martha loved being tied up and having passionate sex but dug her heels in when asked to fetch a cup of coffee for "master."

Lack of Experience - Reading about something and doing it are light-years apart. Both parties were aroused as they read a chapter in "Screw the Roses" but were left cold when it didn't "feel" like it said it would in the book. "Didn't it say that the sub was supposed to like nipple clamps? Then why did it hurt like hell when my bungling dominant husband tried them on me?" Experience in how to use toys and how to motivate the submissive's desire to surrender take time and practice.

Moving Too Fast and Expecting Too Much - Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your D/s relationship. It takes time to grow into these new roles and years before you reach a point where you both can anticipate the needs of the other in something as difficult as a power exchange. When someone tells you that they learned all they needed to know about being a dom or sub in 6 months they were either wannabes or playing on the surface. A Dominant/submissive alliance takes time and work to build foundations of trust, respect and patience to get to the 24/7 type of situation you may desire. In the beginning it's a struggle to maintain it for more than a few hours or days at a time. No one can go from vanilla one day to a 24/7 in a week.

Fear - Very often the reason a relationship bogs down. One or both in the partnership do not trust enough to move beyond the first steps. It might be fear grounded in past experiences or just fear of the unknown or failure. Subbies, take note; more often than not, it's the dominant who has the most fear. Taking on the responsibilities required in being the "boss" is overwhelming to some dominants. They struggle with conflicts regarding failure, society's view of their role and fear of injuring you emotionally, physically or spiritually. Nagging won't help the situation either.

Growth Differences - Another big one. Submissives jump into their roles much quicker than dominants. It's part of their nature. Dominants need to ease into things, check out all the possibilities, feel secure in their position and confident in their abilities. Submissives seem to rush into it and throw themselves on the fires of martyrdom, especially with someone they already love and trust.

So Where Do I Go From Here?

I can tell you where NOT to go: to an online Master instead of your partner. This is one of the most damaging things that happens in a marriage that tries to go from vanilla to D/s. If you want your s/o (significant other) to eventually be your Master/Mistress, then direct your attention to them, not someone outside the relationship. Not only does this cause you to have conflicting feelings of loyalty and fidelity, it undermines the confidence of your real-life partner. Trust is the essence of a D/s relationship and I can see little room for trust when a submissive is carrying on an affair online with another dominant. Even with permission from your s/o, you are likely headed for some serious problems. You are going to get conflicting information, expectations and emotions when you try to serve two masters. Comparison of the two dominants is inevitable and does nothing but create difficulties for you and your real-life mate. Very few submissives can keep their hearts out of the symbiosis between dominant and submissive, so don't fool yourself with the idea you can play online and turn off the bond that develops between you and your "cyber-master" when you shut down the computer. This also goes for offline playing at scene parties and groups.

Focus your submissive eyes on your s/o. Start working on "you" before you work on them. Learn what being submissive truly means and put that knowledge to work within your relationship. There are many ways you can begin to practice your skills while your dominant is testing the waters and not yet able to assume his/her eventual role as Master/Mistress. Help build their confidence by deferring your decisions to them. Nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, brings out those dominant feelings like you showing your submissive side. Show them you are changing and willing to accept their control. In order to do this you have to give up control first. Very few new dominants are going to wrestle the reins from your hands. Lay them down gently...and let them alone.

You are going to have to show your vulnerability in order to evoke those protective feelings from your dominant. Doing this isn't always easy and the temptation to control the situation is a powerful urge to overcome, but you can do it with practice. Years of previous behavior are not going to suddenly vanish and neither is your s/o's reactions to their memories of past events.

You are going to have to do some serious damage control to give him/her the courage to try to be in the driver's seat if you were the type who always grabbed the steering wheel. Don't expect your s/o to "take" command from you if you were always the ruling partner. You are going to have to make this control a "gift" and place it at their feet. Be prepared; it might take them some time to gain enough confidence and trust to pick it up for fear of having it torn from their hands, as it was in the past.

Some Helpful Tips and Guidelines

I know you're anxious to get started and those submissive feelings are bubbling over inside you, but you have some work ahead of you. Keep this in mind: Though it may be an effort to make this succeed, you will reap benefits that will last a lifetime. As an added bonus, while you work toward this goal, you are developing your own submissive instincts and skills. This looks like a win/win situation to me. *grin*

Count Your Blessings Daily - You may not have the perfect dominant yet, but you are much better off than those poor souls who have a s/o who won't even discuss the idea of a power exchange. Your partner is interested, so you are fortunate and have a great chance to work on the lifestyle you have dreamed of.

Continue to Learn - Spend time learning more about the lifestyle, activities and psychology of a submissive. Share what you've learned with your partner in a non-threatening way. A statement like "Dear, may I tell you what I read about submission today?" will work far better than "Listen to what I read about what a dominant should do!" The second statement will only build resentment and give him doubts about his own dominance over you.

Stop Topping From the Bottom - This is a big one and should be at the top of the list if you are guilty of it. A typical example is found in this statement "I told you not to let me get away with doing certain things. Tell me to stop doing it!!" You are taking control of the relationship by guiding how your partner will control you and when. A submissive's place is not to tell a dominant how to do anything unless he/she asks. A much better way to handle it would be to say "I need help to overcome doing certain things. Is there a way you might be able to help me?" You've shown your willingness to ask, you've expressed your confidence in his ability, you've been vulnerable by asking for help, and you have put the reins in the dominant's hands. Not bad for a few simple words.

Be Careful About Making Suggestions or Offering Criticism - This one is a twin sister to "topping from the bottom." Avoid making suggestions during a scene or any attempt at taking control. Nothing can deflate a new dominant's ego faster than hearing "I want you to tie my hands like this instead of what you are doing" or "You aren't spanking me hard enough...do it harder!" While this information might be appreciated at another time, it won't win you points if you offer it while he's trying to practice his dominant skills. Wait for a better opportunity to say. "I loved how you bound me when we made love last night and I'd like to try something that I've fantasized about" and then go on with your suggestion if he seems receptive. Or..."I found the spanking you gave me very erotic and enjoyed it. I think I'm ready to try a bit more the next time." and then tell him what is you are ready for. You have not belittled his attempts to take a dominant role and you have shown him you appreciated what he did and desire to take it a little farther.

Start Asking Permission for Things - A good way to spark a dominant's hunger for control is to give him a sample or two. One of the easiest ways is to begin asking for permission for simple things. Ask to be excused when you must leave the room or for permission to go to bed. Start using his/her title when doing it. "Master, may I be excused for a few minutes?", "Master, may I watch tonight?" or "Mistress, may I please go to bed now?" are only a few examples. You've put the decision in his hands, required a response and shown that they have control of this situation. Don't expect miracles at first. Many new dominants may seem to ignore your request because it made them feel a little uncomfortable or even foolish. Sit patiently and wait for a reply and repeat the request only if necessary. In time they'll develop a taste for it and will be quick to remind you when you forget to show that courtesy another time.

Begin to Ask for Opinions and Advice - Simple things and yet they can do a lot for building trust and confidence in your dominant. Asking what outfit you should wear to work or how to deal with a problem with a neighbor are examples. A word of caution: When you ask for opinions or advice...Take it! You want to do some real undermining of their control? Ask what outfit you should wear and then don't wear what he suggested. The next time you are likely to hear "Do whatever you want like you usually do." More than once I had to smile when looking at a blouse that didn't quite match my skirt because I asked what one I should wear. The final results of doing this were beneficial to both of us. Master has developed a better sense of color coordination and I no longer have to decide what to wear because He picks out all my clothing.

Stop Expecting To Be Forced Into Submission - It only happens in books or abusive relationships. Submission is given, not torn from you. If you think you are not acting submissive because your s/o isn't making you submissive, then you're only deluding yourself. Save those fantasies about being forced to your knees to serve your master for your scenes. Most of us have those kinds of "Beauty" fantasies and like to act them out now and then, but you can't live them and expect to be happy. Your submissive nature can't be fed unless it's a willing and consensual act of surrender. Go to a battered women's group and see first hand what "forced" submission is all about. Accept responsibility for your successes or failures in your own submissive-ness. A good dominant can bring out those feelings in you and help you go deeper and deeper into yourself, but your submission depends on your own desires and needs to give and to please.

Be Patient - "I want it, and I want it NOW!" is not the battle cry of the submissive army. Learning to wait is a lesson we all need to practice. It's not easy to wait for the day when you feel your dominant's foot on your neck, and feel his authority over you, but there are things that can fulfill you long before that day arrives. Pleasing your dominant and making them happy just might come from backing off a little and giving them time to grow to the level you've reached. Once they get there, you might find out you are the one that needs to grow most of all. Most of the submissives I've known have remarked at some point or another: "I used to long for the time when my Master would really dominate me and now I have to struggle to give him the control he wants." You have no idea how hard it can be to submit all the time until you get there so don't be in such a hurry. You aren't ready for it any more than your dominant is. Be patient for both of your sakes.

Learn to Control Your Tongue - When a long-time dom I knew was asked "What was the hardest part of training your submissive?" he replied, "Controlling her tongue. I knew until it was under control I had no control of her mind or body at all. Her sex was the easiest part because it received the pleasure from her submission. Her tongue gives up the most and gets nothing in return." That little muscle can get you in more trouble and damage the self-confidence of a novice dominant faster than any single part of you. The tongue reflects the condition of your heart and mind, so train it well. It will speak literally of the depth of your submission.

Create a Home Filled With Harmony and Peace - Make him the Master of his own home and you have half the battle won. Find a special joy in tending to household duties that keep things in order and build a pleasant physical environment, and your s/o might be more likely to provide you with a safe environment for your submissive nature. We all respond to the things around us, and positive changes in your home will not go unnoticed by a new dominant who is checking for any signs that there have been changes in your attitude or the relationship. He/she will measure their success as the "Master/Mistress" of the house by some very unlikely yardsticks. Taking care of your dominant's property can be very pleasant for a submissive. Remember, you are also part of their property, so taking a little extra care to make sure you are well tended will be appreciated too.

There are no limits in the number of things that could go on this list. Every couple has special areas that the submissive can work on to give evidence of their devotion and love to the dominant in their life. A D/s relationship is like a garden. (Where have you head that before? lol) It can only yield what you've planted and won't grow if you don't sacrifice to tend and nurture it. I've never seen one rose open because someone screamed, "Bloom, dammit" and your relationship is no different.

Some additional information that might help:
Changing Flavors - A Couple's Guide to Getting Started
http://web.archive.org/web/20050308084642/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/flavor.shtml
The Garden - An Analogy of a D/s Relationship
http://web.archive.org/web/20050308084642/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/garden.shtml
Introducing Your Mate to D/s - The First Steps
http://web.archive.org/web/20050308084642/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/introduce.shtml
Self-Taught Submission - A Key to Success
http://web.archive.org/web/20050308084642/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/sucess.shtml

Good luck to all, and I hope this has been helpful.
~Angie/Faith

 

[yukonnights]

First a big thanks to you 'littlebirdjoy'. That was a nice bit of advice and suggestions. Plus a bundle of links for more — nice Christams gift to us all ~

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

To an important extent I think yes — submissiveness and dominance are inborn traits. We can actually see it in young children. Also, society plays a big role in confusing us as we work our way through the years — it actually starts imprinting the "accepted social expectations" at an early age. I think this is where things get balled up. For example, I was raised to the tune of little girls being sweet and soft and boys being tough and strong. There was no distinction — no place, for strong little girls or sensitive little boys. So it's not really surprising that many folks are confused about both dominance and submissive personalities.

My only suggestion to your direct question is to study what 'littlebirdjoy' posted, ponder your husband in an objective way, watching his usual behavior and demeanor with your question in mind. It does seem to me that your question is the first step in this and hopefully some of the info in this thread can get you pointed in the right way to figure him out.

 

[clistenovena]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

You really can't turn your husband into a Dominant. Dominant or submissive, those come from inherent traits. One either is, or is not. And with name-calling in place, the situation does seem less than optimistic.

And that's unfortunate. And somewhat unfair. Getting angry and/or upset with someone for not being what you wish they would be tends to create such animosity. I mean, he can't help being who he is anymore than you can help being who you are.

All that said, with communication, perhaps you two can delve into activities that will satisfy you both. Hopefully, you two can find a happy place to play together.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you, yukonnights, that made my day ♡

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you, yukonnights, that made my day ♡

Oh, I think you're just saying that to be nice. I get the impression that you're settled comfortably enough in your own skin to have good days most every day ~

 

[Master_Doctor]

If I had a dollar for every wife who has asked me this question

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

In all my years experience being an Alpha and Master/ Dom. Ive come across this question literally countless times. As married woman realize later in life that they need more than vanilla sex to meet their needs... many times they have a loving husband who is just not oblivious... but in all honesty completely incapable of giving her what she needs. Ive been asked at least 300 times, can you teach my husband to be a Dominant. The answer is sadly No. In my experience and my professional opinion. They have to have that spark in their soul. Just like you cant teach a man to be romantic. He either is... or isnt. You can not teach a man anything that he has no desire to learn.

You can teach skills, you can teach someone to be a Service Top... yes. But to have the desire to dominate another person. No. that can not be taught.

With healthy respects to the OP. I have yet to see one, in all my communities ive been a part of in two and a half decades. I have seen a couple who were dominant/ alpha personalities become Dominants... but that is what happened to most Doms when we found out what we truly are.... so totally different thing.

The reason why your husband doesnt comprehend the sense of urgency is because he doesnt have a clue why someone needs to be dominated or needs to become a Dom to begin with. That right there... the lack of interest is all you need to know... you can not teach him to be a Dominant. Im sorry.

MD

 

[littlebirdjoy]

@ Master Doctor.. you make a great point which got buried in there: " you can teach skills. You can teach someone to Service Top" ( * tips hat to you* for bringing that term back up for discussion.)
Alright, so there is an underlying assumption that the OP ( or women in this position) need to be D/s submissives because we hear the question and ASSUME they have the correct vocabulary. They probably dont yet! It may well be that the OP would be tickled pink ( har har) to bottom for her husband if he could learn to be a service top.
I'm going to ask my Lord if he will log in and chime in here later, as his upbringing puts him in a perfect position to answer... but until then, can you elaborate?
Plenty of users on every side of the slash could do with some idea where to start learning a useful SAFE skill set.

 

[Blackandstrong]

The reason why your husband doesnt comprehend the sense of urgency is because he doesnt have a clue why someone needs to be dominated or needs to become a Dom to begin with. That right there... the lack of interest is all you need to know... you can not teach him to be a Dominant. Im sorry.

MD

Nonsense and typical ‘professional arrogance’, if I might be so bold. Domination absolutely can be a learned skill in exactly the same way as anything else, be it chess or playing the violin. I’d respectively suggest you do some research on the concept of 10,000 purposeful hours before dissuading the OP from even trying to find what she seeks from her husband.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Nonsense and typical ‘professional arrogance’, if I might be so bold. Domination absolutely can be a learned skill in exactly the same way as anything else, be it chess or playing the violin. I’d respectively suggest you do some research on the concept of 10,000 purposeful hours before dissuading the OP from even trying to find what she seeks from her husband.

Talk about a personal attack. Sheesh. There is a difference between teaching a skill and instilling a character trait. Yes, he can learn to top or be a service Dom... but the INNATE character trait " a dominant" is different. Verb v. Adjective.

 

[Acktion]

Nonsense and typical ‘professional arrogance’, if I might be so bold. Domination absolutely can be a learned skill in exactly the same way as anything else, be it chess or playing the violin. I’d respectively suggest you do some research on the concept of 10,000 purposeful hours before dissuading the OP from even trying to find what she seeks from her husband.

That was rather bold. And I'm afraid that you are incorrect in one major premise of your supposition.

The 10k purposeful hours is a valid strategy to learn a skill. However, those purposeful hours only come about because the person being required to put in those purposeful hours is interested in acquiring the skill.

To wit; as a youngster, only knee-high to a grasshopper, I was a sickly, runty little thing. I was not allowed outside much, and was more often than not relegated to the library when other children of my cohort were allowed out onto the playground for recess.

Thanks to an inquisition's worth of medical treatments as well as that best medicine of all, time, I outgrew my childhood maladies. Just in time for athletics to become "the thing."

Needless to say, I was behind the curve.

But, I wanted it. I wanted it very badly.

And I embarked on just such as you mention, putting in many more hours than any save Olympic hopefuls would find sane.

Six years later, I was honored as not just one of the best in my local area, but among the best in the state at my chosen sport. Because, while I had no natural ability, and in fact had many issues that had to be overcome just to reach a similar starting point with my cohort, I wanted it.

In the case of BDSM... I was able to learn skills, yes. I did not start off knowing how to tie bondage knots for a suspension rigging. I did not start off knowing how to deliver stinging or thudding swats with crops, paddles, floggers, canes, or eight foot braided leather bullwhip. I did not start off knowing wax play, ice play, and other sensation plays. I did not start off knowing breathplay, blade play, electro-play, or any of a thousand other little things.

And I did not start off knowing how to be Dominant. Not in any healthy way.

My first experience was the antithesis of a healthy relationship. Oh, I Dominated her, right enough. I Dominated the fuck out of her. She changed her major in college to the one I told her to. She read the books I told her to. She wore the clothes I told her to. She talked only to the people I told her to and no one I didn't.

Although I didn't understand enough at that point, what we really did was to reinvent the 24/7 M/s dynamic. But, in all the worst ways. Primarily because I was coming from a place that I was not doing any of it for her, out of any love or respect for her, but to appease my own ego and boost my own confidence that I could control her so. And my one club in my Domination arsenal was just "my way, or the highway."

Thank God she retained enough of her soul to kick my ass to the curb that ninth and final time!

Because I have learned enough since to understand just how bad... just how abusive that relationship was. Not physically, no. But, mentally and emotionally.

And there, too, I put in the hours and learned how to become a Dominant in healthy ways. Healthy for me. Healthy for her.

Over the last three decades, I have put in way more than ten thousand hours. And if I have learned anything, it is that those ten thousand hours are just the beginning when it comes to learning to be a Dominant. And, that... well, perhaps the clock doesn't reset with each new relationship with a new submissive, but several of the hours will have to be redone.


***shrug*** And I understand that will hit many the exact wrong way, on both sides of the slash. A Master should be Master with or without a slave. Only the slave should have a learning curve, should be trained to serve their Master/Mistress. That's what all the books say, after all. But, my experiences just haven't worked that way. Whether as Master, as Daddy, as Sir, as whatever stripe of Dominant, I had to put in the time to learn each new submissive, what they responded favorably to, what they didn't. How we fit.

But, it all comes back to desire.

You are theoretically correct in that the OP could top from the bottom and train her spouse to be the Leader of their little pack. But, the one thing you can't train, not into anyone, is the heart, the desire to want to become. The interest. Which her post clearly indicates that he just doesn't have.

Now, if he was interested, you bet I'd have all kinds of stuff to say, starting with recommending Peter Master's "Control Book" or The Warren's "Loving Dominant" to read just as basic primers. Or, hell, the library stickied right at the top of this screen, for fuck's sake!

But, I can't do a heart transplant. And if his heart isn't in it...

Well, you can lead a horse to water, but no matter how many tricks you try... throwing carrots in the water... trying to convince it that it is a fish rather than a horse... you just can't MAKE it drink. All you can do is get it there and hope it realizes it is thirsty.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

~snip~


***shrug*** And I understand that will hit many the exact wrong way, on both sides of the slash. A Master should be Master with or without a slave. Only the slave should have a learning curve, should be trained to serve their Master/Mistress. That's what all the books say, after all. But, my experiences just haven't worked that way. Whether as Master, as Daddy, as Sir, as whatever stripe of Dominant, I had to put in the time to learn each new submissive, what they responded favorably to, what they didn't. How we fit.

Standing ovation as always, but *BUH* Who EVER says THAT load of horse dookey? Good grief! I'd be shocked if anyone disagrees with what you just said. If they do, I don't want to know them, and good luck to the person who decides to play with them. Sheesh.

 

[Blackandstrong]

That was rather bold. And I'm afraid that you are incorrect in one major premise of your supposition.

The 10k purposeful hours is a valid strategy to learn a skill. However, those purposeful hours only come about because the person being required to put in those purposeful hours is interested in acquiring the skill.

To wit; as a youngster, only knee-high to a grasshopper, I was a sickly, runty little thing. I was not allowed outside much, and was more often than not relegated to the library when other children of my cohort were allowed out onto the playground for recess.

Thanks to an inquisition's worth of medical treatments as well as that best medicine of all, time, I outgrew my childhood maladies. Just in time for athletics to become "the thing."

Needless to say, I was behind the curve.

But, I wanted it. I wanted it very badly.

And I embarked on just such as you mention, putting in many more hours than any save Olympic hopefuls would find sane.

Six years later, I was honored as not just one of the best in my local area, but among the best in the state at my chosen sport. Because, while I had no natural ability, and in fact had many issues that had to be overcome just to reach a similar starting point with my cohort, I wanted it.

In the case of BDSM... I was able to learn skills, yes. I did not start off knowing how to tie bondage knots for a suspension rigging. I did not start off knowing how to deliver stinging or thudding swats with crops, paddles, floggers, canes, or eight foot braided leather bullwhip. I did not start off knowing wax play, ice play, and other sensation plays. I did not start off knowing breathplay, blade play, electro-play, or any of a thousand other little things.

And I did not start off knowing how to be Dominant. Not in any healthy way.

My first experience was the antithesis of a healthy relationship. Oh, I Dominated her, right enough. I Dominated the fuck out of her. She changed her major in college to the one I told her to. She read the books I told her to. She wore the clothes I told her to. She talked only to the people I told her to and no one I didn't.

Although I didn't understand enough at that point, what we really did was to reinvent the 24/7 M/s dynamic. But, in all the worst ways. Primarily because I was coming from a place that I was not doing any of it for her, out of any love or respect for her, but to appease my own ego and boost my own confidence that I could control her so. And my one club in my Domination arsenal was just "my way, or the highway."

Thank God she retained enough of her soul to kick my ass to the curb that ninth and final time!

Because I have learned enough since to understand just how bad... just how abusive that relationship was. Not physically, no. But, mentally and emotionally.

And there, too, I put in the hours and learned how to become a Dominant in healthy ways. Healthy for me. Healthy for her.

Over the last three decades, I have put in way more than ten thousand hours. And if I have learned anything, it is that those ten thousand hours are just the beginning when it comes to learning to be a Dominant. And, that... well, perhaps the clock doesn't reset with each new relationship with a new submissive, but several of the hours will have to be redone.


***shrug*** And I understand that will hit many the exact wrong way, on both sides of the slash. A Master should be Master with or without a slave. Only the slave should have a learning curve, should be trained to serve their Master/Mistress. That's what all the books say, after all. But, my experiences just haven't worked that way. Whether as Master, as Daddy, as Sir, as whatever stripe of Dominant, I had to put in the time to learn each new submissive, what they responded favorably to, what they didn't. How we fit.

But, it all comes back to desire.

You are theoretically correct in that the OP could top from the bottom and train her spouse to be the Leader of their little pack. But, the one thing you can't train, not into anyone, is the heart, the desire to want to become. The interest. Which her post clearly indicates that he just doesn't have.

Now, if he was interested, you bet I'd have all kinds of stuff to say, starting with recommending Peter Master's "Control Book" or The Warren's "Loving Dominant" to read just as basic primers. Or, hell, the library stickied right at the top of this screen, for fuck's sake!

But, I can't do a heart transplant. And if his heart isn't in it...

Well, you can lead a horse to water, but no matter how many tricks you try... throwing carrots in the water... trying to convince it that it is a fish rather than a horse... you just can't MAKE it drink. All you can do is get it there and hope it realizes it is thirsty.

“But it all comes back to desire”.

No, you are wrong. It all comes back to motivation. Desire and motivation are two very different things when it it comes to purposeful hours learning something. 10,000 hours that aren’t purposeful are simply a waste of time. Pleased you at least acknowledge that a Dom is simply ‘wired differently’ is hogwash. This does mean that the OP’s husband can learn to be a Dom if sufficiently motivated - this is exactly the point I made. She should not give up and instead search how his motivation to be dominant might be achieved.

 

[amofiga]

I'm of the opinion that being a dom is more a basic personality trait that probably can't be "taught" in the sense that you can change someone's basic make up. However, that being said, I think you CAN teach someone to be a top in a sexual setting. If you're looking for someone to be a 24/7 dom then it's not something that you'll do to "clue someone in". Teaching them how to be your master and take charge during sex can be learned if you work with them and show them some examples of what you want. Show them some films or videos or read them some stories. If you desire to be spanked or bound or subjected to some relatively rough sex, then that can be taught and learned. It can be part of a scene. However, if you want someone to suddenly become James Bond, that has to be part of someone's nature and come from some place in the soul.

 

[Master_Doctor]

Nonsense and typical ‘professional arrogance’, if I might be so bold. Domination absolutely can be a learned skill in exactly the same way as anything else, be it chess or playing the violin. I’d respectively suggest you do some research on the concept of 10,000 purposeful hours before dissuading the OP from even trying to find what she seeks from her husband.

I couldnt disagree more strongly. Ive lived the lifestyle for over 23 years. I live in Lifestyle communities during most of that time. Ive seen countless wives like the OP try to teach it. As ive stated before... you cant Teach someone to DESIRE to dominate someone. They either do or done. Just like you cant teach someone to be a great Pianist. They may learn the basics...of reading music.. but they can never be good at it unless the drive is in their soul or personality. Ive seen people try over and over... and unless the person in question already had the desire / dream to do it... ive seen the experiment fail every time.

Motivation. Is at the very heart of what is in a persons heart. You could argue that a person could be motivated to be a great Pianist (from the above example) but unless they have that creative ability in their genetics, soul, personality traits... it will fail. They may very well after countless hours be somewhat proficient at the art. But they will never be great at it, or inspire others in that craft.

I suggest you ask any submissive who has played with both a service Top, and a real Dom. They can tell the difference in the first few moments. The service top can very well have better technical skill at say swinging a flogger for instance... but the Dom... can bring the S type to places (in their heart, mind, soul) that the service top just cant do. No Offense intended to any service top. I have many as good friends. They would agree with my take. They are service tops (as the name implies) because they desire to serve and give themselves to others.

Another example. I can walk into a room, meeting a sub for the first time in person. I am told constantly that they could feel my presence when I entered the room... and when I merely looked into their eyes... and that... presence was what at our Core defined our dynamic and made them feel extremely submissive. This is something, that can absolutely NOT be taught. It is something deep within me... however you prefer to define it... but it was nothing I learned from a book or other people.

Experience, not academics in this case. If anyone here is acting Arrogant, its the person who looks at you in the mirror.

 

[Blackandstrong]

I couldnt disagree more strongly. Ive lived the lifestyle for over 23 years. I live in Lifestyle communities during most of that time. Ive seen countless wives like the OP try to teach it. As ive stated before... you cant Teach someone to DESIRE to dominate someone. They either do or done. Just like you cant teach someone to be a great Pianist. They may learn the basics...of reading music.. but they can never be good at it unless the drive is in their soul or personality. Ive seen people try over and over... and unless the person in question already had the desire / dream to do it... ive seen the experiment fail every time.

Motivation. Is at the very heart of what is in a persons heart. You could argue that a person could be motivated to be a great Pianist (from the above example) but unless they have that creative ability in their genetics, soul, personality traits... it will fail. They may very well after countless hours be somewhat proficient at the art. But they will never be great at it, or inspire others in that craft.

I suggest you ask any submissive who has played with both a service Top, and a real Dom. They can tell the difference in the first few moments. The service top can very well have better technical skill at say swinging a flogger for instance... but the Dom... can bring the S type to places (in their heart, mind, soul) that the service top just cant do. No Offense intended to any service top. I have many as good friends. They would agree with my take. They are service tops (as the name implies) because they desire to serve and give themselves to others.

Another example. I can walk into a room, meeting a sub for the first time in person. I am told constantly that they could feel my presence when I entered the room... and when I merely looked into their eyes... and that... presence was what at our Core defined our dynamic and made them feel extremely submissive. This is something, that can absolutely NOT be taught. It is something deep within me... however you prefer to define it... but it was nothing I learned from a book or other people.

Experience, not academics in this case. If anyone here is acting Arrogant, its the person who looks at you in the mirror.

The original OP asked a very simple question and the answer is also very simple. If her husband is motivated to dominate her, he will be able to do so. To say that he can’t because he doesn’t have it in his heart, is factually untrue and misleading to many reading this forum.

Please don’t Pedestalise dominance as something that it isn’t. It’s basically very simple and anyone suitably motivated can achieve it to the level that I suspect the OP wishes it to be achieved at. Perhaps you should ask her what level of dominance she desires before jumping into an assumption about what type of Dom she is looking for and pontificating about that it can’t be achieved because Doms are so, so special people that you can’t become one. They really, really are not. Surely your ego doesn’t get in the way of you seeing that?

 

[Master_Doctor]

The original OP asked a very simple question and the answer is also very simple. If her husband is motivated to dominate her, he will be able to do so. To say that he can’t because he doesn’t have it in his heart, is factually untrue and misleading to many reading this forum.

Please don’t Pedestalise dominance as something that it isn’t. It’s basically very simple and anyone suitably motivated can achieve it to the level that I suspect the OP wishes it to be achieved at. Perhaps you should ask her what level of dominance she desires before jumping into an assumption about what type of Dom she is looking for and pontificating about that it can’t be achieved because Doms are so, so special people that you can’t become one. They really, really are not. Surely your ego doesn’t get in the way of you seeing that?

As usual, you are incorrect. You cant even quote the OP. She asked if he could be turned into a Dom, she has also made it very clear that he does NOT have the motivation to do so. He does not have any sense of urgency or even acknowledge her needs... so you still think this male can be trained to become a Dom? You clearly do not understand people, much less men very well.

I might suggest that your priority might be on helping the OP in her situation rather than using this forum as an excuse to push your private agenda. Clearly you arent reading what she has asked nor her subsequent updates to our responses. You seem to be much more focused on attacking people than simply submitting your opinion. An opinion that is evidently in the minority here.

So here is an idea. Why dont you send the OP a private message offering to train her husband in the art of being a Dom... and then she can get back to us and tell us how it went. Sounds fair, since you are absolutely sure that you are correct in your assumptions. Ive given personal Testimony from 23 years of living the lifestyle and meeting in person people such as the OP.. while you have offered nothing except your Toxic attitude towards people that have a differing viewpoint to yours. In addition to the instance that you get to have the last word in any argument/discussion.

I feel compassion for the OP and her dilemma. I wish I was wrong. Hell, I hope you will put your money where your mouth and ego is and prove me wrong for her benefit.

 

[Blackandstrong]

The original OP asked a very simple question and the answer is also very simple. If her husband is motivated to dominate her, he will be able to do so. To say that he can’t because he doesn’t have it in his heart, is factually untrue and misleading to many reading this forum.

Please don’t Pedestalise dominance as something that it isn’t. It’s basically very simple and anyone suitably motivated can achieve it to the level that I suspect the OP wishes it to be achieved at. Perhaps you should ask her what level of dominance she desires before jumping into an assumption about what type of Dom she is looking for and pontificating about that it can’t be achieved because Doms are so, so special people that you can’t become one. They really, really are not. Surely your ego doesn’t get in the way of you seeing that?

As usual, you are incorrect. You cant even quote the OP. She asked if he could be turned into a Dom, she has also made it very clear that he does NOT have the motivation to do so. He does not have any sense of urgency or even acknowledge her needs... so you still think this male can be trained to become a Dom? You clearly do not understand people, much less men very well.

I might suggest that your priority might be on helping the OP in her situation rather than using this forum as an excuse to push your private agenda. Clearly you arent reading what she has asked nor her subsequent updates to our responses. You seem to be much more focused on attacking people than simply submitting your opinion. An opinion that is evidently in the minority here.

So here is an idea. Why dont you send the OP a private message offering to train her husband in the art of being a Dom... and then she can get back to us and tell us how it went. Sounds fair, since you are absolutely sure that you are correct in your assumptions. Ive given personal Testimony from 23 years of living the lifestyle and meeting in person people such as the OP.. while you have offered nothing except your Toxic attitude towards people that have a differing viewpoint to yours. In addition to the instance that you get to have the last word in any argument/discussion.

I feel compassion for the OP and her dilemma. I wish I was wrong. Hell, I hope you will put your money where your mouth and ego is and prove me wrong for her benefit.

You mentioned “ her subsequent updates to our responses”.

Please enlighten me on where they are so I can give them my full consideration...

Many thanks.

 

[Blackandstrong]

You mentioned “ her subsequent updates to our responses”.

Please enlighten me on where they are so I can give them my full consideration...

Many thanks.

Looks like the Doctor has left the building, still reading on Lit but not bothering to respond. Surely an Alpha Dom with such an aura when they enter the room wouldn’t run away at the first sign of trouble would they? Is that learnt behaviour or is it something one is born with, I wonder?

 

[Chewbacca79]

Did a thread asking for advice really need to turn into a pissing contest? Two of you disagree, fine, argue in PM, don't derail a threat where someone is looking for advice.

 

[Blackandstrong]

Did a thread asking for advice really need to turn into a pissing contest? Two of you disagree, fine, argue in PM, don't derail a threat where someone is looking for advice.

My advice to her is very simple. It would be for her to take a weekend away from the humdrum of life and really sit down and talk to her husband - it is very much possible to persuade her husband to give her what she seeks. Work at it, with love, care and attention and DO NOT listen to those who believe that a Dom is something special - pretty much anyone can be one if suitably motivated.

I wish her every bit of luck in her quest. Be brave and be patient would be my advice.

 

[AliceLittle]

How can I turn my hubby into a Dom? I’ve tried telling him I need it but he doesn’t get the urgency. He is whiny and aloof and vanilla.

Do you have to just be born dominant? Is it hopeless?

To be honest, you can't.

If he doesn't want to Dom, he doesn't have to and nothing can force him to.

I'm also concerned a little bit by the tone/word choice here. It reads as a lack of respect for your partner; if you want him to dominate you, shouldn't respect before first and foremost between you both? A lack from either side seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

That said... you may just need to discuss it in a better way. Or maybe you need to make relationship changes. Or perhaps you need to consider whether this is really a "need" or a want on your end. If it is a need, and one he can't provide, consider if you want to remain in the relationship. If it's a want, can you live without it due to other good things about him?