Trying to Open Her Up to Anal

[Rocker15]

No pun intended with the title. I know there are a lot of threads out there by guys who want to warm their SO up to anal sex. Most of the ones I've seen have asked, crudely and naively, "How do I get her to want to do anal?" My situation is a bit different.

First off, I want to say that I have been with my fiancée for 11 months, and we've been very open and honest with each other with everything. The topic of sex has been no different. See, she's gone through an absolutely horrific, physically and mentally abusive relationship, and had developed some hang ups because of it. As you've probably guessed, one is anal.

I'm not trying to get her to do anything she doesn't want to. We've discussed it and she says she wants to try it with me. She says she knows that I will be gentle and go slow, and she will have complete control. But she just can't bring herself to be ready to try it again.

I don't want to magically make her want to try it. I don't want to pressure her. I love her and will never force her to do anything. What I'm looking for is for some of you who were in a similar situation but now enjoy anal sex to relate your stories and experiences in an effort to try and ease her fears. If you could also please address your responses to her, I would appreciate it. Thank you all for your time.

 

[bambikiller]

I have dated some girls that had previouse hang ups with what has happened to them before.
I've always tried working through the issue with them by exsplaining what I want to do to them.
I exsplain that I find it enjoyable and that I hope they like it too.
I also tell them that I understand what has happened in the past with them but that was with someone else and that this time it will be with me.
Not the other person.
I don't push the subject but if it's important to me I'll bring it up on occasion

 

[rbone04]

Currently dating someone in a similar situation too. The only advice you need is LET HER DECIDE. She knows you want and even though she wants to try it, she may never be able to and you have to respect that (I don't mean to sound reprimanding). I wouldn't bring it up again. If she's turned on and feeling safe enough one night she may try it and love it. But depending on how her experience affected her, it could be out of the cards altogether.

Don't mean to be a downer, but this is more real for these women than we could ever know and this is reality.

Just love her and make her feel sexy and impassioned when making love. She either will or she won't, regardless of how successful you are at this.

 

[silverwhisper]

rocker, great way to open a new thread on the subject: you've given all the information the regulars here would normally feel obliged to ask!

when my wife & i started dating, i'd already had some experience with anal but she didn't. what worked for me is showing her that it can be different from what she feared by making it kind, tender and gentle. light tongue probing--especially when giving oral--might help show your gf that the experience can be radically different than her history has shown.

that assumes that she's given the OK to try that and that you aren't gonna spring it on her, which given what you've said seems improbable.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Currently dating someone in a similar situation too. The only advice you need is LET HER DECIDE. She knows you want and even though she wants to try it, she may never be able to and you have to respect that (I don't mean to sound reprimanding). I wouldn't bring it up again. If she's turned on and feeling safe enough one night she may try it and love it. But depending on how her experience affected her, it could be out of the cards altogether.

Don't mean to be a downer, but this is more real for these women than we could ever know and this is reality.

Just love her and make her feel sexy and impassioned when making love. She either will or she won't, regardless of how successful you are at this.

Excellent advice! I couldn't have said it any better, and really don't have anything to add to what rbone has told you.

I think Ed has a great point, as well: ask her if she'll let you know if she's OK with some light anal pleasure that doesn't involve your cock in any way; if so, experiment with oral, super gentle fingers, maybe a small vibe, etc.

Is she in therapy? If not, that may help ease her fears and give her the courage to try the things she wants to with a loving partner over time, too.

 

[rbone04]

Excellent advice! I couldn't have said it any better, and really don't have anything to add to what rbone has told you.

I think Ed has a great point, as well: ask her if she'll let you know if she's OK with some light anal pleasure that doesn't involve your cock in any way; if so, experiment with oral, super gentle fingers, maybe a small vibe, etc.

Is she in therapy? If not, that may help ease her fears and give her the courage to try the things she wants to with a loving partner over time, too.

You know SweetErika... Coming from you, this comment really made my morning. I'm half tempted to make part of your post my new sig. And in typical fashion you have give more great advice.

My partner is in therapy and every now and then I attend with her. She says it has helped her find a way to separate her past from what an intimate relationship should be. She also says it has really been me joining her since we've become more serious that has contributed to her progress; and that while she was single she had no focal point to aim towards achieving that separation.

I hope you realize how important you are to this woman Rocker...

 

[Lord Pmann]

Nice to see an anal thread without the usual "how to do trick my wife into letting me stick my coke can sized cock" up her arse.

Best of luck mate.

 

[Aurantica]

Excellent advice! I couldn't have said it any better, and really don't have anything to add to what rbone has told you.

I think Ed has a great point, as well: ask her if she'll let you know if she's OK with some light anal pleasure that doesn't involve your cock in any way; if so, experiment with oral, super gentle fingers, maybe a small vibe, etc.

Is she in therapy? If not, that may help ease her fears and give her the courage to try the things she wants to with a loving partner over time, too.

Good idea, but I'd start even gentler by just lightly massaging the area with your thumb (make sure your fingernails are short) If she likes it, go back a little while later and do it a little more. The idea is to get her used to being touched there.

Once she has no issues with being touched that way you can discuss trying anal. The key is to make her feel safe and in-control.

 

[JosetteDuPrae]

Rocker's Girl- The first thing you need to know about anal is that you can't do it for anyone but yourself if you're going to enjoy it, you have to want your lover inside of you. That's the key to it being physically possible. Emotionally when you think you want to try have your man give you a back massage while you're both naked with him straddling you. He is going to get hard and it will be against your ass and just relax and let him rest against you while you're getting this massage . That contact should be pretty casual unless you want more so that you don't just shut down whenever something (finger, tongue, or cock) is on that area. You can push against him if you feel more comfortable and see where you want to go with those feelings. I think for a penetration position I would recommend you two lay on your sides its a very comfortable position and your lover can wrap his arms around you and just keep an open dialogue during. This is my first post on this site so I hope you find it helpful

 

[Paul_Chance]

A Technique From Couple Counseling

Here is what worked for myself and my lover at the time. Due to a previous bad relationship, she was willing but, when it came down to it, she would go forward, go forward and then suddenly lock up. We used a technique I'd learned in couples counseling with another girlfriend.

First, simply strip naked with each other - in the light (or the daylight). Then, get comfortable on the bed and simply, completely, explore each others body with your hands and fingers - no poking, no probing, just simple touching. Touch every inch of each others body, look each other over carefully, and explore each others physicality in great detail, leisurely, safely, and non-sexually. Recognize and accept each other as you are and develop an understanding that you are who you are, not your previous partners. If the exercise becomes uncomfortable, or triggers bad memories and a negative reaction (either witnessed or felt), then stop and talk about it.

It might take multiple times (with my partner and I it took about seven or eight sessions) and a lot of patience. This exercise though helps you to recognize your lover for who they are - so that their touch doesn't trigger that negative reaction/memory. As you go through it, you can learn exactly what the trigger mechanism is - a way of touching, a position, etc.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Little Bird]

Good idea, but I'd start even gentler by just lightly massaging the area with your thumb (make sure your fingernails are short) If she likes it, go back a little while later and do it a little more. The idea is to get her used to being touched there.

Once she has no issues with being touched that way you can discuss trying anal. The key is to make her feel safe and in-control.

Here is something I always found very convincing: If you want someone else to open to it, you should demonstrate that you are not afraid of it yourself. If you wouldn't do it, how can you expect anyone else to?
So instead of asking her to let you touch her, ask her to do it for you first. Most importantly, she would be completely in control without any subconscious doubts. And in addition, she can see the pleasure it brings and that anal sex would be plesurable to both of you, and it also means that you know firsthand how careful and slow one has to be and what it feels like when it's too fast.

I don't think I would agree to anal sex with anyone who wouldn't share that with me first, and I feel kind of obliged to do the same before asking for full anal sex.

 

[intriguedwriter]

I'd say patience is key. I'd been with my guy for even longer before we did it and I never even had hangups about it.

FWIW I didn't find it hurt even in the slightest. We didn't 'work up to it' either.

 

[Rocker15]

Thank you all so much for all of your advice. Most of it I have already implemented. I've always been gentle (unless she asked me to be rough ), I've always tried to make her feel sexy. A lot of the time she says I just get her so worked up that she wants me inside her so bad that she doesn't even think to try it. She says she likes when I massage the area on and around her hole, but the idea of penetration makes her nervous.

I've been extremely patient and loving, and I have even said if she wanted that I would be willing to try it myself (since I personally have had no experience with giving or receiving anal). That took a lot for me because it doesn't really turn me on and I've never really had a desire to have it done to me, but like I said before, I love her, and I wouldn't ask her to do anything for me that I wouldn't be willing to do myself.

I think the problem is time. I want her to do it when she is ready, not when he says she's ready so she doesn't "disappoint" me. I try to make her understand that the experience, while it's something I want to try, is all about her. Regular lovemaking is the same way.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I think the problem is time. I want her to do it when she is ready, not when he says she's ready so she doesn't "disappoint" me. I try to make her understand that the experience, while it's something I want to try, is all about her. Regular lovemaking is the same way.

Good man, excellent attitude!

A lot of the time she says I just get her so worked up that she wants me inside her so bad that she doesn't even think to try it. She says she likes when I massage the area on and around her hole, but the idea of penetration makes her nervous.

This would indicate that your conversations have had a positive effect and IMHO, would be your cue to initiate. This is also where a full body massage with a sex safe massage oil comes in. She's already used to being touched everywhere, she's relaxed, and she's not going to flinch when you give her ass a little attention as well.

I would recommend ONLY gentle finger play to keep her relaxed and receptive. Depending on how she reacts to that, you can increase the depth of finger play, working up to two fingers over time. Don't expect to have anal sex the first few times out. She needs to be comfortable with your finger work first.

The caveat in moving forward like this is that you have had a conversation with her to let her know that the next time that you are rubbing her down and she is receptive to play, that you will just move silently into that and it will be up to her to indicate where it ends. As long as you remember that she sets the rules and controls the pace, things should go well.