Trust is very important

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I put my trust out there and I got deeply hurt in the end. I'm not pointing fingers or putting the blame out there. However I'm still a human being. I'm not a robot. Know that in BDSM everyone has their limits. It takes a lot for anyone to give complete trust to anyone. I've never be the kind of person to just randomly meet up with someone and let them tie me up, do whatever they want to me. Smarter than that because I know there's a lot of crazies out there.

I've always known I was a Sub since I was 26 years old and I loved pleasing my boyfriend. He was my boyfriend at the time. First guy who ever called me a "Good Girl" and I felt excited by it. He kept pushing things and I loved it. He's not the one who hurt me in the end however.

In the end I've ran into a lot of Dom's who have deeply hurt me and pushed things way too quickly on me without even getting to know me. I only know of one who actually took the time to get to know me after my boyfriend and I broke up. The others wanted to have play time almost immediately. When I get involved with something, I want the whole package. Now that I'm deeply hurt by the Dom's that I did meet, it's very hard for me to trust again and I'm trying to learn how to trust again. It's just all very hard when I ended up getting betrayed over and over again. I've had some disappear on me or others who hardly talk to me or Dom's who demand things of me the minute they spoke to me.

Having a connection with a Dom makes it fun. Getting to know one another is a lot more exciting to me than just getting right into play time. This is just the way I think however. I'm a beginner to all of this and I'm learning little by little. Believe this had to happen so I could learn from it. I'm sure anyone would hate to being taken for granted or manipulated. I don't want all these experiences ruining it for the future Dom's and I believe the trust thing for me has been really hard to do since I got hurt. I ended up backing down to some or scared because of what happened. Believe now I should actually take the time to chatting for a bit before I start anything with anyone again or taking a break for a bit to concentrate on myself.

 

[SwitchIntensity]

***deleted***

 

[CutieMouse]

In the end I've ran into a lot of Dom's who have deeply hurt me and pushed things way too quickly on me without even getting to know me. I only know of one who actually took the time to get to know me after my boyfriend and I broke up. The others wanted to have play time almost immediately. When I get involved with something, I want the whole package. Now that I'm deeply hurt by the Dom's that I did meet, it's very hard for me to trust again and I'm trying to learn how to trust again. It's just all very hard when I ended up getting betrayed over and over again. I've had some disappear on me or others who hardly talk to me or Dom's who demand things of me the minute they spoke to me.

The fact that you've been "deeply hurt", repeatedly, is reason to examine why you keep running into the same disappointment overandoverandover. These things do not happen in a vacuum.

Are these situations online? Ghosting happens, and it's not a BDSM thing; it's an Internet thing. If it's online situation and some HNG is making insta-demands... again, that's an online issue, not a BDSM issue. If some dude is getting pushy and moving faster than you like, recognize you aren't compatible and move on.

At some point, it might be worth examining the commonalities in each of these dusappointing relationships, and thinking about your role in those bad relationships. What do you need to do differently to choose a more compatible partner? Why do the same bad relationships keep happening? Is it where you're finding partners? Timing? Communication? Healthy boundaries?

 

[cookiecat]

What CutieMouse said about looking at your pattern in having this happen over and over again.

The other thing I'll throw out there is understanding the difference between a Top and a Dom. For the longest time, I wanted a deep, meaningful connection with a Dominant who did kinky things to me. Like you, I felt that a connection was important in having - as you say - more fun.

After a while, I had to ask myself if I was looking for a long-term relationship - a boyfriend/Dominant vs someone to play with. It takes a while to create that connection. Bu I wanted things to happen NOW! I got a little confused -- did I want experiences? Did I want a connection?? Could I have a kinky experience without having that deep connection?

I wanted to know what it was like to be flogged. Sometimes I just wanted to get spanked. I saw a really cool fire play demonstration and thought I really wanted to try that. Did I have to wait until I had a special, meaningful relationship with someone in order to try that stuff?

I decided the answer was no. I wanted to respect and trust the person who would be lighting me on fire or whipping me! But I didn't need to have that person see deep in to my soul in order to have that happen. I protected my heart a little bit when I understood the difference. Hope that makes sense.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Shadoleopard]

Trust is huge on both sides. I've never Dommed a woman I didn't really care about. I have to trust someone to be in that headspace with them, particularly irl. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I know the feeling.

 

[SalvDali]

BDSM aside... some people want it on the first(ish) date... those are usually the types that aren't looking for a second date. Anytime you feel rushed may be a hint to hit the eject button. I watch so many of my friends in relations ships (vanilla) trying to salvage something that either cant be repaired or was never even really there.

Never let things go faster than you are comfortable with.. even if it is with "the right" person you are still starting off in a bad place because you are uncomfortable giving them what they want.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Being submissive doesn't mean you have to be on 'their' timeline.

It's time to sit back and evaluate why you would allow someone to take advantage or push things so quickly while you are still uncomfortable. Did you communicate your concerns? Did he simply not care? Why continue submitting?

It is easy to trust someone who has your best interests at heart. When you meet him, you'll know, he's the one who will wait until you're ready.

 

[SissySalina]

i know what it is to be hurt and i know how great it feels when it is right. i am now in a relationship and i love and worship Her. After we were married we became BFF and trust is the number one thing. It has been my experience that trust must be gained over time but you have to start somewhere. i am not a great example but i might suggest to take a break and look back to see if you can figure what went wrong. It has helped me to set up some guidelines to follow this approach may help you. Decide what you are looking for in a Dom, once you set that then you can proceed to find one in a relationship that you are satisfied with.

This may help, i hop so.