Truly Horrible Puns

[Seattle Zack]

Haven't had a pun thread here in awhile ... and I'm drunk .. so what the hell ...

-----

A fisherman caught a salmon. "My name's Rusty," the fish said. "I'm small, but I'll mature. Then I'll be worth fishing for." The fisherman thought a moment, then released him. A year later, in the same spot, he caught another salmon. "Remember me," the fish asked. "Yes," the man replied, "What have you been up to?" The fish began, "Let's see... living inside the Titanic, spawning, writing a little poetry, spawning-"

At this point the man interrupted. "That's fascinating, but it's also Friday." The fish squirmed. "Wait! My book is going to be published!" The man blinked. "And what will the book be called?" The fish's eyes brightened as he took a deep breath. "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses." That evening, the fisherman leaned back and patted his swelling belly. "Ahh," he sighed. "Nothing like grilled salmon."
---------------

At the Fisherman's Wharf Seaside Church, the sturgeon sang matins, the tuna did vespers, and the salmon chanted evening.
------


In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is, except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks!

------------
Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the man sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The priest bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it first to the talkative man who passed it along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it in one gulp.

This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone from the prying fan into the friar.

-------------------
We can get another approach to the televised international news these days. In addition to our own news people, we can watch news clips that originate from middle east countries such as those represented by the Arab Emirates.

Why, just the other day, there was an item about the plight of the National Zoo in Baghdad. "Who will we get to tell our sad tale of woe and hardship in the primate house?" asked one of the denizens.

The reply? "Abu Dhabi, Dhabi, Dhabi, Dhabi, Dhabi, Dhabi" said Iraqi to the Chimp.

--------------

That's it for me, folks. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

 

[shereads]

bump

Wanted to bump it with a pun, but I'd some sleep to do that.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I only got ONE of them, the one about the friar and the hot dog. But that wasn't very funny either.


Come on, you can do better than that!

 

[cheerful_deviant]

In a recent news report:

Members of the Sacred Brotherhood of the Rose were stopped today from giving away roses on the roadside in front of the Playboy Mansion today by police when the owner of the mansion, Hugh Hefner, filed a complaint.

A Friar in the brotherhood was quoted as saying, "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

 

[Sabledrake]

Okay, okay ... I told myself I wouldn't do this, but I can't resist. Here's one I made up for a fanfic once (Gargoyles character who'd spent a little too much time in Callahan's bar from Spider Robinson's stories).

***

This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable.

One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea.

Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn’t rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath.

This didn’t sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldn’t detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F.

She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaw’s drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name).

The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldn’t detect a thing. The it was Loff’s turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail.

Because ...

If Yukoned Bea whiffed Dew on Hugh Loff, Lovedaw won Ewe F.

***

Sabledrake

 

[ABSTRUSE]

There's something fishy about those puns

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Isn't that Fingal Olsen sitting over there?"
"No, he's dead."
"No, he's not! He's moving."
*************************************************
"Isn't that Fingal Olsen sitting over there?"
"No, but over there."
*************************************************
"Isn't that Fingal Olsen sitting over there?"
"No, that's Fingal Nelson. Fingal Olsen is over there."
*************************************************
"Isn't that Fingal Olsen sitting over there?"
"No, he's moving."
*************************************************

RESTAURANT VERSION

"Isn't that Fingal Olsen sitting over there?"
"Sorry, sir, this isn't my table."
"Can I speak to the waiter, please?"
"No, he's dead."
"Can I speak to the Maitre D, then?"
"He's moving."
"Then who should I talk to???"
"You could talk to Fingal Olsen, he's sitting right over there..."

 

[bashfull]

Lady goes to a costume party wearing normal clothes. However, she does carry a pickle and a box of Bisquix. Her friend, seeing her normal garb and unusually items, inquired as to her reasoning. "My dear," she replied "I am in costume. Can't you tell that I am a Dill---Dough?"


A well to do lady has lost her housekeeper to mysterious circumstances. Notifying the police, they asked for a description of the last time the lady had seen her housekeeper. "Well," she thought "she was wearing a long, dark cloak that covered her hair."

"So, ma'am," the officer paraphrased "You've lost your maid-in-hood?"

 

[minsue]

In honor of the first 2 to puns in the thread...

Wet Dream
- Kip Addotta

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
I gullied up to the sandbar
He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
mako
I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the
halibut

Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
what sole
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted
Evening"
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving ME the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
You know -- a piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"

CHORUS

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling
around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was
already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
"What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"

CHORUS

Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams

 

[Seattle Zack]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

 

[Sabledrake]

I want that democracy/feudalism one on a bumper sticker!!!

Sabledrake