Trouble with sub wife, need help please.

[allforfun86]

So not to long ago me and my wife started living the dom sub lifestyle and things started off really rocky, but we worked through it and things were going great. Well we are in a very rough spot right now, like divorce is on the table. We've been slowly diving deeper and deeper into bdsm and many other fetishes and learning so much about one another. It's been amazing and I love it. Yet there's almost always been a small problem on my end as the dom. I seem to have a very hard time letting go.

I'm having these urges to go further and do more. The desire to go further is very strong and I really want to do it. Most of it I know my wife isn't into and I have no problems with that, but it's also what's holding me back. Yet we both feel that those urges are so strong in me that it's actually starting to affect our relationship, as husband wife and dom sub. I want to use her and degrade her in ways she doesn't want to. I want to share her with men, make her a cuckqueen and a lot more. She doesn't want any of that and I'm fine with it, but it's becoming apparent that i want them so much that she feels she doesn't make me happy. She believes that's why I want to have fun with others when that's not the case and have explained this over and over.

Well a huge fight broke out last night and today she has given me a ultimatum. Either I choose her and forget those desires and urges or I find someone to do them with and loose her.

I think it's a harsh thing to do, especially sense I've told her that I have the desire to do it, but will not if she doesn't. Yet she doesn't believe me. So I don't want to loose my wife, but I'm worried that if I don't try these things out then I'll always wonder and we will never be happy together. I feel like it's a loose loose situation.

I have cheated on my wife before, and she in me, and she found out and we almost divorced. We worked through it and ended up going into the bdsm world because of it. Because of my infedelity, she thinks that I will end up cheating on her and finding someone behind her back to do things with anyways. So I think that if I choose her, then she'll never be truly happy or trust me. I'm worried that if I do choose the desires, then I'll do them for a few weeks with someone and end up missing my wife and be done with those desires and alone.

I tried to come up with a middle ground but she refuses any option other then what she has laid out. She actually wants a answer tonight, which I feel is wrong and just have no fucking idea what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestions or can offer some advice please?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

You cannot ask her to go further or deeper than she's willing to go, and she has every right to ask that the marriage be monogamous. You really are not in a position where an outsider can help more than suggest questions you'll need to answer yourself. Like, are you okay moving forward without exploring all of those desires? There's no guarantee that leaving her puts you in a position where you will absolutely get to explore all of them, by the way.

You say you've told her that you're okay not exploring these acts if she doesn't want to. Is that true? Are your actions or other behaviors suggesting that you're not okay with this? Your words here suggest you're not okay with this. Is she okay with a certain level of kink?

Ultimately, you're going to have to make a decision, a choice. She's indicating she'd like you to make that choice now.

I wish you the best.

 

[allforfun86]

Thanks for the advice. I know I can't make her go deeper and I know she has every right to ask for a monogamous relationship. I'm not pushing her to and have voiced that I'm fine with that. I guess my actions don't match my words, that's one thing I never thought of. Maybe I am acting a certain way while saying something else.

 

[Primalex]

She doesn't want any of that and I'm fine with it

I'm worried that if I don't try these things out

To sum it up: You are a terrible liar.

 

[Nezhul]

I have cheated on my wife before, and she in me, and she found out and we almost divorced. We worked through it and ended up going into the bdsm world because of it. Because of my infedelity, she thinks that I will end up cheating on her and finding someone behind her back to do things with anyways.

Do you want to know what I think?
I think that what you really REALLY need to do right now if you love your wife and want to fix your marriage - is stop all BDSM related activities. All of them.
BDSM is emotionally taxing and requires trust. When there is not trust in the relationship - BDSM will slowly drain both of you emotionally until you break.

Be a loving wife and husband for a change, with no extra baggage. You'll see it will make your lives easier, and it will give you strength to sort things out.

Try to restore your relationship. Seek professional advice if need be, go to couples' therapy. Or maybe just bring some of the long lost romance in your life - start going to dates again. Like, every few days go to a movie or a park or a restaurant, a zoo. Anything - the same stuff you do with girlfriends.

Talk a lot, about stuff.

I wish that you make a right choice in the end. No fantasy is worth a marriage. This is a woman who will be with you in joy and sorrow, and fantasy? It will make your dick hard for half an hour.

Your fantasy may never go away. But you need to make sure your wife knows that she's much more important to you. If she reacts to it so badly - make sure to never mention it again. You need to restore her trust.

She doesn't want any of that and I'm fine with it, but it's becoming apparent that i want them so much that she feels she doesn't make me happy. She believes that's why I want to have fun with others when that's not the case and have explained this over and over.

So... it's the trouble with you, not with your wife.

Listen. You are lucky that she has submissive tendencies at all. You need to just let go your other urges and have fun, no matter how kinky or vanilla it is.

I'll tell you a difference between a good dominant and a bad one.
A bad dominant has urges and he pursues their fulfillment, pushing the partner further. He wants to DO THINGS to the submissive.
A good dominant has urges, but he wants to have a partner who would thrive fulfilling them. In other words, what a good dominant wants most is for his sub to enjoy doing things for him.

Way you talk, it seems awfully close to being a BAD dom. You have your desires and they still lurk in your mind even though you know that your wife will not like that. You'd be happiest if you somehow could have her do them regardless of her enjoying them or not.
Now, it doesn't mean you would ever go that far. But be honest - if your wife agreed to sleep with other men for you - would you be happy and let her, even knowing she does not want that herself?

Well a huge fight broke out last night and today she has given me a ultimatum. Either I choose her and forget those desires and urges or I find someone to do them with and loose her.

And you even think?

So I don't want to loose my wife, but I'm worried that if I don't try these things out then I'll always wonder and we will never be happy together

So, if there was no ultimatum - then what? Would you keep on living with the hope that someday you somehow get to experience that? And how would that be? Either cheat or persuade her.

Man, just listen to yourself. Basically you are THINKING what's more important to you - a fantasy or your marriage. Really? I mean, REALLY?!

 

[Primalex]

Man, just listen to yourself. Basically you are THINKING what's more important to you - a fantasy or your marriage. Really? I mean, REALLY?!

Being married is the legal representation of an emotional state. It's not a desirable goal in itself, neither is staying married. There is no achievement at the end for accumulating successive years with a human.

 

[Nezhul]

Being married is the legal representation of an emotional state. It's not a desirable goal in itself, neither is staying married. There is no achievement at the end for accumulating successive years with a human.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but most people want to find a partner in life. It's easier dealing with problems together with somebody than alone.

Marriage as such is pretty useless, yes. In fact, the pragmatic benefit of it is mostly to make certain protective laws apply to you. For example insurance and inheritance laws - if you aren't married, you aren't getting a part of the property if your partner suddenly dies.

But a long-lasting partnership is not useless.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I don't usually like ultimatums, but sometimes a necessary choice has to be made in order for one, or the other, partner to be able to accept things as the are. BDSM takes a lot of trust for it to work. It sounds as though you two already were on shaky ground in that department. It also sounds like your wife has some insecurities, maybe with good reason. You said you cheated before, almost got divorced over it, worked it out, and found BDSM because of it? That's almost like couples who try to have a baby to make their marriage happier...it doesn't work that way! I think your relationship issues go further than BDSM related problems. The advice from Nezhul makes sense. Take the D/s off the table, and fix the real problems first. If possible, build the trust back, show your wife how much she means to you in every way you can, THEN sit down and discuss the things you BOTH would like in a D/s relationship. IF you want to save your marriage.

 

[ronmcc2448]

WOW! I read your story and you sound so much like me in so many ways.

I am Dominant and my ex wife only like being spanked occasionally. I also cheated on my wife for many reasons after communicating my wants and desires to her. She was unable to meet them at the time for many reasons. I ended up meeting a lady who was submissive. My ex caught the affair. She never trusted me again.

We tried working it out for years. My ex tried allow spanking more but it triggered the affair in her mind. Then I was a ass etc. You need to be 100% sure you want D/s all the time, or as much as you think you do. Also if your wife is not willing to please you what makes you think another woman will want to?

How do you not know your approach is wrong and harsh etc? You mentioned you and wife have had rough patches. D/s is about complete trust between two people, as well love and respect. You are asking her to be very intimate and vulnerable for you with you. You need to earn her trust back and listen and communicate open,honest about anything,everything no secrets in bed out of bed.

She has given you one last chance. The ball is in your court. If you truly love her you will earn her trust back and do what it takes. Good luck.

 

[KimGordon67]

Correct me if i'm wrong, but most people want to find a partner in life. It's easier dealing with problems together with somebody than alone.

Marriage as such is pretty useless, yes. In fact, the pragmatic benefit of it is mostly to make certain protective laws apply to you. For example insurance and inheritance laws - if you aren't married, you aren't getting a part of the property if your partner suddenly dies.

But a long-lasting partnership is not useless.

Well, that's premised on the notion of the success or 'usefulness' of a relationship/marriage is measured by it's longevity. Not all relationships work for 40 or more years - people change and they don't always change in the same direction. That doesn't devalue the time they spent together, nor does it means the relationship wasn't a 'success'.

(And you don't need to be legally married for inheritance laws to apply, at least not here. Live with someone for three years and you're effectively married for pretty much every single legal purpose.)

And to the OP, on the actual OP topic ... I'm going to uncharacteristically at least partially agree wit Nezhul. While I wouldn't put various bits & pieces of sex into 'fantasy' vs 'real', it might be a good idea to put all the fancy stuff on hold for a while, and just re-evaluate your actual relationship. I'd be inclined to think very carefully about whether the BDSM stuff is really 'need' for you, or a 'nice to have' that you just happen to be particularly enamoured with at present. Maybe it is something you 'need', but it doesn't sound like either of you are in a very good space to have a rational conversation about this stuff right now.

 

[Nezhul]

(And you don't need to be legally married for inheritance laws to apply, at least not here. Live with someone for three years and you're effectively married for pretty much every single legal purpose.)

I can't really contribute to that, maybe you are right.

I don't have a great law-related education, but we've had law classes in uni. The professor told us this:
"If you are not officially married, then if your partner suddenly dies - his inheritance goes to the mother, children, distant relatives - bun not a penny will go to you. Because in the eyes of the government you are no-one to them, and there's only your word for it that you even knew that person at all. That's why, as a stranger, you get nothing.
That's in case he didn't have a last will.
If he DID have last will and named you, then you can still get only a small part of the inheritance, because he can't give his wealth to stranger if he has children or relatives. The majority of inheritance needs to stay in the family.
If you were officially married, however, then they would be able to leave the majority of inheritance to you as a spouse (part of the family). Only if they have underaged kids - they are obliged to give them part."

That's how I understood it, and that's how it works in Russia at least.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, law is obviously nation-specific. But certainly here, three years in a 'marital type relationship' means you're effectively married, regardless of sex, provided there's only two of you and you're both human. And spouse (whether de facto or legally married) trumps everyone, including children.
Unless you have will obviously - that trumps everything.

I can't really contribute to that, maybe you are right.

I don't have a great law-related education, but we've had law classes in uni. The professor told us this:
"If you are not officially married, then if your partner suddenly dies - his inheritance goes to the mother, children, distant relatives - bun not a penny will go to you. Because in the eyes of the government you are no-one to them, and there's only your word for it that you even knew that person at all. That's why, as a stranger, you get nothing.
That's in case he didn't have a last will.
If he DID have last will and named you, then you can still get only a small part of the inheritance, because he can't give his wealth to stranger if he has children or relatives. The majority of inheritance needs to stay in the family.
If you were officially married, however, then they would be able to leave the majority of inheritance to you as a spouse (part of the family)."

That's how I understood it, and that's how it works in Russia at least.

 

[Nezhul]

Well, law is obviously nation-specific. But certainly here, three years in a 'marital type relationship' means you're effectively married, regardless of sex, provided there's only two of you and you're both human. And spouse (whether de facto or legally married) trumps everyone, including children.
Unless you have will obviously - that trumps everything.

And how would you prove that you've been in a material relationship for 3 years?

 

[MeekMe]

Affidavits from the remaining spouse and/or family and friends that knew the couple. Shared bills, credit cards, bank accounts or any documents showing one is the beneficiary of insurance or finances or even birth certificates of children they have with both names as parents on the document. There's more, but that's some of what you need in the US. Basically if you share your life with someone and have documentation showing you've been doing that, you're common law married. Here though, there are states that keep this from being so with same-sex marriage because they use gender specific language.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[KimGordon67]

Affidavits from the remaining spouse and/or family and friends that knew the couple. Shared bills, credit cards, bank accounts or any documents showing one is the beneficiary of insurance or finances or even birth certificates of children they have with both names as parents on the document. There's more, but that's some of what you need in the US. Basically if you share your life with someone and have documentation showing you've been doing that, you're common law married. Here though, there are states that keep this from being so with same-sex marriage because they use gender specific language.

Exactly. It's pretty hard to live with someone in a 'marital type relationship' for three years and not have some sort of paper trail. Owning a house together would be a pretty big clue. I would say the very definition of 'marital type relationship' implies shared financial obligations, which would result in records.
(I might point out that it's also possible to be legally married and NOT be in a marital-type relationship.)

 

[Mustang Sally]

I tried to come up with a middle ground but she refuses any option other then what she has laid out. She actually wants a answer tonight, which I feel is wrong and just have no fucking idea what to do.

So? Did you give her an answer? Don't leave us in suspense.

 

[SarahS97]

So? Did you give her an answer? Don't leave us in suspense.

Perhaps she got the family computer in the divorce decree

 

[KimGordon67]

Perhaps she got the family computer in the divorce decree

LMAO - brilliant.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Perhaps she got the family computer in the divorce decree

hahahahaha