Trouble in paradise

[bunnygirl]

I need advice. I am getting married in about 6 months. My fiance is a wonderful man who will be an extraordinary father and husband. He has all the exceptional qualities that I have ever looked for in a life partner. However, I don't find him sexually atractive. We rarely have sex and I know it is a frustration for him. I keep thinking that I will snap out of it and everything will be fine. It's been a year and a half now and I still don't look forward to being intimate with him. I find it much easier when I can get a good fantasy going... but we have no real rhythm and we like our sex very differently. I like a little roughness and he is all gentle and sweet. It is awkward to say the least. Please give what advice you can.

Many thanks,
Bunny

 

[harry johnson]

well....

have you talked with him regarding your concerns/wants/desires?.....from an outsider's perspective, i would think there is potential for disaster...however, being the eternal optomist that i am.....every problem has a solution that is good for all parties...just my $.02

 

[bunnygirl]

I suppose I am afraid of hurting him. I would rather not tell him that I don't find him attractive. It just seems crule. The fact is he is a very attractive man. There is just no sexual spark.

 

[harry johnson]

my dear bunny...

i guess one issue you have is hurting him or frustrating yourself.....which is worse?.....i sent you a pm...

 

[Kadiddlehopper]

In my humble opinion...

Don't get married thinking that your feelings about him will change,because they won't.If there's no spark it won't magically appear when the ring is on your finger,it probably will worsen.Check out some of the other threads concerning sex +marriage-they don't add up on average.And this will only multiply the issue more than most marriages.You have to be honest with him right away.He deserves to know and it will only hurt worse if you marry and then divorce because of this issue.Don't misunderstand me-the reasons you give for going ahead are admirable ones,as those qualities he does posess make for a good marriage,but in order for marriage to work all pieces have to be there at least some of the time and not being sexually into him is a big cog that can't be missing from the marriage machine so to speak...

 

[special_couple2004]

I suppose I am afraid of hurting him. I would rather not tell him that I don't find him attractive. It just seems crule. The fact is he is a very attractive man. There is just no sexual spark.

He may feel like he can't be rough or loosen up with you since you're a "good girl" one of the marrying kind. Perhaps instead of telling him you don't find him sexually attractive, tell him what you find hot or enticing. What about trying to seduce him with something a little bit naughty? It's really all a matter of teaching him what you like. You never know... he may really enjoy some of the same things you do, but not know how to express it because he doesn't want to upset you or turn you off.

Good luck to you, hon.

D of special_couple2004

 

[Guest]

advice

If you have problems being open and feel you will hurt him if you came out and discussed your feelings or he discussing his, then there's already a situation for failure. He is, from what you had mentioned, a great guy, and your friend. Maybe this is something you need to look from within, maybe you arent being totaly upfront with him, maybe you should come from a loving place and discuss this with him, he just might surprize you and the spark will be back. My question to you is: if you had these feelings for such a long time, why have you agreed to be married, why have you waited so long to talk to him, are you finding ways to fullfill your desires somewhere else, now... well, be fair to both of you, dont start a marriage with secrets, someone will be hurt... work it out now....

 

[discreetplay]

have you ever....?

Just curious.

Have you been sexually attracted to or really turned on by other guys in the past? Or is this normal for you?

 

[bunnygirl]

Thanks for all the replys.
I appreicate all of your input.

I suspect that the problems that we are having sexual are just extentions of my own sexual problems. I never had an orgasm until I was 24... I was sexually abused as a child... I am still learning about myself sexually I suppose. Part of it is that I think he resents my sexual exploration in the past. I was very experinental before I met him. He feels like he has missed all the fun I think.

Anyway... I am still working through all this stuff and would appreciate any more feedback.

Thanks!
Bunny

 

[discreetplay]

Bunnygirl,

I am in no way qualified to give you advice considering what you've been through.

I can tell you what it is like to be married to someone who doesn't find you attractive, though. It sucks. After the first 8 years I gave up trying. As of late I have been walking the dangerous line of infidelity. Rest assured, I planned on remaining faithful to my wife forever. Only I feel like she has not been faithful to me. She has taken my sex life and thrown it out the window because she doesn't have one. Not only have I been betraying the trust of my wife, but as you can guess, we now have three children in the mix. This may be what is in store for your future husband if your issue isn't addressed before you move forward.

The other danger, of course, is that while married you find someone who does "do it" for you. How then will you deal? You want to be the faithful wife, but you've had this itch for so long that your husband doesn't even come close to scratching. And this other guy is more than willing to do the job. No matter what you decide, the situation itself plays hell on you.

There are more important things in marriage than matching your sex drives or being really turned on by each other, but it does make living happily ever after (or even realisticly ever after) a lot easier.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

A fellow Bunny.

 

[special_couple2004]

D is right I think (but I would say that wouldn't I)

He has got a slut within him (as we all have I believe) you may well find that this is the man you do find sexually attractive. if you can bring this out in him it may do the trick. Is he unaware of your desire to be rougher? This may mean that you need to take the lead with sex and you may be surprised to find that he responds well. Read around the subject of dommes and try a few things with him see if he likes you playing the lead.

If you find that you really can't face that it may be time to say goodbye. I believe that if you can't get on sexually it does matter a great deal. At least now you have no kids to consider. Don't go into this marriage if you can't find the necessary will to want him.

Whatever you decide you need to listen to your inner voice!

J of SC2004

 

[hewolf]

Hi bunny


You wrote:

"My fiance is a wonderful man who will be an extraordinary father and husband. He has all the exceptional qualities that I have ever looked for in a life partner. However, I don't find him sexually atractive."


I would be careful here. For a woman, there are two roles that need to be fulfilled by men in their lives - a provider, who would provide for her and her children, and a lover who is a genetic resource. Sometimes these two roles are occupied by the same man, sometimes by different ones. Women usually experience strong sexual attraction to men with good genes, to 'lover' types. Your fiance is obviously a good provider, but you body is trying to tell you that he does not have good enough genes for you. It is not as simple as that, but I am giving you the rough picture here.

Actually, you should be extra careful, because women who were abused as children have special issues with attraction. I have a very close female friend who is like that. If you want, PM me for more specifics.

 

[LordMonsterous]

Just wanted to give my two cents. If you think he resents your past, and you aren't married yet and you don't find yourself to be sexually compatable I would say you are headed for disaster. Sooner or later one/both of you will look elsewhere to fill that part of your life and if that works for both of you then I guess it will work. I think you are lucky to be finding this out prior to the wedding though. A lot of couple don't admit to these problems until there are children involved and they fell there is no way out at the point!!

Good luck, and I would talk about this before it goes any further!

 

[carmag99]

Bunny I'd say your marriage is headed for a wreck and it wont be pretty. Gedt some couples counselling and talk to each other.
Been there and done that..wasnt pretty...wasnt fun. Just my.02
Best of luck Steve

 

[hotncmom]

Hey Bunny,
I was engaged to a sweet guy that I had NO attraction for so I dumped him and married a guy with still the biggest cock I've ever experienced but he is the one that turned out to be the biggest dick ever.
I should have just stayed single till I found the combination of both affection and attraction.
Thinking of u!
Mom

 

[LorriLove]

i'm no expert here either never having suffered this problem... but i knew i needed a hot horny guy who'd go the whole way, not a vanilla guy who was boring to me, as mom said above it can and does go pear shaped in both scenario's though... think very carefully before you hook up lover... disaster lurks here... this has got to be talked through with him properly... tell him outright he's got to get with the programme and bang you like a slut if that's the way you need it... that's the way i need it by the way... and for very similar reasons you do, stretching back to childhood... if he can't do the business, you got some hard decisions to make.

another thing... if he's suffering jealousy of your past now, what the hell's he going to be like when you're married and he's constantly suspicious of your every move.

 

[bunnygirl]

Thanks again

Thanks again to everyone for your replys. All of this information is helpful.

I have suggested couples counseling before, but he thinks that is admitting defeat... something he thinks we shouldn't need before we are even married. This seems inconsistant to me, but he wont listen to reason on the point. He is sensitive to the fact that every girl he has ever dated saw him as the ''good guy" and one of those guys that is "too nice".

I find myself searching for excuses not to have sex these days. A funny thing has happened a lot in the last year... he tears me almost every time we have sex. I suspect it is because I am too dry... but it leaves me tender and wounded for days. He tries very hard, god love him. I have suggested role play... and he will go along at first... but in the end he can't really get into it and says that it's silly.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I get a lot of pressure from him to have sex. This ends up making me nervous and uncomfortable... and always dry. We do alright with oral usually ... at least he gets it on the receiving end when I can get him to cooperate... he doesn't think it is very romantic so he wont let me sometimes.

I know it all sounds a mess. The thing is I have never found someone with whom I mesh so completely in all the other area of our relationship. We envision the same sort of life together and share the same priorities. I want very much to work out the sexual issues so our picture will be complete.

Thanks again everyone.
I appreciate all the posts.

All the best,
Bunny

 

[hotncmom]

My sweet friend,
I suffered from vag dryness for YEARS and no orgasms. I mean maybe 10 yrs. I always thought it was me me me.
Then I left him. And my vag dryness was cured and now I have an insatiable desire for sex as my bf tries to keep me satisified.
Not saying to leave him, just letting u know that I don't want u blaming urself or thinking it's all u.
PM me anytime.

 

[discreetplay]

I still Tango. Doesn't everybody?


Seriously though, I concur with gwh.

Best of luck--again.

 

[strokindan]

I must say that I feel the same as the rest of the folks here on this one. I am recently seperated after almost 20 years. She has been the greatest mother and wife, but there has been little to no contact between us for better than 2 years. I am not just talking sex here. I mean snuggling, holding hands, kissing and the such. I need these things and have told her so. I can't make her desire me or have contact with me,she must want these things,they must be givin not taken. I still trust her with all she knows about me, and that is everything I am sexually and otherwise. The love and friendship is still strong between us. I know for whatever reason she has not been happy for some time. Her happiness, and mine is why we are apart. I didn't mean to make this about me, my point is you MUST get on the same page with each other on all aspects of life before you marry. I am not trying to say there can't be differences between you, but I know I didn' tell her everything about me that I could have before we got married. I am not so sure that might not be part of our problem. She says it is her issue's not mine. I am sorry I didn't mean to go off rambling again. I just want to see couples happy together, and in my book it means knowing each other inside and out. Sex is an important part of life to me, and I believe it is important to most couples. Please find a way to communicate with him on anything you feel is important to you and he should do the same. I don't see a promising future any other way.