trolling for feedback: AI Girl, Naked Girl (new in Sci FI section)

[tenyari]

Funny how the two with 'Girl' in the title have ended up being the first two to be ready.

I've just had two stories put up:

AI Girl:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=58666
A story about life, and coming of awareness. A standalone tale.
I've given it this 'tagline':

It's a slow building romance based on a dream I had. Exploring the issues of what it means to be alive and what robots might be like.

Naked Girl:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=58668
Naked Super Heroine from the ghetto's of CA. This is a multiparter super heroine series.
I've given it this 'tagline':

The idea of a Naked Super Heroine has a certain humorous appeal. This story delves into that theme, but also tackles serious issues of racism and female empowerment. It's a Super story, but it isn't a light comedic romp.

Let me know what you think.
Please be kind and constructive though.

Lastly: Is "Naked Girl" in the right category?

It's a Super Hero story, so I put it in Sci Fi and Fantasy, but it's also an exhibitionism tale. It's a toss as to which 'genre' would be best served with it.


Here's that Feedback URL for private comments:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/send_email.php?uid=141861
A third story is available on the site listed in my sig. As a 252 word Flash fiction tale it was below the limit for literotica.

 

[bonnybee]

Hi Tenyari,

I just finished reading AI Girl. Your mind works in mysterious ways, my friend.

Great story. Kept me sitting on the edge of my chair, anxious to see what was happening next.

I gave it a five. If there were mistakes, I didn't see them. The story kept me breezing right along, trying to figure out what was going happen next.

Your story line is great, the dialog is very believable, no spelling or grammar mistakes that jumped out at me. Overall a very good effort.

Off to read more of your work.

Bonnybee

 

[tenyari]

I was told by a reader a while back that there was a grammar mistake in tense in there somewhere, but I myself have never tracked it down.

If somebody does, let me know exactly where it is so's I can fix it.


Thanks for letting me know you liked it. I was fun to write. It came to me in a dream one night, and I stopped a six part story I was deep into to write it.

I was innocently dreaming, and next thing I knew there was this guy opening up a package and taking out his new doll...

My dreams are almost always third person like that, with me as a distant observer. The main characters of them seem to be able to change gender, species, and who knows what else at whatever whim they like...

Which is handy for story writing.

That six parter is still in progress cause I keep having these darned dreams...

 

[tenyari]

Chapter 2 of Naked Girl just went live:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=58669

This chapter gets a bit rougher, as we meet Marya's neighborhood and get to know a bit about how she lives.

Chapter 3 goes deeper into characterization and features her first super heroine battle and her first crime bust (not in the same scene though ).

Chapter 4 hasn't been written yet. I'm moving to a new house this saturday so packing has me away from writing. Hopefully I'll finish Chapter 4 sometime next week and be back on track for maintaining the pace of my work.

I'm eager to find out what happens next. I have a general plot outlined up to a point where I can open up the setting to other writers (I've had offers), but the specifics happen as I write them.

 

[tenyari]

I have to rant for a moment:

I just got a very strange piece of feedback:

It is really amazing how horrible (and how detrimental to the advancement of
blacks) this rap "music" is. What a terrible social trend. Of course, the
people who seek to defend rap by dubbing it "street poetry" are merely condoning
ignorance and illiteracy.

Obviously someone who has never really made any attempt to listen to rap or appreciate any other aspect of African American culture.

Pretty sad really...

Rarely have I ever felt a need to be so negative in a reply to feedback.

What's really blows my mind is that my story has NOTHING to do with rap. It's not even mentioned once in any of the current chapters.

Though now I feel a need to do so in a future chapter someday, to show just how strong and poetic and appropriate to inner city suffering the words can be..

I wish this person hadn't sent the message anonymously. I'd love to talk to them about race, maybe get them to actualy meet someone from the inner city.

A word on Naked Girl's setting:

The house she lives in, that's modeled on my mother's pad. In the same neighborhood. Three of the minor characters are based on people I've known from there, though two of them await introduction in chapter 3.

The way the people speak, that's real; I grew up around that.

My stories are rarely so autobiographical... but it just came out that way this time.

As a side: Marya is Native American, which also accounts for 3 of my nationalities and two of the continents of my ancestors. Like me, she comes from the hood.

You don't have to be black. It isn't about race, it's about class.

Blaming rap?
Good god that's about as racist and mioptic as you can get.

Listen to it sometime.
A challenge... listen to the words, thinkg about what they are saying about the world they live in.

Rap is one of things that binds the people together and helps them survive and pull up in a setting that is designed to kill them off...

But I suppose if you don't actually listen to the subtext -which is plain to anyone from the hood or with an open minded ear- you just wouldn't see that.

I don't know how this person drew a link between my tale and rap... but by doing so they really showed some ugly colors...

 

[tenyari]

Chapter 3 now up

This is the chapter that really sets the stage for things in this tale.

There's a lot of characterization and a lot of exploration in this one. You could say Marya gets her game here.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=58670
In this chapter Marya's beginning to learn to cope, and just on the edge of having a number of her perceptions of the world shattered.

Chapter 2 was told very much from a -street voice-. The past of these girls, showing them in their native mindset. Marya's a hoodrat to the core, a reall ghetto girl; but in chapter 3 she begins to see a little bit of the wider picture to the world.

Unfortunately... things for her are hardly going smooth. But if they were, where would the story be in that?

Let me know what y'all think.

Chapter 4 is in my head at the moment, moving has kept me from writing since last friday when I finished chapter 3. I move on saturday, and hope to dive into the tale again after that.

If there's something you'd like to see, nows the time to let me know.

I've already had a few suggestions for adventures for her, some of which may show up at some point.

I'm purposefully writing this thing -live- to see if I can do it, and how it comes across as a result of being open to feedback.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I read AI. I'll admit that it's a little strange, but still engaging.

If there was a tense error in it, I didn't notice it on the first read through. Which I never read the first time to be nitpicky anyway, so I figure if I didn't notice it, then success!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I can't tell if rap music contains a lot of aggression against women, coz I've never been able to understand what they're singing...

I prefer something more cheerful.

 

[tenyari]

Svenskaflicka: A lot of it is protest music.

The subject tends to be about the social, economic, and political problems in inner city communities.

There's a lot of talk about the men being sent away to prison work houses, cops beating people, gangs, drugs, prostitution, the lack of care by the mainstream, the feeling of hopelessness, and the struggle to survive.

There's also a lot of music about self empowerment. About rising up out of the ghetto, improving your lot, doing the right thing, not letting it devour you, and so on.

Most rap music is designed to get people to think and examine their lives and communities. Even the stuff that appears to be the most base, sexual "I'm gonna fuck all them ho's" music will almost always have a deeper meaning in it.

Heavy metal started this way too, but lost it's meaning. By converse, Rap has gained more and more meaning as time has gone on. It's much less shallow today than it was 20 years ago.

Migrating over into white artists like Eminim (spelling?) has not changed this, which is a suprise. Usually when a genre hits the mainstream it loses all meaning. Rap has been a bizarre exeption. When it hit -whites-, it gave the poor white trash community a voice, rather than becomming market drivel like rock has in it's transformation into pop. It's allowed an artist like Eminim to show the world what's really going on in the bottom of the white community, that segment that gets conviently swept under the carpet elsehwere... Hopefully he won't be the last of his kind. I eagerly look forward to hearing the voice of others in his community. He shows us that it isn't about race, it's about class...

This is probably due it's element of slam-poetry speach. To do rap, you have to be a poet. To be a good poet, you have to be deep. Especially in the slam poetry genre which is so closely tied to Rap. You can't do this music if you're shallow.

A lot of the top names in rap are very active in charity, educational programs, -get out the vote- programs, youth programs, social programs, and so on.

They put the pop-genre entertainers to shame on this one.

Even some of the 'scariest thugz niggas on the block' are often people very active in improving the community. And often not just their own communities.



Now...

My story has zero to do with rap. There isn't a single mention of poetry or music anywhere in my story.

But there will be. Now that this issue has been brought up, I feel an obligation. Of course I've never written poetry so it will be a while. It might not happen for many chapters. But someday I will put it in there...

 

[pinklipstick]

I just read AI girl. How incrediblly poignant. I found it interesting that for as much as you build the premise around AI's needing bonding, isn't that just one more way you made them more human? A very good read. May you have many more dreams.