Tried something a little different...

[sirsemega]

Ok my stories tend to kinda cross over to different genres, this ones BDSM/non-consent.

I tried writing from a female perspective this time around, and as the victim. So if your interested in some intrigue, maneuverings, and so dastardly dealings, check it out and let me know what you think.

Life in the Harem ch. 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361489

ch. 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361491

ch. 3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362312

Feedback always appreciated! Also is this a story? I have a pretty good idea where this is going, but sometimes I tend to just write more character driven things and wind up with a peice not really becoming a story.

Thanks!

~S~

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I read the first part and thought it was good. There's a nasty undercurrent of misogyny and sadism running through the tale that gives it some extra bite. Most people will probably hate you for it (again!), but I quite like reading something that shows off the darker side of human nature from time to time.

 

[sirsemega]

Many thanks.
I'm trying to present a story where even though the choices and freedoms are extremely limited, the victims here find ways to empower themselves within the system and can become as ruthless as their captor.

~S~

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Congradulation. You are most likely the first writer to post in this forum who shows little or no imporvment you second time around.

You still bore the fuck out of us with your horrendously long paragraphs, poor wording and offensive, junvinilistic abuse of your characters. The story has no substance other than your pervers wanting to abuse someone.

I cannot for the life of me see why you insist on dragging this back in here.

Now go away.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I only read part of Chapter One. As Jenny stated, your paragraphs are too long, and poorly constructed. Much of what I read was a rambling, boring narrative. Reading about people being abused does nothing for me.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Ok my stories tend to kinda cross over to different genres, this ones BDSM/non-consent.

I tried writing from a female perspective this time around, and as the victim. So if your interested in some intrigue, maneuverings, and so dastardly dealings, check it out and let me know what you think.

Life in the Harem ch. 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361489

ch. 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361491

ch. 3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362312

Feedback always appreciated! Also is this a story? I have a pretty good idea where this is going, but sometimes I tend to just write more character driven things and wind up with a peice not really becoming a story.

Thanks!

~S~

Why did you totally skip her "indoctrination"? Without that the only sign that there is anything but violence going on are a few occasional references to having been trained to like it. You're characters seem rather faceless and while the motivations you may envision for them apparently drive the story I couldn't actually see what they were (beyond taking out their anger on people who have apparently been kidnapped and forced to supposedly enjoy abuse).

Maybe I gave up on the story to early but there didn't seem to be any emotional connection between any of the characters. Even a rapist or an abuser would feel some real sick lust or drive. Your characters are just pissed off and violent.

 

[Noira]

Long critique ahead. It's a bit nasty. But I promise it's not all negative, please survive with me here...

It improved, and it didn't improve. I can honestly say I only, ONLY read through it because I planned to critique it. It is the only reason I stomached every single page of that story you wrote. It was not arousing, it was not hot. In fact, it was kinda disgusting and made me want to gouge my mind out. Needless to say. That's not critique. It's just... admittedly... definately not my fetish. I like BDSM and some non-consent stuff though it doesn't really turn me on. This went far beyond my 'okay, that was a good read' rating. You might as well know that right now.

However.

I did read through it all.

You have a redeeming point, even if it was horrible.

By the time I was done I actually remotely was beginning to care about your characters. Reading the first chapter/page? Screw them, I didn't give a damn whether your MC blew up in a huge explosion, internal combustion from lack of orgasm, or WHATEVER. Honestly, I didn't, it was kind of a meh beginning.

By the time I was done, I actually was beginning to get a measure of pity for her and didn't quite want her to die. Well, no. If I would've picked up the chapter without, previously, the intent to critique you once I was done--I would've cringed and left at the description of the 'failure'. Firstly because it disgusted me at the total disregard for human life, and secondly because with the description of the 'failure' entombed into a cage, for one thing, why is she IT whatever alive... and how are people successfully managing to fuck her? Just curious. Anyway, little errors like that jerk me out of stories that don't hurt my moral bounds... worth keeping in mind next time. Meh, anyway... lacked in the whole gripping beginning thing I require to read on most of the time.

I didn't think the flamey critiques on this thread are necessary, however. I haven't read any of your other work but meh. It was by far not the worst writing I have ever read. (And even if this is a harsh crit, I'm going to try offer as much explanation as I can)

Here.

Your redeeming point. I cared about her enough to wish there was more by the end.

But it was only thanks to chapter two that I cared and everything after the first page... the first page needs to grab a reader. It didn't. I read to critique.

Chapter one (the first page) was the most useless, un-appealing thing I have read, looking at your skill level from this story. Story? Nah, it's a lot of violence. It felt like I was thrown into an unfamiliar situation with no planning, thought, or effort at all. The only thing that existed to maintain the readers, in the beginning, was one thing: RAWR EVERYONE IS VIOLENT AND CRUEL AND BEATS ON EACH OTHER.

That wasn't enough. You did NOT manage to maintain your story by starting it off at that point. Firstly, you skipped really, really introducing your main character. Rather than SHOWING how she got there--you told it. You TOLD, rather than showed, and you didn't even tell the interesting details. There was no emotion, no grab. It was 'here, I'll tell you a bit about them and let you guess'.

Violent? Yeah, you succeeded on it. But since that (the theme of 'I'm a victim') was your story's ultimate goal, you didn't get there fast enough. It loses people too fast. It was there... eventually. There was some feeling of a control motive and a whole top/bottom, alpha, beta... whatever... theme... eventually. What would have been a better way to start? Start with her. On the streets or wherever she was. Kidnap her and drag her there and start her from the beginning as nothing. You dump about that information later... okay, fine. Maybe you wanted to skip it. You could've started with something a bit less of a history dump and got things moving faster, here and there you give information in a good way--her reflecting about how she had been in that position once, that was an excellent way to convey prior information, for example. But it didn't grab me. You did not grab me until...

I smiled. This was my first time punishing a slave. Memories of my torments flooded my mind, as I whipped her good and hard. My frustration finally found an outlet, and for the first of many times, I finally understood how the house slaves could be so cruel to me with their punishments and torments.

"Learn this lesson well!" I screamed. "Unlike me, you will not be logged for this incident as a failure. You are still new, and logging a failure for you will reflect badly on me as well."

There. Poof.

You gave your character some emotions, you had some nice description, some furious dialogue. It raged. It LEPT OUT AT ME.

It is the sort of thing I will remember from your story.

That was good. You had fury in your dialogue. Something lept out there, at that moment, and made up for the kind of rambly 'and then it was another day' and all the skipping and blathering and dumping in the narrative.

I found it a strong point in your writing. You could create the element of control through dialogue, when you weren't relying on your narrative, and on your descriptions. Which, incidentally, though not as bad as some of the other reviewers find them, I did find lacking. I found, however, your dialogue carried a nice overbearing tone and theme, and feel. You conveyed with your character's voices what you failed to display with their minds.

Stop writing first person? I don't know what else you write. Dialogue is your strong point. Dialogue and control, in this story. The descriptions were not. It took a while to get to the good 'character based' stuff. And it carried on... I felt bad for her when her name was taken, and you had an excellent mindset through the paddling scene. I quite enjoyed seeing your MC broken enough to beg for some help with her desire to orgasm.

When it comes down to it, if you really want to improve, work on your description. Your violent fetish here might not be my thing, but I appreciate a control theme. You had that nicely woven in here. Your descriptions and working could have been a lot better... you had a few grammarical errors, such as this...

Count this as a correction, and be sure you do not fail, slave." I warned her ominously.

You have a tag after the dialogue. You do not use a period. "Be sure you do not fail, slave," I warned her omniously.

That is correct. The period is not. For example. Little things like that can jerk the grammar nazi out of a story. Moving on to descriptions...

I focused on obeying, doing what was asked of me, even if it meant suffering at the hands of some perverted frustrated house slave, I paid my dues, and over time the frequency of these rites of passage lessoned. There were other kennel slaves, fresher meat that needed molding, training, and discipline.

TRAINING MY REPLACEMENT

One morning I was informed when I was awoken by a house slave, that I would be training a new kennel slave in my duties. Nodding, I went about training the new kennel slave, a small mousy Arab girl, the duties that I performed. I had been given permission to "correct" her within the normal limits. She was scared, and looked tired. Her hair matted and dirty, scabs along her arms, the bugs had feasted on her in her cell. My first task was to clean her up. She would not be presentable as a greeter in her current state.

This stuff bored me to death. You jumped ahead randomly, with just a large tag--it would have been preferable to see you make seperate chapters if you wanted to jump around like that, not put it all up in a huge file. Secondly, it's basically 'so this stuff happened and you can let your mind fill in the blanks because I'm lazy', telling, and not showing--and then 'oh, but I'm going to jump to here because it's a plot point'. 'And then watch as I describe someone'. Time jumps are hard to do right, and I don't think you got them right. I won't beg permission to give you an example of what I would have done. I just am. Forgive me, writerly personas. No infringment meant in the hope of a decent critique, aye? Aye.

"I set my focus on obedience. I did what was asked of me. It sometimes meant suffering at the hands of frustrated house slaves--their frustration bit into me, as did the lashes of their whips and paddles. Sometimes I only escaped bruised, sometimes I wondered if there wasn't blood where I couldn't see--and the cameras everywhere could.

I stayed obedient.

I could not fail.

Days after days, and the frequency of such lessons began to diminish and I was left alone. There were other kennel slaves: fresh meat that needed pounding and punishment. I was old meat, old news, old screams. I was molded. They required discipline where I had, over time, earned it.

It seemed weeks had passed until a morning where I was rudely awoken by a house slave with the curt order: I would be training a new kennel slave in my duties. I did not question why, but nodded and left to undertake this new order. I had permission to 'correct' her as necessary, within the normal limits.

She was a mousy Arab girl, dirty with matted hair; scared and tired and covered in red pock marks--bug bites, I amended, as I examined her in more detail. Bugs had feasted on her in her cell. She would not be presentable as a greeter in this state."

Well, okay, I tried to follow the words and descriptions you'd laid out, but spreading things out more rather than just going 'WHEE TIME SKIP' and easing the reader more gently into the transaction. (Written a bit too passively for my taste, but it worked without just going WHEE NEXT SCENE) I hope that gives you an idea of what I am trying to express with this critique.

But, you know, though there were mistakes and things you could most certainly improve on, there were bits like this that made it worthwhile and--I will stress--definately give you a reason to keep writing this sort of thing.

I tried to hide any hint of excitement and joy.

Another one asked, "Do you wish to become a house slave?"

"I am a slave," I replied. "It is not up to me to wish or decide. I will simply do as I am told."

That bit gave me chills. It's someone breaking.

That's perfect.

It's that kind of dull, glassy-eyed submission I love to see in stories... okay, okay, it's not SEXY for me. But I love it.

Funny, it's your dialogue bits I love best. Work on your description.

And I might add, I loved the mind play between your main character and the 'alpha' slave. Very intense stuff there. Though it was depressing how you just got rid of characters and we never saw them again. You make us slightly interested in them and then poof, gone... oh well. That's the fault of a first person narrative.

I hope this wasn't too discouraging. I tried to point out and expand on your faults as I saw them (my opinion only, remember!) and the things I found were most appealing. (Dialogue. Lol.) I hope this helps.

I wouldn't call it a story so much as character driven. It took a while to get to character motive and emotions, and I think that's why you've lost a lot of people here. Keep in mind, you need to hook readers and when it's your main character who serves as the hook you have to make it immediately facinating, somehow or another. If you ever rework this, I would definately suggest rewriting that start to make it more emotional instead of forcing us to accept her position (a strange thing for us 'normal'ish people to accept) right off the bat.

Decent writing, not my kind of thing for erotica at all, could be better, could be worse. 3/5.

Okay, yeah, I'm done.

 

[sirsemega]

Thanks!

Thanks for the feedback and critique!
I'm glad that you took the time to give me some good as well as the bad.

As far as the subject matter, well I know it's not everyone's cup of tea so that's fine if you hate it, you hate it.
As for a lot of the story issues, well I think beyond my writing ability which is not practiced, I think I ran into trouble writing first person from the point of view of a slave who is not in a good position to observe the larger picture that is going on. I've tried to slowly allude to things as the MC and the reader start to become aware that there is a larger story going on here, but I agree the beginning is really slow.
I wasn't interested in starting the story farther in the past with the MC being a whole person before she became a slave. Readers have pointed out that because of this, the MC has no emotional connection to them.

So I understand where you're coming from. I was trying to keep the MC rather vague a faceless, kind of an every-person type narrator, not sure this worked out as intended. Also I haven't decided how to handle her past. Is she a victim? Or did she willingly ask to become a slave?

The story tries to start off with her already being indoctrinated and that her past is not important anymore and non-existent, that entity no longer exists as the initial training has rid her of that persona. The problem is that her emotions are deadened and the readers don't connect with her, again outside the writers ability, I think having her as the narrator is a bit of a challenge.

Through the story, I want to try to unveil parts of her that are different from the other cruel, mindless slaves. There's something within her that the Master sees, which she doesn't see quite yet. She will eventually though.

As for the developed characters that just get taken away, in this reality these slaves live in a place where any one of them could be taken at a moments notice. Part of this is that I run out things for those characters to do in the story, I admit, but also I want to convey the stress an anxiety these slaves live with on a daily basis with the fear of being taken from what they perceive as "home" to a far worse environment, a place that is nameless, faceless far worse because they are left with their imagination to come up with horrors rather than having it explained.

Again, I thank you so much for taking the time to go thruogh the story and give me your feedback, the good and the bad!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

As for a lot of the story issues, well I think beyond my writing ability which is not practiced, I think I ran into trouble writing first person from the point of view of a slave who is not in a good position to observe the larger picture that is going on. I've tried to slowly allude to things as the MC and the reader start to become aware that there is a larger story going on here, but I agree the beginning is really slow.

I think her not knowing the full picture is one of the stronger points of the story. There are horrible things happening at the house and it's all the more horrible because as readers we don't really know what's going on. Why are people vanishing in the middle of the night? Where are they taken? Leaving those kind of questions to the reader's imagination is far more effective so I think the first person narrative is absolutely correct here.

I like the whole ghastliness of the hierarchical abuse. The master stays on top because all the slaves are spending so much time passing the abuse down the chain and being horrible to each other they're never going to work together to overthrow him. It's not pretty to see, but (sadly!) very reflective of human nature.

Lose the author introductions at the start though. They don't add anything and serve as a distraction.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I didn't think the flamey critiques on this thread are necessary, however. I haven't read any of your other work but meh.

I don't see where anyone offered up any "flamey" critiques. Some of the regulars in here have been doing this for years, and at times are short and abrupt.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I don't see where anyone offered up any "flamey" critiques. Some of the regulars in here have been doing this for years, and at times are short and abrupt.

Sorry, I'm with Noira on this one. Short and abrupt is fine. Posts telling someone to "STOP writing" or "go away" don't feel either constructive or helpful to me.

I haven't been here as long. I'm just commenting as I see it.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Sorry, I'm with Noira on this one. Short and abrupt is fine. Posts telling someone to "STOP writing" or "go away" don't feel either constructive or helpful to me.

I haven't been here as long. I'm just commenting as I see it.

That's fine, everyone is allowed an opinion.

 

[Noira]

Sorry, I'm with Noira on this one. Short and abrupt is fine. Posts telling someone to "STOP writing" or "go away" don't feel either constructive or helpful to me.

I haven't been here as long. I'm just commenting as I see it.

Yeah. That was not critique. It was a well-worded flame. It did not indicate what was wrong with the story, only that the poster hated it. An author doesn't need to know that you hated it.

They need to know why you hated it.

I'm new here. But I've been critiquing for years, posting comments like the one I posted here, and on a few other stories so far. I have never received a negative response to my feedback.

Short and abrupt and even CURT is approprate for reviews, sure. 'Stop writing' is not. Not when someone's asking for critique. Admittedly, 'stop writing' is feedback, albeit negative, but it's not one that aids a writer looking to improve their work. And I've never seen someone improve under that. I have, however, watched people's writing improve with practice and criticism.

Just my opinion, of course...

In short, I agree with Jenny and DSM in (some of) the story's flaws, however, I do not agree with the method of delivery. Though the story contained its flaws and dealt with a specific fetish that not everyone (myself included) may appreciate, it was NOT an unsalvagable ruin of a story with absolutely no redeeming points!

Actually, in places, it got pretty good.

But I won't try change your opinions. I thought it was worth reading through it all, for the few gems I found.

I was trying to keep the MC rather vague a faceless, kind of an every-person type narrator, not sure this worked out as intended.

That's correct, I don't think it worked as intended. I found that you gave her too much of her own self to be 'every person narrator'. It's a difficult feeling to capture... I don't think I've ever actually tried doing that 'it could be anyone'. I would suggest just carrying through and letting her personality build up. It fits with you describing 'Master sees something in her she doesn't yet', and would give the approprate overtone, if she starts slightly flat and faceless and as her slavery continues, her reality as a person, although a person without really a name or a face, gets stronger.

I'm glad that you took the time to give me some good as well as the bad.

I would've tried give some more good for you to build on but I was really fried last night and just mindlessly critiquing. Perhaps not the best idea... so I might have been harder on you than I should've...

I wrote a story that dealt with slavery once, so maybe it was a bit close to heart when I critiqued. I started with a woman who was, against her will, dragged into slavery for a short period of time. She was a haughty person, highborn and noble.

I broke her. By the end of the story, she wouldn't go home. (This wasn't erotica. It was just pure control/violence in a fantasy.)

So maybe it was that it was close to heart, that I complained about the way it began. I prefer seeing someone break. It was an awkward beginning, it didn't ease in as effectively as it could have.

The problem is that her emotions are deadened and the readers don't connect with her, again outside the writers ability, I think having her as the narrator is a bit of a challenge.

It is. You can do it. It's VERY hard. Too many times where you slipped up and there were too many emotions. Note I quoted a few spots I loved. One was, to me, her flat--broken--emotionless.

The problem was, you didn't maintain that tone. It's hard, I guess. You had it right in some spots. I'd highly suggest, if you plan on making this long or doing more, write a few short stories. A couple pages, if that--and practice the tone of the narrator.

Part of this is that I run out things for those characters to do in the story, I admit, but also I want to convey the stress an anxiety these slaves live with on a daily basis with the fear of being taken from what they perceive as "home" to a far worse environment, a place that is nameless, faceless far worse because they are left with their imagination to come up with horrors rather than having it explained.

They're too developed to just be tossed away and it grates on me. Yet, partially, I agree.

You're right. It works.

Leaving those kind of questions to the reader's imagination is far more effective so I think the first person narrative is absolutely correct here.

You too. You're right. I agree. I concede that point.

I don't write horror myself so I didn't keep that point in mind while critiquing: sometimes it pays to leave a bit to keep the readers anxious. Likely the reason that, by the end, I was starting to want more.

In conclusion.

WRITE MOAR.

And by "write more" I do not mean more on this story so much as taking a page, scribbling down a short bit with a tone and a feel that'll never be posted publically, that you can go over and try make good enough to give yourself chills six months later.

I'm glad to have helped and hope to see you improve. And there's only one way to do that.

Write.

Also, thank you for the considerate reply and justification of why you did some things the way you did. The insight was appreciated.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

In short, I agree with Jenny and DSM in (some of) the story's flaws, however, I do not agree with the method of delivery. Though the story contained its flaws and dealt with a specific fetish that not everyone (myself included) may appreciate, it was NOT an unsalvagable ruin of a story with absolutely no redeeming points!

Actually, in places, it got pretty good.

Sorry, I saw no redeeming value in what I read. (The first page of C1). But, by your own admission, you enjoy work like this.

I wrote a story that dealt with slavery once, so maybe it was a bit close to heart when I critiqued. I started with a woman who was, against her will, dragged into slavery for a short period of time. She was a haughty person, highborn and noble.

I broke her. By the end of the story, she wouldn't go home. (This wasn't erotica. It was just pure control/violence in a fantasy.)

So maybe it was that it was close to heart, that I complained about the way it began. I prefer seeing someone break. It was an awkward beginning, it didn't ease in as effectively as it could have.

My advice to the author is to find an editor (preferably one with a strong stomach).

 

[Noira]

Sorry, I saw no redeeming value in what I read. (The first page of C1). But, by your own admission, you enjoy work like this.

My advice to the author is to find an editor (preferably one with a strong stomach).

I didn't find anything redeeming on the first page of chapter one, as I posted in my critique. It improved as it went along.

I couldn't edit this. But then, if I was the author, I don't think I would really care that YOU saw no redeeming value in the story. It's not your fetish, it's not your thing, you're not going to. Does that really help him/her to improve the writing?

Editors are fickle beasts, but it's probably a worthwhile idea.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I didn't find anything redeeming on the first page of chapter one, as I posted in my critique. It improved as it went along.

I couldn't edit this. But then, if I was the author, I don't think I would really care that YOU saw no redeeming value in the story. It's not your fetish, it's not your thing, you're not going to. Does that really help him/her to improve the writing?

Editors are fickle beasts, but it's probably a worthwhile idea.

Quite honestly, I find his work so repulsive that I have no desire to help him do anything. And that's the first time I've felt that about any writer.

I think this goes past the fetish stage into sickness. But, that's just my opinion. Whether you, or he care that I saw no redeeming value, I couldn't care less.