trawling for feedback

[tom94117]

I recently submitted my first story. It's no masterpiece and it certainly has style/perspective problems but it hasn't rated too badly. I'm curious to know what people think. I'm looking for encouragement or an honest mercy-killing. Either way.
Main thing is: Is it sexy?

Thanks a lot.

tom94117

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=155270

 

[BlackShanglan]

Tom -

This is a nice piece of writing. I enjoy your style - articulate, fluent, with good strong imagery. Lines like this one caught my attention and did an excellent job of conveying the visuals of the piece of pornography:

Your attention is riveted on the enormous red root of cock that is grasped within her gaudy fist. The swollen head erupts from her grip. Shiny, taught and wet.

I might point out that in this context, the word is "taut." However, this did not irretrievably mar the excellent and evocative description of the picture. The rest of the quotation is, I think, very high in quality and power.

I'm not normaly a great fan of second-person point of view, but on the whole you manage the perspective well. It's in my nature to ask what you think you gain here by not using first person, but I understand that this is a matter of personal preference. One thing that did surprise me was to learn my (presumed) gender in the second paragraph - it was not initially apparent to me that the reader was presumed female, and I had rather assumed male. Damn the patriarchy of language and all that.

You can see the bulge in her cheek as the bloated cock head distends it. Her eyes are closed but you see the tear tracks on her cheeks.

I enjoyed your careful use of language to construct the image of humiliation without being excessively heavy-handed. As for the "is it sexy" question above, at the moment (having read thus far and commented as I went), I would say yes.

Fragmented sentences work nicely to convey fragmented, jittery thoughts. It's a risky tool but it pays off here and evokes the nervous excitement of the illicit moment.

Now here is a fracture in my enjoyment of my text - the entrance of the first person speaker. This happens for two reasons. The first is entirely personal: much as I dislike second person narratives, I actively loathe those in which the author then intrudes in the first person. Nothing personal; I simply have an inherent dislike of the author telling me what he's doing to me.

The second reason, more objective reasons is that the language falters here. Example:

Spazzing out, you knock the book flying and for the second time the porno pages scatter across the floor. You make to rise.

"Make to rise" is an older construction and generally finds its place in more formal works. It might very well work here, but it is a poor match with "spazzing out," which is both modern and informal - in fact, slangy. Placed in such close proximity to each other, they emphasize their differences and create a sharp contrast in diction that does not seem to serve a useful purpose.

I reach down and pick up the pages. Instantly recognizing it for what it is.

I liked your earlier use of fragments to create mood, but they are a tool best used sparingly. Here, I think that more standard grammar would have been better. If you revert to fragments too often, you begin to lose both the implication of your control over the text and, in fact, the power of the fragments to emphasize key moments. The more elements you try to emphasize, the less emphasis each individual element is capable of having. It's like using exclamation points - putting them on every sentence does not in fact make every sentence scintillate with excitement. Instead, it robs the device of any real power.

"You've been looking at nasty pictures and masturbating. Unbelievable. Where did you get this filth, you nasty little girl?"

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, this is essentially the classic sort of line for this situation, and therefore appropriate. On the other hand ... again, this is essentially the classic line for this sort of situatin, and therefore we've all heard it many times before. Personally, I would aim for something different - something that will distinguish this utterance from the rather stock lines one normally hears.

"Now look what you've done. You whore. You've given teacher a big fucking boner."

I sound like a pantomime villain. I'm laying it on thick. For a brief second I worry one of us might burst out laughing.

I like this much better. I nearly suggested something like it when I was writing the comment above (as I am commenting as I read). The speaker's awareness of his own speech and the difficulty of not falling into the sterotyped patterns makes this more amusing while giving us insight into the speaker.

I've dropped the stage voice and am talking more like myself. Yet I keep it intense and a little cold.

"I see the way you treat the boys. Leading them on in your mini skirt. Those tight little tops barely cover those tits. Fucking nice tits too. Let me see them. Show me them now."

Nice transition to a more natural voice. Personally, I'd still think about either cutting back on the earlier more "theatrical" style or adding more internal commentary from the speaker to help the reader see that it's deliberate, but this movement to the new voice is good.

Right after that we get a fair few more fragments. Here, they are not particularly appealing to me. I think that restraint is the key with a tool like that.

Now I'm teaching. It's very ironic. I can dwell on that in hell.

I loved that line.

All the time I'm whispering all kinds of filthy shit in your ear in a slightly horse voice.

Much as I like the image, it's not "horse" unless you're me (I am named after a horse). I believe you intend "hoarse."

"Busted." I say.

"Truly," says she.

"It's not so bad. Not what it looks like." I say.

This made me laugh. I love the moment of shock that leaves him with almost nothing to say.

You did, however, tend to lose me at the end. I agree with the PM poster who observed that this started out slow and lingering and then got more hasty as it went along. I understand that pace should indeed pick up as the action becomes more frantic, but it sped by leaving things unsaid or by leaping a bit too quickly from normal schoolroom situations to open kink.

Shanglan

 

[MLyons]

I agree with a lot of what BS said... but have some thoughts of my own as well.

"The main thing is, is it sexy?" Whenever I finish a story and set it out for my wife to read that's the first question out of my mouth as well.

I would say yes and no. As a piece of porn, which is pretty much what your story is, it's got some fine description, albeit on the "over the top" side. Over the top language has its good and bad points. On one hand it can emphasize nastiness. It can call attention to the graphic perversity of the whole sexual affair, and that can be good. On the other end of the spectrum, however, it can suck away realism, especially in a story that relies on that kind of hard edged "throbbing red meat" language to generate its power without really taking advantage of how the situation and characters can create it for you. I think this story is a bit like that.

There's some excellent stuff here, but its weak points, I would say, are in the depth of its characters. The girl in the story (the "you") is nothing more than a paper napkin in a way. I can suspend my disbelief about her motivation, her willingness to participate in these acts, but I sure wished I heard her interact with this guy. She has maybe three or four lines of dialogue in the whole story, and it makes her feel not like a person, but like an animatronic sex-doll. While that effect might be desirable in some stories, it just came off here like a bit of laziness to me. I think strictly in terms of "is it sexy" (ignoring the plausibility of the situation, which is clearly not of major importance in this story, or really germaine to what you were trying to write), I think it would have been sexier with some more establishment of character, especially as regards the girl. Is she a slut? Is she being victimized? Does she have her own motivation for her apparent willing participation here? I simply can't believe anything the narrator tells me about her, and she gives us very little clue for us to draw our own conclusions.

One may ask, why does that matter? It's just a porn piece. I suppose for some it won't matter, but for me, simple flesh on flesh, hole-in-socket sex is somewhat bland unless there's some context associated with it, and characters who act in accordence with that context.

This story just seemed a bit too disjointed and impatient in that regard for me.

That said though, I liked some of the things the narrator said, and I liked the pornographic descriptions. I didn't see it as a story, so much, however, as I did a sort of pornographic encounter that lacked the context and character to make the descriptive sex really pop.

Please keep writing. You have a really great way with words, and please ignore me if my reactions are to a piece of writing you never intended to create. As a pure sex piece (aside from second person, which I'm not a fan of) I thought it worked fine.

 

[tom94117]

re: feedback

In reply to both BS and MLyons:

Thank you both for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate the nice things you say and also appreciate the excellent criticism. Both of you have paid me a huge compliment with your thoughful analysis. I'd like to reply to you individually so please give me a day or two. I'll email you.

The story is a first effort, and though I read quite a bit, I'm very inexperienced and fairly uneducated. I found the process of writing it fun and somewhat of a turn-on. But you were quite right with your idea that, as the story progressed my discipline and attention to language and style dwindled. I got hot-headed and horny and let the rest flow as it wanted. If I'm going to this again I'll need to learn to rewrite.

Also, and you both seem to agree, this was really a porn story rather than erotic literiture. I used the most stilted and stale scenario and, on top of that, piled on every cliche in the book. I had a notion that by sticking to a formula I'd find it easier to finish.

I completely understand what you mean about the "You" tense. It is poor form and rather awkward. However, in my view, sex stories are one of the few forms (with poetry and song) where I think it can work - not saying that it does in this case, obviously it doesn't quite.
I got inspired to write this by a particular person. Someone I wanted to write for and to - who is a real person but can be substituted by any reader. I like first person stories. They seem more immediate and intimate. So I wrote this as if I'm retelling a shared experience with my sexy little confederate. The way you might play at phone sex except putting it in the past tense. The writing just came out that way.
I suppose I was thinking: in the end it's just a silly little story and not worth spending a lot of time on.
Now I'm thinking: If I had put a bit more effort into it I might have produced something almost decent.

So those are some of my thoughts about it. I'll try write you both later in the week.

Thank you so much.

tom94117

 

[tom94117]

re: feedback

In reply to both BS and MLyons:

Thank you both for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate the nice things you say and also appreciate the excellent criticism. Both of you have paid me a huge compliment with your thoughful analysis. I'd like to reply to you individually so please give me a day or two. I'll email you.

The story is a first effort, and though I read quite a bit, I'm very inexperienced and fairly uneducated. I found the process of writing it fun and somewhat of a turn-on. But you were quite right with your idea that, as the story progressed my discipline and attention to language and style dwindled. I got hot-headed and horny and let the rest flow as it wanted. If I'm going to this again I'll need to learn to rewrite.

Also, and you both seem to agree, this was really a porn story rather than erotic literiture. I used the most stilted and stale scenario and, on top of that, piled on every cliche in the book. I had a notion that by sticking to a formula I'd find it easier to finish.

I completely understand what you mean about the "You" tense. It is poor form and rather awkward. However, in my view, sex stories are one of the few forms (with poetry and song) where I think it can work - not saying that it does in this case, obviously it doesn't quite.
I got inspired to write this by a particular person. Someone I wanted to write for and to - who is a real person but can be substituted by any reader. I like first person stories. They seem more immediate and intimate. So I wrote this as if I'm retelling a shared experience with my sexy little confederate. The way you might play at phone sex except putting it in the past tense. The writing just came out that way.
I suppose I was thinking: in the end it's just a silly little story and not worth spending a lot of time on.
Now I'm thinking: If I had put a bit more effort into it I might have produced something almost decent.

So those are some of my thoughts about it. I'll try write you both later in the week.

Thank you so much.

tom94117

 

[vargas111]

Sorry, I do not read 2nd person stories. This form "forces" me to identify with your "you." If you write "I" or "he/she," you invite me to identify with the character. It's a lot different.

 

[tom94117]

vargas

I suppose I wrote this more directly to a female audience. It doesn't suprise me that guys find it hard to get into. Thanks for the feedback.