Trading roles - how to make it work?

[Brachydactyl]

Greetings - brand new to all of this and looking for some advice. It seems that I am in a new relationship with someone who is- Surprise! - into BDSM. I've enjoyed the stories on this site for a long time but never tried anything myself, or sought out doing so, but here we are.

Anyway, my partner is over the moon that I'm open to trying new stuff, and it has been super fun for me as well. However, it seems that we both prefer being submissive. We have sort of traded back and forth and taking turns so far. Is anyone else in a relationship like this? As I have told them, I really don't get anything out of being dominant, but I also really want to make them feel good, just like they do for me.

So first of all, do you think it can it work to trade roles back and forth? How do you do it? Also, has anyone else grown into enjoying being dominant? Thanks for any insight.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

This is a fascinating topic and I hope you get a lot of replies. This forum can be fairly slow moving, so don’t be surprised if it takes a bit.

I think you (both of you) could do some research on Topping and play at switching with each other. You may find some perspective in some of these old threads on Switching in the BDSM Library.

 

[Brachydactyl]

Thank you so much for posting those old threads - I will definitely check them out. I did try to do a search but apparently I had no idea what term to search for.Total noob.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Thank you so much for posting those old threads - I will definitely check them out. I did try to do a search but apparently I had no idea what term to search for.Total noob.

The search function here is tough for everyone, btw.

Welcome to Lit!

 

[Ginlover]

It’s normally called switching and it is common. I know some who is dominant most of the time but every month or so he sees a Domme (with his partners’ knowledge) for a heavy impact session. A dynamic/couple can also switch between themselves and I agree with you seeing a person you care about really enjoying themselves can be enjoyable for you even if you don’t necessary enjoy dominating or topping them (depending on your school of thought those two words are relatively interchangeable).

I’m an asexual dominant but can still really get into teasing or inflicting pain on a partner if they want it and are getting off on the experience. The way I see it is in an ongoing relationship is there is always give and take and, as long as both sides are on the same page regarding wanting to make their partner happy, role swapping can be fun.

There are also kink activities where partners are more equal. Wax play has been discussed here. If a dynamic played with wax both pouring/dripping on each other during the same session you might not clearly define who is topping or bottoming. And that doesn’t matter because you don’t need to. The only people it matters to is the people playing or in the dynamic.

 

[cookiecat]

Greetings - brand new to all of this and looking for some advice. It seems that I am in a new relationship with someone who is- Surprise! - into BDSM. I've enjoyed the stories on this site for a long time but never tried anything myself, or sought out doing so, but here we are.

Anyway, my partner is over the moon that I'm open to trying new stuff, and it has been super fun for me as well. However, it seems that we both prefer being submissive. We have sort of traded back and forth and taking turns so far. Is anyone else in a relationship like this? As I have told them, I really don't get anything out of being dominant, but I also really want to make them feel good, just like they do for me.

So first of all, do you think it can it work to trade roles back and forth? How do you do it? Also, has anyone else grown into enjoying being dominant? Thanks for any insight.

Other than the satisfaction of pleasing your partner, I don't know how you'd find domination truly satisfying.

I identify as submissive. I like being hurt, feeling used, offering myself up for weird kinky things.

I dated someone who wanted me to spank him. He was in to being a bad school boy and wanted me to be the Head Mistress wielding a wicked cane. I hated it. I didn't even like that he was getting off on it I disliked it that much. I liked him so much I suggested he find someone else to spank him. I'd be happy to watch or help but he didn't dig that idea. We stopped dating shortly after.

On the flip side, I was in a relationship with a dominant who wanted me to peg him. I freaked out and said yuk! Nooooo! But he "ordered" me to do it and promised horrible punishment if I didn't give it my best try. Well. I loved it.

Lately, I have had switchy feelings. I'm curious about hurting someone else. I want to feel what it's like to have someone crawl around for me. Tie someone up and edge him.

I have no idea where these feelings are coming from. I worry it's misplaced rage. When someone hurts me, it's can be really cathartic. I wonder what it's like to give that to someone else.

As to growing in to dominant feelings? I don't know how that happens. Does role playing work for you guys? Do you like bondage? Could you watch videos on how to tie and practice on each other? Is your kinky play more sensuous or harder?

 

[Flowerbox]

Trading Roles - It Can Work For Some

Although I am most definitely submissive by nature, I have been with a few partners who were switches, and therefore enjoyed playing either role, depending on their mood at the time. Initially I was very reluctant to be in the Dominant role, and actually refused to do so, but after a while I convinced myself to try it, not because I wanted to do it, but because my Dominant wanted me to do it. In my head, I made it just another way of me obeying their orders, even though they hadn't actually "ordered" me to do it.

Once I'd done it a couple of times, it became easier for me, but I still approached it from that mental angle. I was doing it to please my Dominant, just like when I was in my normal submissive persona. In that way, I began to actually get pleasure from the role. So do I now get pleasure from having the other person bend to my will, or from inflicting pain and/or humiliation on them? Directly, maybe not, but I certainly do get pleasure from knowing I'm doing doing what they want me to do, and I'm doing it to the best of my ability, just as I do when I'm in the submissive role. I've even gotten complements from switches I've dominated about how good I am in the Dominant role, and one even requests that I stay in that role all the time. Although I appreciate the complements, that's not going to happen. I know what I am, and I like being me.

I'm not sure if this approach will work for anyone else in this situation, but it works for me.

 

[rcazzarin777]

I am 45les and have been overtly dom sexually in all of my relationships and have always had complete control of any sexual activity whether it is spare of the moment passionate love making, or bondage, accountability for outrageous behavior being addressed, I always am in control of that. My life has changed a bit here lately and I have a friend who is also dom. I was in an emotional situation and at her house and she came into my personal space and I kept backing away from her, and finally I had no where else to go bc I was against the wall. She was telling me that I needed to look at her in her eyes which is something I am big into anyways but couldn't bring myself to do. She got even closer and reached for my face. I naturally wasn't feeling comfortable with that and went to walk away. But, she stopped me and pushed me back against the wall and told me to listen to her. By this time she has both of her hands on both of mine and has pushed my hands down to the sides and was pressing her weight against me and said "I am going to give you one more opportunity to be quiet and listen to me while you have the ability to make that decision for yourself, otherwise I can fully restrain you until you're ready to hear what I need you to hear. You choose. Of course I am thinking I better listen bc I know she is a true dominatrix and that's not my thing. So anyways, I relaxed my stance and said ok we can sit down and talk about it then. She shook her head and said you don't get it bc I'm not asking you what you want to do. You need to listen. So basically she goes on telling me that I have been in control and dominating my sexual relationships for 25 years and in that time how many times have I allowed the woman to do what she wanted to me, or anything to me? I said none. She told me I would never truly understand what my own body needed until I completely gave up all control and learned to let someone else explore me while removing my control except for the use of some basic agreed upon thing and some safe words. I haven't been able to decide if I agree with what she's saying. Has anyone else ever encountered this type of thing before? Or does anyone have any advice for me as far as moving forward? Because here's another thing, my subs who I ask to assume a certain position, and they're not to break that stance, and they do so good on their own. I'm so used to having control, I don't think I can do that. Advice please

 

[Master_Doctor]

Greetings - brand new to all of this and looking for some advice. It seems that I am in a new relationship with someone who is- Surprise! - into BDSM. I've enjoyed the stories on this site for a long time but never tried anything myself, or sought out doing so, but here we are.

Anyway, my partner is over the moon that I'm open to trying new stuff, and it has been super fun for me as well. However, it seems that we both prefer being submissive. We have sort of traded back and forth and taking turns so far. Is anyone else in a relationship like this? As I have told them, I really don't get anything out of being dominant, but I also really want to make them feel good, just like they do for me.

So first of all, do you think it can it work to trade roles back and forth? How do you do it? Also, has anyone else grown into enjoying being dominant? Thanks for any insight.

Well, hopefully you both can. That would be wonderful for you both. However I know for a fact that I just cant. Let me explain.

Im a Natural Dominant and Alpha male. For those that are either naturally Dominant or naturally submissive it is difficult or impossible to switch roles. From personal experience I know that I just cant. I tried it once when I was a young Dom, still learning about my craft. I had a very young and cute girl who had been submissive to me and one day she wanted to switch roles. So I let her try to tie me up and dominate me a little... its hard to describe the sensations for me. But it was something I will never forget. Your post was almost a trigger for me even . When she was on top of me it was like every cell in my body was revulsed at the same time. I literally told her that she had to get off me and untie me because my physical/mental reaction was to throw her off and regain control. It was an almost uncontrollable impulse.

Now Ive been in the lifstyle and an active member of a couple different local communities for over two decades. Ive heard hundreds of stories from submissives who were asked to change roles... to top or dominate a friend... and they just were not comfortable doing it... and even when pressed.. it was very unnatural.

However, there are unicorns. There are people who identify as switches. People who under certain circumstances can and do naturally switch between Dom and sub. As everyone is unique, you cant always define the how/why. But as an example ive known a number of women who naturally enjoy dominating other women but have no desire to be anything than submissive to men. I have known a couple of submissive couples m/f who could do exactly what you seek. But frankly they seem to be very rare in my experience.

I wish you both the very best. But if you have difficulties, I hope my information can be helpful to you both.

Master Doctor