Tower of Dark Desires - Feedback please...

[Zanzibar]

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[Guest]

Ooops - sorry. mis-post.

 

[thenry]

It rhymes consistently, syllables and rhythms match, and none of it seems particularly forced. Which can be quite an accomplishment. On the other hand, other than a brief description, the poem doesn't really say very much or seem to have much of a point. It reads a little more like adult Dr. Seuss and not adult Rohald Dahl, who did create some rather disturbing adult literature and poetry.

After the first two lines, nothing unique is added to your poem, nor are the roots of dark desires touched upon. This is more of a jingle for the tower.

 

[Zanzibar]

After the first two lines, nothing unique is added to your poem, nor are the roots of dark desires touched upon. This is more of a jingle for the tower.

Actually, thats what it started as... for a creation in a sex based MUSH I was a part of for quite a while, and still have a couple characters in.

I was going through some old notes and thought I'd throw it out here. definitely not my best work, and I do agree with the comments.

Thanks for sharing them.