Touchy-Feely Flirting

[RazeByFire]

I think I've got verbal flirting down pretty well. But I have a problem with touching anyone in that flirty way. I am a guy and it just doesn't come naturally to me to touch someones shoulder when I'm talking to the woman I'm out with. Touch is very important to me, but also very private. I don't like people touching me unless I want them to. I feel like they are invading my personal space and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

I mean I really have NO CLUE when and how it would be appropriate for me to caress the woman I'm seeing except in a few special circumstances. We haven't slept together but we do fool around a bit. So in THAT case I know I can touch her, but outside of that... no idea.There's not a time I find my hands wandering over to touch her on their own. Every time I do I have to think about it. I feel like I have to build a program about it in my head and it drives me nuts.

So, any suggestions?

 

[Duvet_Thief]

Hm. Interesting.

Bit of a fine line, imo, as encouraging people to touch while they flirt could easily result in people behaving totally inappropriately if it doesn't come naturally

If you feel uncomfortable about it it's unlikely to make the other person more relaxed, which is the point, right? I wouldn't worry about it. Some people are naturally touchy-feely, some aren't. And some people will respond to it, while others will run a mile...

If you're determined, maybe get into practice with NON-flirty touching. Touch the other person's elbow or shoulder with your spare hand while you shake hands.... I was going to call it the Clinton Handshake, but I think that means something else these days...

 

[aimouse]

If you're in a relationship with this person, it's primarily about what they're comfortable with. And IMO the safest way is to start safe (eg holding hands) & slowly work towards more intimate touching.

When you say you've "fooled around", what are the limits?
If you've had your hand down the front of their breifs, I'd say you're pretty safe on the touching front, you may just need to confider how public it is when you're flirting or how often. (Most people want a break at some point )

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i'm an extremely 'touchy feely' type of a person.
I dont do it unless i know i'm in a relationship with someone obviously.
and i'm also female so i guess it makes it a bit more easy.
I made it very clear to my boyfriend that if he wants to touch me that he can. no matter where we're at. Not like sexual touching but - touching my back, putting his arm around me, holding my hand - if we're driving he can put his hand on my leg while he or i drives. He doesnt do all this very often but he still does it occationally.
Relationships are about communication - my boyfriend told me right off the bat that he isnt much of the public affection type of a person. So i dont expect it - but he knows i'm 'touchy feely' so he expects it from me lol

your best bet - is to talk it over with whomever your with - take a mental note of their boundries on public affection and go from there.

 

[SweetErika]

I think I've got verbal flirting down pretty well. But I have a problem with touching anyone in that flirty way. I am a guy and it just doesn't come naturally to me to touch someones shoulder when I'm talking to the woman I'm out with. Touch is very important to me, but also very private. I don't like people touching me unless I want them to. I feel like they are invading my personal space and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

I mean I really have NO CLUE when and how it would be appropriate for me to caress the woman I'm seeing except in a few special circumstances. We haven't slept together but we do fool around a bit. So in THAT case I know I can touch her, but outside of that... no idea.There's not a time I find my hands wandering over to touch her on their own. Every time I do I have to think about it. I feel like I have to build a program about it in my head and it drives me nuts.

So, any suggestions?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that bold part. What thoughts go through your head when you're considering touching her?

I wonder if it might help you to think about touching the woman you're dating as being affectionate or creating a physical connection, rather than flirting, and for you to consciously practice touching her in affectionate ways. Placing a hand on the small of her back when you're going into a restaurant, putting your arm around her or holding her hand while watching a movie or walking down the street, touching her arm or shoulder when you connect or laugh together, etc., might be good places to start.

Does she touch you? If so, pay attention to what she does and mirror it later on.

 

[fire_breeze]

I think I've got verbal flirting down pretty well. But I have a problem with touching anyone in that flirty way. I am a guy and it just doesn't come naturally to me to touch someones shoulder when I'm talking to the woman I'm out with. Touch is very important to me, but also very private. I don't like people touching me unless I want them to. I feel like they are invading my personal space and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

I mean I really have NO CLUE when and how it would be appropriate for me to caress the woman I'm seeing except in a few special circumstances. We haven't slept together but we do fool around a bit. So in THAT case I know I can touch her, but outside of that... no idea.There's not a time I find my hands wandering over to touch her on their own. Every time I do I have to think about it. I feel like I have to build a program about it in my head and it drives me nuts.

So, any suggestions?

All I can suggest is to do what comes naturally to you. If you would like to touch her shoulder, then go with that impulse. Trying to touch a person when you don't feel comfortable feels forced.

I do understand your apprehension, especially if you are a private person. My personal bubble is quite big. However, if it's appropriate, and isn't forced, then it seems the most natural thing in the world.

Occasionally, when talking to guy (flirting or no) and I'm making a point, I will often tap the table near his hand (no idea why I do that). If, the mood is light, and I drove my point home, I will gently tap his hand, a kind of, 'see, I told you I could beat you and I just did, but who's keeping score because we are having fun'. A touch can relay that much. I will then gauge his body language and what I am comfortable with before deciding if there is to be more physical flirting.

Gently, and briefly, laying your hand on her arm, or when walking through a bar, restaurant, theatre, putting your hand lightly at the small of her back and such, is non intimidating and can be interpreted as friendly flirting without encroaching on personal space. She will let you know when such gestures are pushing her boundaries by either tensing or moving away. These are unconscious signals that most will use to tell you 'back off'.

Here's a 'for instance' of something that happened a few years ago that illustrates what I'm trying to describe. I was talking (okay, flirting) with a friend at a quiet pub. I have long hair that just wouldn't stay where I wanted to and a few strands fell in my face and mouth. He gently brushed it aside, smiled and removed his hand. Remember, I am private, and I would usually give that look if someone is entering my personal bubble. But the act itself was natural and wasn't demanding, despite the fact we were flirting/talking. Because it was appropriate, spontaneous, and he read my body language, it wasn't intrusive at all, and in fact, welcomed. I realised something about myself and it fitted the mood perfectly because he acted on an impulse.

I hope this rambling helped. It probably didn't. But I tried . Good luck and importantly, have fun! Because isn't that's what flirting is about?

 

[RazeByFire]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that bold part. What thoughts go through your head when you're considering touching her?

I wonder if it might help you to think about touching the woman you're dating as being affectionate or creating a physical connection, rather than flirting, and for you to consciously practice touching her in affectionate ways. Placing a hand on the small of her back when you're going into a restaurant, putting your arm around her or holding her hand while watching a movie or walking down the street, touching her arm or shoulder when you connect or laugh together, etc., might be good places to start.

Does she touch you? If so, pay attention to what she does and mirror it later on.

When I know I want to touch her, I get apprehensive because I am having to THINK about it. It's not natural for me. I feel that this is a flaw. I enjoy being touched by her and I want her to have that as well. And I also feel that, by showing her more physical affection, we can form a stronger connection.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

your problem is - YOU THINK TO MUCH!
just go with the flow!
quite over analizing everything.***** / love / relationships - and many more things - are not to be over analized - and thats what your doing....relax.

 

[SweetErika]

When I know I want to touch her, I get apprehensive because I am having to THINK about it. It's not natural for me. I feel that this is a flaw. I enjoy being touched by her and I want her to have that as well. And I also feel that, by showing her more physical affection, we can form a stronger connection.

OK, thanks for clarifying.

I tend to do the same, probably because I'm very sensitive to how other people feel and afraid of intruding unless I KNOW it's okay (which is why I often ask new partners if they're touchy-feely people if I'm not sure).

I think you just have to practice doing it, even if you find yourself thinking about it. In time, it's likely to become more natural/automatic, and you'll think about it less as you see she doesn't react negatively.

Meanwhile, try to figure out your specific thoughts and fears, and then counter them with logic. For example, if you think, 'What if she finds touching her back intrusive?; you might tell yourself, 'We're already intimate, the back is a 'safe zone' for most women, and I'm going to watch her reaction closely and ask if there's any doubt she liked it.'

I LOVE Fire's story about brushing the hair away from the face. That kind of thing, having someone I'm intimate with running their fingers through my hair, a gentle stroke of the cheek or lips, and touching my back are HUGE turn-ons and always stick with me for many years to come.

 

[Cathleen]

When I know I want to touch her, I get apprehensive because I am having to THINK about it. It's not natural for me. I feel that this is a flaw. I enjoy being touched by her and I want her to have that as well. And I also feel that, by showing her more physical affection, we can form a stronger connection.

I am a touchy person but outgoing touch, not incoming. I'll bump and elbow, give a light touch etc, it just comes naturally to me. Incoming touch is quite the opposite unless I know the person well.

There are opportunities to touch. If you're crossing a street (city I suppose), maybe lightly touch her back as if you're assisting her cross. Kind of like a gentleman gesture. When you hold a door open for her you can use that same kind of thing. When we're trying new behaviors it takes practice, it won't be a 'presto!' kind of thing, just move at your pace and take the lead from your friend, if she moves closer to you as you use your hand to cross the street, that's a clear sign she's accepting and even encouraging you for more.

We're all different, this is NOT a flaw at all, it's just how you are. I think once you relax in the relationship you'll touch her without knowing it, it'll be natural.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

I was talking (okay, flirting) with a friend at a quiet pub. I have long hair that just wouldn't stay where I wanted to and a few strands fell in my face and mouth. He gently brushed it aside, smiled and removed his hand. Remember, I am private, and I would usually give that look if someone is entering my personal bubble. But the act itself was natural and wasn't demanding, despite the fact we were flirting/talking. Because it was appropriate, spontaneous, and he read my body language, it wasn't intrusive at all, and in fact, welcomed.

i have to admit - that was hott! lol
its a major turn on for me for a guy to touch my face / neck / hair...dont know why but i get turned on more by that than anything. lol

 

[CarrotandStick]

This document saved my sanity.

http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Go nuts! And good luck. =)

 

[Reba67]

Sometimes it's the littlest gestures that are the best in a relationship. Sure, I do like it sometimes when my boyfriend comes up behind me and touches my breasts, but I also like when he touches my hand, my arm, my back, etc etc. It's the "hey, honey, I'm here" touches that I find are the best. If we hadn't already been making out a bit, I don't particularly like a "drive by breast grab" or some such......I need to warm up to that a bit. Occasionally, I will redirect his hand to something else if I'd rather he not do what he's doing. He'll do the same for me if I touch him somewhere he doesn't want to be at the moment.

We're relatively new as a couple and yeah, we both went through times of "should I??" thoughts about touching. The first time we got as far as genital fondeling, the next morning he asked me if that had been okay (it was really heated in the moment when he first did it and he wanted to hear from me with a clear head and not all turned on if it was okay).

 

[VelvetDarkness]

When I know I want to touch her, I get apprehensive because I am having to THINK about it. It's not natural for me. I feel that this is a flaw. I enjoy being touched by her and I want her to have that as well. And I also feel that, by showing her more physical affection, we can form a stronger connection.

I understand what you're saying here, your overthinking is born of a lack of experience, the more you practice, the less you'll have to think and the more natural it will feel to touch your girl.

There was a time when you had to think about walking. The more you practiced, the better at it you got. Now you can walk around and maybe even drive a car without really thinking about what you're doing. It's the same thing.

I think that you should communicate that you're not naturally touchy feely. That will immediately take the pressure off. Then you can try the little things that others have suggested and gradually incorporate them into your daily interactions with this girl until you don't have to consciously do so any more.

Also, without wanting to alarm you, I would say that some women need these little expressions of affection in order to feel loved and accepted by their guy. If you only touch her when you want to get intimate, she may get the mistaken impression that you're only interested in being affectionate when you want sex. This in time can make her feel unappreciated and distanced from you and I'm sure you don't want that.

This is not an insurmountable hurdle, practice and it will quickly feel more natural to you.

Good luck