Top Ten Lists

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

I have been writing Top Ten List for a little while. It seems there is really no place to post them so until someone tells me where or just plane deletes them after sending me hate mail, I'll post them here. Hate them, like them, or just want to make them go away, let me know. Here is the first just in time for Christmas. And yes, bad as they are, they are original material.

Top Ten Reasons Santa Clause Will Not Be Delivering This Year...

10. He's going to be busy doing Community Service that weekend form his last DUI.
9. The replacement bulb for Rudolph's nose did not arrive in time; so much for that UPS guaranteed three day delivery.
8. Last Christmas Mrs. Clause accused him of having a one night stand and he thought he'd better
stay home this year.
7. The insurance company refused to pay for the repairs to his sled after it got shot down by the
Air Force last year when its transponder broke.
6. He is too hungover after the Christmas Eve party with the Elves.
5. He is in the hospital recovering from several broken bones after Mrs. Clause caught him under the
mistletoe with Snow White.
4. The people from P.E.T.A. are blocking his runway claiming that he has been running an illegal
deer fighting operation.
3. The reindeer are all sick after eating contaminated feed from China and can't fly.
2. The Elves have walked away from the bargaining table and their strike for better wages remains unbroken.

And the number one reason that Santa will not be delivering this year is...

1. FedEx cut him a really sweet deal on bulk deliveries.

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Top Ten Reasons Reasons I Don't Smoke Any More...

10. My girlfriend keep stealing my cigarettes and smoking them.
9. My wife keep smelling cigarettes on me and accused me of seeing another woman.
8. The guy from the insurance company says they wont pay for the fire damage to my pick-up truck again if I leave another cigarette burning in the ash tray again.
7. The price of cigarettes is so high that if I continue to smoke I will have to cut back to 2 cases of Beer a week.
6. My dog ran off after I accidentally tried to light up his tale when I was drunk last weekend.
5. My wife left me and took my Collector's Edition Elvis Head Ashtray set and it just doesn't seem the same any more.
4. My favorite NASCAR driver is boycotting the Winston Cup this year.
3. Hulk Hogan, my favorite wrestler, says its bad for my health.
2. Five minutes after I would light up, my fire alarm would go off causing the sprinklers in my trailer to soak my Television and I keep missing Wrestling.

And the Number One Reason I Don't Smoke Any More Is..

1. After drinking so many beers with cigarette butts in them, I've decided I like the taste of wet tobacco and have decided change to something safer like chewing tobacco.

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Top Ten "Realistic" Barbie Dolls I'd Like To See

A couple of years ago Mattel went all P.C. (Politically Correct) and decided that Barbie was demeaning to Women and set "Unrealistic Expectations" for young girls. So they decided to design Barbie to make her more "realistic". O.K. So why do it half way? Why not just get really realist and have a line that is even more representative of all possible roles women have in society? So here it is...

Top Ten "Realistic" Barbie Dolls I'd Like To See

10. "Lesbian Barbie" with Flaming Ken
9. "Trailer Park Barbie" with Free Jerry Springer DVD
8. "office Slut Barbie Set" with Boss Ken and the Mail Room Guy dolls
7. "Pornstar Barbie", "Undress her and pose her in any position you can think of."
6. "Alcoholic Barbie" with A.A. Keepsake Card
5. "Supermodel Barbie" with Barf Bag Accessory
4. "Crack Whore Barbie" with Barbie Collector's Edition Crack Pipe
3. "Fluffer Barbie" with moveable head and arms
2. "Unwed Mother Barbie" This pregnant cutie comes with miniature Baby and Pampers Accessories

and the Number One "Realistic" Barbie Doll I'd Like To See Is...

1. Street Walker Barbie with Pimpin Ken

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Top ten clues he might not be your son

Top ten clues he might not be your son...

10. The mailman keeps asking you if you got the child support check he sent yet?
9. Your wife had them put a question mark beside your name in the father's box on the birth certificate.
8. The hospital keeps calling to ask if you are happy with your new daughter.
7. His twin brother looks nothing like him, you or the mailman.
6. A guy from the zoo comes by asking for him back.
5. You don't believe your sister when she says she never slept around on you.
4. The doctor swears that a vasectomy can not come undone.
3. Your wife does not know about the sex change you had before she meet you.
2. He looks more like the dog than he does you.

And the number one way to know he might not be your son is...

1. He keeps calling your Father "Daddy".

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Top Ten Signs You Have Been Watching Too Much Science Fiction

Top Ten Signs You Have Been Watching Too Much Science Fiction...

10. You mutter to yourself "There Can Be Only One" with each pea you eat from your plate.
9. You legally changed your middle name to "Darth Vader".
8. People start telling you that you should have your Wookie costume dry cleaned because you wear it all the time.
7. You spend $400.00 on a Star Fleet uniform for your dog.
6. Your girlfriend refuses to wear the Xena costume you bought for her to her sister's wedding.
5. You say "Speak To The Hand" to the IRS agent auditing you.
4. You get in a fight with the mailman because he didn't deliver this month's Starlog magazine.
3. Whenever you have to speak to a customer service representative you ask for a Klingon translator.
2. The final argument you had with your ex-girlfriend was because you said Star wars was better than Star Trek.

And The Number One Sign You Have Been Watching Too Much Science Fiction is...

1. You try using your Jedi mind powers to "persuade" your boss not to fire you.

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Top Ten Reasons People Download DVD Movies

Top Ten Reasons People Download DVD Movies:

10. I'm only in the sixth grade and the price of cigarettes have gone up!
9. College tuition is way too expensive and if I buy a DVD I cant take my girlfriend to the movies and get laid.
8. My day job is working for Pizza Hut and my night job is at 7-11.
7. Those blood suckers at Electric Company are getting your DVD money this month.
6. I put $3995.00 on my VISA for a new 37" Plasma TV and High Definition DVD Player and cant afford the damn movies to watch on them!
5. They still want $150.00 for a used Sony PS2 and $19.95 for the used games.
4. The hooker I see wants me to fill the gas tank of her SUV in addition to the $200.00 cash or she wont blow me. Sorry, you loose.
3. DVD? Boob job for the wife? Tough decision!
2. I spent $159.95 on and new MP3 player so I could hear my pirated music.

And the Number One reason DVD movies are downloaded is...

1. It cost you 25 cents to make the damn DVD and you want $25.00 for it when it comes out, six months later its down to $9.95 and six months after that it is $5.95! What the hell is that all about?

 

[snooper]

Nice one.

Perhaps the General Board would appreciate it more, though I do detect at least two story ideas in there.

 

[GratefulFred]

Top 10 reasons why my stories don't make a perfect 5.0

1) I no longer give sexual favors for votes unless you're packing
2) To comprehend my stories you have to be on drugs and usually that causes people to hit the wrong number
3) People count the number of grammar errors and subtract that number from a 100 to give me a score.
4) I have developed an angry fan base of Romance Loving Trolls still hounding me after my "Always Shower First" story
5) People usually vote the number of orgasms my stories give times 10 rounding to the 10th
6) I have the voting key turned off
7) Most of Literotica readers are oppressed women live in Iran and though they want to vote perfect scores their husbands 40 lashes is a powerful deterent for some
8) The Humor & Satire catagory blinks out half the time to save precious bandwidth space (I have used this arguement before)
9) My Story "A Fun Beastiality Story" has gotten more views than all my other stories, and that fan base is hard to please on Lit'
10) Young kids blow off school to read my stories but unfortunately have also blown off math and are having a bit of trouble figuring out some basic numbers.

 

[snooper]

Top 10 reasons why my stories don't make a perfect 5.0

Wrong. Based on your story A Fun Beastiality Story these seem to be the reasons:
1)Can't spell bestiality;
2)Can't spell residents;
3)Doesn't know where not to put capital letters;
4)Doesn't punctuate direct speech;
5)Can't spell our;
6)Puts apostrophes in plurals ending in s;
7)Can't spell lest;
8)Can't spell device;
9)Doesn't put an apostrophe in abbreviations of the gig is;
10)Can't spell pincer.

However, it is a very funny story, and I recommend everyone to read it. I've linked to it above and here to encourage everyone to do so.

 

[GratefulFred]

Wrong. Based on your story A Fun Beastiality Story these seem to be the reasons:
1)Can't spell bestiality;
2)Can't spell residents;
3)Doesn't know where not to put capital letters;
4)Doesn't punctuate direct speech;
5)Can't spell our;
6)Puts apostrophes in plurals ending in s;
7)Can't spell lest;
8)Can't spell device;
9)Doesn't put an apostrophe in abbreviations of the gig is;
10)Can't spell pincer.

However, it is a very funny story, and I recommend everyone to read it. I've linked to it above and here to encourage everyone to do so.

Top 10 reasons why snooper is 100% correct
1) Drugs I took that morning at around 4pm
2) Drugs I took 1 hour later because the first drugs were messing me up
3) Reruns of "Ben10" were beginning in 20 minutes and I had to pull a rush job
4) It's hard to operate a keyboard when I am typing with my head leaning over the bed
5) It's harder to operate a keyboard when I am typing with just one hand and my heads (both of them) are leaning over the bed while my other hand is aiming my dick 10 feet away in an attempt to shoot my piss to the toilet bowl (fell short)
6) Is the word "apostrophe" an actual word? Does it have a meaning? Is there actually meaning?
7) If the grammar was perfect, the reviewers at Literotica may have actually read the story, which would've resulted in them rejecting it for sure
8) My computer's spell checker is on my same meds
9) The trolls felt lonely and needed a story that they could embrace and my spell checker was munching on cookies and temp files at that time
10) If the grammar was perfect, people would've voted a 5.0 for sure, placing it on the top and forcing Cloudy to break out and cry as her tale would be in second place with a 4.99 score (I'd still voted a 5.0 for her though)

Thanks for taking the time to link the story snooper, and your input is always appreciated by me at least.

I wonder if I should do a poll as to why vaccumfucker didn't thank me on my vacuum sex tale. I think he's just too shy.