Too much?

[HappySpouse]

I was just typing up a story. The wife is sitting on her husbands face, and think I might have got a little carried away with a music metaphor.



"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love."



I just can't decide if it's worth tweaking or if I should scrap it. So, I figured I'd ask for the opinions of others.

 

[MColton84]

I was just typing up a story. The wife is sitting on her husbands face, and think I might have got a little carried away with a music metaphor.



"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love."



I just can't decide if it's worth tweaking or if I should scrap it. So, I figured I'd ask for the opinions of others.

Tweek it. If you were flowing when you wrote it, then it has got to be usable.

 

[SimonDoom]

I say, go for it. Better to risk it than to hold back. If you like it, write it and publish it.

I'd make this amendment, however. I believe in keeping tense consistent. I'd suggest changing the sentence that starts "The kind" and putting everything after that in past tense rather than present tense. So change "gets" to "got" and change "continues" to "continued."

But that's me.

 

[Ginlover]

I like the analogy and it’s fine not tweaked, but if I was going to tweak I’d change it to.

"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.”

 

[NotWise]

I was just typing up a story. The wife is sitting on her husbands face, and think I might have got a little carried away with a music metaphor.



"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love."



I just can't decide if it's worth tweaking or if I should scrap it. So, I figured I'd ask for the opinions of others.

Would you regret it if you didn't keep it?

One of my older stores had a scene that flowed off the keyboard when I wrote it. It was a non-sexual action scene that set up the climax of the story. I changed something in my first edit. I don't know what it was -- just a word or a phrase -- and I was never able to completely recapture the energy in the original writing. The scene that's there now is good, but I remember this little tension that isn't there now.

I say keep it and enjoy it.

 

[SisterJezabel]

I'm currently writing a piece that involves musicians and had a similar line:

"And we did, our bodies in time with each other, fingers, lips, tongues exploring each other like a fugue, until our individual motifs merged and became one, like the crescendo to the finale of a concerto, except this piece was for two people showing each other how much the other meant to them, the moans, the tears, the shuddering of two bodies as each climaxed around the other."

Of course I'm questioning how popular a piece about an orchestra will be taken around here!

 

[oggbashan]

Follow Q's advice:

'Kill your darlings'.

You may like it. You may think it is great. But it is probably overdone.

 

[tomlitilia]

Sprinkles of metaphors can add to the picture, but too much can take the reader out of the story. I think there is a risk they might see your flowery words rather than the scene they are meant to portray. Maybe dial it back approximately 57%.

 

[HappySpouse]

Sprinkles of metaphors can add to the picture, but too much can take the reader out of the story. I think there is a risk they might see your flowery words rather than the scene they are meant to portray. Maybe dial it back approximately 57%.

I love a concrete solution. Is it weird that I counted them and I will actually see how it reads minus 24 1/2 words?

 

[HappySpouse]

I'm currently writing a piece that involves musicians and had a similar line:

Of course I'm questioning how popular a piece about an orchestra will be taken around here!

I’m here for it. Me and my wife are both musicians. I’ll snuggle with my music degree while I read it, and guarantee a five star if there’s a red headed flautist.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'd leave it, you wrote it so you must like it. If nothing else its good for a bit of a laugh because its a little over the top.

You could say you write it to be tongue in cheek....

 

[MelissaBaby]

I was just typing up a story. The wife is sitting on her husbands face, and think I might have got a little carried away with a music metaphor.



"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love."



I just can't decide if it's worth tweaking or if I should scrap it. So, I figured I'd ask for the opinions of others.

It's a bit showy for my taste, but to each their own.

However, after all the flowery language, the word "mashed" is a clunker. It's like a turd in a punchbowl. It implies an air of violence at odds with the dance metaphor.

 

[HappySpouse]

It's a bit showy for my taste, but to each their own.

However, after all the flowery language, the word "mashed" is a clunker. It's like a turd in a punchbowl. It implies an air of violence at odds with the dance metaphor.

I intended for an abrupt snap back to reality, but not violence. She is sitting on his face and resting her forehead against the wall beforehand. I thought if most of the good work takes place in a flowery dreamy metaphor it would make a sweaty orgasming woman limply flopping against a wall seem like a more visceral image. Then another left turn to remembering that all of it was an anniversary present for the man she loves.

So jarring would be good, but violent is bad. Perhaps pressed or smeared would take away any implication of impact. In my mind she’s basically just turning her head.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love.

I like the first paragraph but not the second. I'd ditch the 'act of pure.love' whatever that means, at the least, but personally I'd be tempted to extend the music metaphor even further. Emma hit a crescendo of screams and flailing red hair, which finally quietened into small pianissimo moans...

You're never going to please everyone so just please yourself. (and re-read and edit after a week off!)

 

[gordo12]

I like the first paragraph but not the second. I'd ditch the 'act of pure.love' whatever that means, a
You're never going to please everyone so just please yourself. (and re-read and edit after a week off!)

Good advice. I don't care for the "pure love" either. It was a step too far. Ditch the whole thing for a week or two and then look at it again.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I intended for an abrupt snap back to reality, but not violence. She is sitting on his face and resting her forehead against the wall beforehand. I thought if most of the good work takes place in a flowery dreamy metaphor it would make a sweaty orgasming woman limply flopping against a wall seem like a more visceral image. Then another left turn to remembering that all of it was an anniversary present for the man she loves.

So jarring would be good, but violent is bad. Perhaps pressed or smeared would take away any implication of impact. In my mind she’s basically just turning her head.

I get your intent. it makes sense, and the sudden juxtaposition can be effective. "Mashed" seems to imply "with force", though. Bumped would be better, even banged.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I like the first paragraph but not the second. I'd ditch the 'act of pure.love' whatever that means, at the least, but personally I'd be tempted to extend the music metaphor even further. Emma hit a crescendo of screams and flailing red hair, which finally quietened into small pianissimo moans...

You're never going to please everyone so just please yourself. (and re-read and edit after a week off!)

"Crescendo" is just a really hot word...

 

[Paul_Chance]

To me, it would all depend on the context and flow of the story around it. It's a bit of extending a metaphor to the edge of absurd. But, if it is appearing in a story that is skating at the edge of the absurd, it's fine.

As Ogg mentioned though, I think it's a good candidate for "kill your darlings".

 

[oggbashan]

Herre is the full quote from Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch:

Murder your darlings is a popular piece of writing advice frequently attributed to William Faulkner. In reality it was the English writer Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch who coined the phrase.

Kudos if you knew the quotation!

Here is the quote in full:

Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it — wholeheartedly — and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings.

Of course this phrase is not intended to endorse the slaughter of your loved ones. Rather it’s a metaphor for how you should approach your writing while you’re revising it. The idea is to edit objectively and without sentiment.

Writing is a disciplined craft. Like any craft it is only with practice that your talent amplifies and grows. For inspiration to develop your writing, I recommend looking to the professionals.

 

[SamScribble]

Too much? To my taste, it's way, way too much. But I can see why you might have written it.

If it was me, I would put it away for a few days. And when I took it out again, I would immediately see the bits to chop. It's funny how evident the surplus words become after they have sat in a dark cupboard for a few days.

 

[tomlitilia]

If it was me, I would put it away for a few days. And when I took it out again, I would immediately see the bits to chop. It's funny how evident the surplus words become after they have sat in a dark cupboard for a few days.

That's a good advice.

 

[CyranoJ]

"His tongue was a virtuoso, and it played beautiful music. It was rhythmic and lively. A dance. The kind that gets faster and faster, cycling out of control, leaving the participants gasping for air in euphoric delirium as the beat continues, relentless and inevitable.

Emma’s sweaty cheek mashed into the wall, red hair everywhere. She moaned so deeply it scratched at her throat, and she came on his tongue in an act of pure love."

Personally, I'm with you until we get to 'in an act of pure love.' That's the kind of thing the action should illustrate to the reader without having to just straight-out tell them how they should feel about it.

As a matter of inclination, I tend to prefer describing the physicality of acts rather than using metaphors for them, but that's a sliding scale -- I've certainly used phrases like "their tongues entwined in an ancient dance" or similar, for instance -- and it's also kind of a genre preference, b/c I'm very much a porn writer who is not aspiring to be a romance writer. (But then again, romance writing has inspired and profoundly influenced plenty of my porn -- hello, Johanna Lindsey and Jean Auel -- and can get amazingly raunchy. So basically take all that with a grain of salt.)

There's a lot of great advice already in the thread, so I won't reiterate it. Muder your darlings, but maybe don't entirely dismember them. Your core idea is solid, fun and evocative. Just try to show rather than tell as much as you can, is the only additional advice I can offer.