Too good for porn?

[Roxanne Appleby]

Have you ever written a passage that just makes your heart sing? One that makes you think, "This is too good for porn."

Please share!

This could also be from a sex scene (they have those in non-porn also, I've noticed).

My favorite of my own is usually the most recent, which right now is this from my upcoming lesbian incest "epic," and is not really such a big deal but will serve to get the ball rolling:


Joyce poured a glass of wine for each of the others, and then lifted her own in a silent toast. She looked Susan right in the eyes as she did so, and held the gaze until the young woman lifted her own glass.

Then, Joyce dipped her head for just an instant, and her eyes. She raised both again quickly, and returned that steady gaze to Susan, while inclining her glass just a millimeter in the other's direction. The gesture was an acknowledgment of all that Susan had done for her, a "thank you," and a "salute" of respect all wrapped in one. It was heartbreaking in its eloquence.

Susan felt a tear well in her eye, and tilted her own glass in acceptance.

They all sipped the refreshing beverage. Kara sensed that some important communication had passed between her mother and her lover. She did not quite understand its content, but knew it was good. The three women stood in companionable silence for a time, sipping the excellent wine.

 

[cloudy]

From my unfinished NaNo this year:

The drummers started just as they joined the people around the fire, and Daya felt them deep within her. She had heard that line about the drums being the heartbeat of the people a million times, but never put much credence in it. Tonight, she understood it perfectly. Her feet itched to dance, almost too much to control, but she contented herself with swaying slightly. Then the singers started, and although she didn’t understand the Lakota words, she felt a deep pride that she, and the others like her, were still here, were still singing the songs that their ancestors had, and were still celebrating life.

The singing and drumming stopped abruptly, and an old man stepped out of the group of people around the fire, and began speaking. He had long white hair, worn untied, and was missing more than just a couple of teeth, but he had a dignity that was moving, and his voice was clear and loud in the night air. He spoke in Lakota, and Daya couldn’t understand a word of it, but she understood that he was calling the blessings of the spirits down upon their gathering.

When he finished, he stepped to a pile of firewood off to the side, and grabbed a forearm-thick piece of wood. He leaned into the fire, close enough to catch the pitch-soaked end of the wood on fire, held it up high, and announced loudly enough for all to hear, “The Oglala are here!”

He tossed his torch into the fire, and loud cheers accompanied the sparks that flew up into the night sky. Daya watched as one after another, tribal representatives stepped forward, lit their torches, and announced the presence of their tribes. There were so many here: Blackfoot, Mohawk, Seminole, Osage, Salish, Brule’... Some were traditional enemies for as long back as anyone could remember, but all the old animosities were forgotten tonight. She watched her roommates take their turn to call their nations out in proud, clear voices, and then it was her turn.

She went to the pile of torches closest to her, picked one up, lit it, and her voice surprised her by it’s strength when she called out, “The Chickasaw are here!”

The loud cheers, and the ululations by the women brought tears to her eyes, and she stepped back after tossing her torch on the fire, tears streaming down her face, but she held her head high, for once unashamed of her tears.

 

[Miyana Books]

It's perfect for porn

It couldn't be anything but porn. It's not poetic. Your style is very choppy. Nice effort.

 

[Guest]

Is this comment in any way related to the tattoo thread?

 

[Miyana Books]

No

I'm not a grizzly old man this evening. I'm being honest. By the way, I was just having fun with you. Don't take it personally. But when I do critique a passage or a work, I won't joke.

 

[cloudy]

Is this comment in any way related to the tattoo thread?

Just ignore it, Sarahh. Makes life much more pleasant.

 

[TheEarl]

I’ve always hated films on flights. It’s okay if they’re showing something that you want to see, but it renders you incapable of doing anything else. Your eyes get dragged towards it, no matter how much you try and force them elsewhere and your ears always strain to pick up the tinny voices coming from other people’s headphones. I looked up at the nearest screen. Kirsten Dunst was demonstrating peanut smuggling skills in a tight vest-top in front of Spiderman. Seen it before.

I glanced over to my companion, expecting to see her engrossed in the actions of Tobey Maguire and spandex. However, it appeared that the notebook lying open on my lap was more interesting. I closed my eyes in despair. What was so difficult to understand? I coughed to attract her attention. “Will you stop reading that? It’s private.”

She glared at me again. “What is your problem?”

“My problem is that you seem incapable of understanding ‘Stop reading my story.’ Just watch the film.”

“I hate Spiderman.”

“Read a book.”

“I’ve finished it.”

“Go to sleep!”

“I’m not tired.”

“Do something else then! Just stop reading over my shoulder!”

There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that she was going to leave me alone.

“So what are you writing?”

The Earl

 

[Miyana Books]

Being constructive

Constructive criticism is helpful. I'm a professional. I want to have a little fun on the site, but really, you have to understand, she shouldn't be deluded. I haven't read all her work, but I find that passage lacking fluid rhythm. It's a fine passage for porn though.

 

[Guest]

I'm not a grizzly old man this evening. I'm being honest. By the way, I was just having fun with you. Don't take it personally. But when I do critique a passage or a work, I won't joke.

I don't take it personally. You hold no power over me.

If you were my advisor or on the dissertation committee, perhaps.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Then the singers started . . .

Through your words I heard them, Cloudy. Taloowa, ihoo.

 

[Miyana Books]

I don't take it personally. You hold no power over me.

If you were my advisor or on the dissertation committee, perhaps.

You hold no power over me? What are you talking about?

 

[TheEarl]

Constructive criticism is helpful. I'm a professional. I want to have a little fun on the site, but really, you have to understand, she shouldn't be deluded. I haven't read all her work, but I find that passage lacking fluid rhythm. It's a fine passage for porn though.

More than a little harsh, I feel. The passage isn't spot on to my tastes, but it's not bad by a long shot. Suggesting she's 'deluded' for putting it up as an example of good writing makes you look as though you're over-egging the critiquing pudding.

The Earl

 

[Miyana Books]

More than a little harsh, I feel. The passage isn't spot on to my tastes, but it's not bad by a long shot. Suggesting she's 'deluded' for putting it up as an example of good writing makes you look as though you're over-egging the critiquing pudding.

The Earl

I was responding to cloudy, not to her. I don't mean to imply she is deluded. His comment was protective of her feelings. I am new here and therefore less sensitive. It is my fault. She is not deluded. I meant that she can take criticism without being defended by everybody whose her friend on the board. I haven't read her thoroughly, I am commenting on the passge. But it's nice to see friends are protective and loyal on this board.

 

[cloudy]

I was responding to cloudy, not to her. I don't mean to imply she is deluded. His comment was protective of her feelings. I am new here and therefore less sensitive. It is my fault. She is not deluded. I meant that she can take criticism without being defended by everybody whose her friend on the board. I haven't read her thoroughly, I am commenting on the passge. But it's nice to see friends are protective and loyal on this board.

Fortunately, the comments of those I respect mean something. Yours, however, do not.

oh, and it's "who's," not "whose."

thanks for playing.

 

[Miyana Books]

No longer worthy of respect

I'm not worthy of respect, now. Wow! You can't say anything. You're a native American though. I sympathize.

 

[cloudy]

I'm not worthy of respect, now. Wow! You can't say anything. You're a native American though. I sympathize.

That's the most racist statement I've seen in awhile. Back on ignore you go.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'm not sure it's worth disentangling the grammar and word choice of that last statement.

(Oops - Cloudy, you posted while I was typing. )

 

[TheEarl]

You're a native American though. I sympathize.

You're not doing very well at making a good impresion. First you appear on someone's thread and tell her that her work is 'choppy' and that she's 'deluded' for posting it as an example of good prose, when she didn't even ask for a critique. And secondly, you've just been outrageously racist to a very popular and friendly lady.

How to make friends and influence people.

The Earl

 

[impressive]

I'm not worthy of respect, now. Wow! You can't say anything. You're a native American though. I sympathize.

OMG. I so pity your sorry ass.

 

[Miyana Books]

I'm a racist now

I went from a casual commentor to being a racist in ten minutes. Fascinating. Talk about sensitivity.

 

[Guest]

I'm not worthy of respect, now. Wow! You can't say anything. You're a native American though. I sympathize.

From what I've seen, you're not worthy of much of anything.

And you're still an ass-half.

Now get lost, kid.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Choppy. You know, I've read through that passage several times, and I really can't get where you see "choppy." I'm trying to look at the criticism honestly and not just leap in on Cloudy's side because I happen to like and respect her. That said - "choppy?" I really can't see it. The only transition between paragraphs that seems at all sharp is the one followed by the words "The singing and drumming stopped abruptly ..." - surely precisely the place one wants a sharp break. No?

Shanglan

 

[TheEarl]

I went from a casual commentor to being a racist in ten minutes. Fascinating. Talk about sensitivity.

So, you're saying that you're not racist? Despite expressing 'sympathy' for Cloudy being a Native American? If you can explain how her ethnicity had anything to do with the discussion at hand, in 100 words or less, then you might look like a little less of a wanker.

The Earl

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Excuse me, but this was supposed to be the warm and friendly "Damn, I'm good," and "Yeah, you are good" thread. Flames are on the third floor, aisle C. Can we get back to a mutual stroke fest here?

 

[BlackShanglan]

Excuse me, but this was supposed to be the warm and friendly "Damn, I'm good," and "Yeah, you are good" thread. Flames are on the third floor, aisle C. Can we get back to a mutual stroke fest here?

Depends. Who's available to stroke?