AriaSilverfyre
Gamer Chick
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2001
- Posts
- 1,165
Together Forever Ch3
- Thread starter AriaSilverfyre
- Start date
Penelope Street
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 28, 2004
- Posts
- 1,471
Hi Aria,
It's a sweet little scene, but I'm afraid it didn't stir me. The main ingredient missing, I think, is good old conflict- especially in the opening. It's just a woman shopping for a present. Ok, there's the minor tension regarding what she will buy, but we've all been there, right? Even that bit of tension is soon resolved and I never felt any other suspense- there was never any question I wanted answered so bad I just had to keep reading. Does that make sense?
In the end, this chapter is really just a loving couple having sex. I didn't really see where it mattered if they were vampires or coeds or a married couple. Some writers, and a fair number of readers as well, enjoy sexy vignettes with little plot or conflict, so if that's what you want to write, please don't let me dissuade you. Indeed, if that's what you intended to write then your story is a success.
Also, you might want to take a look at your adverb use. If you don't know what I mean, please see:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
This relatively minor issue stood out, I think, because your overall writing style, from grammar to structure to flow, is sound, making your story an easy read.
Take Care,
Penny
It's a sweet little scene, but I'm afraid it didn't stir me. The main ingredient missing, I think, is good old conflict- especially in the opening. It's just a woman shopping for a present. Ok, there's the minor tension regarding what she will buy, but we've all been there, right? Even that bit of tension is soon resolved and I never felt any other suspense- there was never any question I wanted answered so bad I just had to keep reading. Does that make sense?
In the end, this chapter is really just a loving couple having sex. I didn't really see where it mattered if they were vampires or coeds or a married couple. Some writers, and a fair number of readers as well, enjoy sexy vignettes with little plot or conflict, so if that's what you want to write, please don't let me dissuade you. Indeed, if that's what you intended to write then your story is a success.
Also, you might want to take a look at your adverb use. If you don't know what I mean, please see:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
This relatively minor issue stood out, I think, because your overall writing style, from grammar to structure to flow, is sound, making your story an easy read.
Take Care,
Penny
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