Todd's a Christmas Caroling

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening,
But I'm turning and twisting.
'Cause I'm itching up here,
And I'm scratching down there,
I'm walking in my winter underwear.

Now, the front is all battered,
And the back is is all tattered,
But, when I'm cold to the core,
I walk through the "trap door",
And up into my winter underwear.

Vell, I don't care if it rains or snows or freezes.
I yam so warm I yust don't give a hoot.
I put on all the stockings I can locate,
And I wear two pair of trousers with my suit.

But then I start to perspire
And then it sets me on fire.
'Cause I'm itching up here,
And I'm scratching down there,
I'm walking in my winter underwear.

Vinter snow is white and glistening,
But I'm turning and twisting.
I gotta scratch a little here,
I gotta scratch a little there.
I'm walking in my winter underwear.

I put my bathing suit away in moth balls,
And now I've got to adapt to snow balls.
Then I can't scratch my back;
I throw myself all aback.
I'm walking in my winter underwear.

Through rain and snow and ice I do not worry.
The winter come, I yust don't give a hoot.
My coat and hat and earmuffs keep my cozy
And I wear two pair of trousers with my suit.

But then to cope to other clothing,
Vell, the thing that I am loading,
Is when my face turn blue,
And contortions I go through,
Walking in my winter underwear.

They're from Sears-Rooobuuuck....
Walking in my winter underwear!

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Their eyes bulge out, as they explode.

Machine gun fire, opens up on the crowd.
And folks fall down like dominos.

Everybody knows, an uzi and some hand grenades,
help to make the season bright.

Tiny tots, bound and gagged in their beds,
will find it hard to sleep, tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way.
He's got a chainsaw, and he's gonna make 'em pay.

And every mother's child is gonna spy,
To watch their Daddy shoot those reindeer from the sky...

And so I'm offering this simple phrase.
For the tots by now, are turning blue.

Although it's been said many times many ways...
Merry Christmas.... to You.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
5 Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve yellow roses
eleven blueblonnets
ten gallon hats
nine cowboy boots
eight enchiladas
seven jalapenos
six armadillos
five chili beans
four oil wells
three pickup trucks
two tumbleweeds
and a possum in an oak tree

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On the 12th day of Christmas, my vendor gave to me
12 days to set up
11 acronyms
10 more megahertz
9 brand new standards
8 more megs of RAM
7 minor upgrades
6 hidden features
5 tons of docs
4 new API's
3 more months of waiting
2 more SCSI drives
And a bug fix for Windows NT.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits
Eleven damaged diskettes
Ten disk-drive lockouts
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts
Seven system resets
Six I/O spasms
Five blank cassettes
Four garbled saves
Three loose plugs
Two key bounces
And a glitch on the video screen

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve plotters plotting
Eleven printers grinding
Ten punches jamming
Nine nixies blinking
Eight drums a-spinning
Seven screens a-scrolling
Six mice a-clicking
Five write rings
Four coding sheets
Three punch cards
Two paper tapes
And a cartridge in a P.C.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Middle ear infection
Chronic laryngitis
Bronchial congestion
Throbbing sinus headache
Seven hours sneezing
Sick queasy stomach
Post nasal drip
Red runny nose
Aches and pains
Loud hacking cough
And a fever of a hundred and three

 

[SINthysist]

BAH! HUMBUG!!

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Frosty the Hitman
was a very cruel soul,
With a private jet and a .44
and two eyes as red as coal.
Frosty the Hitman
was a fairy tale they say,
But the hitmen knew that
he really blew off someone's head that day.

There must have been some bullets in the gun that Frosty bought
For a hitman died when Frosty tried to take the safety off!

So Frosty the Hitman
was forced to run away,
Never lookin' back
at the run-down shack
Where the gang had used to stay.

While running through the streets of town he saw a traffic cop,
But cleaned him out with a couple rounds when he heard him holler stop

Well Frosty the Hitman
had to hurry on his way,
And no one ever saw him again
Right up to this day.
Well Frosty the...

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

(car start) C'mon, c'mon! (car start) C'mon, you can do it! (car engine
kicking in) Alright! (music starts)

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers to get the car to stop.

Chorus

(Chorus music)

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke!
I have to get to ShopCo to pick up the layaway,
Because Santa Claus is comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Chorus

Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent...(fade out)

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

I'll be cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone!

(Repeat)

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Oh it happened quite late this morning,
The reactor gave a warning,
So as the walls start to flow,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Officials begin to wonder,
With the fault line running under,
If nukes were the way to go...
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Oh the units were built in threes,
'Cause the number is funny and droll,
And now we can see the Chinese
A-wavin' at us from the hole!

Now the little black smudge is sister,
And my dog is just a blister,
But since it's their time to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

(instumental 2 verses)

Now they say the "event" was "unplanned,
Just a shift in the offshore shelf,
And that's why my thyroid gland
Is driving a car by itself!

Now grandmother aint too pretty,
And that hairless blob is kitty,
But she's eight more lives to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Hello kids, are you listening?
In Kiev, things are glistening
A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

It began in Chernobyl
But the cloud's goin' global
We'll all feel just fine
We'll sip iodine
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

Near the meltdown we can build a snowman
And we'll name him Andrei or Mikhail
Then we'll sit around and watch him glow, man
Until we duck the phosphorescent hail

Lots of folks will expire
As they sit by the fire
The stacks will look neat
Encased in concrete
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

La la la, la de da da
La la la, la de da da
La dee da da da
La dee da da da
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

(Repeat above verse)

Oh, we can all go have bone marrow transplants
Maybe somehow we will all survive
We'll have lots of fun in chemother'py
When we sport growths in 2025!

Gone away is the sun here
Here to stay is the nuclear
We'll play in the snow
We'll laugh and we'll glow
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland!

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Axes swing, are you listenin'?
Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge
In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
or plot our BIORYTHM for a year;
Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
Zing those bats when they thump us.
OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

 

[SINthysist]

BAH! HUMBUG!!

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bacardi.
I didn't get saused,
But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Someone caught me dancing with a snowman.
Policemen came and put me in their car.
They asked, 'Are you drunk?' And I said, 'No, man,
But could you drop me off at the next bar?'

I guess my wife must be missing;
Who's this dog that I kissing?
They say his name's 'Spot',
And he likes me...a lot!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bacardi.
I didn't get saused,
But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I was looking for a lady I could dance with,
And so I stood beneath the mistletoes.
Someone said, 'You'd have a better chance if
You take the lamp shade off and put back on your clothes'!

Well it's time to be going.
I'm naked! Is it still snowing?
It's time I should leave,
But I'll be back New Year's Eve!!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze!
What a party!! Don't you wish you were me?!?!?

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, for her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pan-ty hose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
With little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walking' round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say "are you ready?" We'll say "Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until the wife is out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin' round in women's underwear

Lacy things, missin'
Didn't ask, permission
Wearin' her clothes
Silk panty hose
Walkin' round in women's underwear
Walkin' round in women's underwear
Walkin' round in women's underwear

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found
the place was occupied
by three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse
than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?


The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
it must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in there,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace
and hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!


The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
and I would like to find
the crummy little creep
who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes
and one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He is gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)

He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your rooms,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So, you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

 

[teddybear4play]

"Christmas At Ground Zero"
"Weird Al" Yankovic
Polka Party!

It's Christmas at ground zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carollers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That "This is not a test..."

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at ground zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at ground zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at ground zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at ground zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke! We're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday!


TB4p

 

[teddybear4play]

"The Night Santa Went Crazy"
"Weird Al" Yankovic
Bad Hair Day

Down in the workshop
All the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls
And the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in,
Nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands
And cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots
He was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled
Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said
With a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all . . .
Now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now
He decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces
Of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers
And he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into
Reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer
With an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
Just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower
And he barbecued Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said
"It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, "Oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy"

***Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy
And Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs
Working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus,
She's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' 'bout —
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped
Whoa, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Whoa, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped . . .
In his brain . . .


***Extra Gory Third Verse: sung live in concerts, found on the B-side of the "Gump" single:

Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the S.W.A.T. team
Blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend now
He has his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy
To kick around anymore
Well now there's no more presents
For the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line
To file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus
She's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights . . .



TB4p

 

[DarkAngel]

Todd you post one more Chirstmas Carol an I when open you skull will a crowbar!