To the person who sent this feedback:

[Angeline]

regarding my story My Funny Valentine


Angeline,
I just read your Valentine story. I have to say that it read like a poet wrote it, By that I mean that it lacks adjectives and modifiers. I feel that it is too stark and brusk to be a "well written" story. In a story you have the room to use the words you chop out in a poem.

Also I feel you use the name "Dani" far too much in the story. It gives a feeling of "distance" to a story that should require emotional closeness to really work.

JMHO, <°)))><

I really appreciate that you read the story and took time to give specific feedback--critical feedback is a good thing! This is only the third story I have ever written, so I want to understand your points. But since your feedback was anonymous --I can't get in touch with you.

Here are a few questions I had.

1. I don't write particularly "spare" poetry, but I understand what you are saying. Could you send me a few titles of stories that you think have the right amount of modifiers, so that they are appropriately descriptive? I think detail is critical to a good story, so I would like to get a better sense of what you mean.

2. You say I use the main character's name too often, but the story is written in the third person. Do you think it would have more emotional impact in the first person (i.e., "I" instead of "Dani")? Do you think, in general, that stories should be written that way to draw the reader in?

I'm hoping you see this and will answer either here or pm or email. My questions are sincere--I really want to know what you think--it's my way of learning.

Thanks again.

A

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'm not your anonymous guy, but I do know a little....

The POV doesn't matter. What draws the reader in is the emotional closeness they get to the character. It's somebody they love, they hate, whatever. As long as they feel connected in someone. They care about the character and what happens to her.

The distance you put between the reader and your characters is going to get in the way of that.

Think about your own "comfort zones" in life. What you read, usually third person past tense. How you speak, how you use pronouns, how you describe things. You can manipulate comfort zones to manipulate the reader's emotions. Sounds sorry, but that's what good fiction does.

So, no, don't use names unless necessary to identify who is speaking. Evern worse is to identify them by some other thing, like "the blonde." So, use a pronoun as often as possible. Then the proper name when you can't. Last resort, particularly when you want to shove the reader away from your character, refer to that character as an object, the woman, the blonde, the dog.

Stick with third person limited because it's a really good POV to stretch your writing wings in. First person is the easiest to write in, but (IMHO) third person limited is the easiest to write well in.

I would restructure your first paragraph, too.

Get home, then fall apart. Get home, then fall apart. Daniella stormed into her apartment, slamming the door hard behind her. Her head hurt; the temples throbbed. All she could do was repeat the mantra that had played a litany in her thoughts since she left the office: Get home, then fall apart.

Three repetitions is another comfort zone. That phrase is awfully interesting. You use that in the first line and you're setting the hook in your reader's mind.

Another thing, don't put thoughts in quotation marks. Only spoken words go there. If you tag it--as in thought Dani--then you don't need to do anything at all, punctuation wise. Actually, doing thoughts is funny. In my mind, the only time you ever need to say "thought" is when you need to make it obvious that the fact that it's thought is important and saying so will further the character development. If you're doing it right, then you're in the character's thoughts already.

Take this quote from your work:

"Jack said he wasn't sure if you were bringing sheet music or a tape. I can accompany you, but I have a tape, too, if you'd rather."

"Jack? Sheet music? I have to speak up, " thought Dani. The man had jumped onto the stage now and was testing the mike.

A quick edit:

"Jack said he wasn't sure if you were bringing sheet music or a tape. I can accompany you, but I have a tape, too, if you'd rather."

Jack? Sheet music? She frowned.

The man had jumped onto the stage now and was testing the mike.


Since you were already in her POV, there's no need to make it clear she's the one thinking it. Because you want to make it clear she's confused, you'll have to "tag" it in some way. The best way to tag anything is through body language. It shows the audience what they need to know without the dreadful bore of telling them.

In this situation, I don't think I would actually think the phrase "I have to speak up." I would be thinking, "What the hell?" I would be confused, not figuring out that I need to make things clear. I would be wanting others to make it clear to me. I would think "Huh?" or say "Huh?" out loud.


The reason why your formatting is all screwy is because of the spaces you put into your text. Make sure and double space between all the paragraphs. Particularly when you get to dialogue, there must be an extra return or it will get all run together in one paragraph like it did.

Example:

"Hello."
"Hi!"
"How are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~

Will come out like this:

"Hello." "Hi!" "How are you?" ~~~~~~~~~~

Do it this way:

"Hello."

"Hi!"

"How are you?"

~~~~~~~~

Further story text....

Modifiers? Skip that advice. Modifiers are telling, not showing. Use them judiciously, just like you do adverbs in poetry. What he wants are details, things that give it ambience and bring it to life. You can do that with a few well placed sentences. Use emotive things. Like when she first enters the bar:

She peered through the plate glass into an empty room, taking in the small stage and dance floor, the curve of the silver bar, and the scattered round tables covered in cool blue linen cloth. There were dwarf trees in silver pots twinkling with fairy lights. She looked up and realized that the ceiling was painted to look like a night sky, and twinkled with tiny fiber optic lights as well.

This is what's known as descriptive narrative. You've got a nice piece of description on what the bar looks like. However, there's nothing to really attach us or the character to it. What does it feel like to the character? Does she briefly imagine dancing under the stars as a child? Does she think about hot kisses under the stars while wrapped in a blanket? You can bring description alive through the character's reactions. It makes it more than just a place.

Hope this helps.



Oh yeah, an example. Here's one from my own library:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=63647

Here's a good one from Weird Harold:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=384

Here's a good one from Whispersecret:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31647

Here's a good one from Dixon Carter Lee (who uses too many attributives--yes, everyone's a critic!):

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=24

 

[sirhugs]

a thought on thoughts

on another thread ( in another forum?) , Weird Harold suggests using single quote marks for thoughts, so I have adopted and advocated that. It seemes to work. KM is right that putting them in double quotes is confusing.

I like using 'thoughts' like dialogue to break up the text and improve the visual appeal of my stories.

 

[Guest]

Check out my threads for good stories.

I'm the Law around here.

 

[Angeline]

Thank You All

KM,you rule woman. That post of yours is very very helpful.

Especially the following:

This is what's known as descriptive narrative. You've got a nice piece of description on what the bar looks like. However, there's nothing to really attach us or the character to it. What does it feel like to the character? Does she briefly imagine dancing under the stars as a child? Does she think about hot kisses under the stars while wrapped in a blanket? You can bring description alive through the character's reactions. It makes it more than just a place.

I never considered that, but, duh--of course!

And SirHugs, ty as well for the suggestion--I used double quote marks to indicate my characters' thoughts because I wanted to indicate them as internal dialogue, but it bugged me that I then could not distinguish them from the spoken stuff.

And Vodka guy, still looking for your "Boss" badge, but I'll check out your page and ty.

 

[Guest]

I've read the first two paragraphs, and I know this one is good.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Weird Harold suggests using single quote marks for thoughts, so I have adopted and advocated that.

I tremble at the thought of disagreeing with Weird Harold, and I'll admit there are some UK/US differences when it comes to single quotation marks. But in the US, the "bible" is the Chicago Manual of Style, and it says single quote marks should designate quotes within quotes, (Sam said, "I heard Joe shout, 'Come here!'" not thoughts.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Whispersecret]

Inner monologues/thoughts should be either

--shown in italics, or

--tagged as such by an attributive, such as:

That's funny, Martha thought, Jim never drinks a second cup at home.

I have never in a printed book seen single quotation marks to mark a character's thoughts.