To paraphrase John Cougar (Mellencamp)...

[JJRoderick]

"I need a lover that won't drive me FRICKIN' crazy!"

Jeez... my first wife left because I discovered histories of abuse in her family and didn't want to be around them. I had a couple relationships that didn't work out, and now my wife of two years just CHEATED on me!

Just thought I'd vent a bit... friends say I didn't do anything wrong, so I ask you this:

Of the ladies (or men) that DID cheat on your spouses, what made that other person not deserve your commitment and respect anymore?

I figure it's gotta be something I'm doing, or it wouldn't happen, right?

 

[Monazwx]

It's not you dude.

Seriously, people who cheat have something going on inside and then want to say that it's because of the other partner. If there was a problem with you, she should have said so before and then left your @ss.

But, she went behind your back instead. What was up with your first wife anyway? And how are you picking these "worthy" gals?

I can't stand cheaters (except for threesomes, of course, lol).

 

[Calamity Jane]

Re: It's not you dude.

Seriously, people who cheat have something going on inside and then want to say that it's because of the other partner. If there was a problem with you, she should have said so before and then left your @ss.

It's not always that easy, Mona. It almost never is that easy.

Life isn't black and white. People cheat for a variety of reasons, probably at least as many reasons as there are people. Sometimes the reasons are pretty fucking stupid, and sometimes, seeking outside relationships is the only way you can survive.

I doubt it's all JJR's fault that his spouse cheated. But I also seriously doubt that 100% of the blame lies with her.

 

[bored1]

My spouse did not do anything to make be be unfaithful.I was a selfish asshole who thought I could have it all....It was all about me........The only good that came out of it was that I finally began to address and acknowledge the fact that I was sexually abused as a boy..Something that I had repressed and denied affected me for years........ Not an excuse just a mitigating factor.....Cheating is wrong..betraying someones trust is wrong...there are no excuses or justifications

 

[Quiet_Cool]

My spouse did not do anything to make be be unfaithful.I was a selfish asshole who thought I could have it all....It was all about me........The only good that came out of it was that I finally began to address and acknowledge the fact that I was sexually abused as a boy..Something that I had repressed and denied affected me for years........ Not an excuse just a mitigating factor.....Cheating is wrong..betraying someones trust is wrong...there are no excuses or justifications

Good for you, bored1! Admitting when you're wrong is the second best thing you can do after the fact; the best being learn from your actions and change. It's nice to see some maturity on the board (not that it isn't there, but it isn't always represented well on the board).

Originaly posted by pagancowgirl
Life isn't black and white. People cheat for a variety of reasons, probably at least as many reasons as there are people. Sometimes the reasons are pretty fucking stupid, and sometimes, seeking outside relationships is the only way you can survive

Not passing judgement, but...HUH?
I realize that no situation is black and white, and fault is often harder to realize than it is to just point fingers and blame, but things can always be done in a more...shall we say appropriate way, than to just cheat and expect someone else to deal. That's selfish in a way that hurts others, and that makes it wrong! And while people do have problems that make them this way, it doesn't condone their actions. If anything, it creates problems that are more, less, or equally painful for the person who winds up the victim for their actions. And we know what happens to yesterday's victim, don't we?

 

[Calamity Jane]

Not passing judgement, but...HUH?
I realize that no situation is black and white, and fault is often harder to realize than it is to just point fingers and blame, but things can always be done in a more...shall we say appropriate way, than to just cheat and expect someone else to deal. That's selfish in a way that hurts others, and that makes it wrong! And while people do have problems that make them this way, it doesn't condone their actions. If anything, it creates problems that are more, less, or equally painful for the person who winds up the victim for their actions. And we know what happens to yesterday's victim, don't we?

There's no judgement to pass. I've never cheated on my spouse. I've known people who have though, and sometimes it is a survival thing. I'm not talking just physical cheating... developing deep emotional attachments to others that you feel you need to keep hidden is a form of 'cheating'.

I didn't say that cheating was ok. I didn't say that the spouse should 'just deal' with it. I said that there are sometimes very deep, very painful reasons for outside attachments that go beyond 'fault'.

 

[Monazwx]

Pagan Cowgirl

I never meant to make it seem as black and white as it sounded. My main point was that they needed to talk through their problems before looking for someone else.

The third party never ever causes the relationship to stay together.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Apologies if necessary

There's no judgement to pass. I've never cheated on my spouse. I've known people who have though, and sometimes it is a survival thing. I'm not talking just physical cheating... developing deep emotional attachments to others that you feel you need to keep hidden is a form of 'cheating'.

I didn't say that cheating was ok. I didn't say that the spouse should 'just deal' with it. I said that there are sometimes very deep, very painful reasons for outside attachments that go beyond 'fault'.

I didn't mean to be harsh, or judgemental toward anyone, not just you... However, I disagree to a point...
Nothing is beyond fault, no matter how you look at it. To the person experiencing these deep emotional attachments, or physically cheating, it may seem that way, but to the person being cheated on, it won't. Either way, someone is being hurt, whether they realize it or not, and that person is in position to pass judgement and claim fault, regardless of whether or not the judgements they pass are fair or accurate. They're given that right when they're cheated on.
Usually, when developing these deep emotional attachments, there is a reason why one would feel the need to keep them secret...that reason should perhaps, motivate this person to another course of action...they want one or the other. It is as simple as that, and if they can't decide, perhaps neither is really what they need in their lives.
You know what I mean?

 

[JJRoderick]

...

Thanks for responding, everyone. My confidence is still shot, but it's good to hear what y'all have to say. Thanks.

 

[Ishmael]

There's no judgement to pass.

Yes there is. A marriage is a vow. If you don't beleive in it, don't take the vow and get married. If you screw around outside your marriage, you broke the vow. The demise of the marriage IS your fault.

I didn't say that cheating was ok. I didn't say that the spouse should 'just deal' with it. I said that there are sometimes very deep, very painful reasons for outside attachments that go beyond 'fault'.

Nope, if you're unhappy. Tell your spouse. He/she has earned the right to mend their ways. That too is part of the vow. If you're still unhappy, then leave. Get a divorce. Don't tell me that it can't be done. If they can fuck behind your back, they sure as shit can move out to.

To JJR. You made bad choices dude. Been there done that too. Bad choices can be habit forming. Break the habit.

Ishmael