To my fellow depressives and dysthymics

[Huckleman2000]

This is way too long. Sorry. The basic question is, did I go over the edge in sending an email to people I worked closely with, or were affected in their job by my illness? I sent it to them all in the "blind-CC", and it was really just a small subset of the company who were probably personally affected. You can skip to the email within the quote box. The rest is background.

A couple weeks ago, they eliminated my position at work. Today (Friday) is my last day, and I've had real problems getting to work in the interim - I've been absent/working from home a few days, I've been late others, and I've declined to participate much in some company social activities. I've been "on notice" since last fall about my sporadic lateness and absences, which are due to my chronic depression, or dysthymia. The management and HR knows about that, and I've had to document my illness under FMLA regulations with my doctor. I've been under regular treatment since it became an issue, and I update the HR people whenever they ask. I've been making my deadlines and doing all my work and making up time that I miss, but sometimes I can't get out of bed and I can't call in before 9AM and I panic, so I get there late in the morning. It doesn't happen when I have meetings (just once), and I've been doing good work according to peer reviews.

They recently hired someone to take over some functions that were previously handled by me and an outside consultant. My responsibilities in that function were mainly administrative, and not really a very good use of my time, so I was supportive of the new hire. Unfortunately, there was a perception somewhere along the line that relieving me of these tasks eliminated enough of my time that they couldn't justify my position any longer. In a word, "DOH!"

The company is being 'decent' insofar as giving me severance and positioning the change as "a change in company direction" and not at all related to my performance. they're just not going to do enough of that sort of research to justify a full-time job anymore. "It's totally a business decision" is the mantra, though I'd be an idiot not to realize that the FMLA sword over their head, coupled with my position in an advisory research role that isn't always in line with management assumptions, isn't a factor. They're doing what they can to eliminate that as a factor, but basically I think it's a "buy out the crazy person who disagrees with us sometimes" sort of move. They'll evolve.

So, in the last two weeks I've been a veg. There's a 'Casino Cruise' company event on my last day, and I'm not going. Some of my colleagues have been trying to get me to go, since it's my last day and it's a party and all that...

Here is the email I wrote to people I work closely with, or who have been affected:

Hi,

Probably, at some time over the last two weeks (or year), I haven’t been here at the office, or I’ve come in late, and that has affected what you do in your job. Or, I haven’t joined in department or company parties (I don’t plan on going on the cruise this Friday, either). I’m sorry about that.

I want you to know that it’s not out of ill will towards the company, or personal dislike, or anything like that. At least, not mostly I have a condition called Dysthymia that is a chronic, low-grade type of clinical depression. I don’t mean to say that’s an excuse – I take medication and see a doctor regularly to help control it – but despite that, it does disrupt things from time to time. Some of you are more aware of this than others, but I doubt it’s much of a surprise. The last couple of weeks, it’s been a lot more disruptive than usual.

Without getting into brain chemistry and genetics, the simple explanation is that my brain tends to run in circles, or more accurately, spirals. For some things, like analysis, that’s actually kind of useful – every time an idea comes around the carousel, maybe I understand it a little more, or see it in a different context. I have to do things to break the spirals, though, like get up and walk around or read something else. For things like falling asleep, it sucks. That sort of thing happens to everyone now and then, but for dysthymics, that’s how it is almost all the time, year in, year out. Generally, the spiral is going positive or negative in outlook, but the natural tendency is negative, and it takes energy to counteract that – energy that sleeplessness really saps. Sometimes when I first wake up, I can’t get my brain out of the spiral, and it takes awhile to not be a veg.

I’ve had it all my life, but never even realized it. I sort of thought everyone was like that, even though, in retrospect, I didn’t know very many people like that at all. Go figure. About 8 years ago, I lapsed into what they call a Double Depression, and that’s when I started learning more about it. That’s not a good way to find out, believe me. With Dysthymia, though, it’s like you’ve always got one foot on that side of the line. So when shit happens, you have to try and resist that downward spiral; part of that is not putting yourself in situations where you’re likely to get more depressed. In my current state, spending three hours trapped on a boat, drinking and losing fake money with people, some of whom I’m quite fond of but most of whom I’ll never see again, sounds like a recipe for disaster. :-/ I know, that’s a negative way of looking at it – maybe it would be fun and laughs, maybe I’ll feel differently on Friday… but I wouldn’t count on it, and that doesn’t mean that I don’t normally appreciate spending time with you all, it just means that right now I probably shouldn’t be putting myself in that situation.

A few people emailed me back and were very supportive. My manager forwarded the email to HR and sort of freaked out that I was maybe making people uncomfortable by being so personal over company email. There is also someone in the department with diabetes, and everyone knows about that, though it's never been broadcast in an email.

Is my next appearance as one of Jerry's Kids?

 

[hugo_sam]

.......

 

[English Lady]

I think it was good of you to send the email -it will help alot of people understand you and what's going on, and it will put minds at ease. I'd say it was a good use of company email, and as you're leaving, you shouldn't be overly bothered anyway.

I think there were far worse things you could have circulated in an email as a disgruntled just been axed employee. *nods*

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, explaining your actions is not a bad thing at all.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Thank you, Hugo_sam and English Lady!

My psychologist told me today that it was a good thing to tell people what was up. Still, she also told me that I'm doing well because I can carry on a conversation and be animated and involved. I appreciate that, but let's face it, it's a pretty low hurdle in the grand scheme of things. I'm really trying not to slip into a Major Depression over this - I'm trying to use all the things I've learned in therapy, because I'm not very confident in the meds coming through in the clutch. I think the meds might make a soft landing possible, but I'm going to have to fire the rockets at the right time and such.

Oh, to be a slave to a weak metaphor!
My life is best described as comedy
Tho' I can only live it as it comes.

A couple of lines I'm saving for my Elizabethan Comedy, "Dom Fellatio"

 

[rgraham666]

You're handling it well, Huck. Much better than I ever did.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

*HUGS*

 

[neonlyte]

A few people emailed me back and were very supportive. My manager forwarded the email to HR and sort of freaked out that I was maybe making people uncomfortable by being so personal over company email. There is also someone in the department with diabetes, and everyone knows about that, though it's never been broadcast in an email.

Sorry to see you going through this. A company can be a strange animal, the kind that sometimes eats its young. They tend to hate any unpredictable event and it is unfortunate that they likely view you as an 'unpredictable event'. It sounds to me that you have been completely up-front with management, and co-workers which is probably a better deal for you than for them. Within any group of people there will be individuals who cannot or will not understand you clinical condition, quite possibly due to their own insecurity and this unfortunate notion of being 'tainted by association'.

I wish you every success in controlling your condition and moving forward with your life. make sure you get damn good references citing your ability to perform your job.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I don't have personal experience with the depression you describe, but I do have moderate social anxiety disorder. I've had it all my life, and like you, didn't know it until about a year ago. It causes me to sometimes act in ways that some might consider strange, and I've finally started to tell people about it, so they will understand why I do the things I do. People have been very supportive and understanding and now they know I'm not just a freak.
Like you said, not an excuse, just a reason. I think you did the right thing. People now understand the truth and as you move on, maybe you can build on that.

 

[Aurora Black]

You did the right thing, Huck. I'm glad that some of the responses have been supportive. If there was anyone who didn't understand what you're going through (I'm dysthymic, too) and looked at you like I-don't-know-what, fuck them. You won't be bothered with them again, anyway.

 

[Pure]

i'm sorry to hear of your being let go. certainly depression can lead to the work related issues you describe. i think you had a right to tell others, though perhaps i'd have given less detail.

it sounds like you have a handle on the problem. i hope some pharmaceutical out there can help with the 'brain chemistry'; several people here have reported that. keep up your contacts with friends and their activities, i'd say, even activities you might not do for their own sake.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Thank you all for the honest and supportive answers! I made it through the day, although I got to work just as everyone was leaving, which was good. I got to pack up my desk by myself and didn't have to go through endless goodbyes. I'll stop in sometime next week and go out for Happy Hour with a few people, and hopefully that will continue with the people I've gotten close to.

Thank you Carson and Aurora and Rob for the personal experiences you mentioned. Sometimes I just want to say "This isn't the real me! There's a happy person in here somewhere!"

 

[Guest]

 

[JRaven]

I can't say if you did the right thing. But you certainly did the honest, gutsy thing.
I respect you for that.

On a somewhat scarey note, you describe how I feel way too accurately. But I've already been let go and have no insurance.

Jenny

 

[Katyusha]

A few people emailed me back and were very supportive. My manager forwarded the email to HR and sort of freaked out that I was maybe making people uncomfortable by being so personal over company email. There is also someone in the department with diabetes, and everyone knows about that, though it's never been broadcast in an email.

Is my next appearance as one of Jerry's Kids?

Katyusha <----- suffers from seasonal-affective disorder. This past winter was especially difficult because of a lot of changes that caused a lot of problems, and I've been having a hard time pulling out of it this spring/summer (usually by now the overcast days don't bother me...this year they're killing me). I understand completely what you're going through; how hard it is not to fall into a major depressive episode because of crap going on. I'm really sorry that they axed your job like that, and I understand how difficult it is to believe them when they say it's not due to your having been on notice about attendance.

I think you did a good thing by emailing people and letting them know about you. If nothing else, it might get them off your case about going to the company event on the casino-boat. I don't think I would go either, to be honest, because like you said, it probably isn't a healthy thing for you to do. What IS important is that you work through this as best you can and take extremely good care of yourself. YOU are what's important, not some company event hosted by someone you effectively no long work for. I'm glad that some people are being supportive, I hope that you get more supportive responses.

 

[shereads]

Before I say anything else, Huck, let me remind you that you have a debiliating illness that has cost you your job, and can probably qualify for financial assistance. It isn't a crutch; it's a safety net that you've paid for in your years as a taxpayer.

Google up some financial help for your disability. It's as real as any other. You've been brave this long; you owe it to yourself to get some relief.



I was faced with the same situation. So far, I've been lucky that medication has helped me get back ontrack. But before it began to work, I not only missed deadlines but sometimes went for days at a time without letting them know where I was or how to get in touch with me. I was too ashamed of my illness to tell the truth, despised myself for being tempted to lie - so I let shame build on shame and left them dangling. I wondered why they didn't tell me to take a hike. If the meds hadn't kicked in and helped me work up the courage to tell my boss what was going on, they would have had no choice. As it turns out, the owner of the company - my supervisor - had also suffered from depression. He didn't admit it (I learned about his depression later, from someone else) but told me he knew what I was going through because he had 'a friend' who'd been there.

I was so lucky, Huck. I know people who go through hell trying to get help for clinical depression. Some are resistant to anti-depressant drugs; some find help and then run out of insurance coverage and have to fall back on less effective treatments. The day might come when I'm uninsured, too, and can't afford the medication that's worked so well for me. In the meantime, the drug itself helps me fend off the worry until the time comes to deal with it.

It's ironic that we are fortunate to live in a time when depression is known to have physiological causes that are no more our 'fault' than a lack of insulin is the fault of someone with diabetes. We know this, yet the knowledge is so recent and so poorly understood, we feel ashamed of ourselves. I never gave drug use a second thought when it was to help a headache or get me high, but when it was to treat depression, I was so ashamed I could hardly swallow the first pill. I had read enough to know better, but part of me still thought I should have the willpower to get better.

No one would dream of telling a diabetic to get a grip and stop relying on insulin injections. But people who haven't suffered from chronic depression - or who have found effective help without months or years of trial-and-error - often think nothing of suggesting that we should just snap out of it. As if it were possible to 'snap out' of relentless, crippling despair.

To have chronic depression is to feel grief when there is no reason to grieve. This is a good time for people who want to understand mood disorder illnesses to consider what it would be like to face debilitating, tearful grief every single day, because your brain has lost the ability to recover. To feel joy or even simple optimism isn't possible when the part of you that processes those feelings isn't working. Facing people who wonder why you've turned into a slacker requires more than optimism; it requires an acting job that can only fool people until you're faced with a simple assignment you can't read and comprehend. Our symptoms can make us seem lazy and self-indulgent, when the truth is, as anyone will know who's been where you are now, it takes enormous courage to face each day.

Good luck, sweetie. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and every reason to be proud that you faced this with courage and grace. You probably won't believe that now; it's hard to believe anything positive about yourself. But someday I hope you'll look back on what you've been through and see yourself through my eyes. You've been through hell and handled it like a hero.

EDITED TO ADD: Of course you did the right thing. You did what felt right and necessary. Don't second-guess yourself or take seriously anyone so caught up in corporate politics that they'd add to your burden by criticizing you now.

Somewhere in your company, there's at least one person who's suffering the early symptoms of a mood disorder, read your e-mail and was helped by it.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I can't say if you did the right thing. But you certainly did the honest, gutsy thing.
I respect you for that.

On a somewhat scarey note, you describe how I feel way too accurately. But I've already been let go and have no insurance.

Jenny

I'm so sorry. In the strange succession of jobs I've had over the last 5 years, the one thing I have feared most is not having insurance. Not whether I would kill myself, not whether I would lose my house, (although those have been fears), but that I might never have insurance to cover this illness that I will have the rest of my life. Washington state, where I live, finally passed a law last year that mandated care for mental illnesses that was no different from care for other illnesses. Last year, they paid only 50% of any visit to my shrink - this year, it's just the co-pay like any other doctor visit. It took me months to get caught up on that account! I don't know what I would do without visiting my psychologist - she's really good, and that makes such a difference!

I would suggest that you try to find services from a medical university, if there's one near where you live. My shrink supervises students in clinical psych, and the clients receive care from a supervised learner-shrink for free. She seems to have trouble scrounging up clients for them, although I could think of dozens of people that would benefit from therapy. There are also many clinical trials for psych medications going on - it's a hot topic for research nowadays. I think that's because life is sucking for a lot more people now.

Anyway, thanks for saying that my description was accurate - I actually thought long and hard about how to try to explain it in a way that people might understand it, and it was hard because I didn't really know if that was different from other people's experience or not. I mean, if I described it and everyone said, "Yeah? So what?" I'd be really confused.

 

[Huckleman2000]

[a really great post]

Shereads, that made me cry, and you usually make me laugh.

That, my dear, is TALENT!

Thanks.

 

[shereads]

Shereads, that made me cry, and you usually make me laugh.

That, my dear, is TALENT!

Thanks.

Not talent, Huck. Empathy. :hearts and kisses back atcha:

 

[Huckleman2000]

Not talent, Huck. Empathy. :hearts and kisses back atcha:

Call it what you want - you have it in spades.

 

[Katyusha]

Washington state, where I live, finally passed a law last year that mandated care for mental illnesses that was no different from care for other illnesses. Last year, they paid only 50% of any visit to my shrink - this year, it's just the co-pay like any other doctor visit. It took me months to get caught up on that account! I don't know what I would do without visiting my psychologist - she's really good, and that makes such a difference!

That's awesome! I wish my state would pass something like that...even more so, though, I wish my mother's state would pass something like that. I'm so glad that insurance is required to treat psychological therapy like any other medical treatment in your state, it means you can much more easily get the help and care you need.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Huck, I'm glad you were able to share this with us...and I wish you the best in your life.

 

[shereads]

I don't know if this suggestion will be helpful to anyone else, but when things were really looking bad for me at work - partly because of impaired functioning from depression, and partly because bad management was losing clients and threatening the livelihoods of everyone but management - the only entertainment I enjoyed were non-fiction books about survival (or non-survival); as fast as I could find them, I devoured books like Into Thin Air, The Perfect Storm and Into the Wild (true story of misfit kid who leaves home, lives by taking odd jobs and eventually heads off into the Alaska wilderness, equipped with a rifle, a sleeping bag and two large bags of white rice. It wasn't the fact that he was eventually found dead of exposure in an abandoned bus that made me feel empowered by that book; it was that he had apparently survived on his bags of rice and not much else for nearly a year.)

When I was convinced I would not only lose my job but had become unemployable because of my illness, I found strength in stories that reminded me of how little we actually need to survive. Pride is a burden; it convinces us that we have to retain certain things and a certain level of career success to be successful people.

Thank God for Kevin Spacey and American Beauty. ("I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the fast food industry, but surely there's some kind of training program. It's not fair to assume I can't learn.")

Yes, I would like Smily Sauce with that. Yes, if it becomes necessary, I can survive on packets of sauce and still be a worthwhile human being.

Anything better than that scenario is Easy Street.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Some people just don't get it.


and they never will.

You can write it on the fucking walls

and it will still be just words.