To Angel... (First Poem on Lit!)

[IamDJSpyke]

I wrote this to a girl I have a major crush on after I found a "Starter's Bondage Kit" under her bed(hehe)






Angel, I will be your victim.
Sadomize me as you please.
Rape me, Use me.
Fuck me, Abuse me.
Angel, keep me on my knees

Angel I will be your victim.
Tie me up just how you like.
Straps and whips,
Contrast porcelain lips.
Angel I am yours tonight.




I read it to her and she really liked it. Said it made her wet, "but we are just friends" Christ...I don't get girls, lol.

Tell me what you all think.

 

[perks]

I think it is "sodomize"

I think if you want to capitalize in the middle of a line, you should just make it a whole new line.

I think you're missing structure in your second stanza, and structure would be great in this poem, considering the subject matter. "like" and "tonight" do not rhyme, as the corresponding words in the first stanza do.

Incorporate Angel better. I find the poem to be too short, only discussing a minute range of things to be done, instead of sharing any real imagery or emotion.

Pump it up a bit. What about the idea excites you? There is no foreplay in this poem. There is no knowledge of the lifestyle in this poem. Structure your vocabulary and bring out that imagery.



I think if you work some more on it, and really delve into what you want to experience with the girl, instead of just saying "fuck my ass" You would be writing poetry.

Keep practicing, you have an interesting concept. I think you would do well to write this poem about ten more times with different words, and then see what you come up with afterward.

 

[IamDJSpyke]

Ummm...ok.

Look, I write way too many poems to be told I need to re-structure and make it longer and incoorporate this and that. The poem is written exactly as I want it to be written. Alot of my poems don't rhyme at all. Alot of my poems aren't in Stanzas, and some use sentances that are unreadable, scratched out, mispelled(though I did mean "sodomize" thank you) and all of it is there because I wnat it to be. I'm not a freakin classic poet, nor have I ever studied poetry in my life, nor do I give a shit about stanzas and such. I write my poetry the way it comes from my heart, not the way a textbook tells me to. My poetry more resembles street graffiti most often than not. And her poems very much resemble mine. Alot of the scribbled in artistic ways and illegible thoughts. I've written hundreds of poems and songs, and all of them are straight from my heart.

I know you just wanted to help me out and that I kind of went off on you there, but I take it personal when someone critisizes my work, because my work represents me just as I am. I'm not mad at you or anything gay like that for critisizm, because its always good, but I don't think that true poetry should have to be in correct stanzas or explain a life story, or even be spelled right to convay a message. I think that true poetry directly from the heart can be written any way the heart wants to write it.


As far as my poem goes. Read it just like it is there, it's exactly how I meant it. "Rape Me, Use Me. Fuck Me, Abuse Me." That is 2 lines for a reason, as is the "straps and whips, And porcelain lips" in the 2nd section. And the poem is very personal as, her nickname and literary name is simply "Angel" and the porcelain refers to what I call her skin, porcelain. Also, she wrote a poem called victim one time and it was published, so the word victim also was special to her. So this poem has more to it than one would first think.



I only say that poetry is like music and art, very open and with no boundries.

 

[Angeline]

Tell me what you all think.

A few comments in regard to Perky's critique and your response---

I think that if you don't want feedback, you shouldn't ask for it. Perky is a knowlegeable poet who went to some trouble to critique your poem in order to help you. Her suggestions--whether you agree with them or not--are reasonable and, most important, are for your consideration (i.e., they're not commandments). You can take them or not, but to defend yourself by basically saying "no one can tell me anything" defeats the purpose of your request.

Furthermore, it doesn't matter what "style" you write in--whether it's "grafitti" or a sonnet--anyone who thinks they can't learn will never grow as a writer. If you ever want to publish, you will discover that your philosophy will get in the way of success.

Your specific points about your poem are fine for you and Angel, but you should realize that no one else will get your personal references. Therefore, your poem will only have meaning for you and her, in which case you don't need anyone else's opinion.

I have no wish to be rude to you, but I will be honest and say that people who come to this--or most writing boards--and ask for opinions only to get defensive and reject them not only waste everyone's time, but also make it that much less likely for people who want to help to be inclined to do so again.

If you really want to learn about poetry, I (and others here) will be glad to help you. If you don't want feedback, don't ask people what they think--here that means "review my poem." On the other hand, if you want praise, pm me and I'll give you the url for a site where people will say "great job," no matter what you post.

No offense intended. Good luck with your writing.

 

[perks]

I'm not mad at you or anything gay like that for critisizm,

Criticism is gay? Damn, I want to meet her.

 

[darkmaas]

perky_baby said:

Criticism is gay? Damn, I want to meet her.

Sorry perky, but I think that if he meant Gay, the famous literary critic, he would have capitalized. No, I suspect he meant gay in the sense of jolly, and cheerful. And if you parse his sentence carefully, he is refering to his anger as being potentially gay. You have to concede that it is a thought-provoking juxtaposition.

Respectfully,

darkmaas

 

[perks]

perky_baby said:

Sorry perky, but I think that if he meant Gay, the famous literary critic, he would have capitalized. No, I suspect he meant gay in the sense of jolly, and cheerful. And if you parse his sentence carefully, he is refering to his anger as being potentially gay. You have to concede that it is a thought-provoking juxtaposition.

Respectfully,

darkmaas

<grin> gay anger? Well why wouldn't the gay community be angry when lots of people use even their "box label" as some sort of bad thing.

and on a porn board, no less.

 

[Angeline]

Sorry perky, but I think that if he meant Gay, the famous literary critic, he would have capitalized.

Gay Talese? Gay Talese is gay? So that makes him gay Gay Talese? Maybe we can just call him GG--or more precisely gG. I'm getting confused.

 

[perks]

Gay Talese? Gay Talese is gay? So that makes him gay Gay Talese? Maybe we can just call him GG--or more precisely gG. I'm getting confused. [/B]

I think dmaas was saying he wasn't "gay" only that his name is "Gay". not gay literally, or not literally, just his first name is the actual name "Gay".

that's as clear as a brick wall.

 

[Angeline]

i know. just adding to the chaos. i mean the ghayos. lol.

 

[darkmaas]

Surely Gay has his moments of jolliness; chuckles over a bon mot etc. So, Angeline, I suppose he's gay Gay, in that sense. Seems clear to me.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

and on a porn board, no less.

This is a porn board? I'll be damned...

 

[darkmaas]

Deeper Issues

The, er, thrust of this noble thread has been lost I fear.

I feel for poor Spyke. You girls have been here a long time. You should know better. Now don't be looking all perplexed.

You know that I am refering to that most taboo of subjects...

"Punctuation and Male Sexuality"

Ooops! I've said too much.

darkmaas

 

[perks]

*laughing*

And I thought I was being really really nice. <sigh>

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Deeper Issues

The, er, thrust of this noble thread has been lost I fear.

I feel for poor Spyke. You girls have been here a long time. You should know better. Now don't be looking all perplexed.

You know that I am refering to that most taboo of subjects...

"Punctuation and Male Sexuality"

Ooops! I've said too much.

darkmaas

Oh shit....does this have anything to do with the recent study linking insertion of semi-colons with premature ejaculation?

I so love my job...

The Fool....doing his job.

 

[perks]

Re: Re: Deeper Issues

Oh shit....does this have anything to do with the recent study linking insertion of semi-colons with premature ejaculation?

I so love my job...

The Fool....doing his job.

Coordinating conjunctions are the remedy.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Re: Re: Deeper Issues

Coordinating conjunctions are the remedy.

Is that similar to forecasting foreplay events that lead to assigned assignations? Or is that closer to stereotyped sexual scenarios played out by two-bit players for small change? I am most certain that the remedial remedy is the mandatory manifestation of fearless fellatio leading to a coordinating conjunction of cunnilingus resulting in sexual serendipity for said sexual explicated encounter.

No this doesn’t make a bit of fucking sense…

 

[perks]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Deeper Issues

Is that similar to forecasting foreplay events that lead to assigned assignations? Or is that closer to stereotyped sexual scenarios played out by two-bit players for small change? I am most certain that the remedial remedy is the mandatory manifestation of fearless fellatio leading to a coordinating conjunction of cunnilingus resulting in sexual serendipity for said sexual explicated encounter.

No this doesn’t make a bit of fucking sense…

literate alliteration?

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Deeper Issues

literate alliteration?

Hey hun... I never litter, all my trash goes in the trash. Except my stories which go on Lit.

 

[IamDJSpyke]

Jesus Fuck!

What the hell are you guys talking about? rofl, people think too much, hahaha...I don't think I used the best word for that situation, but I meant it in a general way. I didn't mean to offend anyone, as my girlfriend and MANY of my friends are bi/gay. I have no problem with homosexuals. I used the term just how you think I meant to use it, I didn't intend to offend anyone, and absoloutly cannot stand censorship, so don't even start! I love everyone, even when they use "gay" in a thousand ways and make no sense doing so, lol.

I don't care if people fuck around in my thread, just read my poem before you do and I'll be happy. AND MAKE SOME FRIGGIN SENSE!












***OK, I know that I asked for critisizm, and I fully expected it. Anyone who has any thoughts about my work I fully accept, or I wouldn't put it on display. I'm a musician, artist, and writer because I enjoy people's opinions. However, read his critisizm(I say his cus it's the only one I've had, lol) He basically said that there was no structure, no decent content, my punctuation was off, my phrases were wrong...None of which I agreed with. Therefore I came witha rebutle. I feel that if he only critisizes the format of people's work, he's missing the point of poetry. I beleive that I used the punctuation that best suited how I wanted it read. The format was best suited to how I felt writing it.

I respect all poetry from the perfection of Robert Frost to the abstract artistry of Jean Michelle Basqiat, to the Incredibly assembled lyrisism of Mos Def. What form do any of these share with each other?

Anyway, I meant to offend no one, and welcome all forms of thought! Back to the mindless ramblings!

 

[Angeline]

Sorry

We were just being silly--many of us have been posting here too long, but I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. That's not a nice welcome here for you.

I find the use of "gay" as an general descriptive term (as applies to homosexuals) offensive. I'm not saying anything about you for having used it. I just think it perpetuates stereotypes and that ain't helping anyone.

As far as your argument about form, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone more willing to accept variation in form than me. I love everything from Chaucer and Shakespeare to Langston Hughes and the Harlem Rennaissance poets to more recent voices that reflect hip hop culture, rap, and the slam movement. I've spent the past year reading poetry from other cultures--from Latin America, the Middle East, Africa. I also think change is good--we can learn and become better writers from that.

Having said all this, I still conclude that it doesn't matter what form you use--poetry is writing and writing is communication between a writer and a reader. If as your reader, I get nothing from your poem, you as its writer have two choices:

1. She knows nothing. I knew what I meant.
2. I'm not sure, but I'll think about it. Maybe I'll learn something.

People who always go with choice 1 don't learn and, hence, don't grow as writers. You can always conclude that you don't agree, but at least keep an open mind. And if you (i.e., a person--not you specifically) ask 10 people what they think and 5 say fix something, that should tell you there's room for improvement. If writing doesn't communicate, then what's the point?

And I'm saying all this not to criticize you or your poem, but to say in general that "form" is not a justification for mediocrity.

 

[darkmaas]

Psst Spyke....

The ruffleduck is a duck not a drake. The easy way to tell is to check the tail. See the rounded form. In this case she's even added the ruffles help the novice duck sexer.

No need to thank me.

darkmaas

 

[perks]

I saaaaaaaaaaid, I think you have an interesting concept that gets lost in your lack of structure and missing vocabulary. There is nothing in the poem that says, OMG, DJ wrote this. Your voice is sooo quiet! There is nothing that tells me who angel is. There is nothing that tells me how you will feel when she sodomizes you. There is nothing that tells me that she wants a victim.

You had to precursor your entire poem to clue us in on what the hell is going on. Your poem should tell me.


If I say

bubba, fuck me in the ass

it doesn't tell anyone who bubba is to me, who I am, or how either of us feel that I want it. It also doesn't portray that I'm giving bubba any power cause I'm telling him to do it.

Your poem is a GREAT CONCEPT, in fact. I think we should have a contest.

People lets write a poem with the basic concept that we've found a friend with a hidden BDSM starter kit under their bed. We are so interested in being in love with that person and in that kind of relationship, that we want to pledge ourselves to that person through poetry. Use the words: Angel and Victim.


and yep, uh huh, I'm a girl. Thanks to those who notice.

 

[TheDR4KE]

I wrote this to a girl I have a major crush on after I found a "Starter's Bondage Kit" under her bed(hehe)






Angel, I will be your victim.
Sadomize me as you please.
Rape me, Use me.
Fuck me, Abuse me.
Angel, keep me on my knees

Angel I will be your victim.
Tie me up just how you like.
Straps and whips,
Contrast porcelain lips.
Angel I am yours tonight.




I read it to her and she really liked it. Said it made her wet, "but we are just friends" Christ...I don't get girls, lol.

Tell me what you all think.

From a D&s perspective, punctuation is used to indicate the relationship. If you are a submissive, you would never write "I", but rather "i", as part of that submission, while any reference to the Dominant would be capitalised:


Angel, i will be Your victim.


Spelling mistakes are right out, sorry I see your point that writing the words as they come from you makes the poem more of a reflection of who you are. To me, however, leaving the mistakes in there indicates that you don't wish to change. Life is about experiencing the world, about expressing who you are, and about growth. If I read a poem and get the feeling that the author didn't take the care to better themselves by polishing their poem, I doubt that they can care about me, the reader. Do you see what I mean here? Your poem reflects how you feel about yourself, and that must precede all feelings for others.

Spirituality aside, I think that you didn't get the response you wanted from her because she is interested in being tied up, not in having you as her whiping boy. A different poem might have been more effective. The following is meant as food for thought, and to show one of many alternatives of how punctuation could have been more crafted.

To explain, I've made all actions to the submissive lower case, I've carefully tuned the pacing of the poem with a few changed fullstops and commas, and I've changed a few line ends to question marks. This also is for respect. You don't tell a Dominant what is going to happen. You ask for it to happen. A Dominant may tell a submissive what will happen, but they will ask for permission, for submission, first.

Imagine memorising this, a sheet of paper held in front of you as a focus for her to be safe in, then starting to read it, continuing the second line from memory with a slow and deliberate look up, catching her eyes, holding them and thus her, every sound full of the meaning of the words, as if saying it has already made it so, pausing meaningfully after the first stanza, forcing a decision...


angel, will you be My victim?
sodomize you as I please?
rape you. use you.
fuck you, abuse you.
angel. get down on your knees.

angel, will you be My victim?
tie you up, just how I Like?
let Straps and Whips
contrast porcelain lips.
angel, be Mine for tonight.



Quack

the D

 

[Angeline]

I'd like to state for the record that I have always known perky was a woman and not a guy with a very girly butt and cute panties.