To All Pet Owners:

[Just-Legal]

To all Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1 They live here. You don't.

2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because

they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, as a last resort you could sell their children without a jail sentence.

Whenever I need a smile I can rely on my best friend being bored at work

 

[DesertPirate]

A hearty Well Done to whoever wrote that one

And a big Thank You for posting it for us!

 

[Trinique_Fire]

*wondering if Blaze would actually read this*

 

[neonlyte]

To all Human Owners

To be posted AT EYE LEVEL on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Mr and Ms:

The dishes with the paw print are mine, even the ones you think are yours. I find it extremely offensive to have to eat at the level of the floor when I'm quite capable of eating my food, with you, at the table. Please note, when you have chicken, I have chicken, when you have beef, I have beef, DO NOT expect me to eat the slops left over from your plate, and cats DO NOT eat mashed potato, curry, fish skin, or gristle.

The stairway was designed so I could look you in the eye on the way up. DO NOT kick me as you pass, my teeth are much sharper than you think. Continually locking me out of the bedroom guarantees even more hair on the stair carpet... and I know just how much you hate cleaning that.

Please buy a separate bed for your own use. Sharing my bed is inconvenient to say the least. You snore, make unpleasant smells when you think no one is listening and inhibit any dates I might wish to bring home. Further, frogs are legitimate play things, there is nothing unnatural about playing with frogs, and if I want to play with them in my bedroom... that is my business.

Shutting me out of the house when you bring 'someone home' is distasteful and dangerous. Making all those cooing noises as you shoo me out of the house is patronising, and really rather childish. Do it again and I'll bite you in a place you dare not show your mother.

For the last time, the little door is mine alone. You do not have any right to lock MY DOOR either to keep me in or keep me out. I have a shrewd idea of what's going on when you shut me out, and quite frankly, I must tell you it is disgusting. The cacophony clawing, whining, meowing, etc, is my way of attracting your attention and ensuring you don't make a complete fool of yourself with said 'opposite sex'. Believe me, he/she will not be good for you and may not even like cats. You could end up with no pussy. Also, I have been drinking out of the toilet for years, could yoiu please refrain from using it for any other purpose. Good Lord, I don't shit in my garden, why do you have to shit in my house?

The proper order is kiss me, then go do fellatio. Sometimes the smell on your breath makes me cringe. DON'T EAT GARLIC.

To pacify you, my dear human, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Visiting Humans:

1 This house belongs to the cat, don't drink from the bowl.

2. Stay off the furniture, it's mine.

3. I like my genitals a lot better than I like most people.

4. I have adopted these humans, not you. I am entirely at liberty to bite, scratch, or piss on you as I see fit.

Remember: In many ways, humans are better than cats because they:

1. Do the shopping

2. Have money most of the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to share my bowl

6. Don't hang out with other cats

7. Don't 'spray' on the furniture

8. Can readily replace anything I decide to destroy

9. Never want to lay on my blanket

10. Are prepared to spend a fortune on vet fees for me

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, they will spoil me as they don't want me to feel left out.

Meow

 

[Just-Legal]

I love you Neon

 

[MeiohSetsuna]

Whenever I need a smile I can rely on my best friend being bored at work

This made my day- thank-you!

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Sadly, I've never been able to teach the terror-ier to read anything that she doesn't agree with. Oddly enough, I've got the same problem with the wife . . .