title/feedback please? my first story! mild bdsm

[AlphabetSoup]

Hi there,

I see I'm only supposed to post 300-500 words, so here's about half of it. Any ideas for title/description that'll let people know it's going to be short, minimals & fairly mild (gets kinker though. think it has to go in BDSM category). is it way TOO minimalist?

dialog paragraphing & tagging comprehensible?

Should I stop bothering you all and find myself a volunteer editor to answer these questions?

Anyway... here goes. I've never publically posted any porn before!

------------------------------------------------------------


We must be a little drunk; we haven’t even closed the front door, and she’s up against the wall, coat fallen at her feet, hands moving vaguely, like she’s not sure whether to clutch at me or steady herself. I haven’t even unbuttoned her blouse, but it’s thin, and the bra underneath (hardly necessary) is flimsy lace, so I can get a good grip on her nipples. I’ve never twisted them this hard before. I can’t tell if it hurts – surely the lace pattern abrades her with each squish or roll? (God, I’ll never get over the look of those slender nipples on her little teenager’s tits) – I can’t tell if it hurts, but I think she’s digging it. A little harder, some quick tugging, and her legs start to give way. Luckily she has some support, because I’ve maneuvered my knee between her thighs.

“How do you…? You’re not supposed to be able to do this!”

“Huh?”

“Through my bra… I mean I’m... I could…”

“And through your jeans.”

“Yessssss” she whispers, closing her eyes, opening her mouth, continuing to hump my leg.


When I start to unbutton her jeans she cooperates, steps out of her shoes, wriggles out of the jeans, but slides a look towards the darkened driveway and asks if she can lock the door. With her back turned, sky-blue underpants just visible under the tails of the blouse, how can I resist moving over and encircling her from behind? She reaches behind me for the bulge in my pants, goes up on tip-toe trying to feel it against her ass. I oblige, hunker down, whisper into her ear, “Do you want me to fuck you?” She shakily nods. “I’m going to fuck my little girl.” She lowers her head, rests it against the door.

She says “Saul?”

I have my hands under the blouse, on her hips, tracing her waistband. She says, “I want you to fuck me so bad. I want… first… would you… my nipples… more?”

I know she can hear I’m smiling. “Your nipples more?”

“What you were doing just now. Can we do that? More. Please.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Ummm”

* * *

From her bed, where she now reclines naked & slightly smiling, her eyes follow me round the room, but she looks away when I tell her to play with her nipples. I tell her how much I love it when she gets shy like this. She uses the backs of her knuckles, brushing only the tips. “How must I…?”

 

[Guest]

Follow your own advice and seek out help from one of Lit's volunteer editors. From what I've read here, you have some talent, and you appear to have an idea for a short story.

With that said:
-- Quoted dialogue should be separated with commas from the tag lines.
-- Period at the ends of sentences and dialogue (Ummm.).
-- Don't use "&" instead of "and."
-- Don't overdo the use ellipses ( . . . ). Try a halting dialogue. You'll be surprised how effective it reads.
-- Yessssss,” she whispers, closing her eyes, opening her mouth, continuing to hump my leg.
The "continuing to hump" is a dangling modifier, "too" far from "she"; i.e., her mouth should not be humping your leg (by the way, what is humping your leg?).


Sorry, I have to stop. It's starting to annoy me, LOL.

Best of luck.
Manxy

 

[AlphabetSoup]

Thanks for the encouragement & pointers Manxy!

'Hump' as i've used & understood the word, means:
1: to rhythmically thrust or rub ones crotch against something
2: synonym of 'to lug' or 'to schlep'
3: from the point of view of a hemmorhoid sufferer, the main advantage horses have over camels

You're wrong about the dangling modifier. don't think the sentence is harder to parse than any you'll find pulling a random novel from the shelf of a quality bookshop. and it's grammatically correct.

you're right about the dialog punctuation commas after "he said, she said." I could certainly use a reference guide to punctuation conventions. Dialog is something i find particularly difficult, as I'm always wanting to use a non-tag for a tag, which gets me confused about the paragraphing.

thanks again for respoding!

E

 

[flawed_ethics]

(God, I’ll never get over the look of those slender nipples on her little teenager’s tits)

Eek! This jumped out as a red flag right away! First off, 'teenager's' shouldn't be possessive, unless the sentence read: '...on the little teenager's tits...'. Second, you make her sound underage. I know you meant to refer to her little breasts, but it could be construed otherwise. Personally, I'd drop the whole teenage thing entirely.

Otherwise, it's not too bad. It makes the reader want to scroll down and read more, which is always important. It does suffer from a number of issues, some of which have been brought to light already. It shows potential nonetheless - so i'd say keep it up.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, AS and welcome!

First, 750 words is the min allowed for a story and 3000 + is the norm.

There is a very strict rule against underage (that means 18) sex.

Have a glance through the advice about submissions.

 

[snooper]

... 'teenager's' shouldn't be possessive, unless the sentence read: '...on the little teenager's tits...'. ...

I disagree. There is nothing wrong with this sentence as written, either grammatically or artistically. The use of "her" instead of "the" simply intensifies the reader's sense of the narrator's absorption in what he is doing, and especially to whom he is doing it.

 

[snooper]

... Any ideas for title/description ...

A young man once asked a famous writer what he should call his first novel and launched into a detailed synopsis of the great work.

The writer interrupted to ask, "Are there any drums or trumpets in it?"

"Certainly not, " replied the young man, "It isn't that sort of book at all."

"Then call it No Drums, No Trumpets," came the rejoinder.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I disagree. There is nothing wrong with this sentence as written, either grammatically or artistically. The use of "her" instead of "the" simply intensifies the reader's sense of the narrator's absorption in what he is doing, and especially to whom he is doing it.

I know you're the editor, but isn't the grammatical choice here between;

'her teenage tits' and 'The teenager's tits'.

In the first example, surely 'teenage' becomes adjectival and so can't be possessive?

But, shucks, I'm only a writer.

 

[snooper]

I know you're the editor, but isn't the grammatical choice here between;

'her teenage tits' and 'The teenager's tits'. ...

Not the way I read it. I parse "her teenager's tits" as meaning the tits were hers and looked as though they belonged to a teenager, which, of course, they did.

Consider "the baby looked up at her with his father's face" and you will see what I mean.

I was confining myself solely to the grammar and ignoring any question of whether the line was suitable or not.

... In the first example, surely 'teenage' becomes adjectival and so can't be possessive? ...

I would claim that all possessives are adjectival forms of nouns, since they are meaningless without a subject to which they refer. The sentence "Henry's was lost." means nothing if the reader does not know what objects are under discussion, whereas "Henry was lost." does mean something entirely in isolation, because Henry is a noun in its own right.

... But, shucks, I'm only a writer.

So am I. I just try to help where I can. You see when I went to school we were taught formal grammar, so I remember these things. Some people say I am obsessed by them, but at 66 years old what else is there to be obsessed about?