tis the season to be jolly...so lets all have a laugh

[insert____here]

in the spirit of the season i refer once again to mr kevin bloody wilson; the man who can make anything, even christmas, laughable. enjoy and add your own bits and pieces too. 'tis the season to be jolly but if you're not feeling the joy, then let's make some at the expense of the season.
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(male - fake young boy voice)
Hey Santa claus you cunt!

Where's me fucking bike?

I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.

I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice

Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.

If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.

And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!

You've stuffed me bloody order up

It's enough to make you spew

And I'm not the only one who's snakey

Me sisters dirty too!

(male in fake little girl voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!

Where's me fucking pram?

You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.

'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand

I'll give you fucking ho ho ho

You forgot me fucking pram

(same male voice as intro)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts

And I'll let your fucking reindeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!

You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store

And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door

And we'll say, yeah you wait for it -

Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes

And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies

He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright

'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.

You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in

Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out

"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I remember when Mum let me listen to that one year.

I was shocked, but I laughed, so, so much.

 

[Bandit58]

Here's another one - classic

Santa Got Stoned At Christmas

Santa was stoned at Christmas
How'd he get that high
And what's he feedin' them reindeers
That makes the bastards fly
I shared a cone with Santa
A happy Christmas high
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And, so was I

Thought I'd stopped believin' in Santa
Untill last Christmas night
I was havin' a quiet little cone on me own
When I looked up into the sky
I saw this sleigh comin' outta control
Headin' straight for my place
Crashed and burned in my backyard
Woah Santa was off his face

Santa was stoned at Christmas
How'd he get that high
And what's he feedin' them reindeers
That makes the bastards fly
I shared a cone with Santa
A happy Christmas high
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And, so was I

Yeah Santa was wrecked a total mess
When he dropped in outta the blue
In a bettered old sled full of whacky way
And six bent reindeer too
Now you might think
That I'm makin' this up
But you can think what you like
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And so was I

Santa was stoned at Christmas
How'd he get that high
And what's he feedin' them reindeers
That makes the bastards fly
I shared a cone with Santa
A happy Christmas high
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And, so was I

Yeah Santa was ripped at Christmas
Shit faced maggotted stoned
And
When I helped him untangle his reindeer
He offered me a cone
Well then I strapped him back
In that battered old sled
N'after one more toke of the bong
And a crack of the whip
and a 'Come you bastards'
Santa Clause was gone

Santa was stoned at Christmas
How'd he get that high
And what's he feedin' them reindeers
That makes the bastards fly
I shared a cone with Santa
A happy Christmas high
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And, so was I

'Come you bastards'

Santa was stoned at Christmas
How'd he get that high
And what's he feedin' them reindeers
That makes the bastards fly
I shared a cone with Santa
A happy Christmas high
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And, so was I

Yeah,
Santa was stoned at Christmas time
And so was I

 

[Bandit58]

Ho Ho Fucking Ho

(Chorus)
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

I'm Rudolf & I quit
Just whos he think he is,
That little fat cunt sat back in the sleigh,
Crackin' that fuckin' whip,
And me stuck up the front,
Of these other useless cunts,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

And what about us elves,
We've had enough as well
Workin' in that feezin' factory
Cold as fuckin' hell,
Workin' til we drop
With our bollocks freezin' off,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

I'm Santa Claus's wife,
I know what he's really like,
Sneakin' into them little kids rooms
He's a fuckin' pedophile,
A devious old drunk,
And I'm married to the cunt,
So stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho fucking ho

Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho - Ho - Fucking - Ho

 

[chy_girl]

The kid-friendly favorite at our house is I Farted on Santa's Lap by The Little Stinkers. It's worth a listen to, especially if you have a fart-humor oriented kid around. That and it's just plain cute.


Mom made beans for dinner, I know I ate 'em all
Said, "Come get your coat on, goin' to the mall."
Gonna visit Santa and sit upon his knee
But all that I could think about was how not to cut the cheese.

Waiting there for Santa, thought that I'd explode
The gas bubble grew bigger with every ho-ho-ho
Tried my best to hide it, thought I was doin' swell
But when I sat down on Santa's lap, he hollered, "What's that smell?"

I farted on Santa's lap
Now Christmas is gonna stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap
Now I'll (raspberry fart) under my Christmas tree.

I asked him for a baseball, I asked him for a bat
I asked him for some ice skates, but I'll get none of that.
I asked him for a lot of things I'll have to do without
'Cause when I sat down on Santa's lap, I let one slip out.

I farted on Santa's lap
Now Christmas is gonna stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap
Now I'll (raspberry fart) under my Christmas tree.

On Christmas Eve, I snuck out of my bed without a sound
I went down to the living room just to take a look around
It was then that I saw Santa next to the Christmas tree
His arms were full of presents and they were all for me!

He put them on a pile, got up to turn around
And blew a fart with such great force, our tree almost came down!
And so I'll always cherish that special moment when
I realize even Old Saint Nick rips one now and then!

I farted on Santa's lap
And Christmas didn't stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap
And Santa let one on my Christmas tree!

 

[insert____here]

thanks guys, been laughing my head off here...i found the song ms chy..my son thinks it's hilarious. now he wants to go and fart on santa (he's onyl four, so only the chorus got through but still)....

 

[FurryFury]

I think this was originally posted on lit somewhere:



So I was doing the laundry outside for my fiance Joseph (he's soooo dreamy) when this big light appeared in the sky. It turned out it was just the sun so I kept doing laundry. You know how the sun is.

Then, there was this other light. I thought to myself "Not the damn sun again! God Dammit!". But it was an angel this time. He told me his name was Gabriel or some shit and said he was sent by God.

Gabriel was really hot and all muscular and stuff. I could feel myself getting a little wet. I have a fetish for diefic beings.

So, he tells me that God want's me to have his son, but that I shall remain a virgin. This seemed a little odd to me. I asked him how God would go about this. He answered "Oh, it's easy. I'll have hot, angel sex with you and then you'll have a baby nine months later. Call either Jesus Christ or Jacques Burlington."

I thought Jesus sounded better because it doesn't sound right when people yell out "Jacques Burlington!" when having sex. Also, I didn't want my son to be a fucking frog. On second thought, I should have gone with Jacques.

So, I ask Gabriel how he'll have sex with me without taking my hot, hot virginity. He took of his robe and his fully-erect, 12-inch cock was glowing white and gold with little sparklies around it, kind of like Super Sonic from the Sonic the Hedgehog games but less furry.

He said his celestial glow-cock could pass right through my hymen and inject God's sweet, sweet semen directly into my eggs. He'd then spray the rest on my face to show me who's boss.

My next question was why God himself didn't cum down and do it himself (I actually said "cum" like that, in a seductive tone of voice). His response "Hey, God's a busy man. He can't be everywhere at once, right? I was happy with his answer so I took off my clothing to reveal my sleek, nude body to the angel.

"Take me now, Gabriel!" I moaned. {The next few lines are illegible due to 1400 year-old semen stains}...feel his warm cock pumping man-juice in my cunt. It felt good. He sprayed down there for about ten minutes. He then withdrew his penis and started masturbating on my face. By the time he was done, I was covered in white.

We both laid down in the grass. I needed to catch my breath from that sexy, erotic encounter. I guess you can say I was "Touched By an Angel", in a very special way.

Anyway, Gabriel flew back to heaven or wherever the fuck he said he was from. I cleaned myself off and told Joseph the good news. He got mad at me and made me give him a blowjob. I sucked on his {additional semen stains rend the rest of the chapter unreadable}.