Tis the season...A collection of humorous holiday offerings,

[yeishia]

Tis the season...A collection of humorous holiday offerings 2.

.

I decided to revive this thread as well...I am getting lazy in my old age.


It is the season and so

I usually present them in my Ecclectic Collection but this year I have so many they warrant a thread of their very own.

0PEN TO ALL!

Allow me to present a holiday classic.

Jingle bell Rock.

Thankfully some of our Litsters offered to participate. *tries to look Innocent.*


Our Male Dominants / switches

Our Female Dominants/Switches.

A couple of our Submissive females


I thank them all for their gracious participation especially our Doms *runs and hides*

(Can you guess who us who?)


Any more volunteers? *giggles*

Subs Try again


Yeishia

Me lol lying through my teeth...punish me after Christmas pleeese.







​

 

[yeishia]

Santa Kinky Christmas BDSM

Enjoy​

.

 

[yeishia]

Be Naughty--Save Santa a Trip!


He knows if you've been bad or good...Hope your Christmas is merry anyway.


Child to mother on Christmas Eve:
"Can we eat breakfast tonight so it won't get in the way tomorrow morning?"


Man: "You've got post-holiday depression, don't you? You miss the special frivolity that only happens during the holiday season."
Woman: "No, I miss the special desserts that only happen during the holiday season.


One year I helped my daughter make her Christmas cards. The front had a picture of her three children and said "I like to give homemade gifts for Christmas...". Inside it said "which one of the kids would you like?"


Why do you have to leave the cookies and milk out for Santa?
Because he's a man and can't get them himself...


Woman at department store exchange counter: "This is a Christmas gift from my husband. Do I have to wait until Christmas to exchange it?"

 

[yeishia]

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
(No idea who came up with this .)

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows XP
December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4-part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all friends and loved ones.
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect dentures. (They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.)
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 16 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use.
December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 fabric squares that I wove myself. Donate to local orphanages.
December 29 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches to signify desire for world peace.
December 30 - Give staff their resolutions.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

 

[yeishia]

The Four Stages of Man:

He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
He looks like Santa Claus


​

 

[yeishia]

I thought I would pop my version of this song in here again

http://www.clipartpal.com/_thumbs/pd/education/small_gold_star.png
On the first day of Christmas
my love sent me...a gift that I adore.

A whip so pliable… it made him beg for more!

On the second day of Christmas my love gave me...gifts I adore.

2 satin corsets in the color pink and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the third day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the fourth day of Christmas my love gave to me ...gifts I adore.

4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 5th day of Christmas my love have to me...gifts I adore.

5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 6th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 7th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 8th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

8 sensual ice cubes, 7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 9th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

9 well placed violet zaps , 8 ice cubes, 7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 10th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

10 fingers pleasing, 9 violet zaps , 8 ice cubes, 7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 11th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

11 torrid kisses, 10 fingers pleasing, 9 violet zaps , 8 ice cubes, 7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

On the 12th day of Christmas my love gave to me...gifts I adore.

12 Screaming orgasms, 11 torrid kisses, 10 fingers pleasing, 9 violet zaps , 8 ice cubes, 7 tubes of KY, 6 anal beads, 5 blind folds, 4 soft feathers, 3 wicked clamps, 2 pink corsets and a whip so pliable it made him beg for more!

Presented like this.
It makes a xmas.
Tree...get it xoxox
---------------------



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[yeishia]

http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/MoreImages/PS_0869W_SANTA_BAD_GIRLS_PIC2.jpg​

 

[yeishia]

Amusing Christmas Turkey Story

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

 

[yeishia]

Short Funny Xmas Story

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London.

As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

 

[yeishia]

http://lifeaslukey.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/funny-christmas-card-santa-gets-a-flat.jpg​

 

[yeishia]

.

http://d2tq98mqfjyz2l.cloudfront.net/image_cache/1386147364820013.jpg​

 

[yeishia]

It isn't easy to get into Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

~ Denny Davis ~

 

[yeishia]

Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down
and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
and very gently wrung the necks
of both the turtledoves,
My true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens
to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
for their language was obscene.
The five golden rings were completely fake
and they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas,
the six laying hens wouldn't lay,
so I gave the whole darn gaggle
to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
All seven to the swimming swans
had drowned.
My true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a-milking,
nine pipers piping, eleven lords a-leaping,
and twelve drummers drumming
(Well actually I kept one of the drummers)
and sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love,
"We are through, Love."
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore, your Christmas gifts
were for the birds."
​

 

[yeishia]

http://somethingspunky.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/mrsclauses_001.jpg​

 

[yeishia]

It looks like I am doing this thread alone this year.

Where are Cheska and Thyri when you need them. You two were one of the few people who posted here last year * sobs*

Any way I have fun doing this so here I go again....


Random thoughts, which occur to me at 6:17 a.m., December 25th . . .

By a loving mom
(Nancy Stahl)
.

Q. What am I doing up in the middle of the night?
A. I am up because it is difficult for sleep to knit up the raveled sleeve of care while a 6-year-old is sitting on your chest and yelling " Wake up, Mommy!"

Q. How many times can one listen to a toy telephone announce that "The cow goes MOO" without shrieking "Not any MORE he doesn't!" and flinging the whole ill-considered gift through the kitchen window?
A. So far, 43 times.

Q. Why are you sitting here when you should be in the kitchen stuffing a turkey?
A. It is rather difficult to move while a small boy is cutting your toenails so that he can look at the parings under his new microscope.

Q. What image must a son have of a mother for whom he buys enormous magenta and chartreuse hoop earrings?
A. Never mind that. What about a daughter who buys her mother a giant-size bottle of Old Spice after shave cologne?

Q. Wasn't it a jolly idea to burn all the odd bits of paper and Christmas wrapping in the fireplace?
A. It would be a darn sight more jolly if my son hadn't gotten carried away and burned the washing instructions to my slacks, the rules to " Space Patrol: A Thrilling Game for the Whole Family," and the warranty on the electric blender as well.

Q. What is Big Jim doing in Barbie's Country Camper to cause so much smothered laughter?
A. Ignore it. Whatever it is, it is the one thing that doesn't require four "D" cell batteries.

Q. How many chocolate Santas can a 7-year-old dog eat before being sick on the rug?
A. Six. No, make that five.

 

[yeishia]

The Twelve Pains of Christmas
Bob Rivers


The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
Charities,
And what'cha mean "YOUR in-laws"! ?
Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords! ?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!
Donations,
Facing my in-laws,
Five months of bills
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers
Now why the hell are they blinking! ?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Buy me somethin'!
Get a job you bum!
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Yo Ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh geez look at this!
One light goes out, they all go out!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Mom I gotta go to the bathroom!
Charities
She's a witch, I hate her!
Five months of bills
Oh, I don't even know half these people!
Who's got the toilet paper?
Get a flashlight I blew a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials,
Batteries not included
No parking
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Charities
Gotta make 'em dinner
Five months of bills
I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
Fine! You're so smart, you rig up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

 

[yeishia]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Christmas song

 

[yeishia]

Naughty Christmas Card

Moneys short times are hard so here’s a fucking Christmas card

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

Moms at the whore house, Dads smokin' grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see what’s the matter

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came out the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He went up the chimney with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chimney apart.

He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!

(by unknown]​