Tis the season ... A collection of humerous holiday favorites.

[yeishia]

Tis the season ... A collection of humorous holiday things.

It is the season and so
I usually present them in my Ecclectic Collection but this year I have so many they warrant a thread of their very own.

0PEN TO ALL!

Allow me to present a holiday classic.

Jingle bell Rock.

Thankfully some of our Litsters offered to participate. *tries to look Innocent.*


Our Male Dominants / switches

Our Female Dominants/Switches.

A couple of our Submissive females


I thank them all for their gracious participation especially our Doms *runs and hides*

(Can you guess who us who?)


Any more volunteers? *giggles*

Subs Try again


Yeishia

Me lol lying through my teeth...punish me after Christmas pleeese.

(Pretty please my dark angel with a cherry too.)






​

 

[yeishia]

Santa Kinky Christmas BDSM



Sexy christmas Spanking!


Enjoy​

 

[yeishia]

The Four Stages of Man:

He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
He looks like Santa Claus


​

 

[Cheska]

The Four Stages of Man:

He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
He looks like Santa Claus


​

*giggles*

 

[yeishia]

It isn't easy to get into Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

~ Denny Davis ~

 

[yeishia]

*giggles*

So true


I wanted to thank you for participating in Jingle bell rock *giggles more*

 

[Cheska]

From Bob Rivers to you.

Bob Rivers really loves you.

 

[yeishia]

From Bob Rivers to you.

Bob Rivers really loves you.

*smiles*

Thank you Cheska

 

[yeishia]

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
(No idea who came up with this .)

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows XP
December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4-part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all friends and loved ones.
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect dentures. (They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.)
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 16 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use.
December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 fabric squares that I wove myself. Donate to local orphanages.
December 29 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches to signify desire for world peace.
December 30 - Give staff their resolutions.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

 

[Cheska]

Martha Stewart scares me..

 

[Annisthyrienne]

http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/MoreImages/PS_0869W_SANTA_BAD_GIRLS_PIC2.jpg​

 

[yeishia]

Martha Stewart scares me..

Me to

http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/MoreImages/PS_0869W_SANTA_BAD_GIRLS_PIC2.jpg​

Thyriiiiiii but I so want him to cum down my chimney this year!

I am a good girl I is ....not!

 

[yeishia]

Be Naughty--Save Santa a Trip!


He knows if you've been bad or good...Hope your Christmas is merry anyway.


Child to mother on Christmas Eve:
"Can we eat breakfast tonight so it won't get in the way tomorrow morning?"


Man: "You've got post-holiday depression, don't you? You miss the special frivolity that only happens during the holiday season."
Woman: "No, I miss the special desserts that only happen during the holiday season.


One year I helped my daughter make her Christmas cards. The front had a picture of her three children and said "I like to give homemade gifts for Christmas...". Inside it said "which one of the kids would you like?"


Why do you have to leave the cookies and milk out for Santa?
Because he's a man and can't get them himself...


Woman at department store exchange counter: "This is a Christmas gift from my husband. Do I have to wait until Christmas to exchange it?"

 

[Cheska]

hehe

 

[yeishia]

I was going to post this in your thread Cheska as a prime example of good rhyming

I though better of it as we are all doing so wonderfully well

Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down
and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
and very gently wrung the necks
of both the turtledoves,
My true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens
to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
for their language was obscene.
The five golden rings were completely fake
and they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas,
the six laying hens wouldn't lay,
so I gave the whole darn gaggle
to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
All seven to the swimming swans
had drowned.
My true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a-milking,
nine pipers piping, eleven lords a-leaping,
and twelve drummers drumming
(Well actually I kept one of the drummers)
and sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love,
"We are through, Love."
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore, your Christmas gifts
were for the birds."
​

 

[Cheska]

I was going to post this in your thread Cheska as a prime example of good rhyming

I though better of it as we are all doing so wonderfully well

Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down
and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
and very gently wrung the necks
of both the turtledoves,
My true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens
to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
for their language was obscene.
The five golden rings were completely fake
and they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas,
the six laying hens wouldn't lay,
so I gave the whole darn gaggle
to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
All seven to the swimming swans
had drowned.
My true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a-milking,
nine pipers piping, eleven lords a-leaping,
and twelve drummers drumming
(Well actually I kept one of the drummers)
and sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love,
"We are through, Love."
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore, your Christmas gifts
were for the birds."
​

That funny as hell.

 

[yeishia]

What to Say When You Get a REALLY Bad Gift

Now that's a gift.

Wow! You sure surprised me.

I never would have guessed.

If I hadn't gained all that weight this would have fit.

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

I love it--but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Unfortunately, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

I really don't deserve this.

And to think I got this the first year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I hope this never catches fire. There have been a lot of unexplained fires around here.

I couldn't bear to have anything happen to this so I am going to pack it away safely in the basement.

 

[yeishia]

Random thoughts, which occur to me at 6:17 a.m., December 25th . . .

By a loving mom
(Nancy Stahl)
.

Q. What am I doing up in the middle of the night?
A. I am up because it is difficult for sleep to knit up the raveled sleeve of care while a 6-year-old is sitting on your chest and yelling " Wake up, Mommy!"

Q. How many times can one listen to a toy telephone announce that "The cow goes MOO" without shrieking "Not any MORE he doesn't!" and flinging the whole ill-considered gift through the kitchen window?
A. So far, 43 times.

Q. Why are you sitting here when you should be in the kitchen stuffing a turkey?
A. It is rather difficult to move while a small boy is cutting your toenails so that he can look at the parings under his new microscope.

Q. What image must a son have of a mother for whom he buys enormous magenta and chartreuse hoop earrings?
A. Never mind that. What about a daughter who buys her mother a giant-size bottle of Old Spice after shave cologne?

Q. Wasn't it a jolly idea to burn all the odd bits of paper and Christmas wrapping in the fireplace?
A. It would be a darn sight more jolly if my son hadn't gotten carried away and burned the washing instructions to my slacks, the rules to " Space Patrol: A Thrilling Game for the Whole Family," and the warranty on the electric blender as well.

Q. What is Big Jim doing in Barbie's Country Camper to cause so much smothered laughter?
A. Ignore it. Whatever it is, it is the one thing that doesn't require four "D" cell batteries.

Q. How many chocolate Santas can a 7-year-old dog eat before being sick on the rug?
A. Six. No, make that five.

 

[Last_Rider]

The Twelve Pains of Christmas

 

[Annisthyrienne]

I just go nuts at Christmas!

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
On that yolly holiday
Ill go in the red like a knucklehead
Cuz I'll squander all my pay.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Shopping sure drives me berserk
On the day before, I rush in a store
Like a pure bewildered yerk.

I look at nightgowns for my wife
Those black ones trimmed in red
But I wont know her size and so
She'll get a carpet sweeper instead.

Oh I yust go nuts at Christmas
When each kid hangs up his sock
It's a time for kids to flip their lids
While their papa goes in hock.

On the night before Christmas
It's still in the house
My family is sleeping
So I'm quiet like a mouse.

I look at my watch and midnight is near
I think I'll sneak off for a cold glass of beer
Down at the corner the crowd is so merry
I end up by drinking about 12 Tom & Yerry

I get to bed late and gee whiz how I'm sleeping
When on to my bed those darn kids they come leaping
They sit on my face and they yump on my belly
And I'm quivering all over like a bowl full of yelly.

They scream Merry Christmas, and my poor wife and me
We stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree
My head is exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle
I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle.

Yust before Christmas dinner I relax to a point
Then relatives start swarming all over the yoint
On Christmas I hug and I kiss my wife's mother
The rest of the year we don't speak to each other.

After dinner my Aunt and my wife's Uncle Louie
Get into an argument; they're both awful screwy
Then all my wife's family say Louie is right
And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight.

Back in the corner the radio is playing
And over the racket Gabriel Heater is saying
"Peace on earth everybody and good will toward men"
And yust at that moment someone slugs Uncle Ben.

They all run outside whooping so the neighbors will hear
Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust once a year.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
But I still have lots of fun
Yust the same as you, I enyoy it too

Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Jingle Bells

 

[yeishia]

*smiles Happily at all the wonderful things people are posting *

Merry Christmas In Other Languages!

Afrikander - "Een Plesierige Kerfees"

Arabic - "I'd Miilad Said Oua Sana Saida"

Argentine - "Felices Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo"

Armenian - "Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand"

Basque - Eguberri on

Bohemian - "Vesele Vanoce"

Breton - "Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat"

Brooklyn- "Merry fuckin Christmas!"

Bulgarian - "Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo"

Chinese - [Mandarin] - "Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan"

Chinese - [Catonese] - "Saint Dan Fai Lok"

Cornish - "Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth"

Croatian - "Sretan Bozic i Nova Godina" (Merry Christmas & Happy New Year)

Czech - "Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok"

Danish - "Glædelig Jul"

Dutch - "Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar"

Inupiaq Eskimo (Kotzebue area in NW Alaska)-
Quvianagli Anaiyyuniqpaliqsi suli Nakuuluni Ukiutqiutiqsi-
(Merry Christmas) (and) (Happy New Year)

English - "Merry Christmas"

Estonian - "Haid joule ja head uut aastat"

Farsi - "Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad"

Filipino-"Maligayang Pasko"

Happy New Year in Filipino

"Manigong Bagong Taon"

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in Filipino- "Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon"

Finnish - "Hyvää Joulua sinulle!"

French - "Joyeux Noël"

German - "Froehliche Weihnachten"

Greek - "Kala Christouyenna"

Hawaiian - "Mele Kalikimaka"

Hebrew - "Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova"

Hindi - "Shub Naya Baras"

Hungarian - "Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket"

Icelandic - "Gledileg Jol"

Indonesian - "Selamat Hari Natal"

Iraqi - "Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah"

Irish - "Nollaig Shona Dhuit"

Italian - "Buone Feste Natalizie"

Japanese -" Shinnen omedeto, kurisumasu omedeto.
The first part is translated "Happy New Year.
Kurisumasu omedeto means Merry Christmas.
Japanese people generally add the expression gozaimasu to indicate soemm humility.

Korean - "Sung Tan Chuk Ha"

Latvian - "Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu"

Lithuanian - "Linksmu Kaledu"

Navajo - "Merry Keshmish"

Norwegian - "God Jul"

Pennsylvania German - "En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr"

Polish - "Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia"

Portuguese - "Feliz Natal" "Boas Festas"(Good Holidays.)

Rumanian - "Sarbatori Fericite"

Russian - "Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva s Novim Godom"

Serbian - "Hristos se rodi"

Slovakian - "Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce"

Samoan - "La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou"

Scots Gaelic - "Nollaig chridheil huibh"

Serb-Croatian - "Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina"

Slovak - "Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok"

Slovene - "Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto"

Spanish - "Feliz Navidad"

Swedish - "God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År"

Tahitian -Merry Chrismas :" Ia orana te Noera"

and Happy new year is "Ia orana i te mata iti api"

Thai - "Sawadee Pee Mai"

Turkish - "Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun"

Ukrainian - "Z Rizdvom Khrystovym !" - "Merry Christmas"

" Z Novym Rokom !" - "Happy New Year"

"Z Rizdvom Khrystovym i Novym Rokom !" - both greetings together.

Vietnamese - "Chuc Mung Giang Sinh"

Welsh - "Nadolig Llawen"

Yugoslavian - "Cestitamo Bozic"

 

[Cheska]

You forgot Brooklyn: "Merry fuckin Christmas!"

 

[yeishia]

You forgot Brooklyn: "Merry fuckin Christmas!"

*runs to add to her list*

 

[yeishia]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Christmas song