Tis the Ha Ha Ha and Ho Ho Ho season to be jolly

[DVS]

Ha Ha Ha and Ho Ho Ho. The Christmas joke season is upon us. What's your favorite Chirstmas joke? Sorry, if you don't celebrate Christmas. You can still enjoy the jokes, though.

I like this one, although it's not the best one. That one's coming up, after a few others are posted.

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his po ckets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"



The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Joke Season Begins​

 

[sureibu]

I don't have any jokes but I thought this was cute...

http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff298/his_sureibu/6l3j0xj.jpg

 

[Sir_Winston54]

One day a man with a parrot on his shoulder walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells." "He's a Christmas Parrot," the guy said, then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible." He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing in a strangled voice... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2007

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:

Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring, anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

+=+=+=+=+=

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2007

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out Of Work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken," "Green Lantern Ken," "Circuit Ken," "Bear Ken," or "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine. (At least that's what he said last night.)

Sincerely,

Ken

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Twisted Christmas Carols

Deck The Halls

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.​

 

[midwestyankee]

I guess it's time to switch to my favorite seasonal av.

 

[snowy ciara]

Here are some nice, terrible jokes for you.

Why does santa have such a killer garden?
because he loves to Ho Ho Ho.

If athlete's get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
mistletoe.

My favorite Christmas Carol: the Noel Song from Animaniacs!

To spell Santa's name is easy to do
You write S A N T and another A, too
But no L, no L, Santa's name has no L
And he won't be too pleased if you don't learn to spell

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch water from a well
But when neither one could find it, Jill started to yell
No well, no well, can't believe there's no well
We walked all the way here and I'm mad, can't you tell?

Captain Ahab took his crew, his harpoon and set sail
And he called out to ships, 'Have you seen the white whale?'
No whale, no whale, we ain't seen no whale
Saw a couple of dolphins, and a big yellow tail

If you've listened to this tune, then you probably can tell
That you've heard it before, it's a song you know well
Know well, know well, it's a song you know well
And we've ruined it completely, so we all say 'Oh well'

Oh well, oh well, We'll just say 'Fare thee well'
And Merry Christmas to you, and a Joyous Noel

Weirdly enough, the Noel Song is one of the few that haven't made it to youtube yet. Sigh..

 

[graceanne]

Know why Santa is such a jolly fellow?

Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

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Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

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Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you, Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!'"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

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One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."